为什么是他？（2016）

莱德 我爱你
Laird, I love you.
但我还在生你的气
But I’m still mad at you.
对不起
I’m sorry.
– 对不起 – 不…
– I’m so sorry. – No, no!
[我想看！]
好吗？
Okay?
要啦
Yes!
不行
No!
[要啦！]
你…
You…
– 我会补偿你的 – 发生什么事？
– I’m gonna make it up to you. – What is happening?
往后躺 我提前给你圣诞礼物
You just lie back, and I’ll give you an early Christmas present.
你真是个怪胎
You are such a freak.
我知道
I know.
圣诞老人来了
Here comes Santa.
真的吗？
Oh, really?
– 呵… – 天啊
– Ho, ho, ho. – Oh, my God.
圣诞快乐
Merry Christmas.
有人今年很不乖哦
Somebody’s been naughty this year.
[口♥交♥？]
老大？
Boss?
奈德 在吗 喂？
Ned. Are you there? Hello?
喂？
Hello? Oh.
凯文 我在 怎么样？
Yes. Kevin, I’m here. What’s happening?
我进来了
I’m in.
你可以上网吗？
Do you have access to the Internet?
可以 等等
Yes, I do. Hold on.
等我一下
Wait a second.
登入你的地球网帐号♥
Log into your EarthLink account.
我登入了
Okay. Got it.
我现在寄些东西给你
I’m gonna send these to you right now.
– 很好 – 你死定了 梅修
– Good. – You’re done, Mayhew.
搞什么？
What the fuck?
– 怎么了？ – 我的天啊
– What happened? – Oh, my God.
等等 什么状况？
Wait, what? What’s going on?
我不知道 他有我的脸
I don’t know. He has my face.
– 什么叫有你的脸？ – 我被锁住了
– What do you mean he has your face? – I’m locked out.
我不能用电脑了
I can’t use my computer anymore.
– 什么？ – 住手
– What? – Stop that!
– 发生什么事？ – 他盯上我们了
– What’s happening? – He’s onto us, Ned.
你在做什么？
What are you doing?
我们得停手 天啊 不要
We have to abort. Oh, God. Oh, no.
后退 混♥蛋♥ 梅修在此
Move back, motherfuckers Mayhew’s here
妈的
Oh, fuck!
– 他是个神话生物 – 他是什么？
– He’s a mythical creature, Ned. – He’s what?
搞什么？天啊
What the fuck? Oh, God.
他把老二掏出来了
He’s pulling out his penis!
天啊
Oh, my God.
他的蛋蛋深入我的数位菊花了
He’s balls deep in my digital butt.
你在看A片吗？
Are you watching porn?
快关掉
Turn that off!
奈德 他在肛我
Ned, he’s doing it!
玛妮 我惨了
Marnie, it’s not good!
-“他妈的滚远点” – 给我关掉
– Stay the fuck out! – Turn that off!
凯文
Kevin!
凯文
Kevin!
他控制了整间屋子
He has control of the house!
快过来
Come here!
– 凯文 到底怎么了？ – 我们快逃
– Kevin, what is happening? – We gotta get out of here!
快点…
Go, go, go!
– 什么？ – 凯文
– What? – Kevin!
凯文…
Kevin!
天啊…
Oh, my…
♪ 平安夜 ♪
♪ Silent night ♪
♪ 圣善夜 ♪
♪ Holy night ♪
♪ 万暗中 ♪
♪ All is calm ♪
[傻瓜也会C++]
♪ 光华射 ♪
♪ All is bright ♪
– 嗨 – 嘿
– Hi. – Hey.
– 我们别吵架了 – 好
– You know what? Let’s not fight. – Okay.
很抱歉你是那样发现学校的事
I’m sorry, truly, that you found out about Stanford that way.
谢谢
Thank you.
莱德已经知道他做错了
It was not okay of Laird, and he knows that now.
但我相信这是好主意
But I’m confident this is a really good idea.
女儿 我得先告诉你一件事
Honey, before you continue, I need to tell you something.
莱德一直在骗你
Laird has been lying to you.
我试过了
I tried.
– 不是的… – 真不可理喻
– No, no, no. – Hey! It’s unbelievable!
他有严重的财务问题
He is in serious financial trouble.
– 怎么说？ – 今天是圣诞节
– In what way? – It’s Christmas.
奈德 你错了
Ned, you’re making a mistake.
他没有足够的钱能维持公♥司♥营运
He doesn’t have enough money to finance his business,
– 遑论基金会了 – 你为何这么想？
– let alone a foundation. – What exactly makes you think that?
你看到就知道了
Wait till you see this.
– 这是什么？ – 在这里
– What’s this? – Here.
你看 他的银行记录
Look at this, his own bank records.
都是赤字
All in red.
这是真的吗？
Is this for real?
对 是真的
Yeah, it’s true.
游击帮这两年的生意不太好
Guerrilla Gang hasn’t crushed one in a couple of years.
所以你骗我？
So you lied to me?
我即将休学…
I’m dropping out of school
创办你要出资的基金会
to start a foundation that you’re supposed to be financing.
– 对 – 对
– Yeah. – Yeah.
宝贝 基金会好得很
Baby, the foundation is all good.
你在说什么？
What are you talking about?
奈德 这是天大的误解
Ned, there has been a very big misunderstanding.
这只是莱德的持股
These are only Laird’s business holdings.
在个人财务方面…
On the personal side…
我找了保守的私募股权投资组合
I have put together a moderate, conservative private equity sleeve
而且表现得还不错
that has been performing delightfully.
– 你说的对极了 – 是啊
– You could say that again. – Mm-hmm.
你有照“巴菲特条款”做？
So you followed the Buffett rule?
一直都有
Always, dude.
七成股票 三成债券
70/30, stocks to bonds.
巴菲特
Buffet.
厉害
Nice.
– 你的小骇客丁格… – 骇客？
– Your little hacker, Dingle… – Hacker?
他钻错洞了
…was worming down the wrong hole.
– 他是说凯文·丁格吗？ – 可能是
– Does he mean Kevin Dingle? – Probably.
不 一定是别的丁格
No, must be another Dingle.
我唯一知道的丁格是个屎蛋
Only dingle I know of is the berries on the butt.
你到底有多少钱？
Look, how much money do you have?
– 你不用回答这个 – 他非答不可
– Babe, you don’t have to answer this. – Yes, he does.
好吧 我全招了
Fine! Full disclosure.
很糟
It’s bad.
我只剩九千七百万
I’m down to my last 97 million.
莱德
Laird.
是一亿九千七百万
197 million.
砰
Boom.
他还真是入不敷出
He’s just barely scraping by.
你只需要问我就好
All you had to do was ask me.
各位 来首快板的《装饰大厅》
Gentlemen, I need Deck the Halls, allegro, now.
♪ 用冬青树枝来装饰大厅 ♪
♪ Deck the halls with boughs of holly ♪
奈德 秉着节日精神…
Ned, it’s the holidays
我想我们该从头来过
and I think we should start over.
这是给你的
So this is for you.
这是什么？
What is it?
你会喜欢的小礼物
It’s a little stocking stuffer. I think you’ll like it.
手♥机♥？按下按钮
A phone? Press the button.
[购买♥♥合约 弗莱明公♥司♥]
是我在大急流城的银行传来的
This is from my bank in Grand Rapids.
圣诞快乐