为什么是他？（2016）

宝贝 真高兴看到你
Hey, babe. So happy to see you!
我收到你的花了 你真贴心
Hi! I got your flowers. That was so sweet of you.
应该的 你今天要完成全球卫生报告
Of course. Well, I know you’re finishing your Global Health paper today
而且你工作的很辛苦
and you’ve been working really hard on it.
我快做好了 所以也许…
Well, I’m almost done, so, maybe
你可以过来看影片聊聊天 然后…
you want to come over and Netflix and chill and…
什么？
What?
你是说你想来一炮？
You mean you want to fuck?
我才没这样说
I did not say that!
– 我的天啊 – 我懂的
– Oh, my God! – I know.
不 我说的委婉多了
No! I was being more subtle than that!
我知道 抱歉
I know. I’m sorry.
好 我超想去的
Yes, I am so down for that.
都过了他妈的三天了
It’s been like three fucking days.
我的蛋蛋都闷成蓝色了
My balls are so blue right now,
深蓝色 快变铁蛋了
like dark blue, Uh-oh. Like almost black.
真心不骗啦 你自己看
No, I’m fucking serious. Here, check it out.
我相信你…
I believe you. I believe you.
好吧
Okay.
我晚点再看你的铁蛋
I’ll see your almost-black balls later.
你说了算
Cool, Steph.
六点之后随时欢迎 好吗？
Come over any time after 6:00. Okay, hun?
好 我们会超激烈地“看片聊天”
Okay. Dude, we are going to Netflix and chill this shit so hard.
“浴血黑帮”“打不倒的金咪”
Peaky Blinders. Kimmy Schmidt!
胡子月过了
Movember’s over.
你该刮掉色魔胡了
Time to shave the pornstache.
抱歉 “制♥造♥杀人犯”
Sorry. Making a Murderer!
“毒枭”
Narcos!
“怪奇物语”
Stranger Things!
铁蛋来了
Black balls!
[苹果蜂街坊烧烤酒吧]
[奈德55岁生日快乐！]
总之 奈德追随他的梦想
Anyways, Ned followed his dreams
把一部老旧印刷机变成业界巨头
and turned a run-down old printing press into the industry powerhouse
也就是现在的弗莱明公♥司♥
known today as the Fleming Company.
老板最棒了
Best boss in the world!
弗莱明公♥司♥
The Fleming Company!
我们做过…
We’re talking
世楷家具的型录
brochures for Steelcase furniture,
大城里半数的工作手册
half the specialty jobs in Grand Rapids
[是男孩！]
还有难忘的达美乐披萨传♥单♥
and who could forget the Domino’s Pizza circular?
[网购披萨半价]
[中西部媒体协会年度人物]
但在这一切之前
But before all that…
他遇见了密西根金钢狼 芭芭拉威许
Ned met a young Michigan Wolverine, Barbara Welsh.
这个阿伯怎么把到我的？
How did this older guy get me?
他们首次约会就去看他最爱的乐团
Ned took her on their first date to see his favorite band…
– 吻乐团 – 吻乐团
– Kiss! – Kiss!
[吻乐团]
也是我最爱的团
My favorite band, too!
摇滚乐
Rock and roll!
过了几年
A few years later,
送子鸟带来我姐姐 史黛芬
the stork brought my sister, Stephanie.
她好可爱
She’s so cute.
他们一点都不亲
They weren’t close at all.
– 送她上学超累的 – 是啊
– Oh, dropping her off at school. – Yeah.
接着我报到了 史考特小子
Then came me, Scotty F.
我们还生了另一个小孩？
Did we have another child?
– 我都忘了有生老二 – 原来还有老二
– I forgot about that second baby. – Oh, we had another child.
总之 老大
Anyways, Big Cheese.
不好意思 我答应自己不哭的
I’m sorry, guys. I promised myself I wasn’t gonna do this.
但我爱你 爸 生日快乐
But I love you, Dad. Happy Birthday.
做得好 史考特
Way to go, Scotty!
我也爱你 小子
I love you, too, buddy.
谢谢你
Thank you. Wow!
做得太棒了
That was fantastic.
我们还有最后的惊喜
We’ve got one last surprise for you.
没错 现在要连线斯坦福大学宿舍
That’s right. Ladies and gentlemen, live from her dorm room at Stanford…
给我姐姐 史黛芬
it’s my sister, Stephanie!
– 大家好 – 乖女儿
– Hi, everyone! – Hey, honey!
史黛芬 是我 凯文
Hey, Steph! Hey, it’s Kevin!
– 嗨 凯文 – 凯文
– Hi, Kevin! – Kevin.
– 我们可以看吗？ – 抱歉
– Can we see? – Sorry.
– 妈妈 – 女儿
– Hi, Momma. – Hi!
爸
Hi, Dad.
我们的寿星
The birthday boy.
宝贝女儿
Hey, honey.
看来你们玩得很开心
You guys look like you’re having so much fun.
真希望我也能到场
And I wish I could be there with you.
她好贴心哦
She’s so sweet.
– 是啊 – 走开
– Yeah. – Get out.
我只想说 爸 我爱你
Yeah, I just wanted to say, Dad, that I love you.
我也爱你 乖女儿
I love you, too, honey.
– 我更爱你 – 少来了
– I love you more. – No, you don’t.
我对你爱爱爱不完
Love you to the moon and back.
这回合先让你赢 好吗？
I’ll let you win this round. Okay, Pops?
虽然你现在已经是…
Even though you’re now like…
老阿伯
…ancient.
你还是…
You are still…
你怎么会在这里？
What are you doing here?
你叫我来的啊
You asked me to come over.
你来早了 我说六点以后的
You’re early. I said after 6:00.
– 好吧 – 等一下 我在打电♥话♥
– All right. – Give me a sec, I’m on the phone.
– 收到 – 抱歉 是我朋友
– Got it. – Sorry. It’s just my friend. Anyway.
♪ 祝你生日快乐 ♪
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
老天爷
Oh, my goodness.
莱德 你在做什…
Oh, Laird, what are you…
你先讲电♥话♥
Go finish your call.
我在准备“看片聊天” 宝贝
I’m just getting ready to Netflix and chill, baby.
– 现在不行啦 – 天啊
– No, not now, Laird. – Oh, my goodness.
“打不倒的金咪”
Kimmy Schmidt!
– 裤子穿好啦 -“马可·波罗”
– Pull up your pants. – Marco Polo.
我的天啊
Oh, my God!
要怎么关掉？
How do you make it stop?
妈 你刚刚截图了
Whoa, whoa, Mom, you just took a screenshot.
♪ 快乐 生日快乐… ♪
♪ Happy, happy birthday Happy, happy birthday ♪
凯文 快帮她关掉
Kevin, help her out. Kevin.
♪ 祝你生日快乐… ♪
♪ Happy birthday, happy birthday ♪
《为什么是他》
♪ Mi oh my, it’s a wonderful life ♪
[弗莱明公♥司♥]
[成立于1991年]
♪ It’s a wonderful life with you by my side ♪
♪ Mi oh my, it’s a wonderful life ♪
♪ It’s a wonderful life with you by my side ♪
他来了 生日快乐 老大
Hey, there he is. Happy birthday, Big Cheese.
谢了 吉姆
Thanks, Jim.
杰瑞
Jerry. Hey, Ned.
– 昨晚的晚餐真好玩 – 好说
– Fun dinner last night. – Hey, Jerry.
谢了 小卢
Thanks. Lou.
老大 我们得谈谈
Hey, Cheese, can I have a minute?
好 早安 乔伊丝
Sure. Good morning, Joyce.
派对很棒
Great party.
挡掉所有电♥话♥
Hold all his calls.
你在开玩笑吧
You gotta be kidding me.
大超♥市♥要跟我们切了？
Big Lots is bailing out on us?
他们从〇六年就是我们的客户
We’ve had that account since ’06.
他们要把印刷业务移到中国
They’re moving all their print work to China.
天啊
Oh, God.
“E请帖”和“无邮无虑”等网站
Cheese, we’re already getting pummeled by Evite, Stamp-Free
已经把我们害惨了
and the rest of those dot-coms.
再这样下去 我们三月就破产了
And at this rate, we’ll be Chapter 11 by March.
迪克体育用品呢？
What about Dick’s Sporting Goods?
我还在跟我的联络人谈
Well, I mean, I’m still trading calls with my guy.
奈德 可以老实跟你说吗？
But, Ned, can I be honest with you?
我不能再瞒着派蒂了