伯纳黛特你去了哪（2019）

都上了预科学校
both went to prep schools.
她是明日之星 势不可挡
And she was a rising star. An absolute force.
当然 我被她的美貌
Of course, I was taken by her beauty
她惊人的天赋
and her amazing talent
她的幽默及活力深深吸引
and her humor and her energy.
等到我们结婚的时候
And at the time that we got married,
我在研究电脑动画项目
I was working on a computer animation program
这项目最终被微软收♥购♥
which was eventually bought by Microsoft.
几乎同时
And around the same time…
她建的一个房♥子出了点麻烦
she ran into some trouble with a house that she built
突然宣布她自己
and abruptly declared herself done
受够了洛杉矶建筑界
with the LA architecture scene.
这里的城市规划者
The city planners here.
他们遇到任何美景都能毫不迟疑地
I mean, they never met a beautiful view they didn’t want to block
用毫无建筑完整性的二十层老人公♥寓♥挡住
with a 20-story old folks home with zero architectural integrity.
相信我 这是”建筑”和”完整性”这两个词
And believe me, that is the first time that the words “Architectural”
第一次被用于描述西雅图的语句中
and “Integrity” have ever been used together in a sentence about Seattle.
规划这个地方的人
And whoever laid out this place…
他们遇到双行道就一定要
I mean, they never met a two-way street they didn’t suddenly,
毫无理由地突然改成单行道
and for no reason, want to turn into a one-way street.
遇到四向十字路口
They never met a four-way intersection
还非要再加一条道
they didn’t want to turn into a five-way intersection.
保罗 我对天发誓 这里甚至有七向路口
Paul, I swear to God, they even have seven-way intersections up here.
她曾经那么无畏地
All of the energy that she once channeled
投♥注♥于建筑的那些精力
so fearlessly into architecture…
现在似乎都转向了
she seems to have turned towards…
针对西雅图的
fulminating about Seattle
疯狂的强烈谴责
in the form of these wild rants.
我们一到这里我就买♥♥了栋房♥子
I bought a house the second we got here.
是个疯狂的女生教♥养♥院♥
You know, it was this crazy reform school for girls,
你能想象的建筑限制那里都有
you know, with every conceivable building restriction attached.
要想把那里改建成功需要
I mean, to make something of it would require
魔术大♥师♥哈利·胡迪尼的创造性
Harry Houdini ingenuity,
对我来说这当然是亮点 可是…
which of course appealed to me, but…
事实上情况是
What, you know, actually happened
我遭受了一系列…
was that I had a series of…
我流产了四次
I had four miscarriages and…
我完全想通过为埃尔吉和我
‘Cause, no, I fully intended to recover
以及永远在怀孕中的孩子
from the ass whooping of Twenty Mile
建造一个家
by making a home for Elgie and me
来从二十英里住♥宅♥的羞辱中恢复过来
and the baby I was always pregnant with,
可是 你知道…
but, you know…
我坐在马桶上一低头
I’d sit on the toilet and look down
内♥裤♥上又有血
and there it was, blood on my underpants.
天啊 很抱歉 伯纳黛特
Oh, my God. I am so sorry, Bernadette.
-不不不 -我之前不知道
– No, no, no. – I just didn’t know.
碧出生了
Bee arrived.
但是她的心脏
But, you know, her heart,
没有发育完全
hadn’t developed completely
需要通过一系列的手术来重建
and, you know, it needed to be rebuilt in a series of operations,
因为她活下来的可能 极其微小
’cause, you know, her chances for survival, they were minuscule.
尤其是那年代
Especially back then.
本以为有个生病的孩子
You’d think that having a sick child
会让夫妻要么更紧密 要么分离
would either bring a husband and wife closer together or tear them apart.
但我们的情况是两种都没有
But in our case, it didn’t do either.
我们只是…渐行渐远
We just started… drifting.
护士拍了这个
The nurses took this.
他们拍这个是觉得…
You know, they do that when they don’t think the…
宝宝不会…
the baby will…
2004年6月4日
瞧瞧她
Look at her.
第一次看到碧 我就…
When I first saw Bee, I just…
我就知道她不会离开
I knew that she was other
她被交托给我了
and that she’d been entrusted to me.
你知道宝宝克瑞纱纳的那些海报吗
Do you know those posters of baby Krishna?
-贝拉克瑞纱纳 -知道
– The Balakrishna. – Right.
创造者与破坏者
The creator and the destroyer,
他又胖又快乐又忧郁
and he’s fat and happy and blue?
碧之前就是那样 是创造者也是毁灭者
Well, that’s what Bee was, the creator and destroyer.
是啊
Yeah.
你看 太明显了 对吧
I mean, come on, it’s just obvious. Right?
所以我对护士说
So I said to the nurses,
“她不会死的 她是贝拉克瑞纱纳”
“She’s not gonna die. She’s Balakrishna.”
他们真的就把这个名字写在出生证明上了
And they actually put that name on the birth certificate.
然后 我就要求和我的女儿
And, so, yeah, I asked to be left alone
单独待一会
with my daughter.
埃尔吉之前给了我一个吊坠
And, well, Elgie once gave me this locket
多次看到似圣母玛利亚的幻象
并接受其指示创造奇迹的虔诚圣女
是圣伯纳黛特
of Saint Bernadette.
知道吗
You know…
-她看到了十八次神示 -对
– She had 18 visions, right? – Right.
他总是说 比伯双焦
And he always said the Beeber Bifocal
还有二十英里是我的前两个神示
and Twenty Mile were my first two visions.
于是我就靠过去
And so I leaned in and
对我美丽的小女儿说
I said to my beautiful little blue guppy,
我说 “你就是我剩下的十六个神示
I said, “You are my other 16 visions
全都糅合在你一个人身上了”
all rolled into one.”
她真的是
And she is.
现在 一眨眼的功夫 她就要跨过整个国家
And now, I blinked, and she’s going across the country
去寄宿学校了
to boarding school.
她让自己完全沉浸在
She just immersed herself
碧的康复过程中
so thoroughly in Bee’s recovery
这变成了她生活的全部
that it became her every fiber.
而
And…
我工作的时间越来越长
I worked longer and longer hours.
这就叫合作
Called it a partnership.
我很惊讶她现在没有接受治疗
I’m surprised to hear that she isn’t in therapy.
这应该是自然而然的第一步
That seems like a logical first step.
我试过了 不是很顺利
I tried that. Didn’t go so well.
我最近又问过她
I asked her again recently.
不是很顺利
Didn’t go so well.
埃尔吉不知道的是
You know, what Elgie doesn’t know
我依然放不下洛杉矶
is that I am still obsessing about LA.
什么意思
What do you mean?
就在昨晚 我醒来起夜
You know, just last night, right, I woke up to pee.
我半梦半醒的 脑子一片空白
You know, I’m half asleep. I’m a blank slate.
然后信息开始重现
And then the data starts reloading.
伯纳黛特·福克斯 二十英里住♥宅♥
Bernadette Fox, Twenty Mile House,
被毁了 失败了
destroyed, failure.
就好像失败的尖牙牢牢嵌在我体内
You know, it’s like failure has got its teeth in me,
时不时扎我几下
and it won’t stop shaking.
我无意中看到那个自恋狂
And then I accidentally see that cheesebag
奈杰尔·米尔斯·默里的名字
Nigel Mills-Murray’s name
出现在他的一个破电视节目上
on one of his dumb TV shows,
我心里就抓狂了
and I go nuts inside.
这只会加剧搅得我心神不宁的无边羞耻
You know, and it just adds to my bottomless, churning shame
我变得这么疯狂 这么不诚实
that I have become so demented and dishonest
以至于在我认识的最有才华 最体面的人看来
that I’m a stranger to the most brilliant,
我完全是个陌生人
honorable man I have ever met.
我真不知道伯纳黛特是怎么了
I technically have no idea what’s wrong with Bernadette.
她是抑郁 躁狂 广场恐惧
Is she depressed? Manic? Agoraphobic?
药物上瘾 偏执 我不知道
Hooked on pills? Paranoid? I don’t know.
我真不知道怎样才算是
I really don’t even know what constitutes
精神崩溃
a mental breakdown,
但是我非常清楚
but what has become crystal clear
不能再忽视问题的存在了
is that ignoring it is no longer an option.
所以我半夜躺在床上
So I’m lying in bed in the middle of the night
躁动就开始了
when the thumping arrives.
就是内心恐慌的无底黑洞
It’s this black hole of visceral panic.
都是为了些莫名其妙的事 比如
It was something ridiculous like, you know,
“我要给碧的午餐多加点水果”