伯纳黛特你去了哪（2019）

Jeez.
亲爱的曼祖拉
Dear Manjula,
发生了一件意料之外的事
something unexpected has come up,
如果你能加个班我会非常高兴
and I would love it if you would work extra hours.
我不知道印度现在是几点
I don’t know what time it is right now in India,
但请你
but please
尽快告诉我你是否可以加班
let me know ASAP if you’re available
因为我需要你给一个大项目
because I need you to work your Hindu magic
施展印度魔力 句号♥
on a huge project. Period.
好吧 我就不装了
Okay, I’ll stop being coy.
完全是一场灾难
It’s a total disaster.
显然埃尔吉和我跟碧承诺了
Apparently, Elgie and I have promised Bee
要全家去南极旅行
a family trip to Antarctica.
尽管我有一百万个理由不想去
And of the million reasons I don’t want to go,
但最关键的一个还是 我将不得不
the main one is it will require me
挤在人堆里
to be surrounded by people.
看起来就算是最小的船
Looks like even the smallest
也能容纳150个旅客
cruise ship has 150 other passengers
说白了就是我必须
which translates into me
跟其他147个人类挤在一起
being trapped with 147 other humans
他们都会用各自独特的方式惹恼我
who will uniquely annoy the hell out of me
比如粗鲁的举止 铺张浪费
with their rudeness, waste,
没完没了的唠叨 无聊的闲话
incessant yammering, and boring small talk,
还有可怕的食物要求
and creepy food requests.
或者还有更糟的 他们会对我感到好奇
Or worse, they’ll turn their curiosity toward me
期待我以友善的方式回应
and expect pleasantry in return.
光是想到这种事我就要惊恐发作了
I’m getting a panic attack just thinking about it.
但是一点点的
But a little…
社交焦虑不会伤害到任何人
social anxiety never hurt anyone,
对吧
am I right?
如果我把联♥系♥方式给你
If I give you the contact info,
你能接手处理一下吗
could you pretty please take over
申请文件 签证 飞机票
the paperwork, visas, plane tickets,
还有其它一切事宜
and everything involved with getting
把我们一家三口从西雅图送到白色大♥陆♥
we three from Seattle to the White Continent?
问号♥
Question mark.
只要是推荐打包清单上的东西
And we’ll need whatever’s on
我们都得备齐
the recommended packing list.
还用那张信♥用♥卡♥就行
Just use the same credit card.
对了 曼祖拉 还有件非常重要的事
Oh, yes, Manjula, one very important thing.
我要一件钓鱼背心
I’d like a fishing vest.
上面有许多拉链口袋的那种
You know, one replete with the zippered pockets.
显然我还需要找人把院子里的黑莓丛清理掉
And apparently, I need some blackberry bushes in my yard removed.
越快越好
The sooner the better.
隔壁的奥黛丽觉得
Audrey, next door, thinks nothing
在我的院子里闲逛不算事
of traipsing through my yard.
谁会干那种事 感叹号♥
Who does that! Exclamation point.
冰激凌
Ice Cream?
冰激凌
Ice Cream.
冰激凌
Ice Cream.
你怎么进去的
How did you get in there?
该接孩子了
真的很不方便 冰激凌
This is really inconvenient, Ice Cream.
你在那里等着
You wait there!
盖勒街学校
虽然我喜欢剪贴画掌印的创意
As much as I love clip art hand prints…
但我想我们得找出一个更能
I think we need to try to find an image
表达成功的图形
that better articulates success.
比如
Like, um,
比如纹章
a coat of arms…
要有设计元素
With something in it.
-比如计算器 -那很好
– Like a calculator. – Oh, that’s good.
对吧 或者文凭
Right? Or, or diplomas.
-文凭彩虹 -漂亮
– Like a rainbow of diplomas. – Cute.
画个大脑也不错
Maybe there’s a sketch of a brain,
穿着学位服 对吧
and it has a cap and gown on, right?
我们得记住我们想吸引的是那些
We, we just have to remember we’re trying to attract
合适的幼儿园家庭
the right kind of kindergarten families.
-好的 -谢谢 明迪
– Okay. – Thanks, Mindy.
凯尔 凯尔
Kyle! Kyle!
什么 现在不行
What? Not now.
我想他们要去做家庭作业了
Yeah, I think they’re going to do homework.
早午餐会的邀请回复纷至沓来
The brunch RSVPs are pouring in.
暂时还没有人拒绝
There has not been one “no” yet.
-真的吗 -对 我就指着你带十二把椅子过来了
– Really? – Yes, and I’m counting on you to bring those 12 chairs.
希望我能有时间
Well, I hope I can find the time.
椅子很重要的 你会有时间的
Yeah, it’s chairs. You’ll find time.
没问题的
Yeah.
你注意到我们的法国第♥一♥夫♥人♥
Did you notice our first lady of France
又围上丝巾了吗
has her scarf look going?
真等不及让她知道我的新工作了
I can’t wait until she finds out about my new job.
我严重怀疑她知不知道你是谁
I seriously doubt she even knows who you are.
我知道
I know.
她太讨厌了
She’s so awful.
-亲爱的 -林肯
– Hi, honey. – Hi, Lincoln.
妈妈
Hey, Mom.
我们要执行一项营救任务
We are on a rescue mission.
什么
What?
冰激凌被困在告解室里了
Ice Cream’s stuck in the confessional.
我差点忘了 伯纳黛特
I almost forgot. Bernadette!
伯纳黛特
Bernadette.
害虫来了 我们怎么办
Incoming gnat. What do we do?
冰激凌需要我们 快踩油门
Ice Cream needs us. Punch it.
伯纳黛特
Bernadette.
我的天…
Oh, my…
-怎么回事 -你看到了吗
– What happened? – Did you see that?
你看到了吗
Did you see that?
-天啊 -天…你没事吧
– Oh, my God. – Oh, my… Are you okay?
-天啊 -你…发生了什么
– Oh, God. – Are you… What happened?
-你还好吗 -我要哭了
– Are you okay? – I’m crying.
-天啊 -我一点也不好
– Oh, God. – I’m not all right!
好吧 天啊
Okay. Oh, my God.
你…她碾过去了吗
Did you… Did she run over it?
有吗 你看到了吗
Did she? Did you see?
-没有 -她碾了我的脚
– No. – She ran over my foot.
好了 你扶着
Okay, you hold it.
不行 它是我的狗
No way. She’s my dog.
你扶着梯子 我上去
You hold the ladder. I’ll go up.
绝对不行 贝拉
Absolutely not, Bala.
太危险了
It’s too dangerous.
别叫 是我
Shush, it’s me.
-真是个戏精 -妈
– Such a drama queen. – Mom!
妈 你还好吗
Mom, are you okay?
好了 妈
All right, Mom!
-碧 -你没事吧
– Bee! – Are you okay?
冰激凌
Ice Cream.
你真是史上最坏的狗狗
You’re the worst dog ever.
-你没事吧 -没事
– Hey, you okay? – Yeah.
这是寄给你的
This came for you.
寄信人 乔特罗斯玛丽高中
收件人 贝拉克瑞纱纳·布兰奇
恭喜你
Congratulations.
我不敢相信
I can’t believe it.
感受一下微软的动力
you feel the Microsoft motivation.
我们对一下表吧
Let’s synchronize our watches.
萨曼莎二代小组
那是林肯的妈妈吗
Is that Lincoln’s mom?
在西雅图 条条大路通微软
In Seattle, all roads lead to Microsoft.
妈妈
Mom,
看看她在看什么
look what she’s watching.
洗♥脑♥进行中
Indoctrination in progress.
由于神经影像学的
So thanks to ongoing developments
持续发展 各位TED演讲者们
in neural imaging, TEDsters,