特雷弗·诺亚：但愿你可以（2022）

That’s where the world is lucky that Africans aren’t spiteful.
只能说这些人 很幸运 非洲人并不恶毒
没错
Yeah.
非洲人都不是恶毒的人
Africans aren’t spiteful people.
因为我愿意付出一切
‘Cause I would’ve given anything to see one African news anchor be like
只为了能看到非洲主播这么报道
“大家晚上好 欢迎收看非洲新闻
“Good evening, everybody, and welcome to the Africa News Network.”
今晚 我们将报道 目前正肆虐整个西方世界
“Tonight, we are covering the ongoing coronavirus pandemic
的新冠病毒疫情
that is ravaging the Western world.”
许多非洲科学家不禁怀疑
“Many African scientists are asking
这样的不幸是否 是西方人自身的责任
if these people do not have themselves to blame.”
“Many of them have refused the advice of the World Health Organization
他们很多人拒绝 接受世卫组织的建议
完全不在意社交距离的防疫措施
completely ignoring the social distancing methods.”
某些人甚至不知道怎么洗手
“Some have even had to be shown how to wash their own hands.”
“Savages.”
真是野蛮人
显然 新冠疫情愈加严重的原因是
“It appears what has been increasing the severity of this problem
某些人不愿意往自己的脸上戴口罩
is the fact that some do not even want to wear masks across their face
他们的说辞是 ‘戴上这层布我无法呼吸’
saying, quote, ‘I cannot breathe through this piece of cloth.'”
“This is commonly known by scientists as ‘bitch-ass lungs syndrome.'”
科学家认为 这是明显的贱肺综合征
“Back to you in the studio, Chippewa.”
镜头交给演播室 奇普瓦”
Would’ve given anything to see that.
只要能看到这个 让我♥干♥什么都行
我没有想到新冠 带来的最大的副作用居然是
One of the biggest side effects of COVID that I didn’t expect
揭露了人类的愚蠢程度
is how stupid it would make human beings.
Yeah. If there’s one thing coronavirus did
是的 如果说新冠有什么功劳
那一定是让我知道了我的 朋友里居然有这么多傻子
it taught me how many of my friends are absolute idiots.
每个人上的 都是Facebook大学
Everyone studied at the University of Facebook.
Everyone’s a scientist.
每个人都是科学家
Everyone had a conspiracy theory.
每个人都有自己的阴谋论
“你知道这是 为什么吗?都是政♥府♥干的”
“You know what happened here. The government did this.”
-“政♥府♥?” -“没错-都是政♥府♥干的”
“Oh, the government?” “Yeah. The government did this.”
-“为什么?” -“为了控制我们”
“Why?” “To control us.”
你觉得这样政♥府♥就能控制我们了?
“You thought this gave them control?”
“You think governments wanted this?”
你以为政♥府♥想这样吗?
你觉得哪个办法能 让政♥府♥更好的控制我们?
Which do you think gives a government more control?
是让所有人都去工作挣钱
A population that goes to work, earns money
买♥♥一些他们负担不起的东西 从而背上债务 不得不再去工作
buys things they can’t afford, get into debt, have to go back to work
为了挣钱做更多他们不喜欢的事
do more of the thing they don’t like to get more money
给那些他们不需要 又负担不起的东西还贷款
to pay the debt for the thing they didn’t need
for the thing they didn’t need or afford.
为了那些他们不喜欢又不需要的东西
To get more money to go to the job for the thing they don’t like
天天上班挣钱
for the thing they didn’t need
为了那些不需要的东西申请贷款
to get the loan for the money for the thing they didn’t want
再为了那些不需要 的东西背上更多的债务
to get into more debt to get the thing they don’t want
为了还钱不得不苦逼地上班
to go to the job they don’t need for the money…
你觉得哪个办法 能更好的控制我们?是那个?
Which do you think gives them more control? That?
还是让所有人都呆在家里
Or everyone just sitting at home
领着免费的补贴 思考人生呢?
with free money, thinking about life?
每个人都坐在家里寻思
Everyone just sitting at home, like
“为什么周末只有两天呢?”
“How come a weekend’s only two days?”
这才是政♥府♥最大的噩梦
That’s a government’s worst nightmare.
阴谋论太蠢了
Conspiracies were stupid.
说实话 我并不反对阴谋论
Here’s the thing. I’m not against conspiracy theories. Right?
而且我很喜欢高水准的阴谋论
Please understand that. I actually like a good conspiracy theory.
并且我觉得每个人都应该相信
In fact, I think everybody should hold one.
我认为你最少应该 相信一种高水平的阴谋论
I think, in your life, you should hold at least one good conspiracy theory.
这能让你保持警觉
Yeah. Keeps you on your toes.
Don’t just trust everything everyone tells you.
但是不要随便相信别人的话
一定要是高水准的
You gotta have one.
你问我最爱的阴谋论?
Like, mine? My personal favorite?
我相信
I believe
麸质是彻底的白人特权
that gluten is concentrated white privilege.
你们知道我是对的
You know I’m right.
但是新冠的阴谋论太荒谬了
But COVID, oh, man, the conspiracies were ridiculous.
因为我知道事实的真♥相♥
Especially because I know what really happened.
所以我才那么沮丧
All right? That’s what frustrated me.
真的 我真的知道
No, I do.
我知道是什么引起了新冠
I knew exactly what caused COVID. I saw it coming and I didn’t say anything.
我知道新冠会来 但我什么都没说 这的确是我的错
My bad, by the way. I, uh…
原因就是人类许的愿太多了
Yeah, it was too much wishing.
我们许了太多的愿
We wished too much.
我早就知道会这样
I saw it coming.
在我小的时候 许愿是件特殊的事
You know, when I was young, wishing was something that was special.
人们不会经常许愿
Didn’t happen that much.
只有碰到特殊的场合
You had to have a special set of circumstances
才能许愿
in order to make a wish.
你得找到叶片数量正确的三叶草
You’d find a clover with the right amount of leaves. Yeah?
或是看到流星
There’d be a star, shooting.
-“在哪?” -“在那!”
“Where?” “There!” [gasps] Too late.
已经晚了
Or it had to be your birthday.
或者是你生日的时候
大家会端出生日蛋糕
They’d bring out the candles.
只有一口气吹灭所有蜡烛
And if you blew them all out
你才能许愿
you could make a wish.
没有全部吹灭 你就会立刻死掉
And if you missed any, you died.
但是后来变成了什么情况都能许愿
But then people just started wishing for anything, huh?
Find an eyelash on their cheek…
在脸上找到一根睫毛
“许个愿吧!”
“Make a wish!”
你知道你脸上有 多少根那样的鬼东西吗?
Know how many of these shits are on your face at any given time?
People started wishing on, like, the time.
人们还会对着时间许愿
“啊!11:11啦!
Right? Be like, “11:11.”
“Make a wish!”
许个愿吧!”
这个时间每天都有好吧
That’s every day.
地球这边的人甚至一天许两次 因为他们不喜欢用24小时制
Twice a day on this side of the world, ’cause people don’t like big numbers.
你不能每天都许愿 那不算特殊场合
You can’t wish every day. That’s not a special occasion. But people did it.
但人们还是这么做
人们不停地许愿
People were wishing. Wishing, wishing, wishing.
到处都有人许愿 连饶舌歌♥手也这样
Everywhere. Even rappers got involved.
“Oh, I wish a nigga would.” Would what? You can’t just leave it open-ended.
“哦 我希望黑人可以”
可以什么?怎么说一半不说了?
这就是新冠产生的原因 因为我们的愿望撞在了一起
And that’s how we got COVID. All our wishes came together.
这些愿望同时实现了
And they all came true at the same time.
这就是结果
And that’s what we got.
新冠就像个混♥蛋♥精灵 人们要什么它就给什么
Yeah, COVID was like an asshole genie that gave us everything we asked for.
我们都许了愿
We all wished.
有多少人在2020年初
How many people were rubbing that lamp
摩擦过那盏神灯?
at the beginning of 2020?
狂热地许下了愿望
Just wishing away, like
“哦 我希望每天都不用去办公室”
“Oh, I wish I didn’t have to go into the office every day.”
“你的愿望实现了”
“Your wish is granted.”
是啊 你希望不去办公室
Yeah, you wished not to go into the office.
但你忘了许个 不要让家里变成办公室的愿望
You forgot to wish that the office wouldn’t come into your house.
所以你被困在了家里
Now you are stuck
每天都要开视频会议
every day, on Zoom
不能眨眼 还得一直跟同事眼神交流
can’t blink, gotta make constant eye contact.
是的
“Yeah. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.”
还得在家里找一个可以
Had to find the one corner of your house
让你看起来干净体面的角落
that made it look like you had your shit together.
每个人都许了愿
Everybody wished.
而且我们的愿望都实现了
And, boy, we got what we wished for.
有多少父母摩擦过那盏神灯?
How many parents were rubbing that lamp?
狂热地许下了愿望?
Wishing away?
“哦 我希望和孩子多相处一会”
“Oh, I wish I could spend more time with my kids. Oh!”
“Oh!”
“你的愿望实现了”
“Your wish is granted.”
没错
Yeah.
很多父母意识到 自己喜欢孩子的唯一原因
A lot of parents realized the only reason you like your kids
就是你们的相处时间是有限的
is because you only know them part-time.
只需要早上见见面 送他们上学 晚上给他们掖掖被子
You meet them in the morning, send them off, tuck them in at night.
这个工作太轻松了
It’s a pretty sweet gig.
但是突然间 所有人都被关在了家里
But the next thing you know, everyone was trapped indoors, 24/7.
看到父母们翻脸真是太有趣了
Ooh, it was so fun to watch the parents flip.
还记得一开始所有父母都在说
It was so fun. Remember at the beginning, all the parents were there
“你们不准开学!
like, “You will not open the schools!”
我的孩子哪儿都不去!
“My children are not going anywhere!”