环药房自行车赛（2017）

除此以外我什么也感受不到
I could feel nothing else.
事实上 我什么也感受不到
In fact, I could feel nothing at all,
是因为我服用了
because I was also on…
许多 羟可待酮
very much… Oxycodone.
哇 那哥们儿是个小妞
Whoa! The dude was a chick!
Adrian Baton事实上是一名女子
Adrian Baton is, in fact, a woman.
那个时刻 着实是为这个新的电影类型
Well, that moment really set the groundwork
变装体育类电影奠定了基础
for a whole genre of cross-dressing sports films…
例如<年轻的主张> <人无完人>
Just One of the Guys, Nobody’s Perfect,
<窈窕淑女队> <女篮辣>
Ladybugs, Juwanna Ma…
<女篮辣哥>是我认为最棒的电影之一
Juwanna Mann is, I think, one of the best films.
可以说这是最棒的电影
It’s arguably the best film.
这远非结局
And that’s not all.
Rex Honeycut似乎骑着辆带马达的自行车
It appears Rex Honeycut was riding with an engine in his bike.
我猜测这解释了他如何与专业运动员齐头并进
I guess that explains how he kept up with the pros.
只有Marty 形单影只 向着巴黎前进
It was all Marty, all alone, heading into Paris.
努力独自前行是令人伤心欲绝的
It was… it was heartbreaking to try to go it alone,
但我必须尽力为Adrian赢下比赛
but I had to try to win for Adrian…
否则她的牺牲将毫无意义
otherwise her sacrifice would’ve been for nothing.
一个非洲人将赢下环法自行车赛
An African was going to win the Tour de France!
有那么一瞬间
And for a brief moment…
我爱上了Marty Hass
I loved Marty Hass.
现在Marty Hass正在骑向终点线
And here’s Marty Hass approaching the finish line.
他将成为1982年的冠军
He will be the champion of the 1982…
等等 这是什么 女士们先生们
Wait! What’s this? Ladies and gentlemen,
Slim Robinson回来了
Slim Robinson is back!
尽管农场生活是完美的
Even though life on the farm was perfect,
但骑车在我脑海中挥之不去
I couldn’t get cycling out of my head.
Slim骑着他的战车 以一个令人难以置信的速度移♥动♥
Slim is moving at an incredible pace on his cruiser!
他要赶上Marty了
He’s caught up to Marty!
但Marty正在全力加速
But now it’s Marty giving a strong push!
女士们先生们
Ladies and gentlemen,
我们正在经历一场梦幻的结束
we are in for an incredible finish!
他们目前并驾齐驱
They are absolutely neck and neck right now!
越来越近 越来越近
Getting closer! Getting closer!
这是载入史册的一刻
This is one for the record books!
胜者是
And the winner is…
根据远景镜头来看是Slim Robinson
Slim Robinson by a long shot.
从另一个角度他们俩相距非常近
It looked really close from the other angle,
不 一点儿也不近
but no, it was not close at all.
那些虚焦镜头十分具有欺骗性
Those defocused lenses can be really deceiving.
当我想起这件事时 我仍会激动万分
I still get emotional when I think about it.
我是说 我是环法自行车大赛的第一位黑人选手
I mean, I was the first black man in the Tour de France,
并且我赢了
and I won it.
这是至今为止发生的最重要的事情
This is the most important shit that has ever happened ever!
操♥他♥妈♥的Jackie Robinson
Fuck Jackie Robinson,
操♥他♥妈♥的Marty Hass和他的假非洲血统
and fuck Marty Hass with his fake African ass!
你猜还有什么 我还会做奶酪 哟
Guess what else? I can make cheese, yo!
我的奶酪制♥作♥技术可是十分了得
I make some good cheeses.
一个黑人赢得了环法自行车赛的冠军 我开心吗
Was I happy that a black man won the Tour de France?
这是我听到这个消息的第一反应
This is the first I’m hearing about it.
不知何故 Marty Hass
Somehow, Marty Hass
找到一个办法再一次搞了我们
found a way to fuck us over again.
你懂的 我认为这是一种莫大的耻辱
You know, I think it’s a bit of a shame that…
非洲人不能赢得这场比赛
that an African couldn’t have won that race.
对于单车骑行而言 那是一段极其糟糕的岁月
It was a very fucked up year for bicycle riding.
自行车选手都是彪形大汉
Cyclists are hunks.
我仍不喜爱观看自行车赛
I still really don’t love watching cycling.
有着外星人般上肢
With the upper body of an alien
和马一般下肢
and the downstairs of a horse.
在82年自行车赛中真正吸引我的是选手们
What really got me invested in the ’82 Tour were the characters.
面对仅有的5名选手 你确实可以了解所有人
With only five guys, you really got to know each of them.
你确实会倍加关心 这是一个超级强的角色发展
You really cared. It was just super strong character development,
这整个过程 就像 有一个梦幻结局
and the whole thing, like, really played out,
就像一部精心雕琢的剧本
like, a really well-written script.
我赢得了环法自行车大赛
I won the Tour de France,
我仅凭一腔热血完成了这件事
and I did it with nothing but my own blood,
还有我的汗水和眼泪 以及额外的热血
sweat, and tears, and extra blood!
我♥操♥
Oh shit.
那是艰难的一天
It was a tough day.
比赛输了 妹子跑了
Lost the race, lost my girl,
在那之后我再也没有见过Adrian
and I haven’t seen Adrian since.
不 我再也没有 我再也没有见过Marty
No, I never, uh… I never did see Marty again.
我朝Rex的猛撞
Um, my crashing into Rex
被认为是过失杀人
was considered manslaughter,
因为他被我撞死了
since he died, you know?
因此我获刑35年
And for this, I received… 35 years in prison,
所以
so…
这一切都是值得的
It was worth it…
因为我完成了我打算做的事
…because I did what I set out to do.
我证明了女性可以像任何男性一样在自行车赛中作弊
I proved that a woman can cheat at cycling as well as any man.
这是人们需要考虑的一些事
That’s something for people to think about
从一个无名小卒口中听得
from this anonymous guy.
我的父母从一辆货车中买♥♥了一部自行车给我
My parents bought me the bike out of van,
但他们不知道那辆车是偷来的
but they didn’t know the bike was stolen.
然后有一天 我骑着那辆车上学
And then one day, I’m just riding to school,
我被打得鼻青脸肿 神志不清
and then I’m getting the living shit beat out of me.
这就是在非洲发生的事
And that’s what it’s like in Africa.
就像有时他们吃光了呆瓜糖
Like, sometimes they’ll run out of Nerds candy.
你吃过吗 我嚷嚷着”我的呆子在哪儿”
Have you ever had that? I was like, “Where’s my Nerds?
“我的呆子在哪儿” – 在非洲的呆子短缺
Where’s my Nerds?” – A Nerds shortage in Africa?
没错 对 因为他们得把这些糖运进来
Right. Yeah, because they gotta ship ’em in,
我会嚷嚷着”爸
and I’m like, “Dad!
我的呆子在哪儿”
Where’s my Nerds?”
我不是一个挤奶工 我是一个自行车手
I’m not a milkman. I’m a cyclist.
你不能骑走这辆车 – 你去告诉Slim的叔叔
You’re not taking this bike! – You tell Slim’s uncle
Slim回到自行车赛上去了
Slim is back on the Tour!
那是谁
Who is that?
他妈的Jackie Robinson
Jackie fucking Robinson!
关于环法自行车赛的大新闻
Big news at the Tour de France,
一场打斗爆发了 果不其然
a fight has broken out, and not surprisingly,
澳大利亚肌肉狂人Gustav Ditters处于战斗中心
Austrian muscle freak Gustav Ditters is in the center of it.
我们这儿有一些他抓住Jabin Dolchey的片段
Here we have some footage of him grabbing Jabin Dolchey.
他利用Jabin乱踢的双腿
He used Jabin’s flailing legs
去踹其他自行车运动员的脸
to kick other riders in the face.
惊人之举 我是Mick Porterhous 哇
Stupendous. I’m Mick Porterhouse and… Woo!
哦不 我的腿抖个不停 兄弟
Oh no! My legs are getting all shaky, man!
喂 喂 喂 放松 慢慢来 哥们儿 他承受不了的
Hey, hey, hey. Slow down, man. He can’t take that.
对他宽松一点 – 我觉得我要把我的肠子拉出来了
Take it easy on him! I think I’m gonna evacuate my bowels!
跟着感觉走 Marty 骑车 挥臂 – 这帮不上忙 Slim
Just go with it, Marty! Ride the wave! – That is not helping, Slim!
打电♥话♥给我爸 – 够了
Call my dad! – Basta!
打电♥话♥给我爸 兄弟 – 打电♥话♥给他爸
Call my dad, man! – Call his-a papa!
在那以后
After that…
我碰上了三连发 然后晕了过去
I rocked a trifecta, and I passed out.
哦 不错
Oh, cool, yeah.
哦 那是当你同时呕吐排泄和射♥精♥
Oh, that’s when you, um, puke and shit and jizz at the same time.
篮球运动员是什么样的
What’s a basketball player look like?
我们纳帕这里没有
We don’t have that in Napa.
这是篮球运动员
That’s a basketball player?
我的老天
Jesus!
这比自行车手的照片更让我性奋
That makes me even hornier than the picture of a cyclist.
我♥操♥ 他棒呆了
Oh my shit, he is fine!
他的短裤里那他妈的是什么
What the fuck is in his shorts?
那是电视节目中一个惊人的时刻
That was just a shocking moment of television.
那是残忍♥的且火花四射
It was ferocious and full of electricity.
那是快乐
It was… felicity.
当你让一个疯狂的人
When you put a crazy person
掌管环法自行车赛
in charge of the Tour de France,
疯狂的事就会发生
crazy things will happen.
这就是Ditmer Perten 是Perten吗
That was Ditmer Perten.Was that “Perten”?