环药房自行车赛（2017）

但那一天 他活了下来并赢得了黄色骑行服
But that day, he lived and won the yellow jersey,
之后在当晚用一次应得的按♥摩♥庆祝了阶段性的胜利
Then celebrated that night with a well-earned massage.
每晚 疲惫的肌肉
Each night, the depleted muscles
都必须被充分舒展放松以迎接之后比赛的折磨
must be softened in readiness for the torture ahead.
骑手们隆起的 剃光的四头肌
The riders’ bulging, shaved quadriceps
和光滑紧致的腘绳肌
and smooth, taut hamstrings
都需要深层按♥摩♥来放松
require deep tissue massage
当最好的精油
With the finest oils available
与强壮的手指相配合
and strong fingers,
所有累积的乳酸才能最终被排出体外
all that built up lactic acid can finally be ejaculated.
那之后我就晕倒了 但在那之前
After that, I passed out, but not before,
我记得 我让所有人承诺
I remember, making everybody promise
大家要轮流领骑
to take turns riding up front
这样剩下的人就能跟骑
so the rest of us could draft.
你得慢一档骑
You gotta take it down a notch out there,
JuJu 你太拼了
JuJu. You’re going too hard.
Marty说得对 现在只有我们五个人
Marty’s right. It’s just the five of us.
对 我们要通力合作
Yeah, we gotta work together,
互相为彼此领骑
and all start drafting for each other.
自行车赛的一个重要元素就是领骑
One of the most important elements of cycling is drafting,
这是指骑手们轮流
and that’s when the cyclists take
骑在最前面顶住空气阻力
turns breaking the wind at the front of the pack.
领骑的骑手最为辛苦
It’s much harder on the rider in the front,
但他后面的人的体力消耗会大幅减少
but everyone behind him expends way less energy.
搞什么鬼 老兄
What the fuck, dude?
不是说好了轮流领骑的么
We said we were gonna take turns in the lead.
对 不过 还没轮到我呢
Yeah, well, it’s not my turn.
也还没轮到我呢
Well, it’s not my turn either.
JuJu 你来领骑
JuJu, you take the lead.
我当时想 “老兄 说好的计划怎么搞成这样”
I’m like, “Dudes, what happened to the plan?”
你懂的 没人想做那个苦差事
You know, nobody wanted to do the work.
所有人都慢了下来
Everybody’s just slowing down.
要知道 尼日利亚有一句老话说得好
You know, there’s an old saying in Nigeria:
偷血钻者焉知廉耻为何物
Is there no honor amongst blood diamond thieves?
我认为用来形容这种情况特别合适
I think that applied in this case.
没人想在前面骑 所以
No one would ride in front, so…
所以我们都争着当后面的那个
So we were all competing to be in the back.
之后的七天
Over the next seven days,
选手们缓慢爬过了法国
the riders crawled across France,
每个人都不想领骑
each unwilling to take the lead.
不夸张的说 在这个阶段
Suffice it to say, during this section,
比赛相当无聊
the race was boring.
现在我们到了第九赛段
Here we are, stage nine,
单调的比赛还在继续
the monotony continues.
车手们被一个老太太超了
Now being passed by an old lady.
Slim 你今天表现得非常棒 骑得最慢
Slim, you’ve done an amazing job, riding slowest today.
你是怎么能保持这个节奏的
How are you holding up at this pace?
你懂的 Rex 这样的骑法
You know, Rex, riding like this
让我有了一个可以真正环顾四周的机会
Has given me a chance to really stop and look around.
我是说 看看现在我们身处的这个地方
Yeah, I mean, look where we are.
这实在太美了
It’s beautiful out here.
嗯 对 对
Right. Sure.
啊对了 那下一步你是什么打算
Yeah, so, what’s next for you?
哇哇哇 等会 Rex
Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold up, Rex.
等会 等会 等会 嘿
Hold up. Hold up. Hold up. Hey
我就是在那个地方遇见的Fabienne
That’s where I met Fabienne.
哦哦 – 嗯 抱歉我得离开一会
Oh. – Yeah, excuse me for one moment.
我得去那边办点事情
I gotta see about something over here.
好的 刚才是Slim Robinson 决定花点时间
Right. That’s Slim Robinson, taking a moment
来认真享受生活
to really enjoy life.
我完全理解Slim的做法
I totally understand what Slim did.
有的时候你的生活只是需要叫个暂停而已
Sometimes you just need a time-out.
不过缓慢的骑行终于在
But the slow riding suddenly came to an end
一个沉睡的巨人被吵闹的粉丝叫醒后走到了尽头
when a rowdy fan awoke a sleeping giant.
你♥他♥妈♥的跟我说啥
What the fuck did you say to me?
今天一个人跟本Gustav讲 说我骑不快
Today a man tell Gustav I cannot ride fast,
但是我其实可以骑得很快的
but I can ride very fast.
下面我将回答现场提问 – Gustav
I will now field questions. – Gustav!
Gustav 我的问题是 你真能骑得快吗
Gustav, my question is, can you ride fast?
去你♥妈♥的♥ 下一个问题
Fuck you! Next question.
好的 嗨 你能骑得快吗
Yeah, hi. Can you ride fast?
去你♥妈♥的♥ 明天我要骑的超级快
Fuck you! Tomorrow I will ride incredibly fast
来证明你们都错了
and prove all of you wrong!
比赛 现在 开始
The race starts now!
Gustav Ditters果然信守了他的诺言
And Gustav Ditters making good on his promise.
比赛现在正式开始了
The race starts now.
他正像一个着了魔的人一样疯狂撕扯着庇里牛斯山的公路
He is absolutely tearing up the Pyrenees like a man possessed.
即使算上过去十天的休息
Even taking into account the past 10 days’ rest,
这样的表现也是破纪录的
this performance is off the charts!
我不晓得这家伙是打什么鸡血了
I do not know what has got into this guy.
没人知道Gustav Ditters在哪天到底是打什么鸡血了
No one knew what had gotten into Gustav Ditters that day,
但肯定是一些颇为值得怀疑的东西
but many suspected something had, literally.
打破记录在环法自行车赛是家常便饭
Setting records is standard protocol for the Tour de France,
但是当你打破记录还拼完上山的路
but when you blow records away and burn up a mountain
速度居然能比在平地踩车更快的时候
at a pace most sprinters achieve on flat land,
自然会引起怀疑
suspicions arise.
嘿 得了吧
Hey, come on.
如果你没服药 怎么拼得过服了药的人
How do you beat a man on drugs if you’re not on drugs?
等等 你刚刚是不是承认服药了
Wait. Did you just admit to being on drugs?
不只JuJu一人怀疑Gustav突如其来的爆发力
JuJu wasn’t the only one suspicious of Gustav’s newfound energy.
Ditters先生 我们是警♥察♥
Monsieur Ditters, we are police!
那不是血 那不是血
It is not blood. It is not blood.
那是佳得乐(运动饮料) 我喝给你看
It is Gatorade. I will drink it now.
把佳得乐给我
Give me the Gatorade!
把血给我 把血给我
Give me the blood! Give me the blood!
嗑血 大多数人都熟悉这个词
Blood doping. Most people are familiar with the term,
但它的原理到底是什么呢
but how exactly does it work?
要了解嗑血
To understand doping,
我们必须首先了解红血球的功能
we must first understand the function of the red blood cell.
嗨 我是红血球
Hi, I’m a red blood cell,
是你身体中最为常见的一种血细胞
and it’s the most common type of blood cell in your body.
就是这样 我的孩子
That’s right, my boy!
我们的工作在血流中大概是至关重要的
Our job is perhaps the most important in the bloodstream.
我们是运输工
We are the delivery men,
把氧气运输到身体中的各个细胞当中
delivering oxygen to all the cells of the body.
与我们齐心协力的还有其他血细胞
We work alongside the other blood cells,
像血小板 – 大家好
like platelets… – Hey-oh!
他们是建造工 – 嗷
…who are the construction men… – Ow!
还有白细胞
…and the white blood cells,
他们是附近的警务人员
who are the police force around here.
他持了一杆枪 – 什么
He’s got a gun! – What?
哦 我的天呐 他死掉了
Oh my God! He’s fucking dead!
好啦 冷 冷静 我们只是履行我们的职责
All right, calm… calm down. We were just doing our job.
猪头警♥察♥ 猪头警♥察♥
Pigs! Pigs!
让我们把这该死的店烧为平地
Let’s burn this motherfucker down!
杀死这帮白种混球
Kill these white motherfuckers!
不 别烧我的店 我是友军
No! Don’t burn my shop down! I’m on your side!
对 烧毁它
Yeah, burn it down!
停下 我们这是在自相残杀
Stop! We’re just attacking ourselves!
这片区已经艾滋病爆发了
It’s full-blown AIDS in here!
以上片段出自一位女性动画制♥作♥者Victoria Young
The animator of the proceeding piece was a woman named Victoria Young.
我原是<芝麻街>的动画制♥作♥者
I was originally an animator for Sesame Street,
但后来被Henson炒鱿鱼了
but then I got fired from Henson,
因为我画得不够快
because I couldn’t draw fast enough.
芝麻街也不满我创作的Huey Black一角
Sesame Street was also unhappy with my creation of the character Huey Black.
嘿呀 Huey 你想要玩一个数字游戏吗
Heya, Huey! Do you wanna play a numbers game?
你♥他♥妈♥闭嘴
Shut the fuck up!
不管怎样 Gustav Ditters确实嗑血了
Anyway, Gustav Ditters was blood doping,
但不是大家猜想的那种方式
but not the way you’d expect.
自行车运动员进行嗑血以使提高他们最大摄氧量
Cyclists dope to get their VO2 max levels up,