环药房自行车赛（2017）

有人开始站起来了
People are beginning to stand,
这是个好事 – 不是我的错
which is a good sign. – Is-a not my fault!
我没看清路 – 嘿JuJu
I lose-a sight of the road! – Hey, JuJu!
喔哦
Whoa!
Jabin Dolchey以两件事闻名
Jabin Dolchey was known for two things:
打架和他的装束
Fighting and his outfits
他声称衣服是用
that he claimed to be made from
一种高科技透气的材料做成的
a high-tech breathable material
他称这材料为斯潘纶
he called Spanlon.
Jabin Dolchey 为比赛加速
Jabin Dolchey! Speed the competition!
他是个怪鸟
He was an odd bird,
他看起来好自豪 但其实大家都能看见
and he seemed proud of what everyone could see
他的屌♥又小又歪
was a very tiny, misshaped penis.
Jabin这一拳引发了
Jabin’s punch kicked off
自行车赛世上最大型的混战
the most massive scuffle in Tour history.
呃 这是真的糟糕
Well, this is just awful.
这些男人是真心想把彼此撕碎
These men are literally trying to tear one another apart.
自行车手的耐力都十分惊人
Cyclists are incredible athletes as far as endurance goes,
但是他们好多打架都跟小婊♥子♥似的
but a great deal of ’em fight like little bitches.
他们开了个舞会 人们还称之为打架
They had a dance party, and people said it was a fight.
作为一个拳击手 这很冒犯我
As a boxer, it was offensive to me.
正如在瑞士附近发生的任何事故
And as is with every accident near Switzerland,
圣伯纳犬永远是第一个回应的
a Saint Bernard is the first responder.
非常浑浊
It’s really peaty.
他们想互相伤害
They tried to hurt each other,
但我是个爱好和平的人
but I am a… A peaceful person.
我不做那样的事情
I don’t do things like that.
不 不 我求你了
Please! No! No! I beg you!
不 不 不要 我走光了
No! No! Please! I’m naked!
求把我放下来
Please put me down!
我那天所做的一切
Everything I did that day,
都只是自我防卫
I did in self-defense.
法国当局力量终于抵达现场
French authorities finally arrived
制止了这场骚乱
and put the kibosh on the fracas.
第一天的比赛被取消了
The first day was canceled,
无人重伤
but with no major injuries,
比赛本将于第二天恢复
the race was expected to resume the following day,
如果不是一个瓶子的缘故的话
were it not for a forsaken water bottle.
如果你一下子使用太大剂量的安♥非♥他♥命♥
If you take too strong a dose of amphetamines,
效果相当于超强春♥药♥
they can act as a super powerful aphrodisiac.
不不不 – 好
No, no, no. – Oui.
不
No!
不 不
No! No!
不要
No.
不要
No.
当我大剂量地使用安♥非♥他♥命♥的时候
When I took a large dose of amphetamines,
我结果搞起了
I ended up having sex with a…
哦 我们必须亲自试一下每样违禁药品的
Oh, we have to try every drug on our banned list,
才能知道我们在应付的是什么样的药物
so we know what we’re dealing with.
其实我还画下来了这些体验
I actually paint what the experiences are like,
这样就不会忘记每一种药效
so I can remember the effects of each drug.
你们想看看吗
Would you like to see them?
所以 这个是我磕安♥非♥他♥命♥的时候的画的
So, this is what I painted while I was on amphetamines.
这差不多就是我用药的时候的感觉
It’s kind of what I felt like when I did the drug.
对啊
Yeah.
这是我抽完强效可♥卡♥因♥后画的
This is when I did crack cocaine,
你可以发现这两款药非常相似
So you can see how similar the two drugs are.
哦 这是我抽完冰♥毒♥之后画的
Oh, this is from when I did meth.
可以看得出来冰♥毒♥
So, you can see that meth
与前两种毒品相比是很不一样的
Is a very different drug than the other two.
是的
Yeah.
对了这里所有的画我都可以卖♥♥
And all of these are for sale.
为了试图平息水壶事件在媒体上引起的众怒
In an attempt to quell the media frenzy the water bottle created,
Ditmer Klerken召开了一次发布会
Ditmer Klerken held a press conference.
Ditmer Ditmer 有报告指出你向每个选手都开出了
Ditmer, Ditmer. There are reports that you asked every rider
以50000美元换取对其不进行药检的的贿赂价码
for $50,000 if they did not want to be drug tested.
这 这是真的吗 – 对 是真的
Is… is that true? – Yeah, that’s true.
我是说不 妈的 不
I mean, no. Fuck! No.
我是说不 我的意思是 这不是真的
I mean… no, I mean it’s not… not true.
啊 妈的 啊
Ah fuck! Ah.
现在你们再也不会相信我了
Now you guys are never going to believe me
因为我不假思索地就说是真的
because I said it was true right away.
但是 不不不 那不是真的
But no, no, no, that’s… that’s not true.
不过你们有谁知道 如果说你承认了个事
But does anybody know if you admit to something
比如你承认受贿了
like taking bribes
然后你又把所有收的钱还了回去 我是说比如
and you give all the money back, for instance,
可以说这意味着你能保住这份工作吗
does that mean that you could keep your job?
啊 多疯狂的一个假设问题
Ah! What a crazy hypothetical question.
我是咋想出来这些东西的
Where do I even come up with this stuff?
对了 好像没有人问我有没有背着老婆出轨
And nobody ask me if I’m cheating on my wife,
因为我有 啊 我开玩笑的
because I am. Ah! I’m kidding.
不 不 呸
No, no. Shit!
于是一个接着一个 几乎所有的参赛选手
And one by one, nearly every participant in the race
都因寄出了贿赂金而被取消比赛资格
was disqualified for sending the bribe money.
170名入围选手中 只有五位没有寄出贿赂支票
Of the 170 riders entered, only five did not send checks.
由于仅剩五名参赛选手
With only five riders left,
环法自行车赛恐被取消
it seemed the Tour would be canceled.
我没贿赂Ditmer 我做错什么了
I didn’t pay Ditmer. What I to do?
但要是他们把比赛停了 那我是因为什么受惩罚
But if-a they end the race, then I am punished for what?
为什么惩罚我 看看我
Why punish me? Look at me.
你往你鼻子里塞点可♥卡♥因♥ 拉泡屎
You put a little coke-a in your nose, take a shit,
来一炮爽的 第二天早上起来
have great sex, wake up-a the next day,
然后你就当上冠军了
and you are like a… champion.
不 我绝不会做那种事 你疯了吗
No, I would never do that. Are you crazy?
国际自行车联盟日前做出史无前例的决定
In an unprecedented decision,
该决定将允许
The UCI has decided to allow
环法自行车赛继续举♥行♥
the Tour de France to continue
尽管目前仅剩五名自行车手
with only the five remaining cyclists,
这硕果仅存的五位成员 我称之为”五虎”
The final five, which I am dubbing The Fab 5.
你是从我这最先听到的 女士们先生们
You heard it here first, ladies and gentlemen,
这五位选手将永远以”五虎”的名字被大众铭记
These five riders will forever be known as The Fab 5.
请不要与”密歇根五虎”
Not to be confused with the Fab Five,
就是那个最终远比这五个人出名的
The Michigan basketball team who ultimately
密歇根篮球队搞混
became much more famous.
那是谁
Who’s that?
那是Chris Webber
That’s Chris Webber.
什么 – 另外那个五虎的成员之一
What? – From the wrong Fab Five.
这 妈的 谁 为什么 你干嘛把他带到这来
Well, fuck. Who… why did… why did you bring him here?
我不知道 有人搞砸了
I don’t know. Somebody fucked up.
那我们应该怎么处理这家伙
What are we supposed to do with this guy?
我不知道 咱就等到他上厕所的时候一起溜吧
I don’t know. Just wait till he goes to the bathroom, then we all leave.
现在 我们到了环法自行车赛 的第二赛段
Here we are, Stage 2, tour de France!
这段赛道全长250公里
It’s a 250 kilometer ride
穿过从巴塞尔到南锡的平原
through flat plains from Basel to Nancy.
现在是环法自行车赛第二天
Here we are, Tour de France, day two,
我正与选手们并肩骑行
and I’m riding right alongside the riders,
可以说是一手掌握 最权威的信息了
getting the scoop straight from the horse’s mouth, so to speak.
不出所料 JuJu目前保持领先
And to no one’s surprise, it’s JuJu in the lead.
Rex是个出色的骑手 他给我留下了深刻的印象
I was really impressed, what a great rider Rex was.
我是说 他一直在队伍前面
I mean, he was right there in the front of the pack
大多数时候拿着那个话筒
most of the time with that microphone.
他正与世界上最伟大的自行车手们并肩骑行
He was riding with the greatest cyclists in the world.
那个 这才第二天 你可不要作死
Well, it’s only day two. Don’t kill yourself.
还有三星期的比赛等着你呢
Got another three weeks to go.
我才不会作死呢
I’m-a no kill myself.
我绝不会 绝不会在自行车上死
I’m-a never die, not on a bicycle.
这是绝对的
That is a sure thing.
JuJu的确没有在那天去世
And JuJu didn’t die that day,
但正如各位所知道的 他最终还是死了
but he did eventually, as you know,
因为我们在一开始就告诉你们了
because we showed it to you at the beginning.