泰格 Tig

I don’t know if you realize, that song is 15 minutes long.
实在是 真的 太长了
Holy shit, that’s, like, so long.
这是自从Largo的演出之后的六个月以来
I’m performing for the first time, doing stand- up,
我第一次表演单口相声
in six months, since my Largo set.
六个月不登台演出 时间算长了
Six months is a long time to have not gotten on stage.
你愿意的话可以只做20分钟
If you wanna do 20 minutes, you’re welcome to.
如果你想做30分钟 也可以
If you wanna do 30, you can too. It really doesn’t matter.
如果我怯场离开 也可以吗
If I get scared and leave, that’s fine too?
当然 完全没问题
Yeah. You do two, that’s totally cool.
那我现在就离开怎么样
What about one? What if I leave now?
– 别 别现在就走 – 好
– Don’t leave now. – Okay.
我现在回去
I’m gonna go back and- –
– 然后我会介绍你 – 好的
– But I’ll introduce you. – Okay.
– 谢谢你 Tig – 谢谢
– Thanks, Tig. – Yep, thank you.
我感到紧张因为在我生命中
I was nervous ’cause nothing
没有什么能如此妙趣横生
in my life was funny or good for so long
而我也不觉得滑稽
and I didn’t feel hilarious,
但我就是觉得 “我必须做”
but I just was like, “I have to do this.”
门在哪儿…我从哪儿上台
Where’s the… How do I get on the stage?
有两扇门 从左边的上台
There’s two doors, it’s the one on the left.
– 是这扇门吗 – 是的
– It’s just this door? – Yeah.
– 然后我就上台了 – 对 没错
– And then I’m on stage? – Yeah. Yeah.
– 嗯 很简单 – 当然
– Oh. Easy. – Yeah.
请各位热烈欢迎今晚的表演者 Tig Notaro
Please welcome right now to the stage, Tig Notaro, everyone.
好 好 好
Good, good, good.
嗯…天呐 我不知道该说什么了
Um… Gosh, I don’t know what to say.
我有癌症
I had some cancer.
是的 我得过癌症
I did, I had some cancer.
呃 我…
Um… I, uh…
这么多年我写过很多
I’ve made a lot of jokes
关于我平胸的段子
over the years about how flat- chested I was.
得了乳腺癌后 我经常思考
And I had breast cancer, and I often think, you know,
“它们是不是偷听到了
“Did they overhear…
这些笑话”
all of the joking?”
然后说 “你知道吗 她并不欣赏我们”
And were just like, “You know what? She does not appreciate us.”
“你听见了吗 她又在评论我们了
“Do you hear her? She’s doing it again.
是的 我们在堪萨斯城 这会儿她正在告诉别人了
Yeah, now we’re in Kansas City and now she’s telling them.
我们飞过全国各地
We’ve been flying all over
而她对我们实在是太粗鲁了
this country and she’s just being so rough on us.
你知道吗 咱们离家出走吧”
You know what? Let’s get out of here.”
当我在一个俱乐部逗留的时候
I had to just go through the motions and…
我就要走这些过场 可是这让我觉得尴尬…
It was so embarrassing when I would stop into a club
还要在台上有所展现
and wanna get on stage,
在宣传完我的专辑后
and after all of the press of my album,
大家会这样介绍我
people would introduce me and say,
“朋友们我们今晚有特别的招待”
“Boy do we have a special treat for you tonight.”
而我就想说 “不 别 我没有表演材料”
And I was like, “No! No! I have no material,” You know.
“这里有最好的喜剧演员之一”
“One of the best comics out there.”
不 我没有
No. I don’t have- –
我只是想试着再次站在舞台上手里握着麦克风
I’m just trying to walk on stage again and hold a microphone.
哦 我的天
Oh, gosh.
女士们先生们 今晚我们
Ladies and gentlemen, here tonight,
又一次请到了Tig Notaro
once again we have, Tig Notaro is here.
我现在真的紧张
I’m really nervous right now.
我觉得 现在就可以结束了
I feel like I am going to, uh… just wrap up now.
谢谢你们 你们真的是很棒的观众
Thank you so much. You guys are such a great audience.
我在…纽约散步的时候
I was walking in, um… New York.
这是我在自己的时间里会做的事
I’ll work this out on my own time.
是我自己的时间 是我的时间
This is my own time. This is my time.
我现在火力全开
I’m on fire right now.
我在努力回到正轨
I’m trying to make things right.
你们看起来被癌症的梗逗得很乐
So… You guys seem to really laugh at the cancer stuff.
段子几乎讲完了
The material, it’s barely there.
所以我总是表现的 嗯…混乱
So I’m basically showing up and, uh… scrambling.
很尴尬
It’s embarrassing.
我上台前一周很纠结 我已很多年没这样了
I struggled a week ago on stage like I hadn’t in years.
而它就像是在我体内放了把火
And what it did do was put a fire under me,
因为我就是 “这些天我的状态
’cause I was like, “I’m horrible.
很糟糕 所以我要解决这个问题”的样子
I’m horrible at what I do these days, so I need to work on this.”
Tig回到Largo剧院的首演将在她的周年秀纪念日举♥行♥
离演出还有5个月
生殖 健康 妇科中心
Sam NaJmabadi 医学博士
不孕不育和生殖内分泌学
不顾肿瘤专家的警告 Tig决定试着注射一轮荷尔蒙
希望能通过她的卵子和代♥孕♥母亲来怀一个宝宝
患者的风险在于感染 大出血 药物反应
Patient risk of infection, hemorrhage, drug reaction,
麻醉反应 血管炎症
anesthesia reaction, blood vessel inflammation.
最底下签姓名缩写
And then initial at the bottom.
对其他器官的损伤 神经反应 和其他风险
Injury to other organs, neurological reaction, other risks.
这种感觉很奇怪好像是在读
It’s such a weird feeling to be reading something that’s like,
“当然 也包括死亡”
“This could happen, including death.”
朋友/导演
“好啊”
And you’re like, “Okay.”
没问题
不论后果
我们来了
我想要火葬
整理好你的意愿
别这样 Tig
Tig, stop it.
上面没这么说
It does not say that.
– 有多痛 – 还可以
– How painful is this? – Not too bad.
进来了
It’s in.
什么 我会反悔不做这个吗
What, am I gonna back out and not do this?
那我毕生会带着遗憾
I would live with regret.
要么悔过一生要么死亡
You either live with regret or you die.
你会选择什么 你会选择死亡
What are you gonna choose? You’re gonna choose death.
开始新的一天的有趣方式
Fun way to start your day.
继续
Keep going.
快点进去
Go in fast?
你可以的 不要太快…
You can do it. Not too fast but…
– 要进去多深 – 全部
– How far in? – All the way in.
喔 这感觉很不好
Oh, God, this is horrible.
我不知道自己能不能做到
I don’t know if I can do this.
全部进去 做得好
All the way in. There you go.
把所有药
Push.
都推进去
All the medication in.
有过那么几天情绪比较波动
Had some emotional days.
我在圣保罗的一家酒店里
I was in the hotel room in Saint Paul and, uh…
我渡过了自己最喜又最悲的瞬间
I had what I thought was the funniest, saddest moment,
因为我当时只身一人在酒店里
’cause I was alone in a hotel room in Saint Paul,
给自己腹部注射生育药物
injecting my stomach with fertility drugs.
在我脑袋里…
And in my brain…
出现一个声音 “你明白当你孤单一人时…”
this voice went, “You know you’re single when…”
我一个人在圣保罗给我自己
You know, there I was, alone in Saint Paul,
注射 希望有个孩子
injecting myself, hoping to have children.
想要建立一个家庭
Like, wanting to, like, build a family,
但是在荷尔蒙作祟下
but the hormones making me emotional
我却想从窗户外跳下去
to where I wanted to throw myself out of a window.
所以 这是个很有趣的循环
So, it was such a funny cycle that,
“上帝 如果我在试着
“God, what if I killed myself
有孩子的过程中自杀了怎么办”
in the process of trying to have a child?”
你做的很好
You’re doing awesome.
这意味着
What that means is,
你已经完成了八天的注射
basically you’ve done eight days of shots.
生育专家
你应该能产生16到20毫米的卵泡
You’re supposed to have 16 to 20 millimeter follicles
and you have 20, 20, 19, 17, 17, 17, 19, 19, 19.
而这是…30多岁的人会排出的卵泡
Now this is… what a 30- some- odd- year- old person does.
三十多少
Thirty what?
– 喔 你想知道三十几 – 对
– Oh, now you wanna know how of 30? – Okay.
好 就是大概35岁或者更年轻
Yeah, so, like, you know, 35 or younger.
– 这非常棒… – 太好了
– That’s really good. I mean… – Great.
显而易见
Just, apparently,
要么是你不确定你的出生日期
either you’re not sure about your date of birth,
要么是你的卵巢没有收到你有几岁的通知
or your ovaries didn’t get the memo.
星期三 我们就开始受精
On Wednesday, we do the procedure.
早上我们需要用到精♥子♥ 然后就这样了
We need sperm that morning, and then that’s it.