泰格 Tig

2013年8月3日
我必须得…
Oh, I have to…
天哪 我没法集中精力 嘿 Michael
God, I can’t focus. Oh, Michael.
– 啊哈 怎么啦 – 给你
– Yes, hi. – Here it is.
– 就这些了吗 – 是的
– Is this all it? – Yeah.
– 好的 我要把这个贴到高脚椅上 – 谢谢
– Okay, I’m gonna tape this to the stool. – Thank you.
你们好啊 Sarah和Zach 谢谢你们的到来
Hi, Sarah and Zach. Thanks for coming.
抱歉 感谢你能来捧场
Sorry. Thanks for coming.
为什么每个人对我那么都不友善呢
Why won’t anyone be nice to me?
– 因为想对你友善太难了 Tig – 好吧
– It’s hard being Tig. – Mmm.
– 嗨 Tig – 嗨 Zach
– Hi, Tig. – Hi, Zach.
我实在是装不下去了 哈哈
I can’t do it for much longer.
– 嘿 Tig 周年秀快乐啊 – 谢谢啊
– Hey, Tig, happy anniversary. – Thank you.
你想让我表演多长时间
How much time do you want me to do?
你想表演多久
What would you like to do?
– 一分钟都不表演 – 好吧 完美
– Zero. – Okay. Perfect.
– 你能表演个15分钟吗 – 我试试吧 我准备了紧凑的五分钟
– Can you do 15? – I’ll try. I have a tight five.
好的
Okay.
15分钟呢
Fifteen.
– 你要表演多长时间 Tig – 很可能45分钟吧
– How much are you gonna do, Tig? – Probably 45.
– 真的吗 – 是的
– Oh, you are? – Yeah.
哦 好
Oh, okay.
什么? 多长时间?
Uh, what?
– 是的 你没听错 – 等会儿你主持吗
– I know. – You’re gonna host?
应该不吧 我等会想先上场
No, I think I’m gonna go first.
– 可以 – 好
– Yeah. – Good.
– 你结束之后Sarah上场 然后就是我 – 非常好
– And then Sarah, and then me. – Lovely.
你是想上场前来个介绍还是直接上场呢
Do you want an introduction at the top, or do you wanna walk out?
– 我应该… – Louis C.K.就是直接上场的
– I should… – Louis C.K. Just walks out.
– 那Louis干什么你就应该跟着干什么 – 他昨晚就是这么干的
– You should do what Louis does. – And he did last night.
去他妈的Louis (Fuck后两个字母是Louis的名字缩写)
万一表演很烂怎么办
What if this show is a bomb?
哦天哪 不会的 肯定没事的
Oh, my God, it’s not gonna happen.
喜剧表演永远都是有风险的
Comedy is always a risk.
但是 一年前的今天
But, a year ago today,
我当时就在那边 等着Ed报幕请我上台
when I was waiting over there for Ed to announce me,
我当时想的就是
I was just, like,
“完全不知道这场表演会是什么样 真的完全不知道”
“No idea how this is gonna go. No idea how this is gonna go.”
大家晚上好啊
Good evening, hello.
我患了癌症 你们好吗
I have cancer, how are you?
我就那样上了台 根本不知道自己能不能活下去
I came on stage not knowing if I was gonna live or die.
而且那个时候我的生活分崩离析得太快
And because my life had fallen apart so quickly,
我基本上就是 自然而然地觉得自己撑不下去
I kind of assumed I was gonna die.
我当时正跟我的一个朋友聊天
I was talking to a friend of mine, and she said,
她说 “我有一天熬夜看戴安娜王妃的葬礼”
“Yeah, I stayed up late watching the Princess Diana funeral.”
“但是过了一会儿之后
She said, “But after a while it was just
整个片子就变成了一辆灵车后面背着个棺材在街上跑”
the car going down the road with a casket in back.”
她说 “实在太无聊了 我就不看了”
She said, “I got so bored, I ended up turning it off.”
她问我 “你看了吗” 我说 “看了啊”
She said, “Did you see it?” And I said, “Yeah.”
然后她问我 “那 最后结局是什么啊?”
And she said, “Well, what ended up happening?”
高中的时候吧…
In high school, I was, um…
我被投票选为最不受喜爱的人
I was voted least likely.
从那个时候开始 我就一直背上这个标签
I’ve been runnin’ with it ever since.
我讨厌学校
I hated school.
我挂了三科 后来就辍学了
I failed three grades and then dropped out.
但我对现在事情的走向感到很开心
I’m pretty psyched about how things are going.
但是我的确拿到了GED(高中同等学历)
But I did get my GED.
从来没有人想要看看我的GED证书
Not only has nobody ever asked to see my GED,
但我的猫吃了它
but my cat ate it.
我最后念到了七年级
The last grade I graduated was seventh grade.
所以我只有七年级的文化程度
I have a seventh grade education.
谢谢大家
Thank you.
我曾经挣扎于其他的职业
I struggled in other jobs
特别痛苦 而且那些工作我一个都干不好
and been miserable and failed at ’em all.
而当我遇到单口相声的时候
Stand-up was that thing that when I found it,
我当时想 “天哪 我生来就是个喜剧人
I was like, “Oh! I’m a comedian.
为什么没有人告诉我这一点”
Why didn’t anyone tell me?”
对于人们来说 听懂我的名字从来不是易事
People always have a hard time understanding my name,
尤其是打电♥话♥的时候
especially over the phone.
有一次我跟一个男的打电♥话♥ 我们就要挂电♥话♥了
I was on this call with this guy, and we were gonna hang up
他说 “好吧 那个
and he’s like, “All right, well, look.
我不是很愿意这么叫你
I don’t feel real comfortable callin’ you this,
但Pig 咱俩晚上见喽”
but I guess I’ll see you tonight, pig.”
然后我说 “说实话
I was like, “Well, you know, to tell you the truth,
其实你叫我Pig我也不大愿意”
I don’t feel real comfortable with you calling me pig either.”
一开始的时候你根本不受重视
You’re treated like nothing in the early days,
而且还挣不到钱
and you’re making no money.
在表演期间我就睡在我的车上
You know, I would camp in my car in-between gigs.
当时我从来没有感觉到那么开心和自我满足过
I had never been so happy and fulfilled in my life.
其中一件我最喜欢的关于表演单口相声的事就是
One of my favorite things about doing stand-up
表演者们愿意把麦克风从架子上拿下来
is when comedians take the mic out of the mic stand,
然后把架子移到舞台外面
then move the mic stand out of the way.
有的人甚至还把它移到更远的地方
Some comedians move it even further.
心里想 “你往哪去呢”
It’s like, “Where are you headed?”
“这个架子到底要往哪去呢 我必须得把这个架子移出舞台”
“Where does this go? Got to get this out of the way.”
你是这的工作人员吗
Do you work here?
你能拿着这个架子吗
Can you hold this?
当一场表演进行得特别好的时候
When a show is going well,
就好像是 世界上最棒的东西了 那就是生命的巅峰
it’s just, kind of, the ultimate. It’s the peak.
那种感觉特别迅猛
It’s such a rush.
整个房♥间的人都是那种 “啊 我懂你的意思”
It’s a room full of, “Oh, I get you.”
他们懂了我 我也懂了他们 然后每个人都懂了彼此
They get me, I get them, and they get the person next to them.
每个人都表现出 “哈 我们听懂啦”的样子
Everyone is like, “Yeah, we get it.”
我们的下一位嘉宾是一名单口相声演员
My next guest is a comedian
她是播客节目”Blastoff教授”的主持人
who hosts the podcast Professor Blastoff.
你每个月都可以在洛杉矶的Largo剧院观看到她的演出
You can catch her every month at the Largo theater here in L.A.
她刚刚发行了她的首张专辑 说得妙
She just released her debut album, Good One.
请欢迎我们的喜剧巨星 Tig Notaro
Please welcome the very funny Tig Notaro.
女士们先生们 Tig Notaro!
Tig Notaro, everybody!
嗨
Hi.
最近过得怎么样 很好
Uh, how’s it going? Good.
我就住在洛杉矶
I live here in Los Angeles,
有一天我沿着人行道在社区里面走
and I was walking through my neighborhood down the sidewalk,
然后碰到了这么一个男的
and I was passing this guy,
就当我们要擦肩而过的时候
and right when we were passing each other,
就在那一刹那 他跟我说
right when we were passing each other, he said to me,
“哈 平胸妹
“Ah, them little titties.
我刚刚都把你当成个男的了”
I thought you was a man.”
我心里就想 “没关系啊
It’s like, “Okay.
如果你那么想的话 如果你是自己心里嘀咕也没关系”
Okay, if you think that. And okay if you say that, to yourself.”
刚才那个想法必须得
But that thought had to go
经过他大脑的好几层过滤
through several layers of filters in his mind,
最后还有个”绝对不能说的话”的清单
and a checklist,
然而他还是决定说出来
and he still decided,
“是的 我必须得把这话说出来”
“Yeah, I’m gonna need to say this.”
在某种程度上说 我的职业生涯一直是在稳步前进的
My career has always been just, kind of, going steadily up.
2012年早期的时候 我感受到了前所未有的忙碌
In early 2012, I was busier than I’d ever been.
我当时在全国进行巡演
I was touring all over the country,
我还在录我每周一次的播客节目”Blastoff教授”
I was doing my weekly podcast, Professor Blastoff.
我当时在Largo剧院还有日常演出
I was doing a regular show at Largo.
我还参演了一个很激动人心的试播剧
I was in a pilot, and something that was very exciting,
我甚至还在尝试人工受孕
I was gonna try and get pregnant.
那段时间我在本地工作的比在外地多
I was working more in town than out of town, and that’s…
而待在本地也是
That crucial element to having a child and a family
要孩子和成家的关键要素
is that you have to be home.
所以这个想法比以往任何时候都更接近现实
And that was starting to look way more possible than ever.
– 现场收音 – 打板
– Sound speeding. – A only mark.
从Tig入场开始
And from Tig’s entrance.
开拍!
Action.
你看到我的解压球了吗
Have you seen my stress ball?
天哪
God!