喜剧之王

我现在抓住了你
I have you right now.
有了你 我就有可能找到兰福
Having you, I have a shot at Langford.
不过你还没有见到杰瑞
But you don’t have Jerry.
我知道
I understand that.
我会尽快的
I’m doing this as fast as I can.
好的 玛莎
Good, masha.
好
Yeah?
好
Good.
你没事吧
You all right?
我很好
I’m fine.
我知道的
I know you are.
好吧 去吧
All right. Come on.
走
Let’s go.
还有件事
Oh, one more thing.
我不能跟你进去
I can’t walk in here with you.
如果你在这等
If you just wait here
让我自己进去
And let me walk in by myself.
如果你敢乱动 我打断你的狗腿
I’ll break your ankles if you make a wrong move.
好的 我保证 行吗
O.K., I promise, O.K.?
还有保证你不认得我
Make believe you don’t know me, too.
走
Go ahead.
好的
O.K. Here you go.
杰瑞 你看起来有点
Jerry, you seem a little bit…
杰瑞 杰瑞 等等
Jerry! Jerry, wait!
杰瑞 杰瑞
Jerry! Jerry!
杰瑞 回来
Jerry, come back here!
杰瑞
Jerry!
老天
Oh, god.
你想怎样
What do you want now?
你在干嘛
What are you doing?
我正在看那个 就要完了
I’m watching that. It’s almost over.
很快 很快
Just a minute. Just a minute.
今天的嘉宾主持是 托尼·兰德尔
With guest host… Tony Randall
和他的特邀嘉宾谢利·温特斯
And his special guests Shelley Winters…
怎么回事
What’s going on here?
你认识他
Do you know him?
很不幸是的
Unfortunately, yes.
坐好了 放松
Well, just sit tight. Relax.
一切都会好的
Everything will be O.K.
我的第一位嘉宾
My first guest,
你会们同意我的
You’ll agree with me that
他注定会是最伟大的
He’s destined for greatness!
在某些方面
In one way or another.
让我们用最热烈的掌声欢迎
So will you please give your warmest greetings
新的喜剧之王
To the newest king of comedy…
鲁朴·普金
Rupert Pupkin!
晚上好 女士们先生们
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
让我来介绍我自己
Let me introduce myself.
我叫鲁朴·普金
My name is Rupert Pupkin.
我出生于新泽西州的克里夫顿
I was born in Clifton, New Jersey,
那时候还不算是犯罪
which was not at that time a federal offense.
这里有人是从克里夫顿来的吗
Is there anyone here from Clifton?
好极了 我们都可以松口气了
Oh, good. We can all relax now.
我想这么开始
I’d like to begin by saying
我小时候父母以前太穷了 以致几乎养不起我
My parents were too poor to afford me a childhood.
不过事实是
But the fact is that
在克里夫顿 没有人被允许太穷
No one is allowed to be too poor in clifton.
一旦你低于某个水平
Once you fall below a certain level,
他们会把你流放到帕塞伊克去
They exile you to passaic.
我父母确实
My parents did put
给我的童年付了前两期首期
The first two down payments on my childhood.
不过别误解 他们也同时
Don’t get me wrong, but they did also…
把我做为次品给退回医院去
Return me to the hospital as defective.
不过 和每个人一样
But, like everyone else,
感谢我妈妈 我长大了
I grew up in large part thanks to my mother.
如果她今天还在这里
If she were only here today,
我得说 “妈 你在这干嘛
I’d say, “Hey, ma, what are you doing here?
你已经死了九年了”
You’ve been dead for nine years!”
不过 说真的 你们该见见我妈妈
But seriously, you should’ve seen my mother.
她人非常好
She was wonderful.
金发 漂亮 聪明 酗酒
Blonde, beautiful, intelligent, alcoholic.
我们常习惯下课后一起喝牛奶
We used to drink milk together after school.
我的是均脂牛奶 她的是全脂的
Mine was homogenized. Hers was loaded.
有次她被抓住超速
Once they picked her up for speeding.
是50英里每小时
They clocked her doing 50.
不过是在车♥库♥里
All right, but in our garage?
当她做酒驾测试时
And when they tested her,
他们发现她的酒精里的血液含量是百分之二
they found out that her alcohol had 2% blood.
不过我们常常互相调笑 母亲和我
Ah, but we used to joke together, mom and me,
直到眼泪淌落她的面孔
until the tears would stroll down her face
然后她会呕吐
and she would throw up!
是的 谁去擦干净呢
Yeah, and who would clean it up?
肯定不是爸爸 他正在老格雷酒吧忙着呢
Not dad. He was too busy down at O’Grady’s.
自己也在吐呢
Throwing up on his own.
是的
Yeah.
事实上 16岁前
In fact, until I was 16,
我以为呕吐是成熟的标志
I thought throwing up was a sign of maturity.
当其他孩子
While the other kids
正在树林边偷偷抽烟时
were off in the woods sneaking cigarettes,
我正躲在房♥子后面
I was hiding behind the house
用我的手指插入喉咙
With my fingers down my throat.
问题是我从来没有突破
The only problem was I never got anywhere,
直到一天我父亲抓住了我
until one day my father caught me.
就在他刚要
Just as he was giving me
给我肚子狠狠一脚的时候
a final kick in the stomach for luck,
我成功地宣泄在了他的新鞋子上
I managed to heave all over his new shoes!
“行了” 我想
“That’s it,” I thought.
“我终于长大成人了”
“I’ve made it. I’m finally a man!”
不过后来事实证明 我错了
But as it turned out, I was wrong.
那是我父亲唯一一次注意到我
That was the only attention my father ever gave me.
是的 他通常都忙于
Yeah, he was usually too busy
在公园里和我妹妹罗斯玩球
out in the park playing ball with my sister Rose.
不过今天 我必须说
But today, I must say,
感谢那么多个小时的练习
Thanks to those many hours of practice,
我妹妹罗斯成为了一位绅士
my sister Rose has grown into a fine man.
我 我对运动并不特别感兴趣
Me, I wasn’t especially interested in athletics.
唯一的经验是
The only exercise I ever got
当其他小孩逗我玩的时候
was when the other kids picked on me.
是的 他们习惯每星期抽我一次
Yeah, they used to beat me up once a week,
常常是星期二
usually Tuesday.
过了阵子
And after a while,
学校把那列入课程表了
the school worked it into the curriculum.
如果你把我打趴 你得到额外的学分
And if you knocked me out, you got extra credit.
曾经有个小孩 可怜的小孩
There was this one kid, poor kid,
他非常怕我
He was afraid of me.
我常告诉他
I used to tell him,
“抽我 抽我 你怎么回事情
“hit me, hit me. What’s the matter with you?
你不想毕业吗”
Don’t you want to graduate?”
我是学校有史以来
Hey, I was the youngest kid
最年轻的小孩
in the history of the school
靠做牵引治疗毕业的
to graduate in traction.
不过 你知道 我唯一真正的爱好
But, you know, my only real interest,
是演艺圈
Right from the beginning, was show business.
当我还是小男孩起 我已经是
Even as a young man, I began at the very top…
收集签名的高手了
Collecting autographs.
现在 你们很多人也许在想
Now, a lot of you are probably wondering
为何杰瑞今晚还没出现
why Jerry isn’t with us tonight.
好吧 让我告诉你们
Well, I’ll tell you.
他现在正被绑着
The fact is he’s tied up.
我就是绑他的那人
I’m the one who tied him.