护工故事（2016）

还是你只是在
or you got it serviced at
它该需要修理的时候修了车
the normal time it was supposed to be serviced?
我要每隔三小时收到短♥信♥或者电♥话♥
I want a text or a phone call every three hours.
喂 你知道他什么时候修的车吗
Hey, do you know when he got the van serviced?
-我们别说这个了 -好吧
– Let’s call this off. – Okay.
他需要这个过程
He needs this.
-你需要这样吗 -我不需要
– Do you need this? – I don’t need this.
他说他不需要
He says he doesn’t need this.
艾尔莎 我不会让你儿子出任何事的
Elsa, I won’t let anything happen to your son.
我爱你
I love you.
“他死于寻找世界最深之坑的途中”
“He died trying to see the
这真是最搞笑的墓志铭了
world’s deepest pit” Is a really bad obituary.
不然还是什么
Or is it?
来
Okay.
-你在干嘛 -没事的
– What are you doing? – It’s all right.
没事的 这里 我扶着你 我扶着你 你瞧
It’s all right. Here. I got you. I got you. I got you. Look.
这个旅途都是为了实现梦想 朋友
The road is all about living the dream, my friend.
你在说什么
What are you talking about?
你要干嘛
What are you doing? What are you doing?
你现在要站着尿尿
You are gonna pee standing up.
不不不 老实说 这不可能办得到 你在搞笑
No, no, no. Honestly, it’s not gonna work. It’s a mistake.
-可以的好吗 -不不不
– It’s gonna work. All right? – No, no, no.
放心 我扶着你
It’s fine. I got you.
-等我一下 -我扶着你 嘘
– Give me a sec. – I’ve got you. Shh.
嘘 嘘
Shh. Shh.
没关系 噢 先停一下 先停一下
It is okay… Oh! Stop for a second. Stop for a second.
-我停不下来 -稳住你的丁丁
– I can’t stop. – Grab your penis!
-我正在弄 我抓住丁丁了 -你就是这么抓的吗
– I am! I’ve got my penis! – That’s holding your penis?
-我们该庆祝一下 -庆祝什么
– Time for a little celebration. – What are we celebrating?
庆祝你第一次离家这么远
This is the farthest you’ve ever been from home.
你是不是傻 我曾经可是住在英国
What are you talking about? I lived in England.
你知道我什么意思
You know what I mean.
-你吃过牛肉♥棒♥吗 -你觉得呢
– You ever had a Slim Jim? – What do you think?
-是时候尝试一下了 -不可能 不
– I think it’s time. – Not happening. No.
我们有够多的第一次要尝试了
We have enough newness going on here.
兄弟 你是不是 你刚是不是做了个手势引号♥[常表反义和讽刺]
Dude, were you…? Were you just doing air quotes?
千万别再做这个手势了 相信我
Don’t… Don’t ever do that again. Trust me.
试试吧 这才是自驾游的乐趣
Come on. This is what road trips are all about.
不
No.
真的好吃
It’s really good.
简直是肉条中的极品
That’s a hell of a meat stick.
噢
Oh.
试试吗 试试
Try it? Just try it?
来 咬一口牛肉♥棒♥ 咬一口牛肉♥棒♥
Come on, have a bite of the Jim. Bite the Jim.
一小口牛肉♥棒♥
Nibble on the Jim.
咬一口詹姆斯[学英国人说Jim]
Bite of the James? Hm?
英国人就是这么说话的对吗
Isn’t that what they say in your country?
咬一口詹姆斯 可以吗
A little bite of the James, shall we?
咬一口詹姆斯
Little bite of James!
继续 咬一口詹姆斯
Go on! Have a bite of James!
让我看看 这里有没有啥是我真的可以吃的
Let me see if there’s any food in there I can actually eat.
真♥他♥妈♥帅的帆布鞋
Cool fucking sneakers.
商场
Mall.
商场
Mall.
那到底是什么意思 商场
What does that even mean? Mall?
就是你可以买♥♥到这鞋的地方
It means that’s where you get them from.
我知道 但是你并不是从商场买♥♥的 你是在网上买♥♥的
No, I know, but you didn’t get them there. You got them online.
别人可以去商场买♥♥啊
It’s where one would get them.
但是 你并没有这么说
Although, you didn’t say that.
我的意思是 你并没有说 噢 我是在商场买♥♥的
I mean, you didn’t say, “Oh, you know, I got them at the mall.”
你只说了 商场
You just said, “Mall.”
就一个词 一个音节
Just one word. One syllable.
嗯 我认为这样可以切中要点
Well, I thought it was good to get straight to the point.
严格来说 那是你对一个女孩可以说的最短的词
Technically, that’s the least amount that you could say to a girl
并且还能算上是一段对话
and still have it qualify as a conversation.
你知道吗 我没说对
You know what? I’m wrong.
我没说对 还有更短的词 妈
I’m wrong. There is something shorter. “Ma.”
你很了解女人吗 你老婆可是想要跟你离婚的
What do you know about girls? Your wife is trying to divorce you.
-“帅呆的帆布鞋”“妈” -我是个坐轮椅的人 好吗
– “Cool sneakers.” “Ma.” – I’m in a fucking wheelchair, okay?
我还可以直接甩出莎士比亚的话
I could spew Shakespeare shit
但如果说这些 她那样的姑娘是不会对我感兴趣的
and a girl like that’s not gonna be interested in me.
-妈 -滚 你就是一个给人擦屁♥股♥的混♥蛋♥大叔
– Ma. – Fuck you, you’re a 45-year-old ass-wiper.
妈
Ma.
-我觉得我可以尝一根这个 -真的吗
– I think I’m gonna give one of these a go. – Yeah?
-嗯 -很好
– Yeah. – Good.
你瞧 我就知道出来旅游对你有好处
See, I knew the open road would be good for you.
觉得怎么样 好吃吧
What do you think? It’s good, right?
把戏不错
Nice try.
演的真好 真有趣
That’s really good. That’s really funny.
你能别闹了吗 我在开车
Would you quit screwing around? I’m driving.
噢 该死
Oh, shit.
噢 该死
Oh, shit.
加油 加油
Come on. Come on.
该死的 噢 你混♥蛋♥
Goddamn it! Oh, you fucker!
再骗我一次试试 你♥他♥妈♥都快把我吓出屎了
Don’t ever do that again! You scared the shit out of me!
-我就是开玩笑 -天哪
– I’m just kidding. – Jesus Christ!
你知道吗 还真挺好吃的
You know, these are actually not that bad.
-咬一口詹姆斯 -滚蛋
– Bite of the James? – Fuck you.
哇哦 快看 老兄
Whoa. Check it out, man.
哞
Moo!
嘿 我们是来看鲁弗斯的 那头世界上最大的牛
Hey, we’re here to see Rufus, the world’s biggest bovine.
好的 每个人收费四美元 然后你们接下来要
Okay, that’s gonna be $4 apiece, and what you’re gonna do is…
噢 我很抱歉 我们把鲁弗斯放在了二楼
Oh, I’m, uh… I’m sorry. We keep, uh, Rufus on the second floor.
-噢 你们没有无障碍通道吗 -没有 不好意思
– Oh, you don’t have handicap access? – No. Sorry about that.
没关系 真的
It’s not a problem. Seriously.
什么 不 这当然有关系 这关系大了
What? No. It is a problem. It’s a huge problem.
没关系 你现在可以上楼
No, you can go up and
看一眼然后回来告诉我
take a look at it and then tell me about it.
不
No!
你现在触犯了律法
You’re in violation of codes.
这样吧 不如你和你儿子
Look, why don’t you and your
就从我们店里挑点纪念品就完事儿了嘛
son just pick out something from our gift shop.
我不认为你意识到了现在这件事的严重性
I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation here.
等等 你以为我们是父子
Wait a sec. You think we’re father and son?
我们是来看那头巨牛的 我们一定要看到那头巨牛
We came to see a giant cow. We’re going to see a giant cow.
那我们不一样的口音怎么解释
I mean, what about the different accents?
你不会觉得奇怪吗
Does that not bother you?
-你瞧 这有张明信片 -明信片
– Look. Here’s a postcard. – Postcard?
你认为一张明信片就能解决了
You think that’s gonna solve this?
你脑子被含铅涂料毒坏了吗
What, are you working with lead-based paint?
嘿 你搞什么 那句话是我说的
Hey, what the fuck? That’s mine.
瞧 那不过就是只普通的牛 只不过稍微大点
Look, it’s just like a regular cow but bigger.
但是我们想看它 那接下来就是你的问题了
And we wanna see it. And that’s your problem.
因为你才是那个
Because you’re the one that
搞了巨牛秀这档子事儿 不是我
went into the giant cow-showing profession, not me.
所以 是你需要
So, it’s you that’s gonna
想办法让我们看到那头巨牛
figure out how we’re gonna see a giant fucking cow,
不然我就要给当地报社打电♥话♥
or else I’m gonna call the local news,
然后我会让他们派一个人过来
and I’m gonna have them send down the guy
曝光你们做出的这可耻的事情
that does that “Shame on You” Business-buster thing,
然后他会带着很多的
and he’s gonna come down
摄像机过来 非常多的摄像机
with multiple cameras… Multiple cameras.
然后问你为什么残疾人
and ask you why you think
不能像其他正常人一样参观巨牛
it’s okay that somebody with disabilities
对你来说是可以接受的
isn’t allowed to see a giant cow like everyone else.
你在拨什么号♥码
What number are you even dialing right now?
闭嘴
Shut up.
通了 我会说什么呢
It’s ringing. What’s it gonna be?
左边 小心点 小心
– Left! And careful, careful,
-小心 -太多了 太多了
careful. – Not that much! Not that much!