旅程终点

You flatter me, but you’re just patronizing.
我只是觉得 如果我只扫上一眼
I just think that to look across the room…
就默认人家没什么见识
and to automatically assume that somebody is less aware…
或者人家的内在 不如我丰富 复杂 嗅觉敏锐
or that their interior life is somehow less rich and complicated…
-我就不会是这么个好作家 -为什么
-and acutely perceived as mine, makes me not as good a writer. -Why?
因为那就意味着 我是在向一群面目模糊的人作秀
Because it means I’m gonna be performing for some faceless audience…
而不是真正跟一个人有所交流
instead of trying to have a conversation with a person.
如果你认为这叫惺惺作态…
If you think that’s faux…
随便吧 你爱怎么想怎么想
You know what? You think whatever you want.
反正我是真的不想让自己变成某种样子
I got a real, serious fear of being a certain way.
我有一套坚定的信念告诉我自己
And a set, I think, of real convictions
为什么要继续坚持这样做
about why I’m continuing to do this.
为什么这是值得的
Why it’s worthwhile.
为什么这不只是用来让人投怀送抱的手段
Why it’s not just an exercise in getting my dick sucked.
好吧
Okay.
-你这策略太机智了 -策略 什么策略
-This is such a clever tactic on your part. -Tactic? What tactic?
没错 惹我生气 让我放下戒备
That’s right. Get me a little pissed off, get me a little less guarded…
我就会展露更多自我 是的 是真的
I’m gonna reveal more. Yes, it’s true.
-我珍惜我普通人的一面 -呵呵
-I treasure my regular guyness. -Mm-hmm.
我逐渐相信或许这是我 作为一个作家最大的财富
I’ve come to think that maybe it’s my biggest asset as a writer.
意即是说我基本上就跟其他人完全一样
That I’m basically just like everybody else.
知道么 我没在对你惺惺作态
You know what? I’m not doing any kind of faux thing with you.
我也不会再重申这一点了
And I’m not gonna say it again.
好吧 不过提到惺惺作态
Okay. But that faux thing?
你刚才说的那些 正是一种惺惺作态
What you just said is an example of the faux thing.
你不愿意冒险展现出完整的自我
You’re not willing to risk giving the full you.
我不知道你这人到底算不算和善
I don’t know if you’re a very nice man or not.
很明显我说的话你一个字儿都不信
It’s very clear you don’t believe a word that I’ve said.
你所有那些抗辩 就是”我只是个普通人”的那一套
All your protesting? You know… I’m just a regular guy?
你不会平白去啃一本长达千页的书
You don’t crack open a thousand-page book…
只因为听说作者是个普通人
because you heard the author is a regular guy.
你会去啃 是因为他超凡绝伦 因为你希望他超凡绝伦
You do it because he’s brilliant, because you want him to be brilliant.
所以 你到底他妈在糊弄谁
So, who the fuck are you kidding?
我不剩什么脑细胞 能和你玩任何惺惺作态的游戏了
I don’t have the brain cells left to play any kind of faux games with you.
-呵呵 没问题 -嗯
Mm-hmm. It’s fine. Yeah.
-嗯 没问题
-Yeah, it’s fine.
你在想什么
What are you thinking?
-巡回宣传结束了 -是啊 刚意识到这点吗
Tour’s over. Yeah. That just hit you.
是啊 现在我必须得开始感受这一切了
Yeah. I’m gonna have to kinda feel all of this now,
而不只是当作梦游度过
instead of just sleepwalk through it.
你说梦游是什么意思
What do you mean sleepwalking?
过去三周里 我有点像是 拔去了自己的插头
I’ve sort of unplugged myself the past three weeks.
认识一大堆陌生人 被要求去做一些事情
Meeting a whole lot of new people and having to do stuff,
使你始终处于一种浅浅的焦虑状态
you’re in this constant low-level state of anxiety.
从屁♥股♥眼里蹿升上来的 这种深切的生存之惧
This deep existential fear you feel all the way down in your butt hole.
你怕的是什么 我是说…
What are you afraid of? I mean…
最坏的可能是什么
What’s the worst that could possibly happen?
最坏的 就是我真的会喜欢上这个 那就是最坏的
The worst? That I really get to like it. That’s the worst.
-他人的关注 -对
The attention? Yeah.
那有什么问题
What would be so wrong with that?
变成那种恶心的人…像是…
Become one of these hideous, like…
“啊 又一个出版聚会 嘿 戴夫在那儿
“Yet another publication party. Hey, there’s Dave.
在照片后头探出脑袋呢”
Stickin’ his head in the back of the photo.”
-宁可去死 -为什么
-Rather be dead. -Why?
我不想落得那种形象 你会乐意
I don’t wanna be seen that way. Why, would you?
如果你是从谈论你的作品 而非真正撰写你的作品中
Well, if you’re deriving your satisfaction from talking about your work…
汲取满足感的话 那么 是的
instead of actually writing, then yeah.
我想你确实就不会有什么成就了
I mean, I guess you’d get a lot less done.
一点没错 没有什么比到处嚷嚷
Exactly. There’s nothing more grotesque
“我是个作家 我是个作家
than somebody going around saying,
我是个作家” 更怪诞可笑的了
“I’m a writer. I’m a writer. I’m a writer.”
我不介意出现在《滚石》上面
I don’t mind appearing in Rolling Stone.
我不想作为一个渴望出现在《滚石》上的人
I don’t want to appear in Rolling Stone…
出现在《滚石》上面
as somebody who wants to be in Rolling Stone.
如果若干年后 你看到我出现在什么游戏节目上面
If you see me on a game show in the next couple of years,
我对天发誓…
I swear to God…
我写了整整一本书来讲 有鉴于我们现下的文化氛围
To have written a book about how seductive image is,
影像是多么有魅惑力 我们是多么容易
how easy it is to get seduced off of any meaningful path…
被拐离有意义的人生…
because of the way our culture is now…
假若我自己偏偏也成为这么个仿例呢
What if I become a parody of that very thing?
明天 你开车离去
You know, tomorrow, you drive away.
乘上飞机 这桩事就结束了
And you get on a plane, and this whole thing is over.
我回到只跟20个人交际的状态
I go back to knowing, like, 20 people.
我必须得从这些关注中抽离出来
I’m gonna have to decompress from all this attention,
因为那些关注就像是…
because it’s like gettin’…
给你的大脑皮层来了针海♥洛♥因♥
It’s like gettin’ heroin injected into your cortex.
我真正需要勇气的地方
And where I’m gonna need real balls, is to…
是得静♥坐♥在那里 承受住这种抽离
sit and go through that.
并且努力提醒自己什么才是现实…
And try to remind myself of what the reality is…
现实就是 我34岁 独自呆在房♥间里
That I’m 34 years old and I’m alone in a room
面对着一张纸头
with a piece of paper.
嘿 你在这儿哪
Hey. Here ya go.
我发誓 我不会再离开你了
I’ll never leave you again. I swear.
好啦 粑粑检查
All right. Shit check.
看看你干了啥
Look what you did.
看看你干了啥
Look what you did.
稍稍清理下便便 看起来我们用不着这个了是吧
A little excremental work. Looks like we won’t need this anymore, huh?
没关系 哪怕最杰出的人也会这样 是吧 小家伙
It’s all right. It happens to the best of us. Huh, boy?
从不叫人失望
Never fails.
他们会一直等到狗保姆离开之后 再上大号♥
They wait to do their thing until after the dog sitter leaves.
确保让你们《滚石》的读者也知道这些
Make sure your Rolling Stone readers hear about that.
嘿 我明天要走了
Hey, so I’m-I’m leaving tomorrow and, uh…
不得不问下那个传闻
I gotta ask you about this rumor.
-是那个海♥洛♥因♥的事儿 -对
Is this the heroin thing? Yeah.
-又是那个海♥洛♥因♥的事儿 -是的
This is the heroin thing again? Yeah.
那不是真的 为什么你们就是不信呢
It isn’t true. What is so hard for you to believe?
原因就在于你的书里…
The reason it is so hard to believe is because there is so much…
有那么多关于毒品和成瘾的文字
about drugs and addiction in the book.
并不意味着那是基于本人经历的
That doesn’t mean that it’s autobiographical.
书里的东西是种比喻 为什…
The book stuff is meant to be a metaphor. What is…
你就是他妈一个字都不信我 是吧
You don’t believe a fuckin’ word that I’ve said, do you?
我没这么说过
I didn’t say that.
我不是…我从来都不是海♥洛♥因♥成瘾者
I was not… I never was a heroin addict.
我听到的小道是说 80年代末你在哈佛期间
Okay. The rumor I heard was that in the late ’80s, when you were at Harvard,
用过毒品 并且一度精神崩
you got involved with drugs, and you had some kind of breakdown.
我不知道那算…
I don’t know if…
我不知道那算不算精神崩溃
I don’t know if I had a breakdown.
我那会儿非常 非常的抑郁
I got very, very depressed.
这我告诉过你的 那跟毒品完全无关
I told you that. It had nothing to do with drugs.
我大部分的人生是在图书馆里度过的
I have spent most of my life in libraries.
我从未陷入过那种危险的生活方式
I never lived that dangerous kind of life.
并且我绝不会把针头捅入我的胳…
And I would never stick a needle into my arm…
好吧 那你认为这个传闻是怎么兴起的
Okay, so how do you think that rumor got started?
我不知…
I have no ide…
-我不知道 -好了 好了 冷静
-I have no idea. -All right. All right. Calm down.
而且我告诉你
And I’m telling you,
如果你是打算从这种角度来写这篇文章的话
if you were to structure this as some sort of like,
什么”然而后来他陷入了可怕的瘾念的漩涡”
“and then he spiraled into terrible addiction” sort of thing,
那将是不准确的
it would be inaccurate.
更偏近于 我越来越不开心
It was much more that I got more and more unhappy.
而我越不开心 就喝越多的酒
The more unhappy I got, the more I would drink.
那样喝法毫无乐趣 我只是麻痹自己
There was no joy in that drinking. I used it for anesthesia.
-行了吧 -行了 你喝起来是什么样
Okay? Okay. What kind of drinker were you?
一头栽倒型
Were you a kind of falling-down drinker?
还是一觉醒在马路边
Were you a “waking up in the curb” drinker?
-不 我不是那样的好么 -好的好的
No, I was not. Okay? All right.
关于这桩事情…我有所保留的一点就是
A part of my reticence about this whole thing…
确实没什么好料可以给你写
is that it won’t make very good copy for you.
因为 不 我完全不是那样的人
Because, no, I was not like that at all.
-但你答应了接受采访 -我知道我答应了
You did agree to this interview. I know that I did.
好了 我不会再继续逼你了 抱歉