独裁者（2012）

No, Supreme Leader.
首部的形状
The shape of the missile top
是不会影响导弹的空气动力
has nothing to do with aerodynamics.
关键是有效负载的传输
It is about the payload delivery.
不 尖头的才能插♥进♥地里 然后爆♥炸♥
No. It sticks in the ground, and then kaboom.
最高领袖
Supreme Leader,
或许您对导弹的有些认知
I think perhaps some of your information about bombs
都来自于动画片吧
is coming from cartoons.
胡说 那些明明是军事纪录片
Nonsense. They were research films.
片中纪录道 被炸♥弹♥炸到的人
And in them, the victims of the bomb
都会一副灰头土脸的样子
would get very sooty faces
然后就灵魂脱壳
and then a see-through version of themselves
弹着竖琴升向天堂
started rising up towards Heaven while playing a harp.
请教一个问题 在这些电影里
In this film, just one question,
是不是都有一只鸭子被炸到
was there a duck who, when the explosion is happens,
嘴巴歪到后脑勺
his bill goes around to the back of his head,
然后为了说话 它又把嘴扳回原位
and then in order to talk, he has to put it back this way?
是有这么一号♥人物
There was somebody who suffered a deformity like that.
好吧
Okay.
现在我百分百确定您看的是动画片了
I am now 100% sure that you are watching cartoons.
你和专家们谈过这事了吗
Have you spoken to the experts about this?
-你咨♥询♥过波贝教授了吗 -谁
– Have you consulted Professor Bobeye? – Who?
波贝教授
Professor Bobeye,
一个小臂粗到
the one with the incredibly strong forearms
和身体完全不协调的家伙
that are miss-sized for his body.
您说的那个人叫波比[大力水手]
The man you are discussing is called Popeye.
-波贝 -他可不是什么教授
– Bobeye. – He is not a professor.
根据动画片剧情 波比应该是个水手
Popeye is, as the song tells us, a sailor man.
容我说一句 这样吧 你暂且把我当成个白♥痴♥
Indulge me. For one second, pretend that I’m an idiot.
我听着呢
Okay. I’m there.
你来解释一下这颗炸♥弹♥
And explain to me how this bomb
为什么不会在以色列着陆
will not land in Israel
然后这样弹回来并把瓦迪亚炸上天
and then, literally, bounce right back and blow up Wadiya.
最高领袖 请听我解释
Supreme Leader, let me explain to you.
还没说我就糊涂了
You’ve lost me.
这是咱们瓦迪亚的导弹
This is the missile in Wadiya,
你按下按钮 “卟”
you push the button, “Boop!”
以色列…
Israel…
“不 怎么了”
“No! Why?”
核冬天
Nuclear winter.
事实上是这样的
The reality is…
哦不[意第绪语]
Oy vey!
我们挂了
Us.
相信我
Believe me, sir,
要能把它弄尖一点
if I could make the device even a little more pointy,
我早就弄了 但是技术上不允许啊
I would, but I simply cannot.
好吧
Okay. You know what?
咱们”求同存异”吧 伙计
Let’s just agree to disagree, my friend.
好的
Okay.
你们干什么 不
What? Why? No!
-您不记得了吗 -我当然记得
– Don’t you remember? – Of course I remember!
你竟敢质疑我的记忆力 我什么都记得
How dare you question my memory? I remember everything!
不 我没有 从来没有
No, I would never do that! Never!
很抱歉 我真不是那个意思
I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean that.
别担心 没事的 做的好 伙计
Don’t worry, it’s fine. Well done, my friend.
谢谢您
Thank you.
等等 你们带我去哪儿
Wait! Wait! Where are we going?
将军 要不直接告诉联♥合♥国♥
Admiral General, what if we just tell the United Nations
我们没有核武器 你看怎么样
we have no nuclear weapons?
这样他们就会停止对我们的制裁
They will lift the sanctions.
让我们把石油卖♥♥到加拉比亚沙漠了
We’ll be free to sell oil rights to the Jalabiya desert.
塔米尔叔叔
Uncle Tamir.
你还记得我那伟大的父亲
Do you not remember what my saintly father
临终前让我保证过什么吗
made me promise him on his deathbed?
永远不要卖♥♥瓦迪亚的石油
It was never to sell Wadiya’s oil.
这也是为什么他将权力继承给了我
You remember that was when he gave me power
而不是作为合法继承人的你
instead of you, the rightful heir.
你太开放了
You’ve been so cool about it.
咱们回宫殿吧
Now, let’s go back to the palace.
又到了压轴的
It’s the season finale
超级无敌火♥辣♥俏主妇狂欢季了
of Real Housewives of Shachahmahahfalimitahlicch!
阿♥拉♥丁 阿♥拉♥丁
Aladeen! Aladeen!
去死吧暴君
Death to the tyrant!
我们得找个新替身了
Looks like we need to find a new double.
这一个好像…
Because this one is…
也不知道他能不能恢复成原来那样
You know, I don’t know if he’s going to get better.
他没法恢复了 先生 他死了
Oh, he’s not going to recover, sir. He’s dead.
给他老婆寄一盒玻璃纸包装的
Send his wife some chocolate covered almond nuts
杏仁坚果巧克力吧 听起来都好吃
in a cellophane wrapped box. Delicious.
我们将给你老婆寄一些杏仁
We’re going to send your wife some almonds.
外面包着巧克力那种
Chocolate covered versions of these.
马鲁史 有颗杏仁好像掉他脑袋里了
Maroush, I think I dropped an almond in his head.
你能把它取出来吗
Can you take it out?
我可不想把他的遗体寄回家时
What I don’t want to do is send the body to the family
让他的家人在他脑袋里发现一颗杏仁
and then they discover an almond in his head,
他们会问”为什么他脑袋里有颗杏仁”
and they say, “Why is there an almond in his head?”
取出来
Take it out.
擦干净
Clean it!
不然我怎么吃
How am I gonna eat that?
-别吃啊 -天啊 马鲁史
– Don’t eat it. – Oh, Maroush!
一切都会好起来的
Listen, everything is gonna be just fine.
不用担心
I don’t want you to worry about anything.
不过我跟你说话时你最好看着我
Yeah, how ’bout looking in my eye when I’m speaking to you?
和人对话时看别处
It’s very rude not to look at
是十分不礼貌的
somebody in the eye when they’re talking to you.
好吧 没事的 今天你也受累了
It’s okay. Don’t worry. You’re having a rough day.
杀错人了
We shot the wrong man.
交给我吧 我有个好主意
I can fix this. I have a new plan.
再找个替身
We need to find a new double.
找个我们能够完全操纵的傀儡
One that is simple enough to be manipulated completely.
我找到合适的人选了
I think we found what you are looking for.
你说他长得像我
You think this man looks like me?
你家谷仓真大
You have a very big barn.
你养的那么多羊肯定都很开心吧
You must have many happy goats, hmm?
这他妈都在胡扯些什么
What the fuck does that even mean?
塔米尔叔叔 这就是个脑残
Uncle Tamir, this thing is an idiot.
他怎么能胜任这份工作
What makes you think he can do the job?
提醒您一声 他唯一的”工作”
May I remind you that his only real job
就是代替你被爆头
is to be shot in the head.
很好 让他走一遍程序吧
Very well. Put him through the process, okay?
给他剪指甲 锉牙
Clip his nails, file his teeth,
漂白肤色 再把鸡鸡剪短一点
bleach his skin, and shorten the penis.
梅根 梅根
Megan! Megan!
我终于把疱疹传染给你了
You now have herpes.
梅根 和你嘿♥咻♥真是物超所值
Megan, you were worth every penny.
你也热力四射呢
You were super hot.
飞机准备好了吗
Is my jet ready?
好了 不过你难道不想在这过夜吗
Yes, but do you want to stay the night?
我真的想找个人抱着睡呢
You know, I really want to do some cuddling.
不行 到点了
No. Your time is up.
明天还得去给意大利首相陪睡呢
I have to be with the Italian Prime Minister tomorrow.
好吧 马鲁史 把礼包拿出来
Okay. Maroush, give the goodie bag!
谢了
Thanks.
所有你经纪人要的东西
I trust everything is in there,
都在里面了
as your manager requested?
凯蒂·佩里说她有一块钻石劳力士呢
Katy Perry said she got a diamond Rolex.
那是因为她允许我”阿♥拉♥丁”在她脸上
That’s because she let me Aladeen in her face.
好吧
Okay.
你确定你不想和我搂着睡一觉
Right. Are you sure you don’t want to stay for some cuddles?
-不想 -拜托
– No. – But, please.
我真的想找个人抱抱