自卫艺术

-你好啊 -你好
– Hi there. – Hello.
都是垃圾
意式浓咖啡
Espresso.
我们只卖♥♥普通的咖啡
We’ve just got the regular type of coffee here.
那就来两杯吧
Two, please.
搞什么
好恶心啊
我们来玩个游戏
好
来吧
你先来
好
Okay.
我假装在读新闻 实则在看交友启事
每看一条我都会想象发启事的人长什么样
还有他们裸体的样子
我已经硬了
半硬了 我在大庭广众之下半硬了
我完全勃起时长12.1厘米
我清楚这点因为我曾仔细量过
我尿尿时直视前方
不低头看就直接把家伙从裤子里掏出来
如果我瞥见自己那话儿 就会难受一整天
法语入门课程
你好 你已完成第25课的学习
Bonjour. You have completed lesson 25.
做得好
Well done.
此时你应该已经充分掌握了法语
At this point, you should have a firm grasp of the French language.
我们继续吧
Let’s continue.
我不想惹麻烦 先生 我只是名游客
自卫艺术
真希望我当时也在场
I wish I would have been able to see that.
格兰特无疑是
Grant is without a doubt
这世上最差劲的上司
the worst boss on the face of the Earth.
总有一天 我要拳打他的咽喉
One of these days, I’m going to punch him in the goddamn throat.
我向你们保证
I can promise you that.
-你们在说格兰特吗 -是啊
– Are you talking about Grant? – We are.
我觉得我们应该搞个办公室恶作剧捉弄格兰特
I was thinking we should pull an office prank on Grant, you know.
比如在他椅子下放个空气喇叭
Put, like, an air horn under his chair,
当他坐下时 会发出很大的响声
so when he sits down, it makes a really loud noise.
或是给他的房♥子放把火 诸如此类的事情
Or set fire to his house. Something along those lines.
玛姬最近好像生了
I think Maggie gave birth recently.
格兰特的妻子 玛姬 事实上我确定她生了
Grant’s wife, Maggie. Actually, I… I know she did.
我上周末去了他家的露天烧烤聚会
I went to the cookout at his house last weekend
他们两口子和小宝宝都在
and they were there with their new baby,
还有他们的另外两个孩子
along with their two other children.
那次烧烤聚会其实很不错
It was actually a really nice cookout.
肉类和配菜质量上乘
Quality meats and sides.
甚至还有抽奖活动 奖品是城里
There was even a raffle for a gift card
那家新餐厅的礼品卡
to that new restaurant in town.
公♥司♥里多数人都去了
Most of the office was there.
有些人甚至还穿了泳衣
Some of them even wore their swimsuits.
所以…烧掉他们的房♥子也许不是最好的…
So, maybe burning down the house isn’t the best…
不过确实 有时候…
But, yeah… Yeah, sometimes…
有时候在单位 格兰特会给我布置任务
Sometimes here at the office, Grant will give me an assignment,
比如审核开支报表
such as auditing an expense report,
尽管审核报表是我的职责所在
and even though it’s part of my job, reports and auditing,
有时候挺让我恼火的
it can be frustrating.
你在看什么杂♥志♥
What’s that magazine you’re reading?
你是哪个部门的
What department are you in?
财务部
Accounting.
审核我们的支出报表的人就是你
So you’re the one who audits our expense reports?
是我
Yeah.
你给我滚出去
Get the fuck out of here.
狼 男人的宠物
对不起 我不知道狗粮吃完了
I’m sorry. I didn’t know we were out.
你有枪吗
Do you have a gun?
什么
What?
狗粮
不不不 求你别这样
No, no, no, no. Please don’t.
给 给你 你可以拿走我的钱包
Here, here. You can take my wallet.
里面有十块钱外加城里那家新餐厅的礼品卡
There’s $10 plus a gift card to the new restaurant in town.
你们为什么要这样做
Why are you doing this?
昨晚又发生了一起抢劫案
There was yet another mugging last night,
致使一名35岁的狗主人重伤
this one putting a 35-year old dog owner in critical condition.
骑摩托车的行凶者仍然在逃
The motorcycle-riding assailants are still at large.
爸爸 这里有条小狗
Daddy, there’s a doggy in here.
警方在官方声明中
In an official statement,
呼吁市民在天黑后待在家中
police are urging residents to stay indoors after dark,
并补充道 如须外出 应随身携带武器
adding that if you must go outside, you should carry a weapon,
例如枪或大刀
such as a gun or a large knife.
你只有一条未听留言
You have only one unheard message.
凯西 我是格兰特 你的上司 单位上司
Hey, Casey. Uh, this is Grant. Your boss. From work.
我想打个电♥话♥慰问下 看你恢复得如何
Just calling to check in on you, see how you’re doing.
我只想告诉你 你可以放心慢慢休养
I just want you to know, you can take all the time you need.
你还有一周的带薪假
We can keep you on paid leave for another week
之后我们会计入你的年假
and then it’ll just start counting towards your vacation time.
考虑到你积攒了那么多年假
but you’ve got so much of that built up,
你大可不必担心
so I wouldn’t be concerned.
也许你可以去心心念念的法国玩一趟
Hey, um, maybe you could take that trip to France you’re always talking about.
我听说那里的人很友善
I hear the people there are lovely
食物也应该…
and the food is supposed to be…
没有其他人给你留言
No one else left you a message.
对不起 我不能再外出了
I’m sorry. I can’t go out there.
结局本不该如此
This isn’t how it was supposed to be.
我本该赢的 你不遵守规矩
I was supposed to win. You didn’t play by the rules.
世上本无规矩
There never were any rules.
有什么需要吗
Can I help you?
我想买♥♥把枪
I’m interested in buying a gun.
打猎用吗
Are you a hunter?
不 是用来自卫的
No. It would be for self-defense.
我想买♥♥把可以握在手里的枪
I need something that can fit into my hand.
听起来你需要一把手♥枪♥
Sounds like you’re after a handgun.
这把如何
How about something like this?
没错 这正是我想买♥♥的枪
Yes. This is exactly what I’m looking for.
我能很轻易地把它握在手里
I can hold it in my hand quite easily.
我会对你进行背景核查并提交相关文件
I’ll run the background check and file the necessary paperwork.
好的 能否帮我把它装到盒子或是袋子里呢
Yeah. Is there some sort of box you can put this in, or a bag?
抱歉 在你可以合法购枪前
Sorry. There’s a waiting period
仍有一段等候期
before you can legally purchase this gun.
以防正在气头上的人冲进来
It’s so a person who is upset with another person
买♥♥把枪去射杀惹他不爽的人
can’t come in here and buy a gun to shoot that person with.
必须等上一段时间才可以买♥♥枪杀人
Instead, they have to wait a little while before they can do that.
-你有小孩吗 -没有 只有一条狗
– Do you have any children? – No, I don’t. Just a dog.
那就好 如果你有小孩的话
Good. If you did have children,
我得警告你 家中有枪会使
I would warn you that the risk of accidental death
意外死亡的危险性大幅提升
increases drastically with a gun in the home,
但是既然你没有小孩
but since you don’t have any children,
那个数据就与你无关
that statistic is irrelevant to you.
不过你确实提到了自卫 要小心
You did mention self-defense though. Be cautious.
在激烈争执中 携带枪♥支♥的受害者
In a violent altercation, an armed victim is
比未携带枪♥支♥的受害者更有可能被枪杀
much more likely to be shot and killed than an unarmed victim.
自杀在持枪者中也更常见
Suicide is more common with gun owners too.
你一定会爱上有枪的感觉
You’re really gonna love owning a gun.
你说得一定没错
I’m sure you’re right.
空手道
空手道是一门语言
Karate is a language.
它是一种沟通方式
It’s a way of communicating.
你们小时候
When you were a child,
会训练声带振动空气说出单词
you trained your vocal chords to manipulate air to make words.
接着你们学习如何把单词组合到一起
And then you learned how to combine those words together
形成句子
so that they would form sentences.
这些句子可以表达看法 欲望 需求
And those sentences expressed thoughts, wants, needs…
每次交谈都是对你的言语技能的磨炼
Every conversation that you had was honing your skills.
如今 多年过去
And now, after all these years,
你成为了语言黑带
you are black belts in speech.
在你们现阶段的空手道训练中
So, at this point in your karate training,
你们正在学习如何用拳脚塑造词语
you are learning how to form words with your fists and with your feet.
进而达到不用思考便能出手的境界
You’re gonna get to the point where you don’t even have to think about it.
问我一个问题
Ask me a question.
你 你这周末有什么计划
What… What are your plans for the weekend?
我打算去超♥市♥购物 再租部电影
I’m going to do some grocery shopping and rent a film.
也许会选
Perhaps a comedy
一部喜剧