四十岁的老处男（2005）

什么？骗人，你们有!
What? Yes, you do!
你这个骗子! 你为什么要骗我?
You’re such a liar!Why do you lie to me?
为什么?
Why?
~!@#$%^&*()_+|
“骗子”之后的话我一句也没听到
I didn’t hear anythingafter “a liar.”
“骗子”之后她又说什么了? 她像个水壶一样乱叫
What did she say after “a liar”?- She sounds like a tea kettle.
去你♥妈♥的♥!
Fuck you!
也许我应该带她去 不，我觉得不行
Maybe I should take her.- No, I don’t think so.
学一点知识不会有什么害处，对吧
You know, a little informationnever hurt anybody.
酷
Cool.
哇靠!
Wow!
鸡鸡放在哪里呢?
Where do you put the penis?
噢，妈的
Oh, shit.
这个东西…
It is…
不是个魔方
not a Rubik’s Cube.
妈的
Shit.
天哪，他们还要让我们等多长时间?
God, how much longerare they gonna make us wait?
我不知道，应该马上就到了
I don’t know. They should beout in a second.
那么，你们来这里…
Now, you’re all here…
是因为你们想要避孕药
because you’re interestedin obtaining birth control.
有问题要问吗?
Any questions?
我给你讲个可爱的故事 那天我回到家…
Here’s a cute story.I came home the other day…
他和他的女朋友 正在我结婚的喜床上…
and he is with his girlfriendin my marital bed…
做那件在阿♥拉♥巴马州不合法的事情
doing things that are illegalin Alabama.
性行为，大家都知道吧? 我老婆可不会这么干，明白吗?
Sex acts, right?Things that my wife won’t do, okay?
那你有什么问题呢? 怎么才能让我老婆愿意干呢?
Did you have a question?- How do I get my wife to do that?
其他人有问题吗?
Does anybody else have a question?
鉴于没有更好的表达方式…
My daughter is,for lack of a better word…
我只能说我女儿有点笨
dumb.
我怎么才能停止她的生理周期?
How do I stop her menstrual cycle?
你想让她停经?
You want her to stophaving a menstrual cycle?
我想让它停下，也许就那么几年
I want to stop it,maybe just for a few years.
嗯，我不认为这是个好主意
Yeah, I don’t thinkthat’s a good idea.
还有人有问题吗? 我有个问题
Does anybody else have a question?- I have a question.
我想这里有些人也许 没有什么性方面的经验
I think some of the peoplehere might be sexually inexperienced.
如果不用，功能就会丧失的说法是真的吗?
Is it true that if you don’t use it,you lose it?
这是个严肃的问题?
Is that a serious question?
不，不是 好的
No. It wasn’t.- Okay.
好了，有很多你们可以参与的活动…
Now, there are a lot of activitiesthat you can engage in…
是不涉及性行为的 它们既有趣又安全
without having sexthat are both fun and safe.
什么样的活动? 我想…
What sort of activities?I think…
大家都很想知道活动的内容
everybody wants to knowabout the activities.
这个嘛，你们可以外性♥交♥ 而不是内性♥交♥
Well, instead of having intercourse,you could have outer-course.
外性♥交♥? 那是什么东西?
Outer-course?What’s that?
是啊，那是什么东西?
Yeah, what is that?
外性♥交♥是除了生殖系统接触之外的任何接触
Outer-course is anythingthat isn’t vaginal intercourse.
我还是更喜欢生殖系统接触
I prefer vaginal intercourse.
这是他的真心话
He really does.
好了，有些方法是不用真正性♥交♥ 也可以进行性行为的
Now, there are ways of having sexwithout intercourse.
我们来看看，比如说 身体摩擦啦，或者干蹭啦
Let’s see, there are thingslike body rubbing or dry humping.
你们可以干蹭
You could dry hump.
还有自♥慰♥ 自♥慰♥，自己跟自己玩
There is masturbation.- Masturbation. Play with yourself.
互相自♥慰♥ 可以跟朋友玩
Mutual masturbation.- Play with a friend.
深吻 还有色情按♥摩♥
Deep kissing.There is erotic massage.
听起来很不错
That sounds like it would be nice.
口腔性游戏 听起来象我的周五之夜
Oral sex play.- Sounds like my Friday night.
闭嘴, Seth. 那天晚上我们去了教堂
Shut up, Seth.We went to temple.
好，这里有没有处♥男♥或者处♥女♥…
Okay, are there any virgins here…
想着要体验他们的初夜的?
who are thinking abouthaving sex for the first time?
噢
Oh.
等等，这么说你是个处♥女♥?
Wait. So you’re a virgin?
我可以来上一炮 噢，是吗，你可以”来一炮”?
I’d tap that.- Oh, yeah, you’d “tap that”?
Seth, 你是不是觉得 你这个犹太蘑菇头挺酷的?
Seth, what, you think you’re coolwith your little Jew fro?
我们不能说”来一炮” 你究竟在说什么,Seth?
We don’t say, “tap that.”What are you talking about, Seth?
告诉你们吧 我也是个处♥男♥
You know what, I’m a virgin, too.
这可….
That’s…
我们也是 对
We’re virgins, too.- Yeah.
不，听着 这是个人选择问题…
No, you know what,it’s a personal choice…
而且我一点也不觉得奇怪
and I don’t think it’s weird at all.
你知道你的问题是什么吗?
You know what your problem is?
你把逼当神一样供着
You’re putting the pussy on a pedestal.
这是我第二次听到这个话了
That’s the second time I’ve heard that.
什么叫”把逼当神一样供着”?
What is the “pussy on a pedestal” thing?
好了，我再也不想听这些了 让我感到恶心
Okay, I can’t listen to anymore of this,’cause it’s making me sick.
再见了
So, bye.
可以在你的网站上找到这些信息，对吗?
You can get this informationon your website, right?
是的 谢谢 很高兴见到大家
Yes.- Thanks. Nice meeting everybody.
还有什么问题吗?
Any other questions?
你有没有超大号♥的保险套?
Do you have any extra-large condoms?
Seth, 你的小♥弟♥弟♥超级小
Seth, you got a tiny penis.
那些是我编出来给你解围的
So, I made that all up to help you out.
不，你不是编的
No, you didn’t.
不过 还是谢谢你那么做
But thank you for doing that.
你怎么看出来的?
How can you tell?
这个，我学校里面有 大概400个男生…
Well, you know, I go to schoolwith, like, 400 guys…
全都想着要和人上♥床♥
who are all trying to have sex.
所以，我能看出来谁已经上过床了
And, yeah, so I can tell who’s done it.
当然
Of course.
你真的从来没有? 没有，我真的没有
And you really haven’t?- No, I really haven’t.
别告诉你妈妈，好吗?
Please don’t tell your mom,okay?
嗯，我不会的 谢谢
Yeah, I won’t.- Thanks.
可你要什么时候告诉她?
But when are you gonna tell her?
相信我，我正在努力
Believe me, I’m working on it.
我正在努力
I am working on it.
有大♥麻♥吗?
Do you have any weed?
有 你还真的有
Yeah.- You do have some.
能不能分一点 还是都有人要了?
Can spare any or is it all spoken for?
我是说，我们在说什么?
I mean, like what are we talking?Are we…
够我差不多一个星期吸到爽的
Just enough to get mebaked for like a week.
那可真够多的
That’s a lot of weed.
嗯，我下个星期休假，所以….
Yeah, I am taking vacationnext week, so…
你去哪儿? 我哪儿也不去
Where are you going?- I’m not going anywhere.
我就待在我的公♥寓♥里 光吸大♥麻♥?
I’ll stay in my apartment.- Just getting baked?
我一直都想吸到爽
I want to be baked the whole time.
看电视 我可能要再看一遍甘地传
Watch TV,I’ll probably re-watch Gandhi.
看甘地，吸到爽，不错 可不是?
Gandhi baked is good.- Yes, isn’t it?
吸爽了以后看那部片子 感觉总是很不好…
I always feel badwhen I watch it baked…
因为我真的好饿 然后就吃好多…
’cause I get really hungryand I’m eating a lot…
然后可怜的甘地…
and poor Gandhi is…
把他妈的的屁♥股♥都饿没了 很饿，我知道
…fucking starving his ass off.- Starving, I know.
听起来不错 嗯
Sounds good.- Yeah.
我要把音量开到最大 没问题吧?
I’m going to take her to capacity.Are you okay with that?
你尽管试吧
Give it a shot.
我靠！噢，太好了
Freak! Oh, yeah!
MichaeI McDonald, 伙计 我有年头没听过了
Michael McDonald, man,I haven’t heard this in years.
是啊，我都有大概48分钟没听过了
Yeah, I haven’t heard itin like 48 minutes.
如果我买♥♥了这音响 你会送这张DVD吗?
If I get the set,will you throw in the DVD?
你不买♥♥我也会送你这张DVD
You don’t get the set.I’ll throw in the DVD.
我要了
I’ll take it.
真的? 是的
Really?- Yeah.
你们想看点好东西吗？过来
Y’all want to see something beautiful?Come here.
你们想看这个世界上最美的东西吗? 看看这个
You want to see the most beautiful thingin the world? Check this out.
我的宝宝就在这 我宝宝的小鸡鸡就在这里
This is my baby right here.That’s my baby’s dick right there.
看起来象个鬼一样
Looks like a poltergeist.
那是他的脚
That is his foot.
看看他的鸡鸡 四个月都不到的孩子啊
Look at his dick.That’s not even four months.
推算一下看看
Extrapolate that.
到他30岁的时候会怎么样?
By the time he’s 30,what’s gonna happen?
嘿, Andy! 过来看看这个，伙计
Yo, Andy! Come check this out, dawg.
这是那部关于天才婴儿的电影吗s?
Is this the movie about babiesthat are geniuses?
不是，这是我的宝宝，哥们儿 Jill 怀孕了