四十岁的老处男（2005）

躲着好人
at my own peril.
我上一个男朋友经常喝多
My last boyfriend drank a lot.
恩
Mmm-hmm.
所以 这是果汁汽酒
And so…- This is just punch.
不，没关系得 喝一点点没关系的
No, it’s okay.A little bit’s fine.
大佛汽酒 我要佛爷保护
Buddha punch.I need some Buddha.
不好意思，小姐 你们可以一起…
Excuse me, miss.Could you gather your team…
为我的女儿唱首生日歌♥吗, 拜托?
and sing happy birthdayfor my daughter, please?
这太棒了.是吧? 是啊，生日快乐
That was so good. What?- That was great. Happy birthday.
也是你的生日吗? 不
It’s your birthday, too?- No.
也是他的生日 不，不，不
It’s his birthday, too.- No, no, no.
你们可以给他唱生日歌♥吗 也给他来一个生日蛋糕?
Could you sing for himand bring him a cake?
生日快乐
Happy birthday.
非常感谢 生日快乐, Andy
Thanks a lot.- Happy birthday, Andy.
你真得很喜欢接吻是吗? 是的
You really like kissing, don’t you?- Yes.
是的
I really do.
脱掉你的裤子 好吧?
Take off your pants, okay?
好的 好的
Okay.- Okay.
哇，真的要发生了 哦，是啊
Wow, this is really gonna happen.- Oh, yeah.
感谢上帝
Thank God.
好了，我脱掉裤子 对
Okay, I’m taking off my pants.- Yeah.
你需要帮忙吗?
Do you need some help?
我想我差不多要脱下来了 裤子勾到我的脚后跟了
I think I almost got them.It’s hooked on my ankle.
哦，这真是….
Wow, that’s…
嘿，等一下 有保护措施吗?
Hey, wait.Do you have protection?
我不喜欢枪
I don’t like guns.
真有趣
That’s funny.
我这有安全套
I have condoms right here. Okay?
好的 恩….
Okay.- There’s, you know…
检查一下过期时间 因为是我结婚的时候买♥♥的
Check the expiration date becausethey were from when I was married.
而且我们不经常做♥爱♥ 这就是为什么有这么多安全套?
And we didn’t have sex that often.That’s why there are so many, okay?
恩
Okay.
我找到了
I got them.
这个怎么用?
How does this go?
好的 “套在阴♥茎♥上 从上至下 直到底部…”
Okay. “Roll over the tipand down onto the base.”
睾丸上面?
Over the balls?
没提到阿
It doesn’t say.
我可以用你的酒瓶吗?
Do you mind if I use your magnum?
可以
Yeah.
哇，一定在开玩笑
Wow. You got to be kidding.
我是海底超人
I am Aquaman.
这是什么?
What is that?
妈妈?
Mom?
这是怎么回事?
What’s going on here?
你是谁? 这是Andy
Who the hell are you?- It’s Andy.
嘿，我是Andy
Hi, I’m Andy.
上帝啊，你在做什么?
God! What are you doing?
Marla,快从我房♥间滚出去!
Marla, get the fuck out of my room!
知道吗…
You know what…
我真不敢相信你可以做♥爱♥，我却不行
I cannot believe that you’re allowedto have sex when I’m not!
这太不公平了 我要走了
That is so unfair.- I’m gonna head out.
你应该走了
You should go.
哦，上帝啊! 你们刚才究竟做了多少次?
Oh, Jesus!How many times did you just do it?
哦，上帝啊!
Oh, my God!
我很抱歉
I’m so sorry.
伙计，教教我吧
Dude, teach me.
(男人)热♥线♥接通
Hotline.
嗨，我打电♥话♥是因为已经四个多小时了…
Hi, yes, I’m callingbecause it’s more than four hours…
你们的广♥告♥说如果超过4个小时就要打电♥话♥过来
and your ad said to callif it’s been more than four hours.
你吃了多少壮♥阳♥药♥，先生?
How much of the medicinehave you taken, sir?
我什么都没吃,你们的广♥告♥上说…
I haven’t taken any,but your ad said…
如果你勃起超过4个小时，你在打电♥话♥过来
that if you’ve had an erectionfor more than four hours, you call.
如果你使用了我们的药物，你在打电♥话♥过来
You’re only supposed to callif you’ve taken the medicine.
好吧，我很抱歉 我一定是没听见那部分
Okay. I’m sorry.I must not have heard that part.
是的，如果你没吃我们的药 不要打电♥话♥过来
Yes. If you haven’t takenthe medicine, you don’t call.
好的，我很抱歉，好的
Right. I’m sorry. Right.
那么，你帮不上什么忙了?
So, there’s nothing you can do?
我就是不想… 帮不上你了
I just don’t wanna…- There’s nothing I can do.
我在印度，孟买♥♥
I’m in Bombay, India.
好吧，不 不一定你亲自来 我就是不想….
Okay. No, not you personally.I just don’t want…
我就是不想在勃起了
I just don’t wantto have an erection anymore.
知道吗，你可以去做♥爱♥
You know,you could have sex.
好吧，好的
Okay. Yup.
这就是当人们勃起的时候要做的
That’s one thing people dowhen they have an erection.
没得选择，我现在没办法做♥爱♥
Yeah, that’s not an option.I don’t have sex.
好吧，那么你可以手♥淫♥
Okay, well,then you can masturbate.
我也不想手♥淫♥
I’d rather not masturbate.
如果你想勃起消退，你可以点燃一个火柴…
If you’d like the erectionto go away, you can light a match…
吹灭火焰 然后戳在你的手腕上
blow out the flame and putthe hot ember on your wrist.
这可以使到脑的集中里转移到其他地方…
And that will focusthe brain elsewhere…
那样勃起就可以消退了 真的，行得通吗?
…and you will lose your erection.- Really? That’d work?
用你的手指轻弹你的睾丸…
Take your fingerand flick your testicle…
直到感到疼痛…
and if you do that till it hurts…
勃起就消退了 好的，好吧
…your erection will go away.- Okay, all right.
虽然听起来不太舒服
It sounds unpleasant and it is.
这是我在印度用的土办法
It is a trick we use in India.
好的，您的建议很有用 我真得很感谢
Okay, those are all good pieces of advice.I really appreciate it.
感谢您使用本公♥司♥产品
We appreciate your business.
哦，错了 你没有用我们的药…
Oh, no.We didn’t get your business…
是的，这次没有 我想这次不需要你，谢谢
No, not this time. I guessI didn’t need you this time. Thank you.
我的上帝啊, Andy,你真是一个了不起的销♥售♥员
My goodness, Andy,you are a terrific salesman.
谢谢你 见鬼，你干得真不错
Thank you.- Gosh, you really got it down.
谢谢 业绩不错
Thanks.- And your numbers are good.
谢谢
Thanks.
我想让你全职做这个
I’m going to put you outon the floor full time.
真的? 是的
Really?- Yeah.
哇，好吧
Wow. Okay.
很好. 我要给你西服和领带,如何?
Good. We’re gonna get you a blue shirtand tie, all right?
好极了，谢谢
Great. Thanks.
知道吗, Andy,我一直在想你的问题
You know, Andy, I’ve been thinkingabout your problem.
我想我也许找到了解决办法
I think I might havea solution for you.
你听过这个”性♥伴♥侣♥”词没?
You ever heard of the term”fuck buddy”?
什么?
What?
一个很特殊的朋友…
It’s a special friend…
你可以干的
who you fuck.
不，从来没听过这个词
No, haven’t heard that term.
当我还是小女孩的时候，我很早熟
When I was a little girl,I developed early.
当我14岁的时候 我就发育成像现在这个样子了
By the time I was 14,I had this body you’re looking at.
你可以想象吗? 我不想，不
Can you imagine that?- I don’t want to, no.
嗯，不用说，我吸引了很多男性的注意力
Well, needless to say,a lot of male attention.
嗯，是啊
Like men, yes.
特别是我家的危地马拉的园丁Javier
Especially from ourGuatemalan gardener, Javier.
恩
Okay.
你知道, Javier他…
You know, Javier…
在他第一次和我温柔的又热情的做♥爱♥之前…
before he made passionate yet gentle loveto me for the first time…
他给我唱了一首美丽的危地马拉的情歌♥
he serenaded me with a beautifulold Guatemalan love song.
真的….
Really, that’s…
听起来好极了
That sounds nice.
好
Okay.
我的上帝啊
My goodness.
我想我们最好回去工作了 是啊
I think we better get back to work.- Yeah.
是啊，我最好回去工作了 是的
Yeah, I better go back to work.- Yeah.
那么，好的 好吧
So, okay.- All right.
那么你仔细捉摸一下，我迟些和你谈
So, you mull it overand I’ll talk to you soon.
好的，我会的 谢谢你 好的
All right, I will. Thank you.- Okay.
怎么回事 伙计? 发生了什么事情? 你和Trish约会如何?
What’s up, dawg? What happened?How was the date with Trish?
真是个灾难 真的?
It was a disaster.- Really?
是啊，我这辈子从来没那么丢人过
Yes. I’ve never beenmore embarrassed in my life.
没办法戴上安全套
Couldn’t get the condoms to work.
其中有一个还爆♥炸♥了，崩到了我的睾丸
And one of them exploded on my balls.