瑞士军刀男

make up little love stories for each of them.
怎样的爱情故事
What kind of love stories?
她的名字可能是…杰茜
Her name might have been… Jessie.
你会想象
And you’d imagine
在街上遇见她
bumping into her on the street
轻抚她的双腿
and whisking her off her feet.
一起签一年的租♥房♥♥合同
Sign a one-year lease together.
一起煮饭
Cook dinner together.
一起看Netflix
Watch Netflix.
汉克 有点不对…
Hank, something’s…
我的胸口感觉怪怪的
something’s going wrong with my boobs.
什么意思
What do you mean?
像小鹿乱撞一样
They’re going crazy.
我靠
Holy shit.
哈哈 不 它停下了
Ho…Oh, no. It’s stopping.
什么是Netflix
What is Netflix?
靠
Shit.
那个…
Well, that’s…
一般和女孩子约会时
Normally when you go on a date with a girl,
你会带她们去影院看电影
you’d take her to the theater to watch a movie,
但是当你…当你和某人相处很自然时
but when you’re…When you’re truly comfortable with someone,
你们会待在家看Netflix影视网站
you stay at home and watch Netflix.
比如你和杰茜
Like, you and Jessie
可能会整天腻在家里 看电影
would probably stay at home together all the time, watching movies.
你们 可能会在沙发上睡着
You’d…You’d fall asleep on the couch,
除非你们在家开超赞的派对
unless you were throwing one of your awesome parties.
然后几年后 你们…你们会结婚
Then a few years later, you’d… You’d get married.
你们会…举♥行♥一个小型婚礼
You’d have a…A small wedding,
不太隆重 你们会生下一对双胞胎
nothing big, and…And you’d have twins,
为了生计 你不得不打两份工
and you’d have to get a second job to pay the bills,
但你一点也不介意 因为…
but you wouldn’t care, because…
因为你可以和家人一起四处露营 然后…
because you’d be going camping all the time with your family, and…
然后你会告诉她 灰发的她更美
and you’d tell her she looks even more beautiful with gray hairs.
曼尼
Manny.
曼尼 我的爱情故事好像让你活过来了
Manny, I think my love story is bringing you back to life!
-它在动 -怎么回事
– It’s moving! – What’s happening?
-那是什么情况 -它活过来了
– What is that? – It’s alive!
-那是怎么回事 -它在动
– What is it? – It’s moving!
天啊 我好恶心
Oh, God, I’m disgusting!
不 不 不 你一点都不恶心
No, no. No, no, no, you’re not disgusting.
不 我的身体好恶心 太可怕了
No, my body is disgusting. It’s horrible!
不 没关系的 每个人都会这样
No, it’s okay. This happens to everybody.
每个人都会这样 很正常
This happens to everybody, it’s normal.
-真的吗 -是啊
– Really? – Yeah.
那好吧
Okay.
没事的 冷静
It’s okay. Calm down.
要不这样吧
Let’s just…
我们先把这个放一边
Let’s just take this away for a second.
冷静 没事的
Calm down. It’s okay.
好吧
Okay.
我靠
Holy shit.
杰茜
Jessie.
曼尼 我觉得你的鸡鸡在指引我们回家
Manny, I think your penis is guiding us home.
一点反应都没有 汉克 我是不是坏掉了
Nothing’s happening, Hank. You think I’m broken?
没关系
Ah, that’s okay.
有时候 当一件事被重复太多次
Look, sometimes when you do something too many times,
效果就会差很多
it has less of an effect.
那就像是 边际效益递减原理
It’s like the…The law of diminishing returns.
每个人都会这样
It happens to everyone.
所以才会有那么多恋物癖的人
That’s why there are so many fetishes out there.
-恋物癖 -是啊
– Fetishes? – Yeah.
每个人都有自己的独特口味
See, everybody has their own special tastes.
如果女孩子愿意让男人
Girls must be so nice
在她们身上尝试这些玩法 那就太好了
they let guys do all those things to them.
是的 她们很好
Yes, they are very nice.
还记得你之前用木塞堵住我的屁♥眼♥吗
Remember when you put that cork in my butt?
-那也算做♥爱♥吗 -曼尼 别提了
– Did that count as sex? – Manny, no.
我好想做♥爱♥
I wanna have sex.
我希望能有什么假装能做♥爱♥的方法
I wish there was some way I could pretend to do it.
那叫打飞机
It’s called masturbation.
跟做♥爱♥差不多
It’s kinda like sex.
-一个人的做♥爱♥吗 -是啊
– But by yourself? – Yeah.
打飞机能让人快乐吗
Masturbating makes people happy?
当然 理应如此
It’s supposed to, sure.
我想你一定经常打飞机
I bet you masturbate a lot.
我真不敢相信我们竟然在谈这个
I can’t believe we’re talking about this.
曼尼 人们不应该谈论这种事
Manny, people aren’t supposed to talk about this stuff.
听着 我并没有经常打飞机
Look, I just don’t do it very much.
我爸第一次抓到我在看那种杂♥志♥时
The first time my dad caught me looking at one of those magazines,
他非常生气
he got really upset.
为什么
Why?
我想父母不愿意发现
Well, I guess parents don’t like knowing
他们的孩子在看那种玩意
that their kids look at that kind of stuff.
所以他们会告诉孩子
That’s why they tell them they’ll…
这么做的话会下地狱或变瞎
they’ll go to hell or go blind.
但我爸…
But my dad…
他不信那一套 所以他说
He didn’t believe in that stuff, so my dad said,
“汉克 当你做那个…你懂的
“Hank, uh, when you… you know,
它会消耗能量
uh, it expends energy,
在…高♥潮♥
both in the…In the orgasm
和日常回精时都需要能量
and in the daily reproduction of sperm,
所以如果你打得太频繁
so…So if you do it a lot,
损伤日积月累 就会缩短寿命
it adds up, and it shortens your life span,
所以男性平均寿命比较短
and that’s why, on average, males have shorter life spans,
因为他们…你懂得”
because they… you know.”
所以你怕死
So you were scared of death?
没错 我当时很难过
Yeah. I…I was pretty upset.
然后我妈妈看见我哭
And then my mom saw that I was crying,
她就说了一番荒唐的话
and so she said this ridiculous thing.
她说她40岁 而我才11岁
She said that she was 40 and I was 11 and,
要是我自♥慰♥的次数够多 就能赶上她
if I masturbated enough, I could catch up to her and,
那样的话 我们就能在同一天死去
that way, we could die on the exact same day
永不分离
and never be apart.
我觉得她是想搞笑点
I think she was trying to be funny.
但这并不好笑
Ah, it’s not funny.
好吧
Okay.
她的幽默感很奇怪
She had a weird sense of humor.
就算她说得对
And even if she was right,
我打飞机的速度也赶不上她老去的速度
I wouldn’t have been able to jack off fast enough to catch up.
她不久之后就去世了
She died shortly after.
所以现在你打飞机时
And so now, when you masturbate,
会想着你妈妈
you think about your mom.
曼尼 不 那太古怪了
Ah, Manny, no. That’s weird.
古怪
Weird?
古怪就是 如果你做别人都不做的事情
Weird is like… when you do stuff that nobody else does,
他们就会因此嘲笑你
so they make fun of you for it.
我要是说我不能打飞机
So when I say that I can’t masturbate
因为那会让我想起我妈 大家就会嘲笑我
because it makes me think about my mom, people laugh at you.
但那很好玩 让人发笑是好事
But that’s fun. Making people laugh is great.
不是的 因为他们会叫我汉克·撸管
It’s not, because they call you names like Hanky Wanky,
我就不得不转学 那可一点都不好玩
you have to change schools, and it’s…it’s not fun.
汉克 我打飞机时 我会想着你妈妈
Hank, when I masturbate, I’m gonna think about your mom.
曼尼 住嘴
Manny, stop.
但如果我打飞机时想着你妈
But if I think about your mom when I masturbate,
那你就不会古怪了 对吧
then you won’t be weird anymore, right?
不 别说话了
No. Just quit talking.
-我只想帮忙 -你这是帮倒忙
– I’m just trying to help. – Well, you’re not,
所以别说了 也别问问题了
so stop talking and stop asking questions.
我应该回到死去的状态吗
Should I just go back to being dead?
没错 是应该 快去死吧
Yes, you should. Die in a fire.
曼尼