现在不是什么大问题了
It’s not that much of an issue now.
但我能告诉你 与多年前相比 现在的我会是个更好的伴侣
I’ll tell you one thing, I’d be a much better partner now
than I was years ago.
虽然说这是个很低的标准
Although that’s a very low bar.
这是个很低的标准
[chuckling] That’s a very low bar.
你个人对恋爱关系的立场是什么？
[Jonah] Where do you stand personally on romantic relationships?
你是指我有没有在谈恋爱？
You mean am I in one, you mean?
对
[Jonah] Yeah, are you in one?
没有 我没在谈恋爱
No, I’m not in one. Um…
你是否曾推♥翻♥过你妈妈筑起的那堵墙
[Jonah] Did you ever override that wall that was built by your mom
以你害怕的方式 与一个女人亲密接触？
and get close in the way you were scared to with a woman?
Um…
我会说
I would say,
有 一次
yeah, once.
但由于各种原因 我不能详谈具体细节
But I…for various reasons, I can’t get into the specifics of it.
是很久以前的事吗？ 还是近几年的事？
[Jonah] Was this a long time ago? Was this, like, in recent years?
断断续续了40年
Um…
It’s been on and off for 40 years.
我知道听起来很疯狂
[chuckles] As crazy as that might sound.
是什么阻碍了它的持续发展？
[Jonah] And what prevents it from being constant?
我就笼统地说一下
I’ll just say it in general terms.
她有其他家事
She has other family stuff that, uh,
那些把她带到了完全相反的方向
goes…takes her in completely the opposite direction.
加上我的健康状况
And also my health, you know.
我得了…
I got the, um…
当我得了帕金森病时 它对我产生了双重影响
When I got the Parkinson’s, it had a double effect on me.
说来好笑 今天我几乎没…
It’s funny. You know, today I hardly…
-哇 真的不错 -是 你完全没颤抖
Wow, that’s really good.
[Jonah] Yeah, you’re not even shaking at all.
你愿不愿意跟在我身边？ 因为你似乎对我有帮助
Would you be willing to follow me around? Because you seem to be helping.
[both chuckle]
会让你休息的
I’d give you off– You just have to stay with me every day
你只需要每天陪我陪到晚上七八点 然后就放你走
till about 7:00, 8:00 at night, then you’re free–
别现在搞喜剧表演
[Jonah] Don’t go on a fucking comedy routine right now.
-回到题上来 老兄 -谢谢你
-Stay on track, bro. -Thank you.
-我知道你在干什么 -谢谢你
-[Jonah] I know what you’re doing. -Thank you.
所以你的病情和她的家事
Uh…
[Jonah] So the illness and her family stuff.
对
Yeah.
我无法想象得帕金森病是什么感觉
[Jonah] I can’t relate to having Parkinson’s,
但你有没有想过 自己会拿它做借口
but do you ever think that can be a crutch
因而不去做 情感上会令你恐惧的决定？
to not just make a decision that would be scary emotionally?
是 100%
Uh, yes, 100%.
我觉得自己疯狂的那一面
I think that crazy part of me–
会用正在发生的事情 来证明自己的观点
It takes whatever is happening and uses it to prove its point.
但那是你的第X部分 在阻止你做出那个决定
[Jonah] But that’s your Part X preventing you from making that decision.
对
Yeah. Yeah.
我觉得我对恋爱关系的巨大恐惧…
[Jonah] You know, I think my big fear with, uh, romantic relationships,
我学到的是
what I’m learning is, is, like, the only way
要想拥有成功的恋爱关系 唯一的方法就是完全展示自己的脆弱
for them to succeed is for you to be completely vulnerable.
对
Yeah.
而人类的心灵是如此受伤 以至于我们经常说服自己放弃幸福
[Jonah] And humans are so fucked-up,
and we just talk ourselves out of happiness so often
所以也许值得尝试 推动你去至少考虑一下
that maybe it’s worth trying to push you to at least think about it.
这一点你无疑成功了
Well, you’ve definitely succeeded in that.
我无法告诉你在过去的三分钟里
I can’t tell you, in the last, let’s say, three minutes,
有多少个笑话我忍♥住了没说
how many jokes I’ve had to repress.
我能理解
[Jonah] I get it.
我也有同样的病 那就是用讲笑话来逃避情绪
I have the same disease, which is avoid emotion by making jokes.
对
Yeah.
我能问个无关的问题吗？ 问完了你可以让我滚蛋
[laughs]
[Jonah] Can I ask a random question, and you can just tell me to fuck off?
好
Yeah.
你觉得你会…
[Jonah] Do you think…
给她打电♥话♥
you will call her
或者对那段关系有新的见解吗？
or have some sort of new insight on that relationship?
感觉会
It…it feels like it, yeah.
你是真心这么想 还是只是在安抚我？
Do you mean that, or are you just placating to me?
Um…
是真心这么想的
No. I…I mean…
这感觉是一种 能推动我去做这种决定的能量来源
It…it feels like a source of energy
that might help me make a decision like this.
Um…
我对你除了爱没有其他
[Jonah] Yeah, I mean, I guess I don’t feel anything except love for you.
我只是希望…
I just want…
我希望你
I…I want you to…be happy.
幸福
我知道 我感觉得到
No, I feel it. I feel that.
我身上不典型的地方就是我的病
See, the thing with me that’s not typical is the illness stuff.
现在说起来
So I think, now that I’m talking about it,
我觉得在潜意识里
I think, unconsciously,
我把女人 把恋爱关系 和被治愈联♥系♥在了一起
I was linking a woman, like a relationship, and being cured.
但帕金森病是无法治愈的
[Jonah] But there’s no cure for Parkinson’s.
没错
Yes. That’s correct.
大多数人都没病成这样
But most people aren’t sick like that. Um…
我已经病了很久了
And I’ve been sick for a long, uh, time.
[piano music plays]
我在曼哈顿长大 所以晚上有出去玩的习惯
I grew up in Manhattan, so I was used to going out at night.
我二十一二岁的时候 我们至少每两晚会出去一次
By the time I was 21, 22, we would go out at least one out of every two nights.
那是星期五晚上
It was Friday. I was supposed to meet these two women at some bar downtown.
我跟这两个女人 约好在市中心的酒吧见面
我说“好 我一小时后到”
I said, “Great, I’ll be down there in an hour.”
我当时在打盹
And I had been taking a nap.
我倒头继续睡
I went back to sleep. I said, “Let me just continue this nap for 20 minutes,
想说再睡个20分钟
然后就打车到市中心
then I’ll take a cab downtown.”
我醒来的时候已经是星期一早上了
I woke up Monday morning.
我当时想 完蛋了 我身体严重不对劲
And I said, “I am really fucked. Something is terribly wrong.”
极度的疲惫 疲惫到…
Complete exhaustion. Like an exhaustion so deep…
这么说吧
Let me put it this way.
如果我得去一趟洗衣店 就在我家对面
If I had to go to the cleaners, right across the street from my house,
我必须想 我做不做得到？
I would have to think, “Okay, can I do this or not?”
我有没有力气走到对面去？
“Do I have the…the strength to do it?”
但平时的我不是这样的 我是非常好动的人
But this was not me. I was, like, a very hyperactive person.
所以后来我去看了神经科医生
So then I went to a neurologist.
第一次看诊他就告诉我 “你有颈椎管狭窄症
In one meeting, he told me, “Oh, you have cervical stenosis,
你需要马上动手术 而且你有帕金森病”
you need immediate surgery, and you have Parkinson’s disease.”
那天你是什么心情？
[Jonah] What did it feel like that day?
Um…
[piano music continues]
想到要让你看到我的笔迹
See, this is my real Shadow coming out
我真正的阴影面就出来了
when you’re gonna see what my handwriting looks like.
为什么？
[Jonah] Why?
因为它几乎无法辨认
Because it’s barely legible.
我甚至连看都不想看
I don’t even like looking at it.
我以前双手非常灵活
I used to be very good with my hands.
我篮球打得很好 但最重要的是我的手很灵巧
I was very good at basketball, but anything, I was dexterous.
现在嘛
Now,
不言而喻
well, it speaks for itself. [chuckles]
但当这种恐惧感涌现时
But what I try to do when I get that fear,
我会试着在那一刻直面我的阴影面
I try to see my Shadow right at that moment.
他看起来一副恶病质样 懂是什么意思吗？
“He looks cachectic.” You know what that means?
-瘦骨嶙峋吗？ -对
-Emaciated? -[Stutz] Yeah, emaciated.
-是 -那就是我的阴影面现在的样子
-Yeah. -[Stutz] That’s how my Shadow looks now.
就像我会散架一样
It’s like I’ll fall apart.
你觉得健康问题 会导致一个人觉得更孤独吗？
[Jonah] Do you think medical issues can lead to a lonelier existence?
-会 -为什么？
-Yes. [splutters] Yes. -[Jonah] Why?
有一阵子 我甚至不敢出门
It was, literally, for a while there, I was afraid to go outside.
你有没有想过要孩子？
[Jonah] Did you ever think about having kids?
一直都想 但现在已经太晚了
Yeah, all the time, but now…it’s too late now.
我现在不想要孩子
I…and I wouldn’t want to have a kid now.
为什么？
[Jonah] Hmm. Why not?
我还是很虚弱
I’m still so weak.
如果我想从这椅子上站起来 我都得想一想
If I have to get out of this chair, I have to think about it.
所以会有很多时刻 我实际上都无法参与其中
There’ll be so many moments
where I wasn’t actually capable of being part of the thing.
所以我不认为那是个好主意
-[Jonah] Hmm. -I don’t think it’d be a great idea.
真♥他♥妈♥糟透了
[Jonah] That fucking sucks, man.
是啊
[chuckles] Yeah.