-Oh, yeah, I know which way that is. -Oh, great.
往我屁♥眼♥里走就行 小粪球
Right up my fucking ass, you little shit.
糟糕 情况不妙啊
Oh… No, that can’t be right.
我马上离开
Okay. Well, I’ll just be on my way.
能把我的球给我吗？
Uh, can I please have my ball back?
你的球？你现在连小命都危险了
Your ball? You’ll be lucky if I let you leave with your life.
喂！哪个混♥蛋♥在我的小巷里乱吠！
Hey! Who in the fuck is making all that noise in my fucking alley?
那是谁？
Who’s this guy?
呵呵 别逼我立刻现身
Oh, you don’t want me to come around this fucking corner now, do you?
不然有你们好看！
Shit’s gonna get crackin’. Trust me!
想跟我玩玩吗？猫娘养的？
You wanna dance, motherfuckers, huh?
想玩玩？那就来吧！
You wanna dance? Let’s do this.
怎么样 母狗们？
What’s up, bitches? Huh?
哇 他好小只
Oh, he’s tiny.
看影子我还以为他很大呢
The shadow. I thought he was fucking big.
我们能一口咬死他 对吧？
Yeah, we can destroy this guy, right?
来啊 咬我啊 臭烘烘的狗东西
Yeah, go ahead, bite me, you raggedy motherfuckers.
看你们敢不敢！
I dare you!
你们知道我身上有多少病毒吗？
You know how many diseases is up in me?
狂犬病 疥疮
Rabies, scabies,
还有给死松鼠甜菊传染的病毒
whatever disease you can get from tongue-fucking a dead squirrel,
对 我昨晚给死松鼠舔菊了 因为我是疯子！
which I did last night, ’cause I’m crazy, man!
原地起跳能高达一米
That’s a 37-inch vertical.
你们要是敢来惹我
I’ma tell you right now, you run up on me,
我就把这只爪子伸进你们俩的屁♥眼♥ 把你们串成狗肉串
and I’ll stick this paw right up your ass and in his. Like a shish kebab.
哇 这家伙好像真疯了
Whoa. This guy seems nuts.
你看他在对着自己的屁♥股♥叫呢
Look at the way he’s barking at his own ass.
看我的！我要把自己的屁♥股♥咬下来！
I’ll do it! I’ll do it! I’ll bite my own ass off!
天啊 他有病吧？
Oh, man. The fuck is wrong with this guy?
我是疯狗 我要操垃圾！
I’m so crazy I’ll fuck the trash!
你喜欢这样 是不是？
You like it, don’t you? You like it.
你还想被回收？
You wanna get recycled?
是死扣吗？我要把这个袋子操开
Anybody got a twisty tie? ‘Cause I’m fucking this bag up.
谁是下一个？
Okay, who’s next?
他太瘆人了 咱们撤吧
He’s freaking me out. Let’s bounce.
不战就操 你们选吧
I’ll fight you or fuck you. Dealer’s choice.
反正你们都会被传染上寄生虫！
But either way, you’re getting worms!
大型犬
Large breeds, man.
那些大块头混♥蛋♥ 总会被疯狂小狗的把戏唬住
These motherfuckers, man, always falling for that crazy little dog trick.
跟我走吧 小子？
Hey, you with me, kid?
这里不适合你这种狗 快走吧
‘Cause this block ain’t for dogs like you. We should get the hell outta here.
我的网球…
But my tennis ball…
去它的吧 我再给你弄一个
Ah, fuck it. We’ll get you another one.
我叫小虫 你有名字吗？
I’m Bug, by the way. You got a name?
哦 对 抱歉 很高兴见到你 小虫
Oh. Right, sorry. It’s good to meet you, Bug.
-我叫狗东西 -什么？
-My name is Shitbag. -What?
哦 是“白♥痴♥狗东西”的昵称
Oh, it’s short for “Dumbass Shitbag.”
有时候道格也叫我“蠢货”
But sometimes, Doug pronounces it “Fucknugget.”
这些好像都不是名字
Uh, none of those sound like names.
道格的女性朋友以前叫我“雷吉”
Oh. Well, Doug’s lady friend used to call me “Reggie.”
这就对了 雷吉
Reggie. There you go. Yeah, we’re gonna go with that.
走吧
Let’s keep moving.
你流浪多久了 雷吉？
So, how long you been a stray for, Reggie?
我不是流浪狗
Oh, I… No, I’m not a stray.
-你不是？ -我只是路过这里
-Oh, you’re not? -I-I’m just out here temporarily.
我有主人的
-Oh. -I actually have an owner.
我们在玩游戏 他开车带我走很远 让我下车…
We’re playing this game where he drops me off far away…
-是吗 -…扔球
-Mm-hmm. Right. -…throws a ball,
然后我再带着球回家
and then it’s my turn to bring the ball back home.
我的妈呀！
– Holy shit! – Yeah.
抱歉 伙计 这真是太悲惨了
That’s, uh… I-I-I’m sorry, man, but that’s incredibly tragic
但是又太他妈搞笑了
and the funniest fucking thing I’ve heard in a long fucking time.
很高兴能逗你一笑
Glad you’re having a good laugh.
听我一句吧 小子
Take it from me, kid.
你那个什么主人 根本不是在跟你玩游戏
That owner of yours, he’s not playing any game with you.
他把你扔了
-He left your ass, okay? -Huh?
你已经正式是流浪狗了
You are officially a stray.
别这么说我
Don’t call me that.
这又没什么丢脸的
It’s nothing to be ashamed of.
我也是流浪狗 而且我的生活很美好
I’m a stray and I’m having the time of my life.
慢慢学吧 你几岁了？
You’ll learn. How old are you?
两岁
I’m two.
我三岁 举爪发誓 我什么都见识过
Well, I’m three, and I have seen it all. Paw to God.
我见过一条狗 是拉布拉多和贵宾混血
I once saw a dog that was half Labrador and half poodle.
-拉不拉宾！ -不
-A-A Labradoodle! -No. No, no, no.
贵多
A Poo-dor.
-贵多？ -对 反过来
-A Poo-dor? -The other way around.
-这就更诡异了 -是啊
-Even fucking weirder. -Yeah.
重点是 这种自♥由♥自在的生活非常爽
Point is, life out here on your own can be fucking awesome,
只要你能按规则行事
as long as you go by the rules.
规则是什么？
W-Well, what rules?
第一条：想要的东西用尿占
Rule number one: You want something, you pee on it.
只要尿上去 就是你的了
Whatever you pee on, it’s yours.
试试看吧
Let’s try it out.
-看到那根路灯了吗？ -嗯
-You see that lamppost over there? -Yeah.
去尿上去
I want you to go over there and pee on that.
这样真的没问题吗？
And you’re sure this is okay?
去吧 没人管
Go ahead. Ain’t nobody givin’ a fuck.
你丫现在已经是流浪狗了
You’re a fucking stray now. That’s my point.
我不是流浪狗 不过 好吧
Well, I’m not a stray, but, yeah, okay.
恭喜 你现在有自己的路灯了
Congratulations. You now own a lamppost.
哇
Oh, wow.
规则第二条
Now, let’s talk rule number two.
基本上想操什么就操什么
You can pretty much fuck whatever you want.
你骑过什么东西吗？
Have you ever humped anything before?
我觉得不能算是“骑”
Well, I wouldn’t say I’ve humped per se,
不过我喜欢在道格的腿上跳舞
but I do like to dance on Doug’s leg.
老弟 那不是跳舞
Dude, that wasn’t dancing.
那就是骑 恶魔之舞
Baby, you was humping. The devil’s dance.
不过现在 整个世界 都是你的小狗吊的“自助餐”了
But now, the world is like a buffet for your tiny dog dick.
-真的 -告诉你哦
-Really? -You know what?
我最近才操过这个沙发
I recently fucked this couch.
不会吧
-No. -Mm-hmm.
-这辈子最棒的一炮 -真的吗？
-Best sex of my life. -Wow. Really?
对 她也很污的
Yeah, a-a-and she dirty, too.
我能看出来
Oh, well, I-I can tell.
应该很多年没洗过了
Looks like she hasn’t been washed in years.
待会儿见 宝贝儿
I’ll see you later, baby.
幸会
It was nice to meet you.
规则第三条
Now, rule number three.
这也是最重要的一条 没有之一
And this is the most important, bar none.
你要靠自己
You are on your own.
-太可怕了 -这不是坏事
-That’s awful. -That’s not a bad thing, all right?
你现在是吓到了
Right now, you’re freaking out
因为你觉得你需要那个什么道格
’cause you feel like, you know, y-y-you need this Doug guy.
-确实需要！ -不 相信我 你不需要他
-I do! -But no, no, trust me, you don’t.
“狗需要人类”是人类的骗局
Humans trick us into thinking that we need ’em.
是他们对我们的洗♥脑♥
But they’re just brainwashing us, man.
你现在终于跳出泥潭了
Point is, you ain’t gotta deal with that shit no more, okay?
你是流浪狗了
You a stray.
-你想做什么就做什么 -不对吧
-You can do anything you want now. -I don’t know.
来 跟我说 “我想干什么就干什么”
Come on, repeat after me. “I can do anything.”
我想干什么…就干什么？
I can do… anything?
绝对的
Damn fucking right you can.
你想知道人类有多操蛋吗？跟我来
Now, you wanna see how fucked-up humans can be? Come on.
看看那些猫娘养的
Look at these motherfuckers here.
可悲的宠物狗
A bunch of pet dogs,
15分钟的自♥由♥就让他们欣喜若狂了
losing their minds over their 15 minutes of freedom.
要是被野狼祖先看到会作何感想？
God, if only our wolf ancestors could see these pussies.
跟上
Follow me.
这些人类为什么热衷养狗？