王胜：香甜多汁（脱口秀）（2022）

我有一些钱 有一些希望 我有腿
I had some money, I had some hope, I had my legs.
我跳到那边
I skipped over there.
我充满了正能量
I brought some good vibes.
我敲了敲窗户 我说 “嗨 我们两个都在这里了”
I knocked on the window. I said, “Hey, we both showed up.”
“看看我们能做什么吧”
“Let’s do what we came to do.”
他们并不是很感兴趣
They were not excited.
他们说：“我们不能再汽车点单窗口 给你步行的服务”
They said, “We can’t serve you on foot in the drive-thru.”
我说：“为什么不行？”
I said, “Why not?”
他们说：“是为了 你自己的健康和安全”
They said, “It’s for your health and safety.”
我说：“我正要吃温蒂快餐”
I said, “I’m trying to eat Wendy’s right now.”
“你提什么健康和安全？”
“Why are you bringing up that stuff?”
他们不让步 不帮我点单
They would not budge. That would not serve me.
最终我只能打了一个车 带我去那栋楼买♥♥
Finally, I had to call an Uber to take me around the building.
我非常精准
I was precise.
我说：“在菜单那里接我 我在窗口那里下车”
I was like, “Pick me up at the menu, drop me off at the window.”
这是你打的车吗？
“Is this your ride?”
抱歉 但我要给你一些鸡块
“I’m sorry, but I’m gonna get you some nuggies.”
最近我去巡演 我在加拿大
Recently, I was, uh, on tour. I was in Canada.
在加拿大 只能在指定 政♥府♥运营的酒类商店买♥♥酒
And in Canada, you can only buy alcohol at certain government-run liquor stores.
我当时并不知道 我去了一个杂货店
I didn’t know this. I was at the grocery store.
我不小心买♥♥了六罐一组的无酒精啤酒
I accidentally bought a six-pack of non-alcoholic beer.
我当时就应该感觉到有些不对劲的 酒是室温的 这就是危险信♥号♥♥
I should have known something was off. It was room temperature. A red flag.
我回到了公♥寓♥ 放了五个在冰箱里
I went back to my condo. I put five in the freezer.
把一罐放在装满冰的碗里 弄得非常凉
I put one in a bowl full of ice. Got it real cold.
打开罐 喝了几口 我就想：“一点都不爽口”
Cracked it open, took a few sips. I was like, “Oh, that’s not refreshing.”
我看了一眼瓶罐 说：“这也不是酒啊”
I looked at the can. “That’s not even alcohol.”
“这基本上就是加气的大麦汁”
“This is basically bubbly barley juice.”
我放弃了 我就想 看来今晚我要保持清醒了
I was resigned. I was like, “I guess I’m gonna have a sober night.”
应该快到睡觉时间了
“I guess it’s bedtime soon.”
接下来 我喝完了一整罐
Next thing I knew, I finished the can.
剩下五罐也喝完了
I drank the other five.
我把整个一组六罐都秒杀了
I killed the whole six-pack.
那个时候我才意识到 天啊 我真的失控了
At which point, I realized, “Man, I’m really out of control.”
我现在对非酒精也上瘾了
“I’m also suffering from non-alcoholism as well.”
这太糟了 兄弟 太糟了 我完蛋了
That’s bad, man. That’s bad. I’m not gonna make it.
我会成为史上第一个喝基础饮料 失去生命的人
I’m gonna be the first guy to lose his life to basic fluids.
我有上瘾的性格 你们知道吗？ 我喜欢突破极限 是的
I have an addictive personality, you know? I like to push it. I do.
我现在 对大♥麻♥和酒精的耐药上限非常高
My tolerance for weed and alcohol right now is way too high.
我想把耐药性降下来
I’m trying to bring it down.
我朋友最近告诉我 有一种药叫二甲色胺
My friend recently told me about a drug called DMT.
是一种很强大的致幻剂
It’s a very powerful hallucinogenic
它应该能让你感受到 死亡的感觉是怎样的
that’s supposed to give you a sense of what death will be like.
而我思想开放 或许会去尝试一、两次
And I’m open-minded enough to maybe try it once or twice.
但我很警惕 我永远不想出现 对二甲色胺的耐药性
But I’m wary that I would never want to develop a tolerance to DMT.
因为万一有一天我自然死亡了呢？
Because what if one day I just died naturally?
四十五分钟后 我突然说：“天啊 我没感觉到”
Forty-five minutes later, I’m like, “Bro, I’m not feeling it.”
什么情况 天啊？ 我到底能不能死了？
“What’s going on, man? We gonna get dead or not?”
我不能整天躺在这里
“I can’t just lay here all day.”
这东西太弱了 兄弟
“This is weak stuff, man.”
你们能想象自己死了 但没印象吗？
Can you imagine being dead and unimpressed?
我充满感激 非常感激能来这次巡演 这次单口喜剧
I’m grateful. I’m very grateful for this journey, and stand-up.
我在纽约城度过了很多时间
I spent a good amount of time, uh, in New York City.
作为喜剧演员 纽约是个好地方 可以衡量你的技术
Great place to elevate your skills as a comedian,
但绝对是个更难生存的地方
but a tougher place to exist for sure.
我刚搬到纽约的时候
When I first moved to New York,
我不知道为什么在纽约 每次房♥屋续租的时候
I didn’t know how every time you renew your lease in New York City,
房♥租都会上涨 每一次都会
the rent has to go up, every time.
我不知道 我在附近居住过
I didn’t know that. I’ve lived around.
在多数其他城市 房♥东会给你几年时间
In most other cities, the landlords give you a few years
让你提升自己的生活
to step up your life.
这很合理
That’s reasonable.
纽约的房♥东好像在说 “给你一年的时间工资提高10%”
New York City landlords like, “You got one year to get 10% better.”
“你最好快点”
“You’d better hurry.”
百分之十 那是很多了
Ten percent, man. That’s a lot.
每一年都如此
Every year.
这个每年的回报率也太高了 压力很大啊
That’s a big return every year. That’s a lot of pressure.
我父母从来没有给过我这种压力
My parents never gave me that kind of pressure.
我感觉自己在纽约 好像在努力让我的房♥东感到骄傲
I felt like I was in New York City trying to make my landlord proud.
很奇怪 我感觉自己的梦想 就是帮我的房♥东买♥♥一栋房♥子
It was weird. I felt like my dream was to buy my landlord a house.
我想给他买♥♥ 你们知道吗？ 因为他逼迫我的
I want that for him, you know? Because he pushed me.
他相信我 他选择了我去买♥♥16单元
He believed in me. He chose me for unit 16.
这是一个起伏不定的行业 非常起伏不定
It’s an up-and-down business. It’s a very up-and-down business.
我记得有一次 我很兴奋
I remember one time, I was so excited.
我收到了波士顿的演出邀请
I got an offer for a show in Boston.
我很激动
I was pumped.
他们会付钱给我 包来回交通费
They were gonna pay me and cover my transportation.
我拿到了 从纽约到波士顿的火车票订购信
I got the confirmation for the train from New York to Boston.
结果那张火车票
Turns out, that ticket cost more
比我的演出费还贵
than my performance fee.
我太伤心了
I got bummed out.
我开始有了一些黑暗的想法 我说：“我靠”
Started having some dark thoughts. I was like, “Dang.”
“或许我应该当一辆火车”
“Maybe I should just be a train.”
“也许想要成功 我就应该当火车”
“Maybe that’s what I got to do to make it.”
“我知道我侄子一定很激动看到我”
“I know my nephew will be pumped to see me.”
“喂 对 我肯定永远都是年度好叔叔了”
“Hell, yeah, I’ll be uncle of the year forever.”
我做这个的一部分原因是 想鼓励像我侄子这样的人
I mean, partly why I do this is to inspire people like my nephew
追随他们的梦想
to follow their dreams.
一个亚裔美国喜剧演员 这很让人激动
And an Asian American comedian, that’s pretty exciting.
但如果成为第一个亚裔美国小火车？
But to be the first Asian American choo-choo train?
那简直开创纪♥元♥了
That’s trailblazing.
我喜欢这种生活 我知道 我很感激 但有时候我会怀念
I love this life. I do. I appreciate it. But, you know, sometimes I miss…
以前工作的稳定性
the stability of my old job.
你们知道吗？我以前在办公室工作
I used to work in an office, you know?
任何在办公室的工作 最好的地方是
The best part about any office job is the fact that
你可以打印
you can print.
你可以想印什么就印什么 兄弟
You print whatever you got to print, man.
所以我才去工作 能拿到钱
That’s why I went to work, so I could get paid.
能拿到医保 能给我和我爱的人们打印东西
I get health care and I print stuff for me and my loved ones.
我知道你家里有打印机 我们所有人家里都有打印机
I know you got a printer at home. We all got a printer at home.
那个只是紧急情况下使用的
That’s for emergency use only.
现在家里的那台打印机 那个打印机都没插电
The printer at home right now, that printer is currently unplugged.
上面全是灰
It’s dusty.
只有蓝色
It only has cyan.
所有文件打印出来都是蓝色的 “你是建筑设计师？”
All your documents come out blue. “Oh, you an architect?”
我在家对自己很抠 兄弟 我很抠
At home I’m mean to myself, man. I’m mean.
我总会说服自己不要打印 我会说：“不行”
I’m always talking myself out of printing stuff. I’m like, “No, no, no.”
“你要用脑子记住”
“You gonna memorize that.”
如果我在家里打印 我会说 我们选择几页去打
If I have to print at home I’m like, we’ll select the pages.
没有“全部打印” “全部打印”是工作才用的
There’s no “print all.” “Print all” is for work.
在家里 我们选择页面打印
At home, we select pages.
打双面
Double-sided.
色度调灰
Gray scale.
设置称最浅的颜色 打印出来的时候 最好看不见
Lightest setting possible. When it comes out, it better be invisible.
所以这才很有趣 当你去工作的时候 在单位你会打印很快 不受约束
That’s why it’s fun when you go to work. At work you print fast, loose.
每天上班充满战斗力 准备一天都进行打印了
You show up trigger-happy, you ready to control-P all day.
你赚的钱 可能无法过上你理想中的生活
You might not make the money to live the life you dream,
但你绝对可以 像过上理想生活一样打印
but you can certainly print like you do.
在单位 快乐就在于浪费
At work, it’s all about being wasteful
丝毫没有悔意
with no remorse.
你一点感觉都没有
You don’t feel a thing. You don’t feel a thing.
你有没有丢掉过刚打印出来的文件？
Have you ever thrown away documents… that you just printed?
你点击“全部打印” 就印出来了
You just clicked “print all,” it just came out.
新打出来的一叠
It’s a fresh little stack.
你们有没有扔过
Have you ever thrown away
温热的纸？
warm paper?
感觉这样不对
It feels wrong.
或许你应该等到凉下来 再扔进垃圾箱
Maybe you should wait for it to cool down before you throw it in the garbage.
它才刚来 让它多活一会儿吧
It just got here. Let it live a little bit.
但你不会犹豫
But you don’t hesitate,
因为办公室生活已经让你变成了黑帮
because that office life made you a gangster.