王胜：香甜多汁（脱口秀）（2022）

我非常开心、荣幸、喜悦 今晚能在这里
I am so happy and honored and overjoyed to be here tonight,
介绍我一位最好的朋友
introducing one of my best friends
还有我在全世界最喜欢的 喜剧演员之一：
and one of my favorite comedians in the entire world:
王胜！
Sheng Wang!
黄阿丽 各位 黄阿丽
Ali Wong, everybody. Ali Wong.
谢谢 非常感谢大家
Thank you. Thank you so very much.
能来这里我超级激动、感激
I am… super excited and grateful to be here.
你们知道 随着年龄的增长
You know, as you get older,
你会第一次做很多事情
you do a lot of things for the very first time.
这就是成长的本质
This is the nature of growing up.
但有时候 你会做你觉得 自己永远不会做的事情
But sometimes, you do things you thought you would never, ever do.
比如我最近在好市多批发超♥市♥买♥♥裤子
Like, I recently bought pants from Costco.
这是件大事 这是你人生的新篇章
That’s a big deal. That’s a new chapter in your life.
因为当你从好市多买♥♥裤子时 你就不再在乎了
Because when you buy pants from Costco, that’s when you don’t care anymore.
那时候我们放下自我 开始我们的精神之旅
That’s when we let go of our egos and we begin our spiritual journey.
对吧？
Right?
你听到别人说的话 然后说
You hear people say stuff, and go,
“我不关心别人的意见 我不在乎他们怎么想”
“I’m not concerned about others’ opinions. I don’t care what they think.”
那只是说说
“That is just talk.”
直到你买♥♥了好市多的裤子
Until you back it up with the Costco pants purchase.
这样你才能知道他是真心的 他是真的不在乎
That’s how you let him know he for real. He don’t give a damn for real.
他想要柯克兰的裤子
He wanted the Kirkland pants.
别惹他们
Don’t mess with them.
当你看到有人穿着柯克兰牌的裤子时 你知道两件事
When you see somebody wearing Kirkland pants, you know two things.
第一 他们会不顾一切活下去
Number one, they do what it takes to live.
第二 他们已经不怕死了
Number two, but they not afraid to die anymore.
因为好市多教你如何放手
Because Costco teaches you how to let go.
在我去店里之前 在我的车上
Before I get to the store, in my car,
我做了快速的冥想和动员
I do a quick little meditation-slash-pep rally.
我觉得我们要去一个敌对的环境
I say we’re about to go to a hostile environment.
你已经知道会有一些不公平
You already know there’s gonna be some injustice.
肯定会有直截了当的暴行
There’s gonna be straight-up atrocities.
尽量说出来 接受无法改变的事情
Speak up when you can, accept things you cannot change.
那就是好市多
That’s Costco.
如果我在八分钟内找不到停车位 我就开走
If I can’t find parking in under eight minutes, I drive away.
放手 兄弟 没关系 今天不行了
Let it go, dude. That’s okay. Today is not the day.
我不会强迫 那是好市多 我会像尊重大海一样尊重它
I’m not going to force it. It’s Costco. I’m gonna respect it like the ocean.
那不是我的行程 那是月亮 是潮水
That’s not my schedule. That’s the moon, that’s the tides.
好市多比我们所有人都宏大
Costco is bigger than all of us.
发生了很多变化 我不知道这是什么时候发生的
A lot of change going on. I don’t know when this happened.
我最近才发现我喜欢的主流糖果店
I just recently found out that my preferred mainstream candy bar
现在是芒兹了
is now Mounds.
真是令人惊讶 对吧？ 因为我们都知道
It’s just surprising, right? Because we all know
那很恶心
that’s gross.
太恶心了 伙计
That’s gross, dude.
如果你不知道芒兹是什么 它就像好时的快乐杏仁糖一样
If you don’t know what Mounds is, it’s like Almond Joy,
但没有杏仁
but there’s no almond.
没有快乐
There’s no joy.
有好多椰子
It’s a lot of coconut.
哦 宝贝 这糖充满了纤维
Ooh, baby, this candy is fibrous.
也许这糖果有益生元
Maybe this candy got prebiotics.
芒兹
Mounds
是个烂名字
is a bad name.
我不明白 姊妹产品是快乐杏仁
I don’t get it. The sister product is Almond Joy.
这是关键的食材加上积极的情绪
That’s a crucial ingredient plus a positive emotion.
快乐杏仁 这名字不错 取名的人费心了
Almond Joy. Not a bad name. Somebody worked on that.
是谁批准了芒兹？
Who approved Mounds?
他们有看过产品吗？
Did they ever see the product?
因为它是棕色又有大颗粒的
Because it’s brown and chunky.
如果你只有痔疮这另一个选择 那芒兹是个好名字
Mounds is a good name if your only other option was Piles.
我吃芒兹方式很奇怪 我有自己的仪式
I eat my Mounds weird. I developed a little ritual of my own.
我要做的是打开糖果棒 然后倒一些杏仁在旁边
What I do is I open my candy bar and then I pour a side of almonds.
这些是另外买♥♥的
These are a separate purchase.
然后我创造了自己的快乐
And then I make my own joy.
我把杏仁塞进我的芒兹里
I shove the almonds into my Mounds.
比普通的快乐杏仁快乐多了
Way more than you get from a regular Almond Joy.
我全都打包进去了 真的很脆
I pack it all up in there, real crunchy.
然后我像吃狗药一样吃
Then I eat it like dog medicine.
我很幸运 各位 我很幸运 老兄
I’m blessed, y’all. I’m blessed, dude.
但是有一些你一生都觉得
But some things you assume your whole life
会做的事 但可能不会做
you thought you were gonna do, you might not get to.
我现在学到了这个 你们知道 直到最近
I’m learning this now, you know. Up until recently…
我还以为自己会拥有一栋房♥子
I thought I was gonna own a house.
我以为我会在东西海岸 都拥有房♥产 你们知道
I thought maybe I was gonna own property on both coasts, you know.
现在我觉得如果我有个更深的厨房♥水槽的话 那就太好了
Now I’m like, man, it would be real nice if I had a deeper kitchen sink.
我想要那个 我去了朋友家 我说：
I want that. I went to my friend’s house, I was like,
“该死 那好宽敞 老兄”
“Dang, that’s spacious, dude.”
“太宽敞了 你过得很好 老兄”
“That’s so spacious. You live a good life, man.”
“恭喜”
“Congratulations.”
“我打赌 无论你什么时候洗烤盘
“I bet whenever you wash your cookie sheets,
你都不会不小心把水 弄到台面上 对吧？”
you never accidentally flood your countertops, huh?”
哎呦
Oops.
你不知道我的生活 我们不一样 不一样 老兄
You don’t know how I live. We different. We different, dude.
烤盘上能溅出的水量 真是大到不可思议
It’s incredible how much water comes off of a cookie sheet, though.
太疯狂了 总是有惊喜
It’s wild. It’s always a surprise.
就像是幻觉
It’s like an optical illusion.
它那么薄 你不会把它当成是威胁
It’s so thin you don’t recognize it as a threat.
你可能累了 稍微轻松一点警惕 对吧？
You probably tired, get a little loosey-goosey with it, right?
突然 咣！哦 不！ 现在我的维生素都在泻湖里了
Suddenly, bam! “Oh no! Now my vitamins are in a lagoon.”
下次你有主妇的时候 别拿桶 拿一个烤盘
Next time you have a housewife, forget the bucket, grab a cookie sheet.
我一直在想 在我年少的时候
I’ve been thinking about how, when I was younger,
我经常去书店 充满了好奇
I used to walk into a bookstore full of wonder.
我小时候走进了一家书店
When I was a kid, I walked into a bookstore like,
看向所有这些我要学的东西
“Look at all this stuff I’m gonna learn.”
作为一个成年人 我走进书店
As a grown-up, I walk into a bookstore like,
看向所有这些我永远不会知道的东西
“Look at all this stuff I’m never gonna know.”
很难 兄弟 你的无知 按字母顺序整齐排列 真的很难
Ooh. It’s hard, man. It’s hard to see your ignorance alphabetized.
我不喜欢这样
I don’t like that.
我在员工推荐区 我心里想 在这么多我不知道的东西中
I’m at the Staff Picks section. I’m like, “Of all the things I don’t know,
这些是员工布莱恩的最爱
these are Brian’s favorites.”
一次被这么多知识包围着 会让人晕头转向
It’s overwhelming to be surrounded by so much knowledge all at once.
你看得很清楚 但你不能拥有它
You can see it so clearly, but you can’t have it.
只是在逗你玩 就像是智慧的脱衣舞俱乐部
It’s just teasing you, like a strip club for wisdom.
我每晚都试着读点书 养成一个习惯 你们知道吧？
I try to read a little bit every night. Make it a habit, you know?
唯一的问题是 我入睡得太快了
The only problem is, I fall asleep too quickly
书比褪黑素还好使
Books are stronger than melatonin.
给你买♥♥本书吧 老兄 每页大概50毫克褪黑素
Just get you a book, dude. It’s about 50 milligrams a page.
很自然 见效快 副作用包括学习
It’s natural, it’s fast-acting. The side effects include learning.
八个小时 没问题 把书放在床边的床头柜上
Eight hours, no problem. Put the book on your nightstand by your bed.
你半夜醒来 看到你的书 又继续睡了
You wake up in the middle of the night, see your book, go back down.
不用了 谢谢
No, thank you.
这是睡觉时间 兄弟
It’s bedtime, bro.
我读了几周的书 我还在看序言
I’ve been reading a book for a few weeks. I’m still at the preface.
那还不是书的正文 兄弟
That’s not even the book yet, man.
在页码还是罗马字母的时候还不算数
It don’t count when the page numbers are still letters.
我总是带一本书 你们知道 在我巡演的时候
I always pack a book, you know, when I’m on tour,
在沙滩的下午 在野餐的时候 我总是带一本书
afternoon at the beach, a picnic, I always bring a book.
我只是不看
I just don’t read it.
我没有好好读书 但我的书好好旅行了
I’m not well-read, but my books are well-traveled.
做我的书真好 我带你看看这个世界 姑娘
It’s nice to be my books. I’ll show you the world, girl.
我不知道… 我的时间管理需要做得更好
I don’t know– I got to be better about my time management, you know?
我不知道自己在这个世界上 还有多少年
Like, I don’t know how many more years I’ll be on this world,
但以我现在的阅读速度
but, like, at the rate that I read right now,
我感觉我还剩下八本书的时间
I feel like I got about eight books left.
我必须明智地选择 你们知道吗？
I gotta pick wisely, you know?
我收到了《纽♥约♥时♥报♥》的邮件
I got an email from The New York Times.
他们说：“今年夏天有73本书可以读”
They’re like, “Here’s 73 books to read this summer.”
你根本不了解我 兄弟
I’m like, “You don’t know me at all, man.”
退订
Unsubscribe.
73本书
Seventy-three books.