惊声尖笑3

Meanwhile, a tornado in Charleston
昨天有一对裸体情侣
threatens a clothing-optional beach where, just yesterday,
因此罹难
a naked couple was brutally murdered.
-发生地点距…-抱歉
-This just five miles from the spot… -I’m sorry.
上一个谋杀案仅差5哩
…where the last naked couple was brutally murdered.
回到运动新闻
Turning now to sports.
有一卷神秘录影带 看过的人会在七天后死亡
And an evil videotape that kills anyone who watches it in seven days.
是真的 我们都有危险
It’s true. We’re all in danger.
-有外星力量在那里 -不对
-There’s an alien force out there… -Oh, no.
那是要混淆视听罢了
…that’s trying to prevent you from knowing the truth.
-坎培尔 你疯了吗 -相信你的命运
-Campbell, are you insane? -Trust me, it’s a horrible fate.
-卡森我必须这么做 -你听到没
-Carson, I have to do this. -Do you hear me?
更正 这件事毫无危险性
Correction, there really is no danger.
其实 我只是随便说说
Actually, I didn’t really mean anything I just said.
对 随便说的
Yes, I did. Every word of it.
每个字都不算数 看过的人可能会在一周后死亡
Everyone watching this could be dead in a week.
1-3-4-19…
1-3-4-19…
4-6-9…
4-6-9…
我为这个笨蛋打扫十年了
I been cleaning after this dumb-ass cracker, Giggins, for 10 years.
我跟他老婆瞎搞了十二年
But I been waxing his bitch’s ass for 12.
知道我在说啥吗 黑鬼
Know what I’m saying, nigger?
玩骑马打仗
I ride that ho like your mama rides the bus.
她喜欢”巧克力”嘛
She likes her some chocolate.
为总统加油 各位 我是李事端
Sharpton for President, y’all. I’m outty.
要和平哦
Peace.
邪恶录影带七天内杀人
An evil videotape that kills people in seven days?
外星力量威胁地球
Alien forces threatening the world?
究竟谁是辛蒂.坎培尔
And who in the hell is this Cindy Campbell?
如果她所言属实 我们就面临空前的危机
If what she says is true, we’re facing an unprecedented crisis.
-打电♥话♥给总统 -你就是总统
-Get me the President. -You are the President.
很好 那我早就知道这事了 订午餐吧
Good. Then I already know about this. Let’s order lunch.
长官 我认为您应该上电视
Sir, I think you need to go on TV
告诉大家没有一这回事
and convince the people that there is no such thing as a UFO.
别在我面前拼字 讨厌
Don’t spell in front of me, damn it.
外星人 长官 没有外星人这回事
Aliens, sir. There’s no such thing as aliens.
-这句话不太正确 -长官
-That’s not quite true. -Sir?
一年前一架飞碟在新墨西哥州坠毁
A year ago, a UFO crash-landed in New Mexico.
-可能还找到一具尸体 -可能
-A body may have been recovered. -“May have been”?
这个嘛…因为都混在一起了
Well, there was a terrible mix-up.
当时是感恩节 尸体被送到厨房♥
It was Thanksgiving. The body was sent down to the kitchen.
他们从屁屁里塞了馅料 我们就当国宴吃掉了
They shoved stuffing up its ass, and we ate it at a state dinner.
那是我最后一次见到它
That’s the last I saw of it.
不 把这记下来 第二天还做了三明治
No, scratch that. There were some sandwiches made the next day.
-总统先生 仔细听我说 -汤普森
-Mr. President! Listen to me carefully. -Agent Thompson!
离窗户远一点
Back away from that window!
什么 我又忘了穿裤子了
What? Did I forget to put my pants on again?
不是的 先生
No, sir.
自从听到外星人的消息后我就有个感觉
It’s just a feeling I’ve been having since the news about the aliens.
-事情不太对劲 -我知道你的意思
-Something’s not right. -I know what you mean.
就像事情不太对劲的感觉
Like that feeling that something’s not right.
是什么
What is it?
是首老歌♥ 长官
Some old Tupac, sir.
“月亮代表我的心” 这玩意儿真好听
All Eyez on Me. Hey, this shit is banging.
谢谢你 我很感谢您
Thank you, sir. I appreciate it.
嗨 辛蒂
Hello, Cindy.
我是设计者 你有很多问题
I am the Architect. You have many questions.
我注意你很久了
I’ve been watching you for a very long time.
所以我知道
So I see.
麦田圈和录影带究竟有何关联
But what is the connection between the crop circles and the videotape?
答案很简单 你是偶然的必然结果
The answer is simple. You are the eventuality of an anomaly.
你在找寻一个奇特的机会
You are inexorably seeking a sedulant probability.
-诡谲 -怪异 不是吗
-“Sedulant”? -Grotesquery? No?
还是”权宜的确认” 总有个涵义吧
What about “contingent affirmation”? That’s got to mean something.
你在我浴室里装针孔
Hey! Hey! You put cameras in my bathroom?
我真是…这是什么
I can’t… What is this?
天呀 哎呀 冬天很长的
Oh, my God. Well, it was a long winter. I…
-这侵犯了…-抱歉
-This is an invasion of… -Sorry.
我就是忍♥不住 这里太寂寞了
I can’t help it. It’s very lonely in here.
很久没有人跟我作伴了
Ergo, I haven’t been with anyone in a very long time,
我自己不算 这椅子也不算
not counting myself, or this chair.
我叫她琳达
I call her… Linda.
废话少说可以吗 我在赶时间
Could you just cut to the chase? I’m kind of in a rush.
为什么 只要你愿意就可以住下来
Why? You can always sleep over if you want.
琳达可负荷两个人 还可以震动哦
Linda’s built for two, and she vibrates.
别说了 我只想知道重点 那个小女孩是谁
Stop it! Just tell me what I need to know! Who is that little girl?
好啦好啦
Okay, okay!
我老婆和我想要个孩子 但她不能生育
My wife and I wanted a child, but she couldn’t get pregnant.
-我也不能 -所以你们领养了一个
-Neither could I. -So you adopted?
我们爱这个女孩 但是她很邪恶
We loved our daughter, but she was evil.
她令马匹都疯了 杀了我们的小狗狗
Made the horses crazy, killed our puppies,
还把遥控器藏起来 真的很病态
hid the remote, really sick shit.
我太太把她带到旧家农场 把她丢到井里淹死了
My wife took her to the old family farm and drowned her in the well.
我以为事情就结束了
I felt a simple time-out would’ve been sufficient.
谁知道塔碧莎将邪恶烙印在录影带里
But Tabitha imprinted her evil on a videotape.
-我不是故意让它流出去的 可是…-可是什么
-I never meant for it to get out, but… -But what?
我不小心放错盒子 还到百视达去了
I put it in the wrong box and returned it to Blockbuster,
还以为是”少林足球”哩
instead of my copy of Pootie Tang.
带子一直流传杀人无数
And it’s been circulating and killing ever since.
就像”少林足球”一样
Just like Pootie Tang.
-那这跟外星人有什么关系 -我不知道
-But what does this have to do with aliens? -I don’t know.
说不定塔碧莎召唤他们来杀光我们
Perhaps Tabitha’s summoning them to kill us all.
外星人入侵 我得警告全世界
An alien invasion? I have to warn the world.
已经开始了 你已经太迟了
It’s already begun. You’re too late.
老天爷
Oh, my God.
不过让个老头子乐乐可永远不嫌迟
But not too late to make an old man happy.
怎么了 又怎么了
What? What?
现在 关于空中闪光
And now, reports of lights in the sky.
幽浮的行踪
Glimpses of spacecraft.
或是看到外星人的通报 在全球各地出现
Possible alien sightings being reported all over the world.
他们是外星人吗
Are they aliens?
第一批画面进来了
The first video images are coming in.
来自澳洲雪梨农场令人发指的家庭录影带
Disturbing home video tonight from a ranch outside Sydney, Australia.
现在请仔细看
Watch very carefully now.
就在那里 再看一次
There. There it is. Let’s see that again.
非常非常不清楚
Very, very disturbing.
这是巴西圣保罗传来的画面
And this just in from S茫o Paulo, Brazil.
我们再看一次
Let’s see that again.
非常非常不清楚
Very, very disturbing.
南德州传来的最新画面
And this just in from south Texas.
他们有敌意吗 只有一件事可以确定
Do they pose a threat? Only one thing’s for certain.
我们都会被杀死
We are all going to be killed.
我们要把房♥子对起来
We have to board up the house.
你确定这有必要吗
Are you sure this is necessary, Wilson?
在这种时候还举♥行♥颁奖典礼
Having an awards ceremony at a time like this?
是的 长官 一切都该如常
Yes, sir. Everything must appear business as usual.
举国上下虽谈不上惊慌失措 但已经严重受到影响
The nation, while not yet panicked, is deeply disturbed.
我们来看看是否可以转移大家的焦点
Right. Good, let’s see if we can steer that course,
我不想引起恐慌
keeping everybody deeply disturbed. We don’t want a panic.
很少有总统需要面对这种危机
Very few presidents have faced a crisis like this.
不知道福特会怎么做
I wonder what President Ford would’ve done.
好 闲聊到此结束 到此结束罗
Well, if the buck stops here, the buck stops here.
感谢并欢迎大家到白宫来
Thank you, all, and welcome to the White House.
德蕾莎修女奖表扬
The Mother Teresa Awards recognize those
那些克服残障
who have overcome the severest handicaps and disadvantages
而帮助他人的人
to help others in their communities.
不论年轻或年老
The young, the old, black and white.
白人 黑人或是原住民
Our Native-American friends. Hey, how are you?
你好吗 你好吗 你好吗
Hey, how are you? Hey, how are you? Hey, how are you?
好啦这是我的光荣
Well, it is therefore my honor
让我把奖项颁发给大家
to present each and every one of you with this symbol of merit.
这个房♥间是安全的 总统先生