琼，尼尔是个美丽而感性的诗人
Joan, Neil is a beautiful and sensitive poet.
他是我家的一份子
He’s part of my family
今天我们要打开双臂和双耳来欢迎他
and we are going to welcome him today with open arms and open ears.
好
Okay, fine.
可是他是男的
But he’s a man.
琼，你要在意的不是这里有个男人
Joan, what you need to focus on is not the presence of a man in this room,
而是你的诗里缺少母亲的存在
but the lack of your mother’s presence in your poetry.
尼尔
Neil.
“愤怒的修女”
“The Angry Nun.”
尼尔布曼作
By Neil Bookman.
“婊♥子♥！”
“Bitch!
“耶稣的妓♥女♥！”
“Whore of Jesus!
“你身着黑衣，不像女人两腿间会流血”
“Dressed in black, you do not bleed like a woman should bleed between the legs!
“但你用量尺与仇恨的十字架穿透我的血肉”
“But with your ruler, your crucifix of hatred, you strike my tender flesh!
“我为了你流血”
“l bleed for you!
“噢，圣母”
“Oh, Mother.”
然后我墨水用完了
And then l ran out of ink.
愤怒得好，结束在绝佳的时刻
Good anger. lt ended exactly at the right moment.
贾斯登，帮我泡点冰茶
Augusten, would you make me some iced tea?
新药让我喉咙好干
My new medicine makes my throat so dry.
宝贝，我去弄
Baby, l’ll get it. l got it.
好了…尼尔，大家别为尼尔吵了
All right, all right, Neil. Let’s break it down. Let’s break it down for Neil.
我妈工作时，都是我弄东西给她喝
Look, l always get my mom something to drink when she works. Okay?
-那是我们的默契 -你妈现在是我的人
-That’s our thing. -Your mother is my thing now.
我们在比谁瞪得狠吗？
Are we having a stare-down contest?
对
Yeah.
你想要什么，钱吗？
What do you want? What do you want? Money?
这是五十块，去买♥♥冰淇淋
Here’s 50 bucks. Go chase the ice-cream truck.
走开
Leave!
你觉得这整件事很好笑？
You think this whole thing is funny, don’t you?
你把我妈发疯当成娱乐
You look at my mom’s craziness as something to entertain you!
你真俗气，你妈是艺术家
You are so mundane. Your mother is an artist.
如果要吃微波食品，再去找一个妈
lf you want Hamburger Helper, cupcake, you need to find yourself another mother.
大家快过来
Everyone! Come quickly!
醒醒…
Wake up! Wake up!
奇迹
A miracle!
奇迹，奇迹发生了
A miracle! A miracle has occurred!
你们在看什么？
What are you looking at?
爸早上拉的屎
Dad’s morning shit.
看大便的尖端浮出水面的样子
See? See how the tip of the coil is breaking out of the surface of the water?
圣父
Holy Father.
医生
Doctor.
我让你好好泡个澡
Let me draw you a nice bath.
爱妮
Agnes.
去拿鞋拔来
Go get a shoehorn. A shoehorn, Agnes.
这代表什么，爸？
But what does it mean, Dad?
我们的财务状况有了转机
lt means our financial situation is turning round.
事情会渐入佳境
lt means things are looking upward, literally.
大便伸出马桶，指向天堂、上帝
The shit is pointing out of the pot, towards heaven, to God.
我的粪便是圣父的旨意
My turd is a direct communication from the Holy Father.
不…孩子们，尽管笑
No, no, no, no, children. No. Laugh. Laugh.
上帝是宇宙最好笑的人
God is. He is the funniest man in the universe.
爱妮，小心把这拿到外面 让它在太阳下晒干
Agnes, l want you to carefully remove this, take it outside and let it dry in the sun.
我们要成立一座圣坛
We’re starting a shrine, Agnes, a shrine.
小荷，我们来准备
Hope, let’s prepare.
我休想进维萨学院了
Now l’ll never get into Vassar.
爱妮
Agnes?
这屋里总得有人保持理智
Somebody’s gotta stay on top of things in this house.
我只是在想办法维持这个家
l am just trying to hold it all together.
我要问你一件事
l need to ask you something.
他很好，医生会很好的
He’s fine. The doctor will be fine.
他只是欠了一点债
He’s just overextended.
-我不是要问你这个 -那你想怎样，贾斯登？
-That’s not what l wanted to ask you. -What do you want, Augusten?
我要你做微波食品给我吃
l want you to make me Hamburger Helper.
可怕的真♥相♥最后出现了
So there it was at last, the awful truth.
谢谢
Thank you.
不像我妈，我终于触及了我的潜意识
Unlike my mom, l guess l had finally tapped into my subconscious.
日记，我觉得完蛋了，我应该准备上大学
Journal, l feel doomed. l should be getting ready for college.
结果我却在我妈的心理医师家
lnstead, l’m in my mother’s psychiatrist’s house
躺在有尿渍的旧床上
lying on a used twin bed with pee stains on it.
我的人生怎么会急转直下？ 到底我做错了什么？
How did my life take such a dismal turn? What did l do wrong along the way?
今天我满15岁
l turned 15 today.
以前爸妈都会大肆庆祝 我的生日和所有节日
My parents used to make such a big deal out of my birthdays, out of all the holidays.
我要像以前一样，有个相亲相爱的家庭
l want it to be like it used to be, when l had a family that tried to love each other.
没有人认为上帝透过大便来说话
Where nobody thought that God was talking through their shit.
我要有宵禁
l want a curfew.
我要因为跟35岁的疯子睡觉而被禁足
l want to be grounded for sleeping with a 35-year-old schizophrenic.
我要规矩和界线
l want rules and boundaries,
因为我学到了，如果少了它们
because what l’ve learned is that without them
生活就是一连串的惊喜
all life is, is a series of surprises.
惊喜！新UPS
Surprise!
吓到你了
We gotcha!
惊喜
Surprise.
吓到你了，你完全没想到
We gotcha! And you didn’t see it coming. No, you didn’t.
笑一个
Smile.
贾斯登，怎么了？
Augusten, what’s wrong?
他只是吓呆了
He’s just overcome, that’s all.
我去拿火柴
l’ll go get the matches.
真好吃
This is good.
荻翠
Deirdre?
荻翠，一起走吧
Deirdre, come along now.
我不要上医院
l’m not going to any goddamn hospital!
荻翠，只是去观察
Now, Deirdre, it’s just for observation.
-这根本是狗屁 -桃乐丝
-This is bullshit! -Dorothy!
我不要被观察
l will not be observed!
我在佛蒙特安排了一家非常好的休养中心
Deirdre, l have arranged a very, very nice retreat for you in Vermont.
你不开门我们就要报♥警♥了
But if you don’t open the door, we will have to get the police.
不，不准报♥警♥，为什么要打给那些猪？
No, don’t you call the police! Why you gotta go to call the pigs?
拜托…对了，你认为不是女同志的人都是猪
Oh, please! Oh, that’s right, you think anyone that’s not a lesbian is a pig!
-你们全是猪 -自私的婊♥子♥
-You’re all pigs! -Oh, you fucking selfish bitch!
龌龊肮脏的猪，你们只想伤害她
Filthy, stinking pigs! You just wanna hurt her!
拜托你别吵了
Will you stop? Please!
你们才别吵了
You stop! You stop!
出去写你的诗吧
Oh, please, why don’t you go out and write your fucking poetry?
你不需要母亲，你需要的是法师
You don’t need a mother! You need an exorcist!
你需要被人从后面搞
Oh, you need a fucking bone up your ass, that’s what you need!
你才想那样子
And you’d like that, you’d like that!
过去
Now.
-不 -可恶
-No, no. -Shit, shit.
我们爱你
We love you.
我们爱你
不
No! No!
不，放开我
No, let me go!
拜托放开我
Please let me go!
放开我
Let me go!
谢谢
Thank you.
谢谢
我太荣幸了
Oh, this is too much.
非常谢谢各位
Thank you so much.
“悲痛”
“Grief.
“天使已远走”
“The angels are gone.
“我寻找他们好几个星期”
“For weeks l searched for them
“精准测量了每个房♥间”
“and took the precise measurements of each room,
“仿佛房♥子在我的悲痛中缩小了”
“as if the house had grown smaller in my grief.”
不够好，无聊，唠叨
Not good enough. Boring. Repetitive.
日记，有好消息
Journal, good news.
只观察了一星期 我妈就被疯人院放了出来
After only a week of observation, my mother has been released from the loony bin.
范奇医师向我保证她很好
Dr. Finch assures me she’s doing well,
而且她正在写一首杰作 最后一定可以上电视
and is writing a masterpiece that will finally get her on The Merv Griffin Show.
真希望我能那样要求自己
l wish l had that kind of discipline.
小心，他就是这样让人爱上他
Watch out. That’s how he gets you to fall in love with him.