我叫贾斯登贝罗
My name is Augusten Burroughs.
我母亲离开我，然后我离开她
Where do l begin to tell the story of how my mother left me,
这故事该从何说起？
and then l left my mother?
或许该从她不让我上学开始
Maybe l should begin with the part about how she’d keep me home from school.
我们就是这么亲密
That’s how close we were.
我为她疯狂
l was so crazy about her.
米老师，我是荻翠贝罗
Oh, hello, Miss Mimm, this is Deirdre Burroughs calling.
贾斯登今天不上学了
Augusten won’t be attending school today.
我的头发润丝得过头了
l over-conditioned my hair.
-他的头发润丝得过头了 -还有派对
-He over-conditioned his hair. -And the party.
他还得帮我准备晚上的派对
And he has to help me with the dinner party.
谢谢
Thank you.
我妈也为我疯狂
My mother was crazy about me too.
这我一直都知道
l’ve always known that.
从何说起应该无所谓
l guess it doesn’t matter where l begin,
反正不会有人相信我
because nobody’s gonna believe me anyway.
（根据私人回忆录改编） 贾斯登
Augusten.
******【 夹 缝 求 生 】******
醒醒
Wake up. Wake up.
贾斯登，起来
Augusten. Wake up.
（1972年）
我需要你
l need you.
试音、试音，听得见吗？
Okay. Testing. Testing. Can you hear me?
“童年走了，还剩什么？”
“Childhood is gone. What remains?
“童年和青春都走了”
“Childhood is gone. And youth.
“我和我爱的人，如今关系决裂”
“And ties with people l have loved are broken now.
“我的苦难以承受”
“My grief is more than l can easily contain.
“我的苦让这个小镇重生”
“My grief builds this town anew
“召唤所有往生者与我同行”
“and raises all the dead to walk with me this day.
“还剩什么？”
“What’s left?
“我的前途一片灰暗”
“My future seems nefarious,
“神秘不再”
“drained of mystery
“我的骨骼最清楚”
“known in my bones.
“我将最为怀念”
“Most of all, what l will miss
“整个未来的奢侈”
“is the extravagance of my entire future
“在我眼前延伸，就像一条沙漠公路”
“stretched out before me like a highway in the desert.
“热浪升腾，空气皱起”
“Waves of heat rising up, wrinkling the air.
“我为逝去的事物哭泣”
“l weep for what is gone.
“也为自己哭泣”
“And l weep for myself.”
说实话，你觉得有力量吗？
Okay, now l need your honest reaction. Did it feel powerful to you?
让人情绪澎湃？
Emotionally charged?
的确很像纽约客杂誌的文章
lt really does seem like something you’d read in The New Yorker.
真的吗？
You really think so?
“纽约客”很挑的，一般人上不了的
The New Yorker’s very selective. They don’t publish just anyone.
我真的认为他们会采用
l really think they would publish this.
瘫痪的妹妹那部分很棒
That thing with your paralyzed sister, that was great.
等着看吧
Well, we’ll see.
我刚收到维吉尼亚季刊的退稿信
l just got a rejection letter from The Virginia Quarterly.
这让我很担心
That worries me.
当然，如果“纽约客”采用这首诗 你外婆就会看到
Of course, if The New Yorkerdid accept this poem, your grandmother would see it.
很难想像她会说什么
l can’t imagine what she would say.
我不能顾虑她的反应而不投稿
But l can’t let her reaction keep me from publishing.
贾斯登
Augusten,
你妈注定要成为名女人
your mother was meant to be a very famous woman.
我有朗诵会，要签书 我叫你四点到，都四点半了
l have a reading. l have books to sign. l told you to be here at 4:00. lt’s 4:30.
-塞车 -放屁，你想破坏我的好事
-l got stuck in traffic. -Bullshit. You’re trying to sabotage me.
爸，想下跳棋吗？
Wanna play checkers, Dad?
现在不行，我背痛，还要改考卷，很累
Not right now, son. My back is out, l’ve got papers to grade and l’m very tired.
到外面跟狗狗玩一下吧
So why don’t you go outside and play with the dog for a little while?
我讨厌奶油，它只会睡觉
But l’m sick of Cream. All she wants to do is sleep.
它是老太婆了
She’s an old lady.
试音，一、二、三
Testing. One, two, three.
谢谢各位光临我的朗诵会
Thank you for coming to my poetry reading tonight.
“童年走了，还剩什么？”
“Childhood is gone. What remains?
“童年和青春都走了”
“Childhood is gone. And youth.”
“我和我爱的人，如今关系决裂”
“And ties with people l have loved are broken now.
“我的苦难以承受”
“My grief is more than l can easily contain.
“还剩什么？”
“What’s left?
“我的前途一片灰暗”
“My future seems nefarious
“神秘不再”
“drained of mystery
“我的骨骼最清楚”
“known in my bones.”
谢谢
Thank you.
我不懂
l don’t understand.
我会擦亮零用钱
l polish my allowance.
先煮干净，再用拭银剂擦亮
l boil it clean, then polish it with silver polish.
贾斯登，为什么？
But why, Augusten? Why?
因为我喜欢闪亮的东西
Because l like shiny things.
你真的一点都不像我
l really don’t see myself in you at all.
我比较像妈
l’m more like my mom.
我想出名、与众不同
l wanna be special and l wanna be famous.
你要参加丧礼吗？
Are you going to a funeral?
不，这是出席公共场合的礼服，要剪吗？
No. No, sweetie. lt’s a gown for public appearances. You wanna cut?
我打算在雄伟隆重的地方宣布
See, the plan is, l’m announced, at some place grand and serious
像是卡内基音乐厅
like Carnegie Hall.
我穿这件衣服出现
And l come out in this.
站在黑丝绒帘幕前
And l stand in front of a black velvet curtain.
我要在合约里要求这一点
l’m gonna demand that in my contract.
那么我的作品才会永垂不朽
And that way, everything fades away, except my writing.
信来了
The mail came.
（纽约客）
（1978年）
“当太阳露脸”
“And when the sun comes out
“黄水仙仰望天空”
“the daffodil looks skyward.
“因为雨水而湿润”
“Wet from the rain
“但是没有破损”
“but not broken.
“胜利的号♥角”
“Triumphant trumpet.”
荻翠，喜欢吗？
Did you like it, Deirdre?
上次聚会后，我一直在写这首诗
l’ve been working on it since the last meeting of the poetry club.
你说要写自己知道的事
You said, “Write what you know.”
我很喜欢莳花弄草，写点泥土和太阳的东西
l love to garden so l thought l would write about dirt and the sun.
这是垃圾，芬恩
lt’s shit, Fern.
太煽情，不诚恳
lt’s sentimental. lt’s emotionally dishonest.
毫无意义，我觉得无聊
lt implodes into nothingness. l was bored.
你觉得无聊吗，克斯蒂？
Were you bored, Christy?
有点不知所云
lt sort of didn’t go anywhere.
你没有触及你的创意潜意识
You didn’t tap into your creative unconscious, Fern.
亲爱的
Honey.
对不起，荻翠
l’m sorry, Deirdre.
我好想有个创意的出口，我以为就是这个
l so wanted to have a creative outlet and l thought maybe this was it.
你说得对，写得很糟
But you’re right. lt’s terrible.
如果安赛斯顿要写花 诗的内容就不会与花有关
lfAnne Sexton writes about flowers, Fern, the poem isn’t about the goddamn flowers.
花会枯萎腐烂
The flowers would wilt and rot.
她会隐喻来阐释麻木的婚姻 和她的痛苦，懂吗？
She’d use metaphor to explore her dead marriage, her pain. You understand?
赛斯顿的心理治疗师 叫她写诗来排解愤怒
Sexton’s therapist told her to write poetry as a way to exorcize her rage.
她不是家庭主妇，而是摇滚歌♥手
Now, she’s not a housewife. She’s a rock ‘n’ roller. Okay?
上周在波士顿有两千人 在暴风雪中等着听她朗诵
Last week in Boston, 2000 people waited in a fucking blizzard to hear her read.
那才是找回自我的力量 也是你所需要的，芬恩
That’s power recovered. So that’s what you need to do, Fern.
你要表达愤怒，找回自我
You need to recover by expressing your anger.
我是很生气
l am angry.
-史提不把我放在眼里 -又来了，男人
-Steve takes me for granted. -There it is again. Men.
真抱歉
l’m so sorry.
芬恩，不准道歉
No, don’t you dare apologize, Fern.
你要把愤怒导向唯一的出口，你的艺术
You funnel that rage into the only escape you have. Your art.
下一位谁要朗诵？
Who wants to read next?
克斯蒂，你在躲
Christy, you’re hiding.
我还不够水准
l’m just not quite there.
让愤怒跃然纸上，姐♥妹♥们♥
Get the rage on the page, women.
-你这幼稚的暴君 -老天
-You infantile tyrant! -Jesus.
你巴不得看到我割腕
You’d like nothing more than to see me slit my wrists!
冷静下来，你歇斯底里了
Why don’t you just settle down? You know, you are hysterical.
你♥他♥妈♥的歇斯底里
You’re so goddamn hysterical!
-歇斯底里？这叫歇斯底里？ -对
-l’m hysterical? You think this is hysterical? -Yes!