口袋里的小石头（2014）

I get daily guidance from the voices.
什么样的指引？
Like what?
就比如 去洗手间 关上门 然后割腕自杀
Like, go into the bathroom, close the door and slit your wrists.
她姐姐胳膊上寒毛直竖 但还是保持了镇定
The small hairs on her sister’s arms stood up. But she kept her cool.
那你怎么没那么做呢？
And why haven’t you done that?
因为就在我举起刀片的一瞬间
Because the moment I raise the blade,
那声音就大笑着说 “开玩笑的”
the voices start to laugh and say,”just kidding”.
我想它们是在考验我对它们的信任度
They are testing my trust, I think.
你为什么就要听它们的呢？
Why would you even listen to them?
因为它们也为我做过好的事情
Because they have done good things for me.
有一次它们让我马上离开路的这一侧
Once they told me to get off the side of the road, like, right now!
我照做了之后 马上就有一辆车
And when I did, a car ran off the road
飞驰过我刚刚站着的地方
right where I would have been!
在姐姐的坚持下 伊尔贝去看了心理医生
At her sister’s insistence，Irbe went to a psychologist.
那时候 拉脱维亚开始有了知道如何
At that time Latvia started to have experts
不靠药物帮助来治愈心灵的专家
who knew how to heal souls without the help of chemicals.
但显然那声音告诉了伊尔贝 她该跟心理医生说什么
But, apparently, Irbe’s voices told her what to tell the psychologist
所以她显得一切正常
so she would appear perfectly normal.
以此来说 这“声音”很聪明
Very clever voices at that.
她没什么事 心理医生告诉她姐姐
There is nothing wrong with her. The psychologist told the sister.
别再强加你的安排 也别再烦她了
Stop pushing your agenda and leave her alone.
我看你倒是该吃点治疗妄想症的药
You could use some anti-paranoid treatment,
你要问我的意见的话
if you want my opinion.
让姐姐担心的是 伊尔贝独自一人生活
What worried the sister was that Irbe lived alone.
她一个人吃早餐 一个人吃晚餐
She had breakfast alone, dinner alone
而且她很少拿起电♥话♥与任何人交谈
and she rarely picked up a phone to talk to anybody.
姐姐又一次来探望伊尔贝
The sister came to visit Irbe again
来看看那“声音”有没有传递出什么新的信息
to see if there was a new message from the voices.
但是伊尔贝表现得冷静 淡定 而友好
But Irbe was calm, collected and kind.
她泡了两杯薄荷茶 一人一杯
She made peppermint tea and each had a cup
还在边上配了几块小饼干
with crumbling pieces of biscuit on the side.
送别的时候 伊尔贝拥抱了她的姐姐
Seeing her off, Irbe hugged her sister.
她身体的温度 孩子般香甜的气息
The warmth of her body, the sweet, still childish smell,
一种模糊的预感笼罩了姐姐
a vague feeling of premonition enveloped the sister.
她抱我的时间比平常长了一秒吗
Did she hug me a second longer than usual?
她留连在门口的时候 是不是有什么话没说出口
Did she linger at the door because of something unsaid
还是她那美丽温柔的双眼背后
or because of something being plotted
在谋划着什么事情？
behind those beautiful, gentle eyes?
姐姐走后 伊尔贝马上拉上了窗帘
Right after her sister left, Irbe closed the curtains.
她拿了把椅子 爬上去
She took a chair, climbed on it
检查了挂在窗帘杆上的铁钩
and checked the hook the curtain rod was attached to.
它看起来很结实 能承受住60到80公斤的重量
It seemed strong, capable of holding 60 to 80 kilograms.
然后她拿起那根
Then she took the rope
“声音”让她在本地五金店购买♥♥的绳子 系了一个完美的套索
that the voices had told her to buy at the local hardware store and made a perfect noose.
另一头被她牢牢地拴在窗帘杆上
The other end she tied tightly to the curtain rod.
伊尔贝把头套进套索 然后跳出了窗沿
Irbe put her head into the noose and jumped off the windowsill.
她是第二天才被发现的 她没去上班
She was discovered the next day when she didn’t show up at work
她姐姐发疯一样地打电♥话♥
and the frantic calls of her sister
说服大厦管♥理♥员♥去她整洁的小公♥寓♥里看一看
convinced the building’s super to enter her small, tidy apartment.
我就想 究竟是为什么
Why, I thought,
那“声音”要让一个如此年轻有前途的女人这样做呢
are there voices that would do such a thing to a young, promising woman?
有一次 在一个乡下的汽车站
Once, at a rural bus stop,
我看到一个沉浸在自己快乐世界中的老妇人
I saw a very old woman immersed in her own happy world.
她注意到我在看她 然后她笑了
She noticed me looking at her and smiled.
是的 我能听到音乐
Yes, I hear music.
就像在听一个别人都听不到的广播
It is like listening to a radio that no one else can hear.
世界上最甜美的天籁
The most sweet,heavenly music in the world.
哦 亲爱的 我多希望你也能听到
Oh dear, I wish you could hear it!
然后她继续哼唱着
And she continued to hum along,
在只有她能听到的音乐韵律中摇晃着头
swinging her head in the rhythm of the music known only to her,
保持着最美妙的微笑
smiling the most ethereal smile.
这个老人都做过些什么 才得以拥有如此美妙的音乐
What did the old woman do to deserve this great music
而那个生活才刚刚开始的年轻女人
while the young woman who had hardly started her life
却被深谙毁灭之道的可怕声音夺去了生命？
succumbed to terrible voices with a knack for destruction?
我一直都没弄清楚自己得了什么病
I’ve never found out what my diagnosis was.
给我做了检查 并指引我到精神病院去的那个医生
The doctor who examined me and lead my treatment
告诉我情况糟糕到
at the mental hospital told me that it was so bad
我将永远不可能成为一名教师
that I would never be able to get a teaching position
也承担不了任何一种职位的责任了
nor any other position of responsibility.
最后没有给出任何结论
Without disclosing what the verdict was
她就说我属于精神残疾
she said I was a mental cripple.
我的父母给这个医生塞了红包
My parents bribed the doctor
她才把初次诊断结果改得轻了一些
and she rewrote her initial diagnosis into something much milder
至少允许我结束自己的学业
to allow me to at least finish my studies.
离开了这些五颜六色的药片的话
You will never be able to walk and talk ever again
你将连走路和说话都做不到了
without those pink and green and yellow pills.
医生预言道
The doctor predicted.
我看了你的资料
I saw your paperwork.
多年后的一天 我当兽医的姐姐说
My veterinarian sister said one day many years later.
你是个被认证了的疯子
You are a certified nutcase.
因为怕你会被排斥 我们才没有告诉任何亲戚
We didn’t tell any of our relatives because you’d be ostracized.
但是现在 有了米兰达 琳达和伊尔贝的例子
But now, after Miranda, Linda and Irbe
我不认为保守这个秘密有多重要了
I don’t think it’s that important to keep it mum.
或许告诉所有人 让他们知道自己基因里有什么会更好
Maybe it is even good to tell everybody so that they know what’s in their genes.
那就告诉我吧 到底是什么
So, tell me already, what is it?!
精神分♥裂♥症
Schizophrenia.
好吧
Right.
说得好像如今真有人明白精神分♥裂♥症是什么一样
As if anyone even today knows what schizophrenia is.
任何人 任何事都能说成是精神分♥裂♥症
Anybody and anything could be schizophrenia.
那改写后的诊断结果呢？
And what was the rewritten diagnosis?
狂躁抑郁症
Manic depressive.
在那个时候 狂躁抑郁症患者
Manic depressives at that time
是可以管理图书或跟少数人打交道的
were allowed to handle books and a few people.
那 你觉不觉得
Well, don’t you think,
如果父母的贿赂能让诊断结果改动这么大的话
if our parent’s bribe made such a change in the diagnosis,
那再贿赂医生一次 能不能再改一次结果呢？
could this doctor have changed it again under a new bribe?
我姐姐斜眼瞄着我说
My sister squinted at me.
想改成精神正常你就别做梦了
Don’t even think you are normal!
精神病院地下室里 有官方的医疗文件记录着
In the cellars of the mental hospital there’s an official medical paper that states
你 我亲爱的 就是个精神分♥裂♥患者 那里有三份长长的谈话记录 还有你填的测试表格
that you,my dear are a schizophrenia,there are 3 long interviews with you, tests you filled out
还有你住院三个月期间的表现分♥析♥图
and graphs with your behavior recorded you in the 3 months of hospital
你的家庭病史也支持这个结论
Your family’s history supports the story.
这是刻在基因里的
It’s in the genes.
你生来就注定要疯
You were designed to be crazy.
我站在超♥市♥的收银台处
I am at the supermarket checkout counter,
买♥♥了一个菠萝 有机鸡腿
getting a pineapple, organic chicken thighs
还有一包糙米
and a pack of brown rice
忽然察觉到一阵微弱但熟悉的感觉
when I feel the faint but familiar feeling inside.
就像一根针
It is like a poke of a needle
插在了我胸腔深处 心脏的正下方
somewhere deep inside my chest, just below my heart.
哦 不 我心想
Oh, no! I think.
不要再来一次了
Not this again!
就要发作了 但我还没准备好
It is about to start and I am not ready for it.
我从来都没准备好过
I am never ready for it.
这无关于每天在我脑海里的那些白噪声
This is not about the white noise of my everyday thoughts,
那些怕我的家人朋友会发生什么可怕的事
that something terrible is about to happen to my family or my friends,
而我无能为力的恐惧感
and there is nothing I can do about it,
那种让我觉得自己是没用的垃圾 是最无礼的人类
that I am a useless piece of shit, the most offensive human being ever,
我所做的一切都是差劲的 对别人有害的
that everything I do is lame and harmful to other people,
我吊死自己将会是对人类的一大解脱的那些想法
that hanging myself would be a relief to humankind,
事实上 吊死自己 吊死自己 吊死自己
actually hanging myself, hanging myself, hanging myself…
我好像根本无法摆脱吊死自己的想法
It seems I can’t get away from the thought of hanging myself!
不 我说的并不是那些日常的想法
No, I am not talking about those everyday thoughts
那些好似我驾着一条船
that I navigate through like a ship in a sea
在满是暗礁与险滩的海上航行的想法
full of dangerous reefs and underwater rocks.
那都是我生活中正常的一部分 我知道如何指引自己
It’s a normal part of my life and I know how to steer my existence
在险恶的水域中掌舵前行
through those treacherous waters.
这次不一样
This is different.
每年有一两次
Once or twice a year,
突如其来 毫无理由地 一根小针就会从体内刺痛我
out of the blue for no reason at all, a little needle pokes me from the inside,
针♥刺♥引起的痛苦会逐渐长成一个巨大气球