口袋里的小石头（2014）

（第四个孩子 瑞尼斯）
她的心脏很弱
She had a weak heart.
医生给她开了心脏药
Her doctor prescribed her heart medicine.
我想那天晚上她是在睡觉之前
I think, she accidentally might have taken too much that night,
不小心吃了太多药
before going to sleep.
她是不小心药物过量死的？
She accidentally overdosed heart medicine?
战后时期 苏联最广泛使用的
The most popular medicine in the Soviet Union after the war
针对各种心脏问题的药就是地♥西♥泮♥片
prescribed for all heart conditions was Diazepam,
另一个名字是 安定
in other words, Valium.
它可以治疗各种病症 包括心悸
It was supposed to treat anything from heart palpitations
酗酒 过度焦虑
to alcoholism, to excessive anxiety
以及精神缺陷
to mental deficiency,
后者一直是让苏联医生头痛的疾病
which is what depression was for Soviet doctors.
（第六个孩子 奥思玛）
我当时不在 所以我也没办法告诉你
I was not there, so I cannot tell you.
我只知道她是在睡梦中死去的
I just know she died in her sleep
在她的床边有一个空的安♥眠♥药♥瓶
and there was an empty bottle of sleeping pills next to her bed.
（第八个孩子 马蒂斯）
我早上才发现她 因为她没有按平常的时间起来
I found her in the morning when she didn’t get up at her usual hour.
我想她是半夜心脏病发作
I think her heart was acting up at night
所以她吃了过量的药片 就是这么死的
so she took more medicine than prescribed and that did it.
那个床边的空瓶子里到底是什么呢
What exactly was in that bottle next to her bed?
你们有验过尸体吗
Did you do an autopsy?
噢 不需要吧
Oh, there was no need.
她的死因很正常
The causes of her death were natural.
她在睡梦中结束了生命 就是这么回事
She died in her sleep. End of story.
好吧 就这么着吧 她是在睡梦中死的
So.Let it be, she died in her sleep.
（帕特瑞斯 建筑师）
（罗塞姆 农学家）
（黛安娜 技术员）
（瑞尼斯 科学家）
（奥古斯特 工程师）
（奥思玛 会计师）
（桑塔 教授）
（马蒂斯 木匠）
她的八个孩子都在二战中存活了下来
Her eight children who all survived the Second World War
也渡过了战后艰难的日子 一直住在十分偏远的地方
as well as hard postwar years, living in a most remote place,
每个人都受过高等教育 有的甚至还是硕士
each got a college education and a few of them even masters degrees.
但他们仍觉得自己是艰难的幸存者
But they still felt like survivors
认为外界的任何人
and had a notion that no one from the outside
都不可能理解他们所经历的事
could possibly understand what they all went through.
他们形成了一个八人团体
They formed some sort of a club of 8
就像远古的神话那样
that promoted certain mythology
认为母亲就是宇宙的中心
That Mother was the center of the Universe!
他们从未说过一句母亲的不是
They never said an unkind word about her.
对于父亲 他们不是很了解
The father, they didn’t know him very well.
父亲最后的几年里 太年迈 也太深陷于
In his later years the father was too old and too wrapped
也太沉迷于写他那些尖刻的苏联政♥权♥观察笔记
in writing his bitter observational notes on the Soviet regime
并没有给予他的孩子们任何时间和关心
to really give time and attention to his young.
他的笔记如此怨毒 以至于他们中的一个兄弟
The notes were so venomous that when one of the brothers
在父亲死后发现了这些笔记时
discovered them after their father’s death,
就立刻都把它们烧了
he immediately burned them.
没必要因为一个死人的文章而惹麻烦
There was no need to get in trouble over a dead man’s paperwork.
而母亲 在他们看来则是完美的
The Mother, on the other hand, was perfect.
她就像一个挑着四十个桶水的圣人
She was The Forty Buckets of Water Carrying Saint,
确保自己生出的每一个孩子都活下来
making sure that everyone she gave birth to lived.
她因为过度劳累 也因为牵挂着那些
She died in her sleep from physical exhaustion
一个个远走他乡的孩子 而在睡梦中死去
and a worried heart about her children who each had flown out of her nest.
如果她是在睡梦中死去 那你又怎样解释
If she died in her sleep, how do you explain
10年前 有一个偷猎者把她从河里拽出来的事？
that a poacher dragged her fully clothed out of the river 10 years before?
而几年之后 一个邻居又做了同样的事情？
And that a neighbor did the same thing a few years later?
一个简单的判断失误嘛
A brief lapse of judgment.
她的生活很艰难 为什么你一直问呢
Her life was hard. Why are you asking?
我想弄清楚 自己脑袋中的兴奋和紧张从何而来
I want to know the origins of excitability and intensity of my brain,
我想明白 那些一股股穿过我的脑脂肪
I want to understand the electric surges that pass through the fat of my brain
像夜晚热闹的曼哈顿那样灯火通明的电流是什么东西
lighting it up like a nighttime Manhattan at the peak of late evening activities.
我想要知道那些短暂的休克
I want to know where the blackouts come from,
还有随之而来的痛苦折磨都是为什么
the pain and the suffering that follows.
那是你自己的大脑
It’s your own brain.
你的大脑怎么运作都是你自己的问题
The way it operates is your own fault.
你奶奶的艰难生活 是远远超过你想象的
Your grandmother had a life harder than you could even imagine.
别再问了 你这被宠坏的孩子
Leave her alone, you spoiled brat.
但是我的奶奶 就在我的脑海中♥央♥
But my grandmother must be at the center of my brain.
她站在水里 十分困惑 不明白为什么自己沉不下去
She is standing, confused, in the water, not understanding why she doesn’t sink.
我的想法同她一样
I think like her.
我想生存 但是我不想活着
I want to survive, but I don’t want to live.
当我的脑袋闲置时 它就开始吞噬自己
When my brain is idle, it starts eating itself.
如果她仅仅是死于睡眠中
If she died in her sleep,
为什么她热情善良的孙女米兰达
how come her warm, loving granddaughter Miranda
（第一个孙女 米兰达）
会在自己儿子出生不久后 就上吊自杀了呢
hung herself soon after her son was born?
我的堂姐米兰达 并没有把一切都想清楚
My cousin Miranda had not thought it out thoroughly, though.
这是一个让自己慢慢被勒死的计划
It was a plan of somewhat slow self-strangling
但她在时间上计算错误了
and she had some miscalculations in her timing too,
当她的丈夫外出工作回来
as her husband arrived from his errands
正好赶上把她从慢慢收紧的绳索中拉出来
just in time to pull her out of the slowly closing noose.
为此她一直都没有原谅他
She never forgave him.
你控制不了我的 总有一天我会避开你 完成这件事
You have no control over me. One day, despite you, I’ll carry it out.
她对他说
She told him.
可怜的男人 他深爱着自己的妻子 爱着她曾经的样子
Poor man, he was in love with his wife, and the way she used to be.
她曾是个活泼开朗的人
She used to have a lively spirit
她用艺术家的眼光看待这个世界
and her way of looking at the world was that of an artist.
色彩使她兴奋
The Colors excited her.
狂野 离奇的图像在她的想象中喷涌
Wild, surreal images flew through her imagination
就像一首首短小的视觉诗
like short visual poems.
事实上 她当时就在学习艺术 而且并没有结婚的打算
In fact, she was studying art and had no intentions to marry.
也许正是这一点吸引了这个男人
Maybe this was what appealed to the man,
去征服这样一个美丽优雅
the challenge of a nice, decent woman
想成为艺术家的女人
who wanted to be an artist.
他定下了这样一个难以攻克的目标
He had set his eye on a difficult goal
对米兰达和她的家人展开攻势 以求得芳心
and had to apply pressure on Miranda and her family to get his prize.
他也是一个风度翩翩的男子啊 不要错过他
He was a dashing fellow, too, not to dismiss his charms.
一个夏日夜晚
One summer night
米兰达带着我去寻找野兰花
Miranda took me to look for wild orchids.
那正是夏至前后的短暂时光
It was the brief moment around Summer Solstice
一切事物都盛放着光彩
when everything explodes with blooming.
大自然用它的方式来保证种子和水果赶快成熟
Nature’s way of assuring that seeds and fruit ripen
以防八月下旬的第一次霜降摧毁它们的生长
just before the first frost in late August kills life and growth.
草地上弥漫着百合花的味道 暖洋洋的空气包围着我们
The meadows smelled of lilies and the warm air embraced us.
这个美妙的夜晚让我们感觉很亲近 我们都感受到了鲜花的气味
The magic of the night made us feel close, we both reacted to the smell of flowers,
它们的颜色和形状也同样让人兴奋
the colors and shapes with the same excitement.
但是那一刻 我们之间也略微有所不同
But there was a slight difference between us at that moment.
对于16岁的我 世界充满了期待
The world seemed full of promise to the 16 year old me.
但是对于22岁的她 这种期待已经接近尾声
But to her, at age 22, it was closing in.
这是我的最后一个夏天了 她悲伤地说
This is my last summer.She said sadly.
我以为她是说 这是最后一个作为单身的夏天
I thought she meant the last summer as a single woman.
你不必非要结婚呀 我告诉她
You don’t have to marry! I told her.
我不得不取悦那些我爱的人
I have to please the people I love.
她有些含糊地说
She said somewhat cryptically.
她在秋天结婚了
She married that fall.
我在她的婚礼上哭了两个小时 对我来说就像葬礼一样
I spent two hours crying at her wedding. It felt like death to me.
我最后一次见到米兰达时 她正在给自己的第一个孩子喂奶
The last time I saw Miranda, she was breast-feeding her first child,
没过多久她就试图自杀 却仅仅被当做是得了产后抑郁症
soon after her attempted suicide which was written off as postpartum depression.
精神疾病被认为是一种意志的失败
Mental illness was considered a failing of one’s will,
是性格软弱的表现 因此也被视为罪恶
a sign of weak character and thus a sin.
而产后抑郁症 则是一个人的性格由于荷尔蒙失衡
Postpartum depression, on the other hand, was a temporary lapse of one’s character,
而造成的短暂崩溃 因此更容易被人接受
explained by a hormonal disbalance and thus more acceptable.
那个新生儿是我见过最漂亮的孩子
The newborn was the most beautiful baby I had ever seen.
和他的妈妈在一起 两个人看起来就像圣母玛利亚和小耶稣
Together with his mother they looked like Madonna and baby Christ.
但不同的是 米兰达的眼神游移他处
Except, Miranda’s eyes weren’t quite present,
好像在看着一个其他人都看不到的东西
as if she was looking at something that nobody else could see.
我跟她说起夏天一起散步去找野兰花的事
I reminded her of our walk looking for wild orchids the summer before.
她却没有任何反应
It meant nothing to her.
我感到自己年轻的心被背叛而刺痛
I felt betrayal stab my young heart.
她在水中 渐渐地远去 也不会再回头了
She was in the river, far away from me, and she was not turning back.
她的丈夫仍旧爱着她
The husband, who still loved her,