口袋里的小石头（2014）

and the pain it causes gradually grows into an enormous balloon
压倒我并不算娇小和脆弱的身体
overpowering my not so small or frail body.
这个气球是中空的
This balloon is empty inside,
但是它的边缘就像有几百个刀片切割着我的灵魂
but its edges are like hundreds of razorblades slashing my soul.
整整漫长的六周 我能感受到的只有空虚与疼痛
For six long weeks, all I feel is emptiness and pain.
当我走回住♥宅♥门口时 我已经痛得无法呼吸了
When I get to the door of my building, the pain is so strong that I can’t breathe.
食品袋子都要拿不动了
I can barely hold the grocery bags.
嗨
Hi!
我友好的邻居走出电梯 向我打招呼
My friendly neighbor says, walking out of the elevator.
你好吗
How are you?
她习惯了我的友善 我现在也不想让她失望
She is used to my friendliness and I don’t want to disappoint her now.
我很好 我说
I am good. I say.
我觉得自己很虚伪 像个冒充者
I feel like a fake, an imposter.
我强挤出来的半个微笑几乎撕裂了我的面部肌肉
The half smile I force on my mouth almost cracks my facial muscles.
很疼
It hurts.
你好吗
How are you?
我希望邻居不会发现我的眼神其实已经没了焦点
I am hoping my neighbor won’t notice that my eyes are actually blank,
我既没有寻常的温暖感觉 也并不友好
that I don’t feel the usual warmth, nor friendliness,
而是已经被一股庞大到超出承受能力的东西所控制
that I am possessed by something bigger than I can hold,
我努力掩藏几乎无法忍♥受的痛苦
intolerable pain that I try to hide, ashamed to show it to people
耻于向并没有义务听我抱怨的人表现
who are not paid to listen to my troubles.
因为这疼痛如此沉重
Because with the weight of the pain so great
我怎么能依靠其他人呢
how can I lean on another person?
它也许会把他们也压倒
It might take them down, too.
而他们并不应受此苦
And they don’t deserve that.
内里的疼痛每时每刻都在增长
The pain inside grows bigger and bigger with each moment.
几乎要撑破我的皮囊
Now only my skin defines its limits.
我完全被埋没在了痛苦之中
The pain owns me completely.
当我走进我的公♥寓♥ 把食品袋放在桌上之后
By the time I walk into my apartment and put the groceries down on the counter
我已经准备好 并情愿做任何事来停止我的疼痛
I am ready and willing to do anything to stop the pain.
我渴望地看着一把菜刀
I look at a kitchen knife with longing.
以前我曾经在自己手上捻♥灭同学的香烟
Some time ago I used to extinguish my college friends’ cigarettes on my hands
用肉体的疼痛分散内心的痛苦
to distract the inner pain with physical pain.
但是现在我长大了 我已经懂得了
But I am older now and I have learned that
在自己的皮肤上烧洞只是在放纵自己的疯狂
burning holes in your skin is indulging your insanity,
而不是与它抗争
not fighting it.
我什么都不能做 只能挨过去
There is nothing I can do. I have to weather it out.
我必须挨过去 忍♥受这些发热与疼痛的症状
I have to get through it, suffer the symptoms, the fever, aches,
希望时间能解决一切
hoping that time will take care of it.
（第一块石头 恐惧）
(第二块石头 痛苦)
好笑的是 这一次发病过去后
The funny thing is, I don’t acquire immunity
(第三块石头 强迫性思考)
我也不会获得免疫力
after this bout of sickness.
(第四块石头 迷惑)
它就像钟摆一样 还会再卷土重来
Like a pendulum, it comes swinging back.
(第五块石头 负罪感)
(第六块石头 自残行为)
我当然记得那些五颜六色的
I do remember the pink, green and yellow pills
我的拉脱维亚医生坚持让我吃的药片
that my Latvian doctor insisted I take.
我才不会吃那些药片
I do not take those pills.
它们能缓和我的疼痛 让它变得较易忍♥受
They would dull my pain, make it more endurable.
但药片的软枕会包覆住我的存在
The soft pillow of pills would enwrap my existence
会歪曲信念
and distort the perspective.
我的信念 那种我必须
My perspective, which is that
走在疯狂与理智中间的刀刃上
I have to walk the thin line between sanity and insanity,
保持住那脆弱平衡的信念
keeping a fragile balance.
如果我的疼痛被缓解了 我或许会忘了我容易发疯的事实
If my pain is dulled, I might forget that I am prone to insanity
进而做出一个
and might make a decision
只有正常人才能做的决定
that only normal people are allowed to make.
比如买♥♥个房♥子 结婚 再生孩子
Like, buy a house, get married, have children again.
我不犯错误
I make no mistakes.
我用工作实现自己的命运
I work to fulfill my destiny.
我不是妓♥女♥ 不是流浪者 也不酗酒不吸毒
I am not a whore, nor a bohemian,I don’t excessively drink nor do drugs.
我是社区中可敬的一份子
I am a respected member of my community.
我是个工作中的艺术家
I am a working artist.
这就是我正在进行的工作
This is my work in progress.
我必须活下去 来完成这个作品
I have to continue to live to complete it.
我敲响了邻居的房♥门
I knock on the door of my neighbor.
嘿 听说你准备派对都快忙晕了
Hey, you said you are a bit overwhelmed with preparation for your party.
我能帮你做点什么吗
Can I help you with anything?
她眼睛都亮了 那太好了 谢谢你
Her eyes light up.That would be amazing! Thank you!
当她在厨房♥匆忙准备着15种不同的菜肴时
While she is hastily managing 15 different dishes in the kitchen,
我坐在客厅里的一张桌子旁边
I sit at a living room table,
耐心地在有色纸板上剪着一个写着40的字样
patiently cutting a sign that says 40 out of a coloured cardboard .
她的老公马上要40岁了 这是为他准备的惊喜派对
Her husband is turning 40 and this is a surprise party for him.
在太阳系的尺度上衡量
The sign I am cutting out is pretty meaningless
我剪的数字没什么意义
on the scale of the Solar System,
明天它就将被扔进垃圾堆 并被彻底忘记
tomorrow it’ll be thrown out in the garbage and forgotten.
但今天 它是我和别人之间的连接纽带
But today it connects me with people.
当宾客进来时
As the guests come in
我带他们到放外套的地方 并将吧台指给他们
I show them where to put their coats and point them to the bar.
我们聊天 我们大笑
We chat. We laugh.
我动了动我掩饰疼痛的面具上的肌肉
I move the muscles of the mask that covers my pain.
让它重新变成一张脸该有的样子
It becomes a face again.
温暖与爱的感觉融化了一点点疼痛
The feeling of warmth and love melts a small part of my pain.
我是人类社会中小小的一份子
I am a tiny particle in the bigger body of humanity.
意识到这一点 并向别人伸出手臂
Acknowledging it and extending my hand to other people
这把我从拿菜刀割腕的边缘拯救了回来
saves me from slashing my wrists with a kitchen knife.
当我妈妈打开我房♥门的时候
I was reading the complete works of Victor Hugo
我正在第二次读维克多-雨果全集
for the second time when my mother opened the door.
不要失礼 快来跟亲戚们打招呼
Don’t be rude. Come and greet your visiting relatives.
但是妈妈 我正读到有意思的地方
But mom! I am at the most interesting place!
把书放下 亲戚又不会一直在
Put the book down. The relatives won’t be here forever.
书可以等等再读嘛
The book will wait.
一声叹息我放下了书 生气地出去见亲戚
With a sigh I put the book down and grumpily went to see the relatives.
由于某些原因 我曾认为与人交谈是浪费时间
for some reason I saw talking to people as a waste of time.
他们似乎既不能提供一本好书所带来的快乐
They never seemed to offer the rapture that a good book did,
又不能像书中的人物一样
nor did they possess an interesting character
拥有令人感兴趣的性格
like the people in a book.
而且 从我安静的个人世界走进一个满是亲戚的客厅
Besides, coming from my personal quiet to a living room full of relatives
总会让我不适应 像是一脚踏进了冰水
was always a shock, like entering cold water.
但是一旦我入了水 它很快就会变暖了
But once I was in that water, it soon became warm.
那些流言八卦的小片段 对邻居们的各种评头论足
The little snippets of gossip, the judgments rendered of the neighbors,
总有故事让你听 总有角色让你看
there were always stories to be heard, some characters to examine.
我只不过需要努力一下就行了
I just had to make an effort.
是我妈妈♥逼♥我做出了这个努力
An effort my mother made me make.
我将永远感激我的母亲
I do feel grateful to her forever
感激她让我养成了出去与人交谈的习惯
for forming a habit of going out and talking to people.
因为活生生的人告诉你的故事
Because the stories the voices of live people tell you
跟只有你自己能听到的声音所讲的故事
are very different from the stories
是非常非常不一样的
told by the voices that no one but you hear.
理智而有活力的活着 是每天都要做出的努力
Being alive and sane is an every day effort.
就在入睡前 我看到了一个幻象
Right before sleep I have a fantasy
在1949年一个阴郁的四月天
that I am passing by my grandparents’ house
我路过我奶奶家的房♥子
on an overcast April day in 1949.
我看见我奶奶安娜穿戴整齐
I see my grandmother Anna fully clothed
站在一条浅浅的河里
standing in the shallow river.
虽然那时她只有40岁 但是看起来老多了
Although 40 years old at that time, she looks much older.
我跑到岸边一脚踏进冰冷的水里
I run to the edge of the bank and step into the cold water
冰水刺痛了我的大腿和肚子
that stings my thighs and stomach.
安娜 我喊她
Anna! I call out to her.
她回过身来 满脸是泪
She turns around, her face streaming with tears.
她的呼吸又急又浅
She is breathing fast and shallow.
我走近她 想抱一下她
I approach her and would like to hug her
但是我们从没见过 几乎算是陌生人
but as we’ve never met we are practically strangers.
而且 我家就没有拥抱的习惯
Besides, my family is not big on hugging.
我希望即使没有拥抱 她也能感受到我的关心
I hope that she’d know somehow without the hug that I care.
来 拿着这些
Here, take this.
我从我口袋里掏出六块重重的石头
I pull out of my pockets six heavy rocks,
一只手拿三块 递到她面前
three in each hand, and I stretch them forward so she can take them.
你把它们放进你的口袋里
You put them in your pockets
然后躺到河底就行了
and then you just lie down at the bottom of the river.
我解释道