那不就是没消息吗
That’s just no news.
那我们现在该怎么办？
So what do we do now?
你懂的 – 我不懂啊
You know. – I don’t know.
如果A计划不管用…
If plan A didn’t work…
要不你去说吧？ – 我才不要，这是你的狗，你可以的
Hey, can you go up there? -No man, this is your dog. You got it.
我太焦虑了，我待在这种地方就会很焦虑
I’m too anxious, man. I’m anxious being in here.
别怂啊，把它看作是一次成长的经历，你懂吧？
Come on, man. Think about it as a growing experience, you know?
为你的进步添砖加瓦，没问题的，上吧
Adding to your progress. You got this. Here we go.
嗨 – 你好呀
Hi. -Hello.
你好，有什么可以帮到你？
Hi there. How can I help you?
呃…
Um…
你这里有卖♥♥…
Do you sell the, um…
…紧急避孕药嘛？
…the Plan B pill here?
嗯，有啊
Yes, we do.
你们有卖♥♥啊
You do.
通常我们会对要开这类处方药的
I mean, we generally do a short consultation
患者进行简单的问询
with the patient who we’ll be prescribing it to.
噢，好吧
Oh, okay.
她…她就在这呢
I mean, she’s… she’s right here.
要问什么…她是…
What kind of, uh… Yeah, she’s…
他搞大了她的肚子
He got the bitch pregnant.
噢，这样啊
Oh, yeah.
你们两个就是帮狗狗做孕检的白♥痴♥吧
You’re the two morons who got the pregnancy test for your dog.
我的同事已经在后面笑了你们十分钟了
Yeah. They’ve been laughing at you in the back for the last ten minutes.
不是… – 好吧
Is that not… -Okay.
你知道像紧急避孕药这样的医疗资源 对于大多数美国人来说
Do you know how inaccessible this kind of health care is
有多难获得吗？
to most people across America?
你们想让我二话不说就拿给你们
And you want me to just hand it over to you
你就可以把它塞到一块奶酪里
so you can put it in a piece of cheese.
或者再抹点花生酱
Maybe smear some peanut butter on it.
我没打算抹…
I wasn’t gonna wrap it in…
我还没想得那么远 – 想把药塞进狗狗零食里，是吧？
I hadn’t really thought that far. -Put it in a Beggin’ Strip, you know?
不是不是 – 不是吗？
No. No. -No? Yeah?
你们的计划是什么？
What was the plan?
这就是计划吗？这是你们的全盘计划？
Was this the plan? This was the whole plan?
你们就打算过来跟我强调“这么做都是为了狗狗”
You were gonna come in, swing hard on the “it’s for a dog” angle.
甚至都不愿意撒谎说是买♥♥来给人吃的
Not even broach a lie that it’s for a human woman.
然后我就会说“好啊，我们来给狗狗吃避孕药吧”
And I was gonna be like, “Yeah, guys. Let’s do it.”
呃…
Uh…
我们希望是这样 – 是嘛？
We’d hoped. -Yeah?
我们要不直接去嗑点安非他明算了？
Why don’t we just go snort some fuckin’ Adderall?
显然你们觉得我可以随便从架子上拿药给别人
‘Cause apparently I can just grab some stuff off the shelf and give it to anyone.
这样吧，我可以给你们提供一个解决方案
Okay, I have one solution I can offer you.
我们绕到药店后面去
We’ll go around back,
我给你那条哈巴狗做个秘密堕胎之类的
and I’ll give your fuckin’ pug a back-alley abortion or whatever.
你可以这么干吗？ – 不行，我他妈当然不能这么干！
Can you do that? -No, I can’t fucking do that!
她不能这么干！ – 好啦，知道了
She can’t do that! -Right. Yes, okay.
我不能这么干，因为我不是兽医，你得去找个兽医
I can’t do that because I’m not a vet. You need to go to a vet.
兽医太贵了，而且我现在随时都有可能失业
Vets are really expensive, and I could lose my job any day now.
我是他的老板
I’m his boss.
那也太可怕了，希望你们的工作不怎么重要
That’s terrifying. I hope you don’t work in anything important.
他在那个精神分♥析♥师身上花了好多钱
He’s spending a lot of his money on that psychoanalyst.
那叫治疗师，老兄，我们能不能别…
It’s a therapist, man. Can we not…
我一点都不关心你们的事 – 只是跟她说一声
I absolutely don’t care about this. -Just letting her know.
你要去找个兽医看看 – 对
You need to go to a vet. – Yep.
如果你负担不起
And if you can’t afford that,
那你就要去联♥系♥孩子父亲的主人了
you need to get in touch with the owner of the father.
啊！
Ah!
她说的是钱宁·塔图姆的老妈 – 你们他妈是哪个星球来的？
She talkin’ about Channing Tatum’s mom. -What the fuck planet do you guys live on?
这不重要…它…- 就是狗狗的妈妈
It doesn’t matter. It’s… It… -The mom to the doggy.
过来一下，过来
Come here. Come here.
立刻…从我的眼前消失
Now… get the fuck out of my face.
好的
Yeah.
你这主意真♥他♥妈♥蠢
It’s a stupid fuckin’ idea.
我觉得你得打电♥话♥给那位妮可老妹了 – 想都别想
I think you gotta call that girl, Nicole. -That’s not happening.
准备好动用你所有的感官来品味
Prepare to experience food with all your senses.
真挺棒的
It’s really nice.
是吧，它会让你对现实产生质疑
Yes, it makes you question reality.
汤
Soup.
不好意思，你们有勺…
Oh, excuse me, do you have a…
啊！是时候来享受触感了
Ah! It is now time to enjoy the sense of touch.
好的吧
Okay.
操，还真烫啊
Shit, that’s really hot.
很美味
It’s delicious.
下一道菜是…嗅觉
The next course is, uh, smell.
真美味啊
Delicious.
美味喔
Delicious.
噢！
Oh!
这个咸咸的，是面包，很好吃
It’s salty. It’s bready. It’s tasty.
真悦耳
Delizioso.
是吧
Yeah.
嘿，你没有沉浸其中吗？
Hey, are you not vibing this?
你想去吃点真正的食物吗？
Do you want to get some real food?
想，我太想了
Yes. Yes, I do.
那让我们离开这吧？ – 噢，好啊
Well, let’s get out of here, huh? -Oh, okay.
双份鸡肉 – 谢谢
Two-piece chicken. -Thank you.
谢谢你愿意陪我来吃街边摊
Thanks for being, uh, cool with this.
开什么玩笑？我可喜欢快餐车了
Are you kidding me? I love food trucks.
是吧？ – 嗯嗯
Right? -Mm-hmm.
他们说走就走 转瞬即逝的特点很有意思
There’s something about their transient nature.
机不可失，要及时享用
You gotta enjoy it while it’s here.
你这话还挺有深意啊
That’s almost sorta deep.
我就像无边泳池一样高深莫测
I’m very deep. Like infinity pool.
非常抱歉，这个号♥码不停打给我
I’m so sorry. This number keeps calling me.
为什么现在的人非要打视频电♥话♥？
Why can’t people just do normal phone calls?
呃，可能是有急事，你能稍等一下吗？
Um, this might be an emergency. Could you just hold on?
我的天…
Oh, my God…
嘿，是这样… – 嗯，我去去就回
Hey. So, um… -Um, yeah, I’ll just be right back.
你搞什么鬼？我都让你把我的号♥码删了
What the fuck? I said lose my number.
既然你都要当奶奶了，我没法删啊
Well, I can’t when you’re gonna be a grandmother.
你胡说八道什么呢，你有病吧？
What are you talking about, you psychopath?
等…等一下，不，这绝对不可能
W… Wait a sec… No. No way. That’s not even possible.
是有可能的，因为已经发生了
No, it’s possible. It’s possible because it’s happening.
现在就是这么个情况，这事已经发生了，所以是有可能的
That’s what’s happening right now. It’s happening now, so it’s possible.
好吧，反正钱宁·塔图姆不是孩子的爹
Okay, well, Channing Tatum is not the father.
但克洛伊也没有跟别人做过啊
Well, Chloe hasn’t been sleeping around.
真的吗？她在公园的时候看上去挺随便的
Really? Well, she seemed kind of free with herself at the park.
不好意思，你是在对我的狗进行“荡♥妇♥羞辱”吗？
Hold on. I’m sorry. Are you slut-shaming my dog?
注：荡♥妇♥羞辱（slut-shaming）常用来描述让一个人，尤其是女性，为自己的某种性行为或性♥欲♥感到羞耻或低人一等的行为
你听我说，钱宁连蛋蛋都没有了，明白吗？
Listen to me. Channing does not even have balls, okay?
等一下…你说什么…你怎么知道的？
Hold on… What do you… How do you know that?
如果有蛋 我肯定会注意到的，而且兽医都检查过了，他已经绝育了
I think I would have noticed his balls. And the vet checked, okay? He’s neutered.
好吧，那也有小鸡鸡啊 – 什么？
Okay, well, he has a penis. -What?
对啊，他肯定有小鸡鸡啊，但鸡鸡要有蛋才能…
Yes, of course he has a penis, but you need balls for the penis…
我现在没空跟你吵 – 噢，你现在没空？
I can’t do this right now. -Oh, you can’t do this?
等一下，克洛伊怎么会没绝育？
Wait, how come Chloe wasn’t spayed?
她原本是要去的，她眼看就要绝育了
Yeah, well, she was gonna be. She was about to be.
我都打算要带她去会诊的，结果就被你的野狗给骑了
I was gonna take her to an appointment, and then your mutt mounted her.
你管谁叫野狗呢？ – 你的狗就是野狗
Oh, who are you calling a mutt? -I’m calling your mutt a mutt.
是啊，那野狗也好过骚狗！
Yeah, well, it’s better a mutt than a slut!
哇
Wow.
我真是服了
Oh, my God.
非常抱歉
I am so sorry about that.
小事小事，别担心
Chill, chill, chill, chill, chill. No worries.
你刚刚说到哪了… – 我一早还要做声音浴
So you were saying that… -I got an early sound bath,
今天就先到这吧
so I should call it.
谢谢你陪我出来 – 好吧…
Thanks for hanging. -Okay. Um…
我们明天就开工吧
Let’s get down to work tomorrow.
到了，那些小狗崽最好不是你搞出来的
Okay, these puppies better not be yours.
走吧
Come on.
…说不定屁♥眼♥里塞了大富翁棋子呢，小时候常有的事啊