You killed it on the bridge.
没有啦，你唱得才好吧
Uh, no, you killed it. Oh, my God.
目测这间酒吧里没有适合搞一♥夜♥情♥的男生
Yeah, there are zero one-night-standable guys in this bar.
吓我一跳
Oh, my God.
什么鬼？
Seriously?
克洛伊，你在搞什么…
Chloe, what are you…
你非要大半夜玩玩具吗？
You need this right now?
好吧，等一下
Okay, hold on.
好了
Okay.
噢
Oh.
你好啊
Hi.
你是哪位？
Who are you?
外卖♥♥小哥
Delivery guy.
我很乐意接受你的外卖♥♥服务喔
Well, I’m willing to receive a delivery.
那方面的服务
Of a guy.
拉胡尔点的泰式牛肉炒河粉
Pad thai with beef for Rahul.
算了吧
No, okay.
我帮你一把
Here you go.
门开了
All right.
祝你有个愉快的夜晚，外卖♥♥小哥
Have a good night, delivery guy.
谢谢你 – 回见啦
Thank you. -See ya.
哎
Ugh.
嘿，黑伊姆
Hey, Chaim.
哦不好意思，哈伊姆
Oh, I’m sorry. Chaim.
你好呀，是我
Hello, it’s me.
注：这里的let people in是一语双关，女主帮外卖♥♥小哥开门了，也是let him in
我只是想告诉你，我可以和别人亲近
Listen, I just wanted to let you know that I can let people in.
我和很多人都亲近过
I actually let so many people in.
除了你而已
Everyone in but you.
我也具备爱的能力，我谢谢你大爷
And I am capable of love, so thank you.
晚安，再见
And good night. Goodbye.
傻♥逼♥
Idiot.
伙计，你还在这呢？
Buddy, you’re still here?
哎哟，你别这样
Oh, man. No.
别像人一样盯着我看
Don’t look at me like a person.
行吧行吧，你进来吧
Okay. All right. Come on.
我们只是一♥夜♥情♥的关系，明白吗？
One-night stand, all right?
来吧
Let’s go.
请自便
Make yourself at home.
抱歉，家里有点乱
Oh, sorry about the mess. Just…
放点音乐
Put some music on.
先小酌一杯
Just gonna make a drink.
不可以吃！不不不不不
Oh! No! Ooh, no, no, no. No.
那份拉面已经放了好几周了
That lo mein is, like, weeks old.
好臭啊
Oh, God.
那是你身上的味道还是面的味道？
Is that you or is that the noodles?
来吧，我们去洗香香
Come on, we’ll get you washed up.
来吧伙计，跟我走
Come on. Come on, buddy.
接下来 让我们来挑挑护发素吧？
Okay, next up, let’s talk conditioner, shall we?
你喜欢强韧发质的摩洛哥坚果精油
Would you like argan oil to strengthen,
还是可以使毛发更浓密的椰奶精油？
or coconut milk to thicken?
咋样？
Hmm?
坚果油？
Argan oil?
你可真聪明呀，选得好
Yeah. Smart dog. Solid choice.
搞定，让我们来看一眼
Done. Okay, let’s take a peek. Okay.
一二三
One, two, three.
哇哦
Oh, wow.
瞧瞧这个小帅哥！
Look at you, handsome!
仿佛我怀里抱的是钱宁·塔图姆（著名男演员）
It’s like I’m looking at Channing Tatum.
没错，镜子里的帅哥就是你
Yeah. There’s you.
克洛伊，我不知道你在干啥，但你吵到我睡觉了
Chloe, whatever you’re doing is loud. I’m trying to sleep.
你是想挖个坑吗？
Are you trying to dig a hole?
谢谢你
Thank you.
你肯定是我约过体毛最旺盛的床伴
Definitely woken up next to hairier, that’s for sure.
早上好啊
Good morning.
不行，早上不亲热
No. No morning-after makeouts.
好啦
Okay. All right.
是时候来找找你的主人了
Time to find your person.
我们的小帅哥有32磅重（14公斤左右）
We have 32 pounds.
他身体状况不错啊
He’s in great shape.
你是个壮小伙，对不对？你可真厉害
You’re a tough guy, aren’t you? You’re a real tough guy.
壮小伙，你多大啦？你可以告诉我吗？
Hey, tough guy, how old are you? Can you tell me?
“噢，我两岁啦”
“Oh, I’m two years old, yes.”
他说他两岁了
He says he’s two years old.
是不是很可爱？ – 好可爱喔
Isn’t that cute? You know what? -Okay. Adorable.
奇怪的是
Here’s an odd thing.
我没看到他的睾丸，应该已经绝育过了，但还没有注射芯片
I don’t see any testicles, so he’s been neutered, but no chip.
俗称“两蛋一芯” – 呃…
So two snips, zero chips. -Um…
你是不是在一家商店外面找到他的，旁边还有一块牌子
Did you find him outside of a store with a sign reading,
写着“没芯片，没蛋蛋，没开业”？
“No chips, no balls, no service”?
好吧 – 我们玩得多开心
Okay. -We have fun here.
那我该怎么办？我该做些什么？
So what do I do then? What am I supposed to do?
你要做的第一件事就是帮他驱虫打疫苗
Well, the first thing you should do is get him some shots for worms,
因为他曾是只流浪狗，有寄生虫是很常见的
because he was a stray, and that’s very common.
人类也很容易被传染上
And it’s also extremely common for humans to ingest them.
你检查过你的大便了吗？
So have you checked your stools yet?
我的大便？ – 看有没有寄生虫
My stool? -For worms.
卧♥槽♥，我没注意看
Holy shit. No, I haven’t.
说不定还能找到大富翁棋子呢，如果你以前试过把它塞进屁♥眼♥里的话
And maybe for an old Monopoly piece if you ever shoved one of those up your butt.
能不能别这么恶心 – 常有的事嘛
Jesus Christ. Okay. All right. -It happens.
小时候不是经常这么干吗
It happens when you’re a kid.
好啦朋友，祝你好运吧
All right, well, good luck, pal.
是这么个情况…
Um, okay, well, the thing is…
我感觉他会成为你的好狗狗
He’s gonna be a great dog for you, I think.
关键是，我…我现在不能养狗
The thing is, I just… I can’t have a dog right now.
我真的很忙，我都夜不归宿的 – 你很忙吗？
I’m really busy. I’m never home. -You’re busy?
是啊，工作…忙得要死
Yeah, work, is… It’s crazy.
这么忙的吗，所以你是干啥的？ – 真的很忙
It’s crazy. Yeah. So what do you do? -Right now, yeah.
你是长途卡车司机之类的吗？还是钻井平台工人或者神经外科医生？
Are you like a long-haul trucker, or you work on an oil rig or neurosurgeon?
我是个房♥屋售前设计师 – 啊
I’m a home stager. -Ah.
专为顶奢豪♥宅♥服务，这工作可不容小觑，所以…
Yeah, for high-end luxury real estate. It’s kind of a big deal, so…
你还想让她当你的主人吗？“算了吧，她看上去好自私”
Do you still want her to be your owner? “Probably not. She seems selfish.”
她不是自私啦，她只是太忙了
Hey, she’s not selfish. She’s just busy.
你没必要通过狗来跟我说话的 – 控制不住呀，他非常健谈的
You don’t have to talk through the dog. -I can’t help it. He’s very talkative.
好吧
Okay.
算了，没关系的，你别操心这事了
You know what? That’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
不要为了任何人或任何事 改变你的生活方式
Don’t adjust your lifestyle for anything or anybody.
你说啥？
Excuse me?
抱歉，我把我内心的想法说出来了
Sorry. That was an inner thought.
我认为你应该在58同城上发个帖子，也可以贴几张传♥单♥
I think you should post on Nextdoor, maybe put up a few flyers,
如果没什么回音的话
and if you don’t hear anything,
那就带他去宠物收♥容♥所♥呗
you know, take him to an animal shelter, I guess.
收♥容♥所♥会负责给他找个家吧？ – 嗯…也不一定
They’ll find him a home, right? -Yeah, probably not.
你还不如赶紧把这包袱甩掉…贴些传♥单♥
You might as well get it over with… put up the flyers,
然后做好 见到他被遗弃在垃圾箱里的心理准备吧
and then get ready to see this guy in the dumpster.
我一般不会在大家散步的时间段出来的
Typically I wouldn’t be outside during a pedestrian hour,
史无前例
or ever,
但总好过你尿在我家的地板上
but it’s better you pee out here than on my floor.
所以你赶紧方便吧，拉完我们就走…
So, just get it done, and then we’ll go…
天呐
Oh, my God.
我真是操了 – 你好啊朋友
Oh, God. Fuck. No. -Hi, friends.
克洛伊，别去别去别去 – 这是谁呀？
Chloe, no, no, no, no, no. -And who is this?
她叫… – 太可爱了吧！
Uh, she’s… -Oh, so adorable!
过来摸摸，让叔叔摸摸
Come here, you. Come here.
她叫克洛伊 – 来摸摸
She’s, uh, Chloe. -Come here. Come here.
太可爱了
So adorable.
噢！
Oh. Oh!
我的天 – 真是有当缉毒犬的天赋
Oh, my God. Yeah. -Such a sniffer.
好了
All right.
你能不能…
Um, could you just…
行行好…谢谢你
Okay. Please, um, just… Thank you.