Is your family here? They live here?
你真幽默，我喜欢幽默的人 – 我幽默吗？
You’re funny. I like funny. -I’m funny?
是的，你很幽默
You’re funny, yes.
你怎么能这么洒脱？
How’d you get to be so chill?
什么？ – 而且你…
What? -Plus, uh…
（意大利语）
什么？我听不懂… – Bellissima（意大利语）
What? I don’t… -Bellissima.
噢
Oh.
就是“很美”的意思
Beautiful.
噢，悠着点
Oh. Oh, oh. Okay.
嘘
Shh.
请你安静点，别乱碰 – 嘘
Please be quiet. Don’t touch anything. -Shh. Shh.
好小的房♥子啊
It’s tiny.
很温馨的
It’s charming.
好了，我得先去遛狗 – 温馨啊
Okay, I’m gonna walk the dogs. -Charming.
快看，小狗狗！
Ah, look, like, little dogs!
嘘，请你不要碰任何东西
Shh. Please don’t touch anything.
不不不
No, no, no.
求你了，眼看手勿动
Please. No touching. Shh.
这人是谁？什么情况…
Who is this? What’s…
嘿
Hey.
呃，这位是亨特
Uh, this is Hunter.
我是她的老板
I’m her boss.
你是谁啊？ – 这是我家
Who are you? -I live here.
这位是麦克斯，他是我的…室友
This is Max. He’s my… roommate.
可爱捏，室友喔
Ah, cute. Roommates.
多个室友就有点不够住了吧
Eh, a little small for a roommate.
噢
Oh
嘿，别动！
Hey. Hey, no, no, no, no, no!
我好像断了一颗牙！ – 把那个给我
I think I broke a tooth! -Give that to me.
别紧张 – 那些都是收藏品啊，大哥！
Relax. -Those are collectibles, man!
那我就给你买♥♥个新的嘛 – 给我买♥♥个新的….
So I’ll buy you a new one. -Buy me a new…
我能私下跟你聊聊吗？
Can I talk to you for a second in privacy, please?
好，哎哟…
Yeah. Oh, my… Jesus.
别紧张嘛，我给你再买♥♥10个，20个
Relax. I’ll buy you 10, 20.
这王八蛋是谁啊？你竟然会带这种人回来？
Who is this douchebag? Did you seriously bring a guy back here?
我说过我今晚会回来遛狗啊
I said that I was gonna walk the dogs tonight.
我只是想帮帮你
I’m just trying to help out.
你带了个意大利佬回我家，这也叫帮我吗？
You’re trying to help by bringing Italian Fabio back to the house?
对啊，他是Crypt-Yo的CEO啊
Yeah. He’s the CEO of Crypt-Yo.
Crypt-Yo是他妈什么玩意？
What the fuck is Crypt-Yo?
就是我负责包装的那个房♥子，这对我真的很重要
It’s the house that I’m staging. It’s really important to me.
你给这个王八蛋包装房♥子…
You’re staging a house for this mother…
嘿！别动！
Hey! No!
嘿，马上把它还给我！
Hey. Give that back to me right now!
这东西你买♥♥不到的，仅此一根啊，你个混♥蛋♥！
You can’t buy me a new one. It’s irreplaceable, you dick!
你…把它给我，我真的无语了
Do… Give it to me. Oh, my God.
麦克斯，我真的很抱歉，请你别再碰狗了
Max, I’m really sorry. Oh, please don’t touch the dogs.
不不不不 – 噢，小狗狗！
Hey, no, no, no, no. -Oh, little puppy!
别他妈乱动我的狗，明白吗？
Do not fuck with my dog, okay?
老兄，乖乖给老子坐下，不然我就打爆你的小屁屁
Bro, sit the fuck down or I’m gonna give you a spanking like a little baby.
我们能不能…先别激动
Can we just… Let’s not.
欠揍是吧？
You like that? Huh?
混♥蛋♥，想干架是吗？
Jerker. You want it, huh?
你个骚猪，性…性感的家伙
Bitch pig, huh? Spunk… Spunk man, huh?
性感？
Spunk?
吓老子一跳
Jesus.
亨特 – 来啊，动手！
Hunter. -Come on, bring it! Come on.
亨特，你们这样也太奇葩了吧
Hunter, this is so weird.
我认为你该走了，不要再待在这了
I think you need to go. Like, it’s really time to leave.
你该走了，亨特
It’s time to go, Hunter.
和这家伙一起…
Good luck with, uh…
那就祝你好运吧
This.
麦克斯，真的很对不起
Max, I am so sorry.
不论你去哪里，混乱都会接踵而至
Everywhere you go, chaos just follows you.
混乱？
Chaos?
混乱是指什么？
What do you mean?
比如走出家门，享受正常生活所要经历的那些事？
Like the things that come with having a life outside of your own apartment?
而不是只会窝在家里看别人的拔草评测
Not just reading other people’s Yelp reviews.
你在厕所里还留了一碗恶心的变质牛奶麦片
You left a bowl of disgusting old milk and cereal in the bathroom.
谁会在厕所里吃东西啊？更别说是吃麦片了
Who eats any kind of food in the bathroom, let alone cereal?
你在说什么啊？
What are you talking about?
好啊，我们现在要聊厕所是吧，你的行为才可笑吧？
Okay, okay, but if we’re on the topic of bathrooms, do you know what you do?
你每次上完厕所，就会喷一点薰衣草香的喷雾…
You go in the bathroom, and then you spray that little lavender spritz…
对啊
Yeah.
…你这个行为就叫 此地无银三百两
…and it’s a dead giveaway for what just happened in there.
那叫为他人着想 – 这样啊
Oh, it’s called being considerate. -Okay.
不仅如此，你每次从房♥间出来之后都不会随手关灯
And B, you are incapable of turning off a light switch after you’ve been in a room.
对啊，那他妈有什么所谓！
Okay, cool. That’s really fucking cool!
不，这他妈很有所谓 – 行啊，你知道你…
No, it’s not fucking cool. -All right, you know what else…
因为浪费就是很没品 – 你知道你还有什么行为
It’s fucked up ’cause it’s wasteful. -You know what else that you do
会让人很火大吗？ – 什么？你说啊
that just is infuriating? -What? What?
你喝东西老是喜欢发出“吸溜”的声音
The way that you delicately sip.
让我起了一身的鸡皮疙瘩 – 我哪里有…
It makes my skin crawl. -I don’t even…
对不起咯，所以我就应该像你一样
I’m sorry, so I should just chug
把摆在自己面前的每杯酒都一饮而尽
every drink that’s ever put in front of me like you
好让自己喝得酩酊大醉，到处勾搭脏兮兮的陌生人？
so I can get trashed and hook up with dirty strangers?
像我一样？
Like me?
麦克斯，你真是个可悲的废物
Max, you are such a pathetic loser.
我宁愿当个废物，也不愿意当一个孤僻，自私的混♥蛋♥
Well, I’d rather be a loser than a closed-off, selfish asshole.
哇哦
Wow.
克洛伊呢？ – 我…我不知道
Where’s Chloe? -I… I don’t know.
克洛伊？ – 哎哟…克洛伊在哪？
Chloe? -Oh, my… Where’s Chloe?
我不知道… – 完蛋了
I don’t… What… -Oh, my God.
克洛伊？ – 你♥他♥妈♥…
Chloe? -Are you fucking…
克洛伊 – 我真的无语了
Chloe? -Jesus.
等等，我跟你一起去
Wait, I’m gonna come with you.
真就一团乱，不用了，你就待在这吧，好吗？
Absolute chaos. No, you just stay here, okay?
你添的乱已经够多了 – 麦克斯！我…
You’ve done enough. -Max! I…
克洛伊？
Chloe?
BGM：《The Other Side of Mt. Heart Attack》——Liars
克洛伊！
Chloe!
911，您遇到什么紧急情况了吗？
911. What’s your emergency?
你好，是的…
Hi, yeah, uh…
这事可能不归你们管，但是我的…我的狗丢了
I guess it’s not 911, but my, um, my dog is missing and I, uh…
明白了先生，你需要联♥系♥动物管制局
Okay, sir, you need to call animal control.
什么，动物管制局？我要打给…我真是操了
I’m sorry, animal control? I’m supposed to call… Fuck me.
不好意思，请问你有看见一只小狗吗？
Hey, excuse me. Have you seen a little dog?
请问你有…没有吗？ – 没见过
Have you… No? -No.
你们有看到一只狗吗？一只黑色的小狗…没有吗？
Have you guys seen a dog? A little dog… A black… No?
妈的…克洛伊！克洛伊
Fucking… Chloe! Chloe.
操，我该怎么办？
Fuck. What am I gonna do?
我他妈该怎么办…
What am I fucking…
邻居也没有看到她
不会有事的
It’s gonna be okay.
别怕，不会有事的
Hey, it’s gonna be okay.
克洛伊！
Chloe!
克洛伊！
Chloe!
嘿，快过来吧
Hey. Hey, come here.
对不起
I’m sorry.
他会找到她的
He’s gonna find her.
谢天谢地，她跑到哪去了？
Thank God. Where was she?
你怎么还没走？
You’re still here? Why?
我…我得知道她没事才能走啊
I… I couldn’t leave until I knew she was okay.
现在你已经知道了，那就…
Well, now you know, so…
对，好吧，我这就走
Okay. Yeah, okay. I’m gonna go.
我晚点再回来拿我的东西
Uh, I’ll just come back later for my stuff.
伙计，我会回来接你的，好吗？
I’ll see you soon, buddy. Okay?
他可以跟你一起走
He can go with you.
什么？不行啊，你都知道我要被赶出公♥寓♥了
What? No, you know that I’ll get evicted.
他又不是我的狗，我也不是你的保姆
He’s not my dog, and I’m not your sitter.
大哥，你认真的吗？ – 嗯
Dude, seriously? -Yeah.