头条笑料 Punchline（1988）

然後轻轻一弹 眼球就弹到了我的脖子上
…and she flicked it at me and it stuck on my neck.
我觉得那很好笑
I think that’s pretty funny.
我爸是个彪形大汉 他会射杀鹿
My dad is this big macho guy and he shoots deer and shit like that.
而我却是怕血的小孩
I’m this kid who can’t stand the sight of blood.
芝加哥本来有鹿的
They used to have deer in Chicago…
结果都被我爸和我哥杀光了
…until my brother and father gunned them all down.
他们杀了小鹿斑比的妈妈
These are the guys who killed Bambi’s mom.
等等 我还没说死猫的事
Wait a minute. I didn’t tell you about the dead cat.
我还没说死猫的事!
I haven’t told you about the dead cat!
我的室友没事就放只死猫在我床上
My fucking roommates put this dead cat in my bed all the time.
天啊 谁可以来救我!
Someone help me! Christ!
注意了 宝贝
Check it out, baby.
别烦我
Leave me alone.
回家去!
No! Go home!
他妈的别烦我!
Just leave me the fuck alone!
没事的
You’re all right.
没事的
You’re all right.
我哥到图书馆温习
So my brother would be down in the library studying…
我就跑到阁楼…
…and I would be upstairs in the attic…
从头到脚用锡箔纸包起来
…covering myself in tin foil, from head to toe.
假装是… 自己心目中的超级英雄
Making up these superheroes of my own.
锡箔超人
You know, Tin Foil Man.
瓦片小子
Shingle Kid. You know.
还有… 会让我朋友笑的东西
Stuff to make my friends laugh…
但在家的时候… 我一向都不好笑
…but at home, you know, I was never funny.
我过去会让所有人♥大♥笑
I used to make everybody laugh.
连我老公也不例外
Even my husband.
天啊 我们以前充满欢笑
God, we used to laugh.
结果?
So?
怎麽了?
What happened?
我不知道
I don’t know.
孩子或是他的工作
The kids or his job.
我
Me.
我不知道
I don’t know.
那妳怎麽不离开他?
So why don’t you leave him?
我明早要开共乘汽车
(与别人合夥使用的汽车 以节省费用)
I’ve got carpool in the morning.
听起来他像个无赖
He sounds like a prick.
他整天工作 晚上还照顾孩子
He works all day, comes home and takes care of the kids all night.
他听起来像个圣人
He sounds like a saint.
他不是不对
He’s not wrong.
我不知道
I don’t know.
也许我该放弃 我不知道
Maybe I should quit. I don’t know.
放弃表演? 妳不能放弃
What? Quit stand-up? No, you can’t do that.
为什麽?
Why not?
因为妳很会搞笑
Because you’re funny.
妳还没抓到窍门
I mean, you don’t know how to get to it yet…
但是妳满会搞笑的
…you haven’t figured that out, but you’re funny.
别跟我开玩笑
Look, don’t kid me about this, all right?
我跟女人什麽都能随便说说
I’ll say anything to a woman and not mean it.
我会说我爱她
I’ll say I love her.
我会说她很美 很性感
I’ll say she’s beautiful. I’ll say she’s sexy.
但我不会开搞笑的玩笑
I don’t mess around with “funny.”
好极了 真的好极了
Yeah, this is great. This is really great, you know.
什麽? – 太棒了
What? – Wonderful.
什麽? – 真是太棒了
What? – Just wonderful. Look.
我结婚了
I’m a married woman.
所以呢? – 我比你大10岁
So? – I’m 10 years older than you. I gotta go.
所以呢? 等等莱拉 – 我要走了
So? Wait, Lilah. – I gotta go.
别这样 义大利风情点
Come on, be Italian.
什麽意思?
What does that mean?
我还希望妳会知道
I was hoping you would know.
我真的要走了
I gotta go. I really gotta go.
妳已经有麻烦了 今晚跟我一起混
You’re in trouble already. So hang out with me tonight.
我教妳怎麽搞笑
I’ll teach you something about being funny.
我不行 – 妳可以
I can’t. – Yes, you can.
跟人群说话
You just want to talk to the crowd.
请停车 谢谢 – 我需要笑话
Pull over here. Thank you. – I need my jokes.
跟人群说话 – 跟人群说话?
You talk to the crowd. – “Talk to the crowd”?
我不想 – 那样妳才能获得题材
I don’t want to. – They help you develop material.
我做不到 – 妳会有收获的
No, I just simply can’t do it… – You’re gonna learn now.
下来! – 好啦
Come on! – All right. God Almighty!
别对我吼 我没有什麽要说的
You don’t have to yell at me. I have nothing to say.
有 妳有 关於地下铁的
Yes, you do. The subway.
什麽地下铁? – 记得地下铁
What subway? – Remember the subway.
我不记得什麽地下铁
I don’t remember the subway nor what it looks like.
【现场脱口秀】
嗨 我是莱拉
Hi, I’m Lilah…
我不知道自己在干嘛
…and I don’t know what I’m doing.
今晚我不准用自己的笑话
I’m not allowed to use my jokes tonight, so…
所以我想说我是个家庭主妇 我承认这点
So I’ll tell you I’m a housewife. I’ll admit to that.
我有3个孩子
And I have three kids.
我住在纽泽西
And I live in New Jersey.
你看 我什麽都承认了
So, you see, I’ll admit to anything.
妳的孩子呢? – 什麽?
Where are your kids? – What?
妳的孩子呢? – 在家里
Where are your kids? – Home.
谁照顾她们? – 我老公
Who’s looking after them? – My husband.
如果他没空呢?
What if your husband’s not available?
妳有请保母吗?
Do you have a babysitter?
查尔斯曼森
Charles Manson.
如果他很忙 会找另一个孩子
And then if he’s busy you use that other nice boy down the street.
大卫柏科维 他对狗很有一套
Davie Berkowitz. He’s so good with the dog.
好吧 不好笑 杀了我吧
All right, it’s not funny. Okay. So shoot me.
我要拿…
All right, I’m just gonna grab the…
这个人在笑
All right, this man over here is laughing.
你叫什麽名字? – 鲍伯
What is your name, sir? – Bob.
鲍伯 你做什麽的?
Bob. And what do you do?
我是行销顾问
I’m a marketing consultant.
行销顾问?
“Marketing consultant”?
你是行销顾问?
You’re a marketing consultant?
鲍伯 可以耽误你一点时间吗?
Bob, could I consult with you for one minute?
每次我推手推车时 为什麽有一个轮子总是…
Whenever I get a cart, why is it that one wheel always goes…
像这样… 撞进罐头堆里
…like this, and pulls to the right, right into the canned goods?
我很想知道原因
I’ve wondered about it, haven’t you?
这位小姐在笑了
This lady is laughing here.
妳对农产品有问题吧?
You have a problem with produce, don’t you?
妳一定有 妳把手放在那位先生的膝盖上了
I think you must. You have your hand in that gentleman’s lap, I think.
今晚是职业之夜 因为每个人的生活都很有趣
So, tonight it’s going to be career night, because everybody’s life is funny.
我们都是上帝的卡♥通♥人物
Trust me on this. We are all God’s little animated cartoons.
这位先生
This gentleman right here.
你叫什麽名字? – 莫瑞
Sir, what’s your name? – Murray.
莫瑞 你生活很有趣
Murray, trust me on this one. Your life is funny.
做什麽的? – 卖♥♥保险的
What do you do? – I’m an insurance salesman.
保险业物员?
You’re an insurance salesman?
想过要改行吗?
Did you ever want to be anything else?
跟我一起回想
Think back with me.
你现在是个孩子 现在是万圣节
You’re a small child. You’re dressing up. It’s Halloween.
别人是警♥察♥ 消防队员 蒙面侠…
All the other boys, they’re firemen, policemen, they’re Zorro or Batman.
而备受妈妈呵护的小莫瑞是…
And cute little Murray, whose mother adores him, is a…
保险业务员
An insurance salesman.
保险业务员? 莫瑞 这是不可能的
“An insurance salesman”? Murray, this can’t be true.
你万圣节打扮就是穿聚酯纤维西装? 递名片给别人?
You dressed up in a polyester suit and you handed out business cards?
这是婚前女子派对吗? 看看妳手上有什麽?
This is a bachelorette party? So, could I see what you’ve got here?
妳一定收到一两样电气礼物
You must have an appliance or two.
这是新娘送礼会 这正是我所要求的
It’s a shower, for goodness sake. This is what I was asking for.
我并不古板 妳会到需要电器的年纪的
I’m not so old-fashioned. You have appliances in today’s age.
妳拿到了…
You get…
我希望是按♥摩♥肩膀的
I hope this is for a sore shoulder.
最好马上拿走
You better take this right away, honestly.
太恐怖了 那有高压电
Holey-moley, that’s very frightening I mean that’s a high-voltage item, Buffy.
我跟只有90天保证期的东西不会发生亲密关系
I don’t want to be intimate with anything that has a 90-day warranty.