头条笑料 Punchline（1988）

没见过这种家庭
No more than anyone else who has a family.
什麽意思? – 我的意思?
What do you mean? – What do I mean?
你要怎样?
What do you want?
我要能引以为傲的家庭 – 引以为傲的家庭 像谁?
Just a family I can be proud of. – A family you can be proud of. Like who?
邦妮和杰瑞吗? – 邦妮和杰瑞吗
And don’t tell me Bunny and Jerry. – Bunny and Jerry.
去他的邦妮和杰瑞
Fuck Bunny and Jerry.
妳干嘛讲粗话?
Why do you use language like that? Don’t use language like that.
难怪女儿嘴巴说话像马桶
No wonder your daughters talk like toilets.
像马桶? – 妳知道我的意思
“Talk like toilets”? – You know what I’m talking about.
你想要怎样?
What do you want?
好好当个母亲 – 我是
Just be a mother. – I am a mother.
不是依照我的定义 – 我依照我的
Not by my definition. – I am by my definition.
一位母亲晚上会跟家人在一起
A mother stays with her children at night.
除非她要工作 – 而且要有薪水
Unless she works. – Unless she gets paid to work.
如果她够幸运的话 – 或者够厉害的话
Unless she’s lucky enough. – Unless she’s good enough.
我够厉害 – 不 莱拉 妳不好笑
I am good enough. – You’re not, Lilah. You’re not funny.
你再说一次我就离开这个家
You say that to me one more time and I’m going to leave this house.
我说的事实话 – 我要走了!
You can’t stand the truth. – I’m out!
我又没有说
I didn’t say it!
我要走了 – 我会说的
I’m out of here! – All right, I will say it.
要走的那个女人不会搞笑
The woman who lives in this house is not funny.
那边的那个女人不会搞笑
That woman, there in the dark, is not funny.
我要离开这里! – 她的笑话没人笑
I’m out of here! – No one laughs at that woman!
那个女人不会搞笑
That woman is not funny!
是我弄坏的 我会赔的
I broke your deal. Sorry. I’ll have to pay for it.
怎麽了? – 没事
What’s the matter with you? – Nothing.
有人问你何时上场
There’s people upstairs asking for you. They wanna know what time you go on.
他们好像是重要人物
They look like heavyweights. Who are they?
天啊 她为我做到了
Jesus, she came through for me.
谁为你做到了?
Who came through for you?
他们是谁? – 他们是电视台的人
Who are they? – They’re network people.
电视台的人? – 今晚再给我表演20分钟
“Network people”? – Give me another 20-minute set tonight.
冷静点 我要跟你谈谈
Calm down. I want to have a nice talk with you.
晚点再说 – 听着
Later. – Listen.
让我静一静
Leave me alone for a minute.
那就是重点 你不必静下来
That’s the whole point. You don’t have to be alone.
拳击手在角落都有人帮他
Even a prize-fighter has someone in his corner.
别这样 我认识这些人
Come on now, I know these people.
利用我吧
Use me. I can handle them.
表演结束後让我来招待他们
Let me entertain them after the show.
他们只会来一次
They’re only going to come in here once.
让我帮你一次搞定
Let me help you make tonight count.
好
Okay.
好? – 我说好
“Okay”? – I said okay.
我说的是经济代理权 – 对
We’re talking agent? – You’re my agent.
永久经济人? – 对
Permanent agent? – Whatever.
要立约的
In writing?
好 什麽时候上场
In writing. When can I go on?
现在如何?
How about now?
别紧张 放轻松
Just take it easy and relax. Relax. – All right.
史帝芬? – 别烦我
Steven? – Don’t bother me, all right?
别烦他
Don’t bother him.
观众怎麽样?
How’s the house?
好观众吗? – 热情得不得了
Good crowd. – A sensational crowd.
好 – 放轻松 准备好了吗?
Okay. – Just relax. You ready?
他们在哪? – 在前面
You’ll point him out? – Sure. He’s down the front.
深呼吸
Just take a deep breath.
叫亚柏下来 – 我看得出来他快结束了
You gonna get Albert off for me? – He’s almost finished.
他们在哪?
Where are they?
第三桌 左边 白发的 迷死他们
Third table, left. Grey hair. Kill them.
你们真是一流的观众
You guys have been a nice audience and Lenny wants to come up here.
记得来看我的新片 “被遗忘的落花生”
Please see my new movie. It’s called, Goober, the Forgotten Pile.
该死! 罗密欧
Shit! Romeo.
各位 亚柏安皮拉托
Albert Emperato, ladies and gentlemen.
我想正经一点
I’d like to settle down and get serious for a moment.
因为我很荣幸…
I want to introduce you to someone…
有机会将下一位培养成巨星
…that I’ve had the privilege of nurturing along on the road to stardom.
我在这一行
You know, I’ve been in this business a long time.
看着许多喜剧演员来来去去
I’ve seen comics come and go, and sometimes you see somebody…
有些人能历久不衰
…that goes right to the top and they stay there.
这位年轻人也是一样
This young gentleman is not unlike that.
我每个月都让他上台
I’ve had him on this stage month after month…
因为我知道 他会发光发亮
…because I knew one day his star was going to shine.
我没甚麽好说的了 不过
There is very little else I can say about him except that…
他就像是我的儿子
…he’s like a son to me.
让我们热烈欢迎史帝芬高德
Let’s have a nice warm welcome for Steven Gold.
上来吧 史帝芬
Come on up here, Steven.
他要人家哄
He wants to be coaxed. Come on.
史帝芬 上来
Steven, come on up here. Come on.
他有点害羞 掌声大一点
He’s a little shy. Let’s give him a big hand.
史帝芬高德
Steven Gold!
这才对 史帝芬
That a boy, Steven! At last.
我叫…
My name is…
你们知道我是谁
You know who I am.
有没有人从…
Anyone here from…
喜剧演员这麽说是不是很烦?
Don’t you hate it when comics do that?
那表示他们无话可说
It means that they don’t know what else to say.
有谁不是本地人吗? 就是你 好
Anyone from out of town? Here you go. Okay.
好
Yeah.
你是哪里人? – 威斯康辛州的绿湾
You sir, where are you from? – Green Bay, Wisconsin.
不太好笑
There’s nothing funny about that.
在这里玩得开心吗?
What are you doing while you’re in town? You having fun?
开心 直到现在
Until now.
很好笑
That’s funny.
这家伙不赖
This guy’s all right.
那是你老婆吗?
Is that your wife with you, sir?
我女儿
My daughter.
那就行不通了
That’s not gonna work.
我本来想问你有没有她的裸照
I was going to ask if you had any naked pictures of her.
不过大概行不通了 – 对 行不通
That won’t work now, will it? – No, that’s not going to work.
对 行不通
No, that won’t work.
我有家人坐在观众席里
I have some people in the audience.
不骗你们 今晚实在很沉重
I’m not going to kid around with you people. This is a heavy night.
今晚真的很沉重
This is a real heavy night.
我以为今晚我会被发现
I thought I was going to get discovered tonight.
结果成真了
And that is exactly what happened.
我被发现了
I did.
这是个私人笑话
That was a private joke.
我是喜剧演员 所以我会公开…
And I’m a comedian, so I’ll go public with these jokes…
我父亲是医生
My father is a doctor.
我还是学生时…
When I was a student…
我功课很差 但那并未阻止我的医生老爸
…I was a really bad student, but that didn’t stop my dad, the doctor…
千方百计把我弄进医学院
…pulling a lot of strings to get me into med school.
没人在乎我讨厌看到血
Even though it didn’t seem to matter to anybody that I couldn’t stand the sight of blood.
有一次他对我大吼 因为…
In fact, I once got yelled at because…
我不肯拿钩子穿过一条小鱼
…during a fishing trip, I wouldn’t take the hook and put it through a minnow.
我不肯害它脑部受伤或视外凸
I didn’t want to give it cerebral contusions. I didn’t want to give it optical poptitude
知道什麽叫视外凸吗? 就是眼球外凸
You know what optical poptitude is? It’s bulging eyeballs, so…
这有好笑的地方
There’s something funny in here.
我要找出好笑的地方
I’m gonna find something funny in here, so
我已经不知道什麽好笑了
I don’t know what’s funny anymore…
所以觉得好笑的时候… 就笑
…so could you just laugh any time that you feel anything funny? Just feel…
我要说些医学院的事
Let me tell you about medical school.
千万别让他们知道…
You can’t make the mistake of letting them know…
如果你很容易呕吐 他们闻得出来
…that you’re squeamish about things because they smell it on you.
有一次我跟实验室的女同学说…
I once made the mistake of telling this female lab partner…
我受不了看到动物惨遭蹂躏
…that I couldn’t stand to see things suffer…
就像我们解剖的青蛙那样
…like little frogs, that we’d have to dissect.
接着她拿着一根… 探针
And she took this thing. It’s called a probe.
前端开岔的 她挖出青蛙的眼睛
It’s like a prong. And she plucked out this frog’s eye…