头条笑料 Punchline（1988）

好 – 义大利面特餐?
Sure. – Spaghetti special?
难吃的可以 给这位夫人来一份
Sounds awful enough for me. One for the lady.
你认得我吗? – 当然 怎麽了?
Do you recognise me? – Of course. Why?
我不知道 你通常没这麽有善
I don’t know. You aren’t usually this nice.
告诉妳一个秘密
I’ll tell you a secret about me.
我看到台上有人表演得很好的话就会忌妒
I get jealous when I see somebody who’s got it up on stage. I can’t help it.
我吗? – 对
Me? – Yeah, you.
选对题材 妳也会很棒的
Five minutes of the right material, you’d be un-fucking-believable.
妳不错 大家喜欢妳的表演
You’ve got that thing. People love you on stage. You know that.
你说真的? – 妳只要找到好的笑料
You mean it? – All you need is the right gags. So…
我尝试自己写笑话 像是昨晚…
I try to write my own jokes. Like last night…
我们可以互相帮忙
What are we here for but to help each other out?
你愿意帮我? – 对
You’d be willing to do this for me? – Sure.
妳是哪里人? 泽西?
Where are you from? Jersey?
泽西? – 对 泽西
Jersey? – Yeah, I’m from Jersey.
有小孩吗? – 有 3个
Do you have any kids? – I’ve got three kids.
3个孩子 很好 – 我个感觉是…
Three kids, great. – My feeling is that…
阿诺收妳多少钱? – 五百
What did this Arnold guy charge you? – $500.
这数目差不多
Okay. All right. This is the right ballpark.
泽西 3个孩子 有意思
Jersey, three kids, there’s something there…
我不能马上付给你
I couldn’t pay you right away.
我会付 只是不能马上付
I mean, I could pay you. I just couldn’t pay you right away.
煮义大利面要多久?
How long does spaghetti take?
如果我找到阿诺就马上付给你
If I could find Arnold, I could pay you right away.
算了
Yeah, forget it. It’s all right.
我花掉我和老公的渡假基金
Look, I spent my vacation money. My husband’s and mine.
你知道什麽对妳最重要
You’ve got your priorities then.
拿钱去渡假 别管笑话了
So spend your money on your vacation and don’t worry about jokes.
我的意思是 如果这对妳不是那麽重要的话…
I mean, if it’s not that important to you.
对我非常重要
It’s very important to me.
妳为什麽需要?
What do you need it for?
问我的心理医生
Ask my shrink.
起司 起司
Jeez. Cheese!
你不是说真的 – 我是
You didn’t mean it, did you? – Yes, I did.
我很厉害?
That I’ve got something?
我能卖♥♥笑话给你 要吗?
That I would sell you jokes. Do you want to buy some?
我不跟你买♥♥ 混帐
Not from you, you piece of crap.
你何必这样对别人?
How do you get off treating people like this?
你的名字又没多响亮
I don’t see your name up in lights over there.
就算你很会搞笑 那又怎样?
So what if you’re funny? If that’s all you are, so what? Jesus.
难怪你每天都在那里 你根本没事可做
No wonder you’re there every night. You’ve nothing else to do. That’s it.
派多 留着那盘义大利面
Pedro, hold the spaghetti.
给这位夫人睾丸沙拉 强悍女人特餐
Bring this lady that testicle salad. That ball-buster special.
有附叉子的那种
You know, the one with the fork.
如果是你的睾丸 我得拿镊子
If they’re yours, I’ll need a pair of tweezers.
我知道你会喜欢
I thought you’d like that.
一切事物对你都是笑话
Everything’s a great big joke to you.
夫人 对我来说什麽都不是笑话
Lady, nothing is a joke to me.
所以我能上台说笑…
That’s why I do stand-up comedy.
而妳不能 妳的面一块半
And that’s why you don’t. Yours is $1.50.
等等
Wait.
什麽意思? – 拜托 夫人
What did you mean? – Oh, lady, please.
你说什麽都不是笑话 这是什麽意思?
You said nothing was a joke to you. What do you mean?
我还要去其他地方 我快迟到了
I have to be somewhere. I’m late.
难道是因为你不喜欢女人吗? 我见到你帮了波尔先生
You don’t like women? I see you help Mr. Ball.
他有胆量 – 我没有吗?
Mr. Ball’s got guts. – And I don’t?
妳脸皮很厚 妳还说黄色笑话
You’ve got gall, not guts. You stand up, you tell dirty jokes.
那是妳吗? 妳是性♥爱♥狂吗?
What does it have to do with you? Are you a sexpot?
妳是有邋遢小孩的家庭主妇
Give me a break. You’re a Jersey housewife with snot-nosed kids.
更不用说还有辆破车
A car that won’t start. Tell me about that.
那需要妳所没有的胆量 懂吗?
That’s what takes guts, and you don’t have it. Am I being clear?
我有赢得笑声 – 那就把它们带回家吧
I’ve gotten laughs. – Fine. Then take them and go home.
我要学
I want to learn.
每晚都要去 一天跑六场
Lady, it takes every night. Six clubs a night. All night.
还有单身派对和俱乐部
Working stag parties and Elks Club banquets, opening for an accordion player.
我没有时间
I don’t have time for all that.
那就现在跟我到皇后区学点东西
How about now? I’m going to Queens. You wanna come learn something?
你是说真的吗? – 对 妳呢?
Are you serious? – Yes, I’m serious. Are you?
我… – 我想大概是不行
I… – I guess not.
我要准备晚宴
I’m cooking for a dinner party.
看吧 就说妳不行
Ladies and gentlemen, I rest my case.
万一不好笑呢? 你叫我谈自己的生活
What if it isn’t funny? You tell me to talk about my life.
万一我的生活不好笑呢?
What if my life isn’t funny?
我们的生活都很好笑 我们是上帝画的卡♥通♥人物
All of our lives are funny, babe. We’re God’s animated cartoons.
你老公呢?
What about your husband?
你老公一定很好笑 – 才怪
There’s gotta be some laughs there. – Not mine.
他干哪一行的? – 卖♥♥保险的
I bet there is. What does he do? – Sells insurance.
妳说得没错 妳的孩子呢? – 3个女儿
You win. How about your kids? – Three girls.
好 可以 多大?
Okay. All right. Big, little, what?
幼稚园? 有保母吗?
Nursery school, babysitters maybe?
我4点前没到家就得找保母
God, they’re gonna need one if I’m not home by 4:00.
这很好笑 – 这不好笑
That’s funny. – There’s nothing funny in that.
她们会自己在家
The maid’ll leave and they’ll be alone.
喜剧 保母是谁?
Think comedy. Who’s the babysitter?
街尾的小孩
This kid that lives down the street.
喜剧 他的名字 – 我不知道
Comedy. What’s their name? – I don’t know.
他叫什麽名字? – 查理曼森
Comedy. What’s their name? – Charlie Manson.
这很好笑 – 好笑?
All right, that’s funny. – That’s funny?
妳刚写了一个笑话 查理曼森保母
You just wrote a joke. Yes. Charlie Manson, the babysitter.
这很好笑 继续 加油…
Yes, that’s funny! Keep going with it. Go.
亲爱的 他又在她们的额头画X字
Honey, he’s put X’s on their foreheads again.
如果他没空就找另一个男生
If he’s busy, then we use this other nice boy.
大卫柏科维
Davie Berkowitz.
他对狗很有一套
He’s so good with dogs.
谁是大卫柏科维?
Who’s Davie Berkowitz?
大卫柏科维 山姆的儿子
You know, Davie Berkowitz, Son of Sam.
大卫柏科维 他会跟狗说话
You know, Davie Berkowitz. He talks to dogs.
曼森很好笑 柏科维不好笑
Manson is funny. Berkowitz is not.
我以为那满好笑的
I thought that was sort of funny.
曼森很好笑
Manson is funny.
柏科维不好笑
Berkowitz is not.
好吧
All right.
另一个游戏是…
Another game is…
另一个游戏是 “药量加倍”
Another game is “Double up on the Medication.”
你将药丸放在舌下
You put the pill under your tongue…
当他们去检查时
…and when they return to check on you…
你坚称药不在杯子里 “它不在杯子里
…you insist it wasn’t in the cup. “It wasn’t in the cup.
没有药丸 把药给我
“There’s no pill there. You give me my medication.
我病了 看到没?”
“I’m sick. You see?”
塞栓剂的病人应该放弃这招
Those of you who are taking suppositories might want to pass on that whole thing.
有问题? 你从头到尾一直举手
What? Do you have a question? Your hand has been up since I got here.
病得很严重
This is probably a very debilitating illness.
你做什麽工作?
What is your occupation?
我是看门人
I’m a doorman.
看门人? 所以你招计程车?
You’re a doorman? So, like, you hail taxis?
对 那就是我的工作
That’s what I do, yes.
这是很好的训练器材
This is like a good training device then.
你应该出院
You’re fine. You should get out of this hospital.
打点滴一定很痛
It must be painful having this IV hooked up.
根本不会 – 完全不痛?
Not at all. – No pain at all?
那是他的 不是我的
No, that’s not mine, that’s his.
我看看 天啊 没错
Son of a gun. Let me see this thing. Good God, it is. What have we got here?
今天的午餐 草莓果冻
You’re getting your lunch today. We have some strawberry Jell-O.
义大利面沙拉葡萄糖
It’s that pasta salad dextrose.
主菜是肝和洋葱
What’s your main course today? Liver and onions.
就算对血液来说也太不健康了
Boy, even in the bloodstream that’s some pretty nasty stuff.
我猜她是护士
Here’s a nurse. I’m just guessing.
没错
You’re right.
让她擦澡必定是一大享受
A sponge bath from this woman would really be paradise.
你们看 这里有个医生 一个犹太医生
Look, a doctor here, folks. Son of a gun. A Jewish doctor.