头条笑料 Punchline（1988）

因为搞笑史帝芬快破产了
…’cause funny Steve is going under.
在此祝你明天愉快
“Here’s hoping your tomorrow is grand
很容幸有机会搏君一笑
“It’s been great to entertain you for a while
在你的记忆里
“In your book of memories
记住比利兰恩这名字
“Keep the name Billy Lane
记住这一夜
“Remember this night
微笑
“and smile”
我爱各位 先生女士们
I love you, ladies and gentlemen.
但我今生的最爱
But the love of my life…
是名叫喜剧的小姐
…is the lady named Comedy.
这个不错 妈 很好笑
This is a really good one, Mom. It’s really funny.
真的?
Really?
我头发打结了
I got a knot in my hair.
帮我一下好吗? – 等一下
Could you help me? – Just a second.
圣经里最受欢迎的演员是谁?
“Who is the most popular actor in the Bible?”
太离谱了
I can’t believe it.
就在我需要准时的日子
Mom, it’s the one day I needed to be there on time.
告诉她们我睡过头了
Just tell her your mother overslept.
妳想听吗? 妈
Do you want to hear it, Mom?
妳没回来睡觉
You didn’t come to bed last night.
我陪海蒂睡 珍妮有回家吗?
I sat up with Heidi. Did Jenny even get home?
过了半夜才回家 – 别管蛋了 我没时间了
After midnight. – Forget the eggs, I don’t have time.
谁最受欢迎?
“Who is the most popular actor in the Bible?”
没有咖啡? – 水没了
Where’s the coffee? – There’s no water.
为什麽? – 浴室有水
Why is that? – It’s on in the bathroom.
妳猜阿 妈
Guess, Mom. Take a guess.
妳今晚打算煮什麽?
You intend to cook with bathwater tonight?
有客人要来吃晚餐?
Did you forget we have guests for dinner?
早安 妈 妳的头发怎麽了?
Morning. Mom, what did you do to your hair?
妳忘了今晚的事
You forgot about tonight.
妳把蛋弄到我头上了
You got egg in my hair.
我两周前就说过了 这客户是教会的人
I told you about it two weeks ago. Walter Robie, the church account.
妳不关心我的生意吗?
Or has my business become unimportant to you?
今晚? – 今晚又怎麽了?
Tonight? – Something wrong with tonight?
我会在苏西家 – 不准
I’m eating at Susie’s. – You’re not.
我们要去看电影
It’s Friday. We’re going to a movie.
待在家里 – 谁要来?
You’re staying home tonight. – Is someone coming tonight?
我自己弄
Give me the brush, I’ll do it.
我就是希望妳自己梳 妳梳得比我好
All right. I want you to do it anyway. You do it much better.
既然海蒂病好了
Since Heidi’s feeling better I thought…
妳晚上要出去?
You weren’t planning on going out tonight?
不 是下午
No. It was this afternoon.
有个拍录影带的家伙…
There’s this guy who does videotapes…
我是说今晚 – 我会做菜
I’m talking about tonight. – I’m talking about cooking.
别吵了 – 我会从苏西家打电♥话♥回来
Stop arguing. – I’ll call you from Susie’s.
我要妳放学直接回家 妳有听到吗?
I want you home from school, you hear me?
别闹了! – 妳又不住苏西家
Cut it out! – You do not live at Susie’s house.
每天每晚都会这样吗?
Is this going to be every day now? And every night now?
妳本来只是想平衡身心
When you first asked it was to get it out your system.
但妳看看现在
Now look what’s happening.
上周就有三个晚上都这样 接下来呢?
Three nights last week. How many this week or the next?
闭嘴!
Stop it!
你要什麽? – 一个老婆
What do you want? – A wife.
晚上要吃什麽?
For dinner? What do you want for dinner?
我忘了运动短裤
I forgot my gym shorts.
不必了
No favours, okay.
我带客户去吃大杰克汉堡
I can take my clients out to Jumbo Jack.
或者我可以煮袋通心面 这两个我都很在行
Or we can boil bags of Stouffer’s together. I’m good at that.
大杰克汉堡以及通心面
Jumbo Jacks and Stouffer’s succotash!
没错
He is.
然後去看我老婆装疯卖♥♥傻
After dinner I can go to that hole and watch my wife make a jackass of herself.
你根本没看过我的表演 – 那是谁的错?
You’ve never even seen me. – Whose fault is that?
你说过你会体谅
You said you understood about that.
我不会
I don’t.
如果你在场 我无法好好表现
I couldn’t be the way I need to be if you were there.
无法表现什麽? – 不同之处
Which is what? – Different.
跟哪里不同? – 我在家里的样子
From what? – From what I am right here.
妳在家里有什麽不对?
What’s wrong with what you are here?
我的短裤呢? – 在凯莉的抽屉
Who took my gym shorts? – They’re in Carrie’s drawer.
怎麽会在那里? – 卡萝放的
What are they doing in Carrie’s drawer? – Coral put them there.
那些客人想见我的家人
These people I’ve invited want to meet my family.
教会的人就是这样
That’s the way church people are.
他们喜欢我的家人 我就有生意可做
If they like your family, they do business with you.
他们有17家教堂要投保 杰瑞和我需要那生意
They have 17 churches I could insure, and Jerry and I need the business.
邦妮就会为杰瑞的客户做菜
Now Bunny does this for Jerry. She cooks for clients.
几点? – 6点半
What time? – 6:30.
我会在家 – 谢谢
I’ll be here. – Thank you.
不客气 – 卡萝
You’re welcome. – Carrie.
我需要午餐钱
I need lunch money.
我也要钱 – 我的皮夹…
I need money, too. – My wallet, it’s…
在哪里? – 我有二十块
Where is it? – I’ve got $20.
去银行之前我需要五十块
I need $50 till I get to the bank.
我有一块
I have $1.
莱拉?
Lilah?
那是我存的钱
It was my money. I saved it.
在哪里? 莱拉?
Where is it? Lilah?
我花掉了
I spent it.
花在哪?
On what?
我需要的东西
Something I needed.
五百元? 你买♥♥了什麽?
$500? What did you buy?
笑话
Jokes.
这好像跟该死的吸毒者住在一起
This is like living with a goddamn junkie.
家庭危机 回头见
Family crisis. See you later.
好笑吗? – 不是很好笑
Were they good? – Not very.
我们计划拿这笔钱去渡假
We were going to go away with that money.
妳说妳存钱是要让我们两个可以去渡假
You said you were saving it so the two of us could get away.
我有一个笑话 妈 妳可以免费拿去
I’ve got one, Mom. You can have it for free.
对不起
I’m sorry.
不是我不希望妳快乐 莱拉
It’s not that I don’t want you to be happy, Lilah.
我只是不知道怎麽办
I just don’t know what the hell to do.
妈 再见
‘Bye, Mom.
答案是参孙 – 什麽?
The answer is Samson. – What?
他是圣经里最後欢迎的演员 知道为什麽吗?
He’s the most popular actor in the Bible. Know why?
我不知道 亲爱的
No, sweetheart, I don’t know why.
因为他赢得满堂彩
‘Cause he brought the house down.
我想这笑话太幼稚了
I guess it’s not grown-up enough.
少来了 那个小姐爱死我了
Look, Randy, don’t be a prick. The lady’s crazy about me.
她今晚会带星探来看我
She’s bringing the main guy to see me tonight.
所以去他的房♥租 我要发财了
Screw the back rent, man, I’m gonna be rich.
今晚有人要发掘我了
I’m going to get discovered tonight.
不 我不能… 好
Yeah. No, I can’t… I don’t… What?
我中午在皇后区有表演
All right. I’m doing a nooner in Queens today.
我可以给你一百块
I can give you $100, but that’s it.
不无法给你六百块
I can’t give you $600.
我他妈的哪来的六百块?
Where the fuck am I going to get $600?
把音响卖♥♥掉 我不管
So sell the fucking stereo, I don’t care.
如果你不许我进来 帮个忙…
If you’re gonna lock me out of my own house, just do me a favour…
帮我喂窗边的小鸟
…feed the birds outside the window.
拿你的食物给它们吃
Give them some of your food. That’s what I did.
蓝迪 不要… 去你的! 真是混♥蛋♥
Don’t… Fuck you! What an asshole!
你认识卖♥♥笑话的阿诺吗? – 认识
Do you know some guy named Arnold? – Yeah.
卖♥♥笑话的? – 认识 怎样?
Sells jokes? – Yes, why?
我在找他
I’m looking for him.
你要买♥♥笑话? – 我要卖♥♥
You want to buy some jokes? – Sell some.
你已经那麽厉害了?
You’ve gotten that good, have you?
我要把买♥♥来的卖♥♥还给他
Back. Sell some back.
没用吗?
They didn’t work.
用在我身上没用
No, not for me they didn’t.
妳只是找错人买♥♥了
A joke’s a joke, babe. You just bought from the wrong guy.
派多 来点难吃的东西 想吃午餐吗?
Pedro, give me something awful. Are you having lunch?