头条笑料 Punchline（1988）

待会见 – 好
See you later. – Yeah.
好好表演 – 我会的
Have a good show. – I will.
笑死他们 我知道你行的 – 待会见
You’ll kill them. I know you will. – See you later.
有什麽事? – 你在洗澡?
What do you want? – Are you taking a bath?
休息一下而已 最近我都睡在沙发上
Making a pit stop. Been sleeping on a couch lately.
你可到我办公室休息 你缺钱吗?
You could use my office. Do you need some money? Is that it?
我没办法还你
I can’t pay you back, if that’s what this meeting is about.
我们事朋友 我们就像一家人
We’re friends, we’re like a family.
不方便的话就别还了
I won’t ask for money when you’re in a tight spot.
你人真好 – 我照顾自己人
You’re a prince. – I take care of my people.
你是圣人 – 我曾经照顾罗宾葛林
You’re a saint. – Like I took care of Robyn Green.
你简直是神
You are God.
我带着他打拼了2年
Two years, I took him through hard times. I did.
一天晚上 有个星探走进来 他只跟我说 “再见 罗密欧”
What happened? One night, a talent scout walks in. “Goodbye, Romeo.”
连声谢谢都没有
Not a thank you, not a postcard.
也没有一成的佣金 – 这跟钱无关
No 10 percent commission. – This isn’t about money.
你这麽想伤了我的心 – 这就是关乎钱
You hurt my feelings. – It is about money.
你这地方每晚满座 每场却只给我们十五块
You pack this place up, and pay us $15 a set.
然後你被挖走 我还在这里
Then you get discovered and I’m still here.
我们买♥♥血求生 你却赚翻了
Where you rake it in, while we sell our blood to the Red Cross.
别说你是我们的大恩人
Don’t tell us about any big favours you do.
我大可以把这里改成修车厂 – 为什麽不改?
I could’ve turned this place into a garage. – Why didn’t you?
我喜欢喜剧演员
I’ll tell you. God help me, I love comics.
废话少说 – 什麽废话? 你到底在说什麽?
Cut to the chase. – What chase? What is he talking about?
你想当我的经纪人?
You want to be my agent?
拿十五块的一成? – 就这问题?
You want 10 percent of my $15? – Is that a problem?
还有我卖♥♥血拿的12块? 我还真是个有钱人
The $12 I get for selling my blood? I’m a very rich man.
通常要死了才能卖♥♥身体
I’ve been selling off my body. Usually you wait until you die.
我是特例 我的肺一个6块半
They’re making a special case for me. I got $6 for a lung…
肝一磅2块半
…I got $2.50 for a pound of my liver.
我还卖♥♥精♥子♥给诊所
I’ve been selling my sperm to a fertility clinic.
经子银行有夜间投递孔
The sperm bank has a night-deposit slot. I’m making a fortune.
我跟机器做♥爱♥就会发大财
I’m just tired of sticking my dick in a machine.
很好笑 写下来 – 你觉得好笑?
Funny stuff, write it down. – You’re laughing?
我已经写下来了
I have written it down.
我只要你记得我就好了 – 谁是玛德琳尤瑞? –
I want you to remember me, that’s all. – Who’s Madeline Urie?
她帮电视台发掘人才
She provides talent for all the major networks.
她是大卫雷特曼和强尼卡森的星探
She scouts for Letterman. She scouts for Carson.
她看过你的首场表演 她想再看一次
She saw your first show. She wants to see you again.
这是真的吗?
Is this for real?
她正在楼上等你
She’s upstairs, right this minute, waiting for you.
你怎麽不早说? 我该说什麽?
Why didn’t you just say so? What should I do?
关於地下铁的东西? – 不
I’ll do the subway stuff. – No.
讲医学院的东西 – 对
I’ll do the medical stuff. – Yes.
拉炼没拉 – 我要让她有好印象
Do up your fly. – Aren’t we trying to impress her?
口袋里放些钱 – 不
Put some money in your pocket. – I don’t need your money.
你要让自己感觉很有信心
It’ll make you feel strong.
你在医学院玩了很多很棒的游戏
You do many interesting things in medical school, play fascinating games.
有 “说出器官名称”
There’s “Name that Organ.”
它的形状像游泳池 是肾脏
It’s small, shaped like a swimming pool. I’m going to guess kidney.
答对了吗?
Am I right?
你不知道他的名字? 我们看同一个小儿科医生8年了
You don’t know his name? We’ve had the same pediatrician for 8 years.
你怎麽会不知道他的名字?
How could you not know his name?
我得打电♥话♥给经纪人
I have to call my manager.
多高?
How high?
她起来了吗? 叫她听
Is she up? Can I talk to her? Would you put her on?
我要知道这星探是谁
There’s a talent coordinator here and I want to find out who it is.
海蒂 怎麽了?
Heidi, honey.
告诉我怎麽回事?
Tell me what’s the matter?
什麽时候开始的?
When did it start?
高级临床礼节班
“Advanced Bedside Manner.”
这堂课教你如何在得知…
This class teaches you how not to do a shudder-take…
病人即将死亡时不要颤抖
…when you know your patient is going to die.
“让我们来看看 刚从实验时拿回来的X光片
“Let’s see, we just got these X-rays back from the lab.
来看看…”
“Let’s take a…”
计程车!
Taxi!
计程车!
Taxi!
窗子摇下来
Roll down the window.
我要回车行了 你要去哪?
I’m going to the garage. How far are you going?
只有几条街而已 – 好 上来
Just a couple of blocks down the street. – All right, get in. Come on.
我骗你的 我要去泽西
I lied. I’m going to Jersey.
我知道你的名字和证件号♥码 哈吉刚萨斯先生
And I’ve got your name and identification number, Mr. Hadji Gonzales.
载我去我说的地方 否则你就会失业
Take me where I want to go or your job goes right in the crapper.
小姐…
Oh, lady.
我每晚都祷告
“I say my prayers each night
让灵魂圣洁一点
“To make my soul a little cleaner
早晨我起床
“Then I get up in the morning
试着开始九天的祈祷
“Try to catch me a novena
我是大家羡慕的对象
“I’m the envy of everyone
尤其是天主教♥徒♥
“Especially the Catholics
羡慕吧 尼尔卡特
“Eat your heart out, Nell Carter
因为我嫁给了
“‘Cause I’m married to the fella
被钉在十字架上的男人
“who’s on the crucifix”
这是报复那婊♥子♥的最佳方式
I think this is the perfect way to get back at this tight-assed bitch.
我把那尸体的老二…
She’ll come in, see this amputated member from the male cadaver…
塞在女尸的两腿间
…stuck up between the legs of the female cadaver. So I do it.
真的 第二天她看到了
I don’t care. She comes in the next day and looks at it.
她说 “你们其中一名男生昨晚匆匆的离开了”
She says, “One of you gentlemen left in a hurry last night.”
我死了 我完了
I’m dead. I’m gone. I’m laughing.
那是我整学期最精彩的事迹
This is the highlight of my semester.
你真的上过医学院
You really did go to medical school.
对 我爸以为我还在念
Yes. In fact, my father thinks I’m still there.
怎麽回事?
How can that be?
他住在芝加哥 我住在这
He lives in Chicago and I live here.
我前室友掩护我
My ex-roommates cover for me.
如果我爸打电♥话♥来 我前室友会留话给我
If he calls, they leave me a message on my service, so it all works out.
你这样多久了? – 整年都这样
How long has this been going on? – All year. A full year.
我想可以撑到明年春天
I figure I can hold on till spring.
然後呢?
What happens then?
我不知道
I don’t know.
希望事情会有转机
I was kind of hoping that something would come along and replace it.
譬如 “爸 我不能当心脏外科医生…
Like, “Dad, I’m not going to be a heart surgeon…
不能像你和哥那样 但我要当明星了”
“…like you or my brother after all, but I am going to be a star.”
对 你要当明星了
Yeah, you are going to be a star.
你这麽想? – 当然
You think so? – Absolutely.
妳的职位能让妳知道?
And you’re in a position to know about such things?
这就是我的工作
That’s what they pay me for.
妳会怎麽做?
So what are you going to do?
请人来这里看你
Send someone down here to see you.
谁? – 我不能说
Who? – Can’t say.
好 什麽时候?
Okay. When?
我不说比较好
I think it’s better if I don’t tell.
要那麽神秘吗?
It’s that much of a mystery?
这样生活不是比较有趣吗?
Isn’t life more fun that way?
我已经来一年半了
Lady, I’ve been coming down here for eighteen months.
每天都来表演
Eighteen months and I have not missed a night.
我爸给我的钱要支付心理医生和日用品的花费
I take the money that my father sends me, I pay for a shrink and buy groceries.
现在我欠心理医生钱 房♥租也在追着我
Now, I owe my shrink and I’m behind in my rent.
室友还把锁换掉 我也进不去了
My roommate’s changed the locks on my front door. I can’t get in.
等我付房♥租他才要给我钥匙
He won’t give me a key until I pay him.
妳想玩游戏吗? 我可以玩
You wanna play games? I can play games.
我会用内♥裤♥表演腹语术
I can play ventriloquist with my underwear.
勃起的时候也能射飞镖
I can play darts while maintaining an erection.
还会用洗碗水漱口 用屁生放加拿大国歌♥
I can gargle dishwater and fart O Canada at the same time.
我会弹不受欢迎的钢琴曲
I can play the piano without being popular.
有一次还梦见屁♥股♥插着电钻
I once dreamt I was dancing with a jackhammer up my ass.
那不是春梦就是我便秘了
That’s either a sex dream or I need more fibre in my diet.
如果有任何一样让妳性冲动 请让我知道
If any of this is turning you on, just let me know.
你在开玩笑吗?
Is this a joke?
如果要叫人来就快点
If you’re sending someone down, you better send him fast…