头条笑料 Punchline（1988）

现在他会…
And now he just goes…
说真的 今天的男人很辛苦 (硬)
Truly, I honestly think that men have it very, very hard today. You do.
不是在妳需要的时候
Not when you need it, but…
对不起
I’m sorry.
我是说 很硬… 不!
I mean, it’s hard. No!
都是你们 拜托
You’re doing this to me. Now, come on.
男人真的很难为 真的
I mean, really, it’s a difficult situation for men, it really is.
女人现在几乎可以不需要男人
It’s like women have gotten to the point where they don’t need men anymore.
市面上有一些…
I mean, you know, there’s like these…
机械产品
…mechanical items.
懂我的意思吗?
You know what I mean?
妳懂我的意思 妳用过这些东西吗?
You know what I mean. You use one of these thi ngs?
说真的 我没恶意 上帝保佑 尽管用
Oh, my, not for me. Honestly. No offence. God bless, go to it.
我很怕那些东西 真的 它们把我吓坏了
It scares me. It really does. It really frightens me.
我可不想…
I don’t think that I want to be intimate…
和上面写着 “国际牌”的东西发展亲密关系
…with anything that has “Panasonic” written on it.
我们无从判断起源
I’m telling you, we have nothing to judge from.
我相新伊甸园是一团乱 我相信
All the way back in history, I’m sure the Garden of Eden was a mess.
我相信亚当不是贴身情人
I’m sure that Adam was an insensitive lover.
他把做♥爱♥说成 “拿肋骨”
He kept referring to their lovemaking as “getting some rib.”
他不知道自己在干嘛
He had no clue what he was doing.
他搞不清楚状况
He was completely lost.
他对夏娃说的第一句话是
One of the first things he said to Eve was:
“退後 我不知道这东西会变多大”
“Stand back, darling, I don’t know how big this thing gets.”
谢谢 谢谢
Thanks. Thank you.
你来好吗? – 还好
You okay? – Yeah.
她非常厉害
She did good.
我觉得好多了 不知道怎麽感谢你们
You know what? I feel so much better. I can’t thank you enough.
谢谢
Thank you.
谢谢
Thank you.
为莱拉掌声鼓励
Let’s hear it for Lilah Krytsick. All right.
棒极了 莱拉
Incredible. Fabulous, Lilah.
下一位表演者…
This next comedian has been waiting…
笑死他们- 妳害我变困难了
Go kill them. – You didn’t make it easy.
你没问题吧 – 看着我吧
I think you can handle it. – Just watch me.
各位 史帝芬高德
Ladies and gentlemen, Steven Gold.
欢迎史帝芬高德
Let’s hear it for Steven Gold.
谢谢
Thank you.
大家晚安… 好极了
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Great.
好极了!
Great!
我已经搞砸了 “大家晚安”
I blew it already. “Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.”
你们 认为真是无聊又老套?
Can you get any more trite or boring than that?
我不这麽想
I don’t think so.
我想让评审… 刮目相看
Here I am, trying to impress these judges…
而我却用了演艺史上最老掉牙的句子
…and I start with the oldest phrase in the history of showbiz.
我想在台上大展身手 却说了最容易被忘记的话
Something completely forgettable when what I’m trying to do is be remembered up here.
这些评审怎麽认为呢?
How about these judges?
嗨 凯萨!
“Hail, Caesar! Hail, Caesar!
我是斯巴达克斯! 我是斯巴达克斯!
“I am Spartacus! I am Spartacus!”
我们来认识一下评审 好吗?
Why don’t we get to know our judges personally, shall we?
他们是赖瑞 莫伊 寇利… 我开玩笑的
They are: Larry, Moe, Curly Joe… I’m kidding around.
奇哥 哈波 奇波… 别闹了
Seriously, Chico, Harpo, Zeppo. All right, cut it out.
佛瑞 威玛 巴尼… 别说了
Fred, Wilma, Barney… Will you knock it off?
雷西 班吉 林丁丁…
I’m funny. Okay, Lassie, Benji, Rin Tin Tin.
好了 他们是…
Hey! All right! They are:
有个穿着正式的家伙
Some well-dressed guy.
旁边是他的同志爱人
Next to him, his homosexual Svengali lover.
一个女人
A woman.
还有个被电台赶走的家伙 那太低级了
Some guy who got thrown out of radio. Is that the lowest?
最後是罗宾葛林
And finally, Robyn Green.
他出现在这个舞台上
Robyn Green, when he appeared right here on this very stage…
他会被这样介绍
And what he did… Robyn was introduced:
“各位 欢迎风格喜剧天王 罗宾葛林”
“Ladies and gentlemen, the comedy stylings of Robyn Green.”
风格喜剧? 那是什麽东西? 他不是皮肤科医生
“Comedy stylings”? What did that mean? Like, he’s not a dermatologist.
他是皮肤风格师
He’s a skin stylist.
不是牙医 而是牙齿风格师
Not a dentist, but a tooth stylist.
不是理发师 而是毛发风格师 发型风格师
Not a barber, but a barb stylist. A hair stylist.
发型风格师
A hair stylist.
我想这才是正确的
I guess that would be right.
谁想当喜剧演员?
Who wants to be a comedian anyway?
我本来要当超级英雄的
When I was a kid, I wanted to be a superhero.
我想住在堡垒里
I wanted to live in a super fortress.
即使有些英雄拥有惊人的力量
Even though some superheroes have pretty jive powers.
水行侠能在水底呼吸还会跟鱼说话
Aqua Man? Aqua Man can breathe underwater and talk to fish.
这算什麽超能力?
These are super powers?
神力女超人… 驾驶隐形喷射机
Wonder Woman? Wonder Woman flew an invisible jet.
她怎麽找得到喷射机?
How did she find it?
在机场跑道上乱跑碰运气吗?
She stumbled around the runway until she got lucky? “Oh, here it is.”
塔台说 “我们认为妳应该办出境”
What did the control tower tell her? “We think you have clearance.”
任何人都能当超级英雄吗?
Can anybody be a superhero?
餐桌侠
Table Man.
他在四人晚宴上就能铲除犯罪
He solves crimes at dinner for four.
摩托车超人 他的安全帽有神秘机关
The Motorcycle Guy. His helmet has secret compartments.
肥肥女超人 歹徒跑光了! 谁部会跑呢?
Big Lady. Criminals flee. Who wouldn’t?
纽约计程车司机一定要有当私人司机的驾照
New York cab drivers are required to have chauffeurs’ licenses.
这又是什麽意思? “别按喇叭了
Now, what is the point of this? “Stop the honking.
我是为了人命煞车的 杀了我啊
“I brake for human beings. So shoot me.
我不能辗过那个女士”
“I can’t just run the old lady down.
“下一站 帝国大厦
“Okay, people, next stop, Empire State Building.
知道怎麽到帝国大厦吗? 练习…”
“You know how to get there? Practice, practice.”
我不讨厌计程车司机或任何人
I don’t hate taxi drivers. I don’t hate anybody.
这世界… 太令人困惑 很难去讨厌谁
The world is far too confusing a place to hate anybody.
我不讨厌真银行员跟我说
I don’t even hate that clown at the bank who tells me…
支票十天不能兑现
…I can’t cash my cheque for 10 days.
或是市场的混♥蛋♥或地下铁的白♥痴♥
Or that jerk at the supermarket. Or those idiots on the subway.
或者把电♥话♥公♥司♥拆散的那些家伙
Or these geniuses who broke up the phone company.
或领导流行的人 我不讨厌他们…
Or trendsetters. I don’t hate trendsetters.
那些告诉我们现在流行甚麽的人
People who tell us what is “hot” and what is “not.”
别告诉我该做什麽! 我不讨厌领导流行的人
Don’t tell me what to do! I don’t hate them.
别告诉我该做什麽! 我不要再穿喇叭裤了
Don’t tell me what to do! I’m not wearing bellbottoms.
我不要再穿了
I am not wearing them again!
如果摩洛哥王子穿了喇叭裤 我也不在乎
I don’t care if the Prince of Morocco is wearing them.
他又不住在这里
I know, he doesn’t have to live here. I do.
我不讨厌领导流行的人或初入社交圈的女人
I don’t hate trendsetters. Or debutantes!
我不讨厌初入社交圈的女人
I don’t hate debutantes!
我不讨厌年轻 富有 白种…
I don’t hate young, rich, white…
初入社交圈的女人
…female debutantes!
我甚至不在乎她们
I don’t even care about debutantes.
她们花了一千元做头发 那又怎样?
They spend $1,000 on their hair. So what? They’re debutantes.
她们戴着高价钻饰 那又怎样?
They’re wearing priceless diamond tiaras. So what? They’re debutantes!
她们对全球饥荒发表意见 谁甩她们?
They have opinions on world hunger. Who cares? They’re debutantes!
这是现身派对吗? 她们从劳斯莱斯里现生
They’re having a coming-out party? They’re coming out of a Rolls Royce.
那跟我们知道的生活又有什麽关系?
What does this have to do with life as we know it?
我不讨厌初入社交圈的女人
I don’t hate debutantes!
我谁都不讨厌
I don’t hate anybody.
我不是心存仇恨的人
I’m not a hate-monger.
我算是仇恨风格师 谢谢各位
I’m more of a hate-stylist, if you will. Thank you very much.
谢谢
Thank you.
谢谢
Thank you.
谢谢
Thank you.
精彩! 史帝芬高德的疯狂世界
Bravo! Bravo! The demented world of Steven Gold.
我们为史帝芬高德热烈鼓掌
Ladies and gentlemen, let’s have a hand for Steven Gold.
也为其他表演者鼓掌吧
How about a hand for the other performers we heard here tonight?
说得好 – 给我一杯酒
Good stuff. – Thanks. Give me a drink.
你太棒了
You were wonderful.
你太棒了 – 谢谢
You were great. – Thanks.
非常有说服力 非常有风格
Very convincing, very powerful, very Shaka Zulu.
你太棒了
You were great.
真的吗? – 当然
Do you really think so? – Absolutely.
不是成功就是身败名裂
It was do or die tonight.