头条笑料 Punchline（1988）

走进去说
…and I walk into the place and I say:
“我要地毯 但我不知道尺寸”
“Hi. I want carpet, but I don’t have the square footage.”
一个伊朗人会说
An Iranian guy’ll say:
“你不要地毯
“You don’t want carpet…
你需要小… 地毯”
“…you want an area rug.”
我说 “我不要小… 地毯”
And I say, “No, I don’t want an ‘area rug.”‘
他们就像刚出生的秃鹰
These people are like newly-born bald eagles.
小… 地毯
You know, it’s like “area rug.”
不摇摆就没有意义
“It don’t mean a thing if it ain’t got that swing”
波尔先生呢? 我们找不到他
Have you seen Mr. Ball? We can’t find him up here.
他不在这
He’s not down here.
赶快找到他 否则他就赶不上表演了
Somebody better find him. He’s about to miss his spot.
来说玛莉亚 玛莉亚 玛莉亚 波贝莉
Let’s do a Mary: “Mary, Mary, bo Birley, Bonana fanna
佛斐莉 菲佛玛莉亚
“fo Firley, fee fy mo Mary, Mary!”
在来是耶稣
A little trick with Jesus:
耶稣 耶稣 摩耶稣 佛耶稣 菲佛耶稣…
“Jesus, Jesus, bo Jesus, Bonana fanna fo Jesus, fee fy mo Jesus, Jesus!”
约翰保罗教皇
Let’s do Pope John Paul.
哈罗
Hello.
里面有人吗?
Is anybody in there?
波尔先生?
Mr. Ball?
这是男厕
This is the men’s room.
你还好吗?
Are you all right?
我办不到
I can’t do it.
你可以
Yes, you can. You’re up.
我会吐 – 深呼吸
I’m gonna puke. – Take a deep breath.
他们会讨厌我 – 他们会爱死你的
They’ll hate me. – They’ll love you.
他们一向讨厌我
They always hate me.
你会转变局面的
You’re gonna turn it around tonight.
你这麽觉得? – 对 我是这麽认为
You think so? – Yes, I think so.
我感觉到了 真的感觉到了
I feel it. I really feel it.
为你的学生好好表演 – 我要好好表演
Do it for your students. – I got to do it for them.
为了历史系 – 为了历史系 我要办到
And for the History Department. – History Department. I got to do it.
上台去迷死观众 – 我会努力的
Get out on that stage and kill. – I’ll try.
你办得到
You’ll try? You’ll do it.
看到我老婆了吗?
Did you notice my wife?
她的座位很好 你的样子很帅
And she’s got a good seat. You look wonderful.
喜欢这套西装吗? – 喜欢
Thanks. Like the suit? – Very much.
两面都能穿
It’s reversible.
比利?
Billy?
我喜欢旅行 因为当你旅行时会看到许多历史故事
I love travelling, because when you travel you see a lot of history.
我去过法国
I went to France.
你得懂法语 不然他们会讨厌你
You have to know the language there, otherwise they don’t like you.
我买♥♥了卷叫 “趁你睡觉时学法语的” 录音带
So I bought these tapes, where you learn while you sleep.
我的带子有时候怪怪的
But there was something wrong with my tape.
过了一半会播迪斯可
Halfway through, it went into disco music.
但我不知道 直到我到了法国…
I didn’t know this until I got there.
当我到了那里 有人说 “你懂法语吗?”
I get off the plane, someone goes, “Parlez-vous francais?”
我说是 嗯啊… 我喜欢
I went, “Oui, uh-huh, uh-huh, I like it.”
我想到加拿大…
I went to Canada…
史帝芬 比利有点不对劲
Steven, something’s wrong with Billy.
这里有压♥迫♥感吗?
Is there any pressure right here?
没有
No.
这只手臂会刺痛吗? 左手会麻吗?
Is there any sensation in this arm or numbness in the left hand?
不会
No.
反胃? 头痛?
Is your stomach queasy? Do you have a headache?
没有
No.
你有在吃药吗?
Are you taking any medication?
没有
None.
看了烂电视节目吗?
Seen any bad TV shows or anything?
呼吸时会痛吗?
Okay. Is there any pain when you breathe? Any pain there?
我这样抬起你的手臂时呢?
Any pain when I lift your arm up like this?
我没有什麽疼痛 你没必要下来
I don’t have any pain. You didn’t have to come down here.
找人带你回家好吗?
Is there someone who can take you home tonight?
我要留下来
I’m going to stay.
我要看谁获胜
I want to see who wins.
不是心脏病发作 你的脉搏很稳
It’s not a heart attack. You’ve got a rock-steady pulse.
我很好
I’m fine.
你在这里没问题吗?
Okay. You’ll be all right down here?
别紧张 放轻松
Okay, just relax. Take it easy.
获胜的感觉很棒
You know, it’s a great feeling to win.
我在赌城赢过一次比赛
I did it once in a contest in Las Vegas.
比这次盛大多了
It was bigger than this.
我赢得上艾德苏利文秀的机会
I won a shot on the Ed Sullivan Show.
听说过吗?
Ever hear of it?
那节目比强尼卡森秀还大
It was bigger than Carson.
大多了
Bigger.
比不上的
Any day.
我必须告诉你们 我有酗酒的问题
I have to tell this right off, folks. I have a drinking problem.
我整晚像条鱼一样喝个不停
I’ve been drinking like a fish all night.
这事我对牙医的印象
Here’s my impression of a dentist’s appointment.
“不会痛的”
“This won’t hurt a bit.”
他不错
God, he’s good.
还不能击败我 – 你要上场了
But not good enough to take me. – You’re up for it.
对 我有新的笑料 你呢?
Yeah. I’m going out with a bang. I got all new stuff. How about you?
我也有新笑料
I’ve got some new stuff.
很好 那就上去击败我吧
Good. Get up there and beat me up with it.
我会尽力 – 我会更好
I’ll do the best I can. – I’ll do better.
我知道你们想听什麽 笑话!
I know what you people want now. Jokes!
史帝芬 对不起 我绝对无意伤害你
Steven, I’m sorry. I never meant to hurt you.
算了 妳没有错过什麽
Forget it. You’re not missing anything.
我在床上表现很差
I’m a lousy lay.
我也是
Yeah, so am I.
看到了吗? 我们是天生一对
See? We’d have been perfect for each other.
怎麽了? – 下一个是我
What? – I’m on next.
放轻松 你会表现得很好
So? Take it easy, you’ll be fine.
天啊 我什麽都记不起来
God, I can’t remember anything.
6为什麽怕7?
Why is six afraid of seven?
因为7吃掉9
Because seven “eight” nine.
上去笑死他们 – 她结婚了
Go kill them. – She’s married…
她是 “爆笑妈妈” 莱拉克里西
…she’s “the mother that roared.” Let’s have a big hand for Lilah Krytsick.
上来吧 莱拉
Come on, Lilah. Come on up here.
谢了 史帝芬
Thanks, Steven.
嗨
Hi.
你们好吗? – 好
How are you? – Fine.
嗨 – 嗨
Hi. – Hi.
你叫什麽名字 – 马克
What’s your name? – Mark.
马克 结婚了吗?
Mark, are you married?
结了 这是我老婆
Yes. This is my wife.
结婚多久了?
How long have you been married?
半年 – 半年?
Six months. – “Six months”?
太久了 – 太久了?
Too long. – “Too long”?
听着 你们不该笑 说真的 那很不容易
Now listen, you shouldn’t laugh. It’s very difficult. It honestly is.
我的意思是 我们都清楚没有碰过这种事
I mean, we all know this. You’re never on solid ground.
我嫁给我老公15年了
I’ve been married to my husband for 15 years.
有时候我会看着他说
Sometimes I look at him and say:
“他是谁? 他怎麽进来的?
“Who is this man? How did he get in my house?
我以前没看过他”
“I’ve never seen him before in my life.”
其他时候 我们合为一体
And other times our identities meld.
我发痒 他就抓 我感觉很舒服
I itch. He scratches. I feel better.
我不知道谁先开始或结束
I don’t know where he ends and I begin.
除了在床上的时候
Except in bed…
他结束时我才刚要开始
…when he’s usually ending, just when I’m beginning.
其实在我们结婚前…
You know, the thing is, before we were married…
经常做♥爱♥ 他会跟我说
…when we used to, you know, make love, he would say to me:
“噢 亲爱的 妈的 妳感觉超棒
“Oh, sweetheart, goddamn, you feel so good.
妳好漂亮 我好爱妳”
“You’re so beautiful. I love you so much.”
现在他会说 “把头移开 我看不到萤幕”
And now he says, “Move your head, I can’t see the screen.”
婚前 我老公约翰他会…
Before we were married, my husband John always used to go…
他会…
And he used to go…
他会…
And he used to go…