头条笑料 Punchline（1988）

妳会喜欢的
You’re gonna love this.
这东西好像好了 她在哪?
This stuff looks ready. Where is she?
她说5点半前会回家 – 都6点了
She said she’d be home by 5:30. – It’s almost 6:00.
她在美容院
She’s getting her hair done.
那要花多久时间? – 把烤肉拿出来
How long does that take? – You’d better take the roast out.
我该怎麽做?
What do I do?
打开烤箱拿出来
You open the oven and take it out.
少自作聪明 – 对不起
Don’t get smart with me. – Sorry.
不要吃了 不然会吃不下饭
Stop eating those. You’ll spoil your appetite.
莱拉?
Lilah?
我不是故意的
I didn’t mean to do it.
我只是想改变一下
I just wanted to change.
我不是故… – 别激动
I didn’t mean to… – Take it easy.
妈 别哭
Mom, don’t cry.
没关系 莱拉
Take it easy, Lilah.
来 亲爱的 到这里
Come on now, honey, come here.
坐下 坐
Just sit down now.
我不是故意的
I didn’t do it on purpose.
坐下 没那麽糟
Sit down. It’s not that bad.
我好像荞麦妹
I look like Buckwheat.
妳只是不习惯而已 我们会习惯的
You’re just not used to it. We’ll just have to get used to it.
对 我们会习惯的
Yeah, we gotta get used to it.
好嘛? – 好
Okay? – Okay.
让我们好好看一下
We’ll see what we got here. Let me look at it.
好 – 我看看
Okay. – I’ll take a look. Okay?
美呆了 – 真的吗?
I think it’s wonderful. – You do?
毫无疑问 – 简直像电影明星
No question. – You look like a movie star.
妳随便说说的吧? – 没有
You’re not just saying that? – No.
美得像美国小姐
You look like Miss America.
妳是最美的妈妈
You’re the prettiest mother of any kid at my school.
比以前好看多了
It looks better than it ever looked.
我学校的那些妈妈跟妳比起来像猪一样
Mothers at my school are pigs compared to you.
她们简直就是母猪
They are. They’re oinkers compared to you.
妳的发型是全世界最美的
You’ve got the prettiest hair of anyone in the world.
亲爱的
Sweetheart.
亲爱的 谢谢你
Honey, thank you.
谢谢你
Thank you.
嘿 莱拉
Yo, Lilah.
史帝芬
Steven.
妳好吗?
How’s it going?
不太好?
Tough going?
这套衣服不错 – 谢谢 这是我的义式打扮
I like your outfit. – Thank you. It’s my Italian look.
已婚妇女 单身男子 见不得人的外遇
Married woman, single man, scandalous affair.
妳的头怎麽了 – 很糟糕?
What happened to your head? – It’s terrible, isn’t it?
没有 没有
No, no.
他们在上面钻洞打保龄球?
Did they drill holes in it for bowling?
谢谢 史帝芬 我就知道我能依赖你
Thank you, Steven. I knew I could count on you.
随时 喝咖啡吗? 我们得等雨停
Always. Coffee? Dry out a bit.
佩德罗 请来两杯拿铁咖啡
Pedro, dos cafe con leche, por favor.
我的电♥话♥让妳惹上麻烦了吗?
Did I get you in trouble when I called the house?
不是你的错
No. It’s not your fault.
怎麽回事?
What’s the deal?
他不让妳上台表演
He doesn’t let you have friends or do stand-up.
但没想到竟然让妳出来
I’m surprised he lets you out the house.
他以为我来参加母姊会
He thinks I’m at a P.T.A. Meeting.
为什麽不离开他?
So why don’t you leave him?
妳办得到
You could do that, you know.
那是常有的事
People do it all the time.
尤其在他知道有另一个男人时候…
Especially now that he knows there’s another man.
妳可以带着孩子离开
You could pack up those kids and split.
我只有几分钟 能不能认真谈谈?
I’ve only got a couple of minutes. Could we talk serious?
知道为什麽6怕7吗?
Okay. You know why six is afraid of seven?
什麽? – 这就是妳想要的认真谈谈
What? – You want to talk serious. This is.
妳知道6为什麽怕7吗? – 不知道
You know why six is afraid of seven? – No.
因为7吃掉9
Because seven “eight” nine.
这是孩子的笑话 我常去小孩子的派对 孩子一旦认识我就会爱上我
It’s a kid’s joke. I do kids’ parties. Kids love me once they get to know me.
只要妳的孩子认识我 也会爱上我
And I think that your kids will love me, once they get to know me.
当然
I’m sure.
胡萝卜和莴苣先生出了车祸
Mr. Carrot and Mr. Lettuce had a terrible auto accident.
医生会说什麽?
You know what the doctor said at the hospital?
他们一辈子都会是植物人
They’d be vegetables all their lives.
妳听过了? – 没有
You knew it? – No, I didn’t.
我女朋友最近好瘦好瘦 知道有多瘦吗?
I had a girlfriend, she was so skinny. You know how skinny she was?
她就像一根温度计?
When she drank tomato juice she looked like a thermometer?
没错 她有多丑? – 这些都是老笑话了
Right. You know how ugly she was? – These are so old.
告诉我她有多丑 – 她有多丑?
Tell me how ugly she was. – How ugly was she?
当她走进房♥间里…
When she walked into a room…
老鼠都会跳进椅子上 – 看到了吗?
…all the mice jumped on chairs. – Do you see?
看到了吗 如果我们在一起
Do you see how great we would be?
而且结婚的话会有多棒?
Together, I mean, married or something.
对 这就是我要说的 我说结婚
That’s right. That’s what I said. I said “married.”
史帝芬 我爱我老公
Steven, I love my husband.
如果我们要结婚 妳必须忘了这个念头
If we’re gonna be married, you’ll have to get over that.
也许你不相信 但是他也爱我
I know you don’t believe it, but he loves me, too. He does.
有时我认为他应该获颁勋章
Sometimes I think he deserves a medal.
你只是想太多了
You just took it too far.
我们以前是朋友 现在还是
We were… We are friends, we are.
我们还是能见面
It’s not like we won’t see each other. We will.
妳要放弃脱口秀节目?
You gonna give up stand-up comedy?
我不知道
I don’t know.
我就是这样 我是喜剧先生 妳不表演就等於跟我告别
That’s where I am, babe. I’m Mr. Comedy. And if you kiss it off, you’re kissing me off.
所以别跟我说我们还会再见面
So don’t tell me we’ll see each other again.
我家人需要我
They’re my family. They need me.
如果我说没有妳我会死呢?
What if I told you that I was going to die without you?
我不会说的 但我若那麽说呢?
Not that I am, but what if I told you I was?
妳是我活下去的唯一动力
That I woke this morning and you were all I had to keep me going.
喜剧能让你活下去
You have comedy to keep you going.
你要我怎样? – 没怎样!
Jesus, what do you want from me? – Nothing!
回纽泽西去打扫房♥子
Just go back to New Jersey and clean house…
讲笑话给妳的吸尘器听
…and tell jokes into a vacuum cleaner handle.
等妳老公回家 给他别上勋章 别得深一点
And when your husband comes home, pin a fucking medal on him. Pin it deep.
你认为这是我想要的? – 我不知道妳想要什麽
You think that’s what I want? – I don’t know what you want.
套句我们同事比利蓝恩的话
In the words of our own Billy Lane:
“我一生的挚爱是一个叫喜剧的女士”
“The love of my life is a lady named Comedy.”
套句季辛吉的话
And in the words of Kissinger:
“别把男人的行李拿走”
“A man shouldn’t be separated from his luggage.”
丘脑连结了基本神经节
Right where the thalamus joins the basal ganglia.
如果妳没听过神经节就等於没听过莎士比亚!
And if you haven’t heard basal ganglia, you haven’t heard Shakespeare!
像花生大小的东西 通过神经节…
The basal ganglia, where something passing through the size of just a peanut…
别这样! – 就会导致无声!
Don’t do this! …can bring silence!
黑暗 就像彗星或船只飞越过黑夜
Darkness, like a comet, like a ship, Io, passing into the night.
住口! 你吓坏我了
This scares me. Stop it!
别怕 我是搞笑史帝芬 头上戴着灯罩
Don’t be scared, because I’m funny Steve with a lampshade on his head…
唱歌♥跳舞来娱乐各位
…who is singing and dancing, for your entertainment…
他要表演雨中欢唱!
…his own rendition of Singing in the Rain!
【试镜】
【加油站】
大家都过来 我有话要说
Girls, everybody, come close. I wanna talk to you.
马提 上来 找史都帮你
Marty, come up here. Get Stu to give you a hand. Come on.
总共有5个评审
There are gonna be five judges. Five judges.
请他们坐7号♥桌
I want them seated at Table 7.
伊芙 妳来招乎他们
Eve, you take care of them.
一切登免费招待
Everything’s on the cuff. Everything’s on the house.
各位!
You guys!
罗宾葛林慧来 他是评审之一
They say that Robyn Green is coming and he’s going to be one of the judges.
有什麽了不起!
Big fucking deal!
走开 – 我不知道把车停哪里
You. No way, okay. – I don’t know where to park.
别停在这 – 我是来表演的
You can’t park here, okay. – I’m one of the comics.
什麽? – 我是来表演的
What? – I’m one of the comics.
他要上台表演
Don’t tell him to go, he’s on the show.
倒车 – 他会赢的
All right. Back it up. – He’s gonna win.