X计划（2012）

华纳兄弟影业及制♥作♥人向
对这部电影的录像制♥作♥有所贡献的所有人致敬
我们也同时对您所即将看到的事件
向加利福尼亚州北帕萨迪纳的执法人员及居民致歉
怎么样啊 我亲爱的美眉们!
What up, my lovely females!
我是为你们主持今晚派对的帅哥考斯特
This is your boy, Costa, your host for the evening.
我身后是托马斯·库布家的房♥子 今天是托马斯·库布的生日
Behind me is Thomas Kub’s house. Today is Thomas Kub’s birthday.
这就是X计划 哟
And this is Project X, yo.
X计划
嘿 我们需要美臀
Hey, we want some pussy
嘿 我们需要美臀
Hey, we want some pussy
生日蛋糕 嗯
Birthday cake. Mm.
– 达克斯 我的老二今晚要湿了 – 什么
– Dax, my dick is gonna get so wet tonight. – Excuse me.
我考 呃 库布夫人 我以为你们已经走了呢
Shit. Um, Mrs. Kub, I thought you guys left already.
– 那 晚上什么要湿了? – 呃…
– So, what’s getting wet tonight? – Uh…
没什么 刚才失礼了 库布夫人
Nothing. I’m sorry about that, Mrs. Kub.
– 你朋友是谁? – 别管他
– Who’s your friend? – Don’t worry about him.
我们在帮托马斯拍摄生日录影
We’re shooting this birthday movie for Thomas.
就像记录”生命中的一天”之类的 没什么的
Like this day-in-the-life type thing. No big deal.
他还在洗澡
He’s still in the shower.
那待会见
See you later.
我擦 差点被逮到了
Fuck me, that was close.
嘿 达克斯
Dax.
生日快乐 混♥蛋♥!
Happy birthday, motherfucker!
喔啊 该死! 搞什么鬼啊 老兄?
Whoa, shit! What the fuck, dude?
– 搞什么鬼啊? – 我对着你妈打飞机呢
What the fuck? – I’m jerking off to your mom.
那 老兄 最后一天当废物 感觉如何?
So, dude, it’s your last day of being a loser. How does it feel?
你真是个混♥蛋♥ 考斯特
You’re such a dick, Costa.
屡试不爽啊
Shit never gets old.
再等一天
# Wait for another day #
怎么了 达克斯? 他们怎么把你弄到这里来的?
What’s up, Dax? How’d they rope you into this?
他是J.B.的同志影片俱乐部里的人
He’s one of J.B.’s guys from Gay-V Club.
他是个该死的怪胎 我知道 但他拍摄技术不错
He’s a fucking weirdo, I know, but he’s a solid shooter.
他要把我们拍得像皮条客 你最好如此
And he’s gonna make us look pimp, and you fucking better.
托马斯 快下来!
Thomas, get down here!
噢 该死 咱们走吧
Oh, shit. Let’s go.
你说你父母7点前就走的
You said your parents would be gone by 7.
我可不想跟你老爸闲扯
I don’t wanna go talk to your fucking dad.
不准在客厅吃东西 你妈妈会杀了我的 那我就只能杀了你们了
No food in the living room. Your mother will kill me and I’ll have to kill you guys.
– 给你40美元买♥♥披萨 好吗? – 哦好
– Here’s 40 bucks for pizza, okay? – Oh, cool.
你们可以吃吃披萨 当你自己家 不要客气
You guys can have that. Knock yourself out.
从后门进 或者把警报系统关了
Back door or turn the alarm system off.
听着 托马斯 我不傻 我知道你会请朋友来玩
And look, Thomas, I’m not an idiot. I know you’re gonna have friends over.
老爸 你以为会发生什么?
Dad, what do you think is gonna happen?
库布先生 说实话 我们不会有…
Mr. Kub, honestly, we have no…
嗯嗯 抱歉 你是谁?
Mm-mm. I’m sorry. Who are you?
– 这是达克斯 – 这是什么?
– This is Dax. – What is this?
他在帮我拍摄生日录影 你知道的 就算生日礼物了
He’s shooting a movie for my birthday, you know, a little present.
– 不知道你还有哥德的朋友 – 他是学校里的朋友
– Didn’t know you had Goth friends. – He’s just a friend from school.
最多四到五个朋友
Four or five friends, tops.
我只是请你尊重一下我的房♥子 好吗?
I’m just asking that you please respect my house, okay?
好的 好
All right, fine.
给园丁留个门
So leave the gate open for the gardener.
我知道不需要提醒你 不准动我的车
And I know I don’t need to tell you, but my car is off limits.
– 嗯 爸 知道了 – 好 行了
– Yeah, Dad, I know. – Good. Okay.
游泳池加热器 不准碰
The pool heater, don’t touch it.
另外 伙计们 不准踏进我的办公室 明白吗?
And also, guys, do not go in my office, right?
我手头上有三个项目 我不想任何人进去 清楚了吗?
I have three projects I’m working on. I don’t want anybody in there, clear?
– 出去 出去 出去 – 爸…
– Get out, out, out. – Dad…
一只苍蝇都不能放进去 好吗?
Nothing goes in here, right?
你妈呢? 我要去拿那些包
Where’s your mom? I’m gonna get the bags.
怎么了? 出什么事了?
What’s going on? What’s the matter?
– 我只是有点担心 – 担心什么?
– I’m just worried. – About what?
不知道 整个周末把托马斯一个人留下
I don’t know. Thomas, leaving him alone all weekend.
噢 别说了 想想看 亲爱的 他都17岁了
Oh, please, stop it. Come on, honey. He’s 17 years old.
那正是我担心的
That’s what I’m worried about.
咱们现实点吧 好吗?
Let’s be realistic here, okay?
我们说的是托马斯 他又不是什么万人迷
This is Thomas we’re talking about. He’s not exactly Mr. Popular.
– 你这是什么意思? – 我只是说他不是那种孩子
– What is that supposed to mean? – I’m just saying that he’s not that type of kid.
他有些朋友 他们出去鬼混 但他们也不会真做什么的
He’s got a couple of friends. They’re gonna hang out, but they’re not gonna do anything.
他是个体贴的孩子 但是…
He’s a sweet kid, but…
他有点窝囊
…he’s a loser.
祝你生日快乐
Happy birthday to you
– 生日快乐 托马斯 – 喔! 耶!
Happy birthday, Thomas. – Whoo! Yay!
好了 亲爱的 车来了
All right, honey, car is here.
– 小伙子们 该去上学了 – 好
– Boys, gotta get to school. – Cool.
等一等 我们去拿托马斯的生日礼物
Hold on. We gotta give Thomas his birthday present.
你们知道 托马斯在你们结婚纪念日出生有多酷吗?
How cool is it that Thomas was born on your anniversary?
多完美的纪念日礼物 一个孩子
What a great anniversary gift, a baby.
– 生日快乐 亲爱的 – 啊
– Happy birthday, sweetie. – Ahh.
– 妈妈的小货车? 太好了 – 是啊
– Mom’s minivan? Nice. – Yeah.
只是用来上下学代步 就这样 明白吗?
It’s just for school and back. That’s it, right?
– 嗯 太感谢你们了 – 很酷吧? 你现在有车了
– Yes. Thank you so much. – Cool, right? You have a car now.
– 我知道 – 好了
I know. – Okay.
还有 麦洛 你要好好照顾托马斯 好吗? 妈妈会想你的
And, Milo, you take good care of Thomas, okay? Momma’s gonna miss you.
– 好了 拜拜 – 好了 再见
– Okay, bye. – All right, see you guys.
我所有电♥话♥ 你们都要接 明白吗?
Every one of my phone calls gets answered, right?
– 嗯 知道了 – 每个电♥话♥啊 好了
– Yeah, I know. – Every one. Okay.
– 好 玩得开心点 – 拜拜
– All right, have fun. – Bye.
结婚周年纪念日快乐
Happy anniversary.
赶紧下去吧 你这小同性恋狗
Get off me, you little faggot dog.
– 耶! – 狂欢开始了 混♥蛋♥!
– Yeah! – It’s on, motherfuckers!
– 喔! – 老兄 别激动 该死
– Whoo! – Dude, chill out. Goddamn.
你♥爸♥妈帮你把车打扫清洗干净真是太酷了
It was really cool of your mom and dad to clean it out and wash it for you.
这辆轿车又没要钱 我可不想抱怨白拿了辆免费轿车
It’s a free car. I’m not about to complain about a free car.
首先 这根本算不上轿车
It’s not even a car.
是辆该死的小型货车 都不好意思开出去啊
It’s a fucking minivan. We can’t even roll in this.
老兄 真可惜你老爸没把那辆奔驰给你 那样就屌♥了
Dude, too bad your dad didn’t give you the Benz. That’d have been sick.
你知道吗 你说的没错 考斯特 那开你的车吧
You know what, you’re right, Costa. Let’s just take your car.
– 哦 你没车啊 – 这笑话真♥他♥妈♥好笑 这笑话真♥他♥妈♥好笑
– Oh, you don’t have one. – Good fucking joke, good fucking joke.
那 混♥蛋♥ 你为今晚做好准备了吗?
So, dog, you ready for tonight?
在咱们办派对之前 我正好想跟你说这事呢
I actually wanna talk to you about that, you know, before we jump into it.
– 我就知道 你想退出了是是吧 – 什么?
– I knew it. You’re bitching out. – What?
什么? 老兄 才不是呢
What? Dude, I’m not bitching out.
托马斯像个小娘们一样准备退出了
Thomas is bitching out like the little bitch that he is.
– 去你的 – 哦 天呐
Fuck you. – Oh, my God.
– 哦 该死 – 我们需要这场派对 你需要这场派对
– Oh, shit. – We need this party. You need this party.
我只是紧张 要是没人来怎么办? 要是派对烂透了怎么办?
I’m just nervous. What if nobody shows up? What if it sucks?
没这个可能性 肯定会有人来的
That’s not an option. People will show up.
看J.B.他就像小胖版的雨人一样 在那发短♥信♥
Look at J.B. He’s like a little fat Rain Man, texting away.
– 别闹了 老兄 – 你觉得他不需要那个派对?
Dude, stop. You’re telling me he doesn’t need this?
天呐 老兄 你♥爸♥妈送你了辆小货车? 太棒了!
Holy shit, dude. Your parents gave you the minivan? That’s awesome!
– 是啊 – 嘿 考斯特 嘿 达克斯
– Yeah. – Hey, Costa. Hey, Dax.
不会吧 你骗人的吧
That isn’t happening. That’s not real.
– 呃 抱歉… – 抱歉
– Uh, excuse me… – Sorry.
嘿 你挡着我的储物柜了?
Hey, can I get to my locker right there?
老兄 你干嘛盯着我的老二啊?
Dude, why are you staring at my dick?
谁看了 我的储物柜在那儿 你们能让开一下吗?
I wasn’t. My locker’s there. Can I get to it?
– 随你说吧 该死的怪胎 – 老兄 算了吧 走吧
– Whatever, you fucking weirdo. – Dude, just let it go. Just come on.
– 嘿 那个小货车真不错啊 “足球妈妈” – 看 我就说吧
– Hey, that’s a sweet minivan, soccer mom. – See? See what I told you?
赞姆派对上的事是真的吗?
Is it true what I heard about you at Zam’s party?
他妈妈给你口♥交♥了?
You got a blowjob from his mom?
那个派对太变♥态♥了 所有人都上♥床♥了
That party was so sick. Everyone got laid.
连”轮椅罗伯特”都有人给他撸
Wheelchair Robert even got a handjob.
– 太棒了 – 搞笑吗?
Nice. – Are you kidding me?
为什么我们没去那个派对 老兄?
Why the fuck weren’t we at that party, man?
就是错过了一个派对嘛 老兄 有什么大不了的
So we missed a party, dude. Big deal.
当然大不了了 我们所有派对都错过了
It is a big deal. We miss every party.
我是说 你听到那家伙说的了吗? 连”轮椅罗伯特”都爽了一把
I mean, did you hear that guy? Wheelchair Robert got beat off.
我要给你看点东西 看到没? 来看看
I wanna show you something. See this? Check this out.
那是斯塔西娅 她美呆了吧? 那是我在皇后区的女朋友
That’s Stasia. Gorgeous, right? That’s my girl back in Queens.
我们也可以搞上这种正妞的 但我们得先改变游戏规则
We could be crushing this kind of ass, but we need a game changer.
我是说 都没人认识我们