女性瘾者：第一部（2013）

我决定打扫一下 让工作环境更舒适
I decided to clean up in order to smooth the waters.
-早上好 先生 -有电♥话♥吗
– Good morning, sir. – Any calls?
没有 先生
No sir.
你做了什么
What have you done?
打扫了一下
Oh. I cleaned up.
你打扫了
You cleaned up?
这儿挺乱的…
It– it was quite messy and–
-莉兹 -是 先生
– Liz? – Yes sir?
她打扫了
She cleaned up.
我 我不知道 先生
I know– I didn’t know, sir.
-我坐在这儿没看到 -你疯了吗
– I was away from my desk. – Are you completely mad?
茶和油酥点心在这儿干什么
What is the tea and pastry doing here?
我以为你会喜欢这样的早餐
I thought that’s what you wanted for breakfast.
你以为
You thought? Mmm!
你不该自以为是
You’re not supposed to think.
我不是花钱请你来”以为”的
I don’t pay you to think, do I?
重做
This is a do-over.
-重做 -对
– A do-over? – Right.
拿起来 带出去
Pick it up, take it outside
重新做一份
and do it again.
等一下
One moment.
进来
Come in.
你现在想喝茶吃蛋糕吗
Would now be a good time for some tea and cake?
好 为什么不呢
Sure, why not.
妈的点心叉在哪
Where the fuck is my cake fork?
点心叉
Cake fork?
对
Right.
我本想给你拿一把的
I would’ve got you one,
但就觉得 不太合适
but it just… feels inappropriate.
娇气
Unmanly.
娘炮
Feminine.
不过另一方面
On the other hand,
点心叉算是
you must say that a cake fork is–
很实用的工具
is a rather practical tool.
像是刀和叉的结合
It’s like a cross between a knife and a fork.
重点在于
The point is that you’re supposed
应该用一只手托着点心碟
to be able to hold the cake dish with one hand,
另一只手切蛋糕
then cut it with the other…
然后再用叉子戳来吃
and then eat it with the fork.
这不是娘炮 至少也算是小资
It’s not feminine. It’s at least bourgeois.
传说布尔什维克
It’s said that the– the bolsheviks
横行俄♥国♥时
during their rampage through Russia,
为了将男人和男孩区分开
to separate the men from the boys,
精确说来 是将资产阶级和无产阶级区分开
or rather the bourgeoisie from the proletariat,
他们带了一个男孩
they brought a boy,
在烧毁房♥屋之前
and before burning down a house
派他进去查看屋里有没有点心叉
they sent him in to make sure they had cake forks.
你骗我的
That’s not true.
我没有第一手资料
I don’t have the story first-hand.
-你好 -你好
– Hello. – Hi.
不知道你能不能帮帮我
Hi, I was wondering if you could help me.
这东西突然变得好脏
It’s suddenly gone very dirty.
看 你把脏手放在上面了
See, you put your dirty fingers on there.
也许我们该给你洗洗手
Maybe we should wash your hands.
是啊
Yeah, better.
你一定天赋异禀吧
You must be very talented.
当然
Yeah sure.
如果你问杰罗姆 他一定会说
If you had asked Jerome, he would’ve said
是我先宣战的
that I was the one who had declared war.
他许多次带我进城
Many times he’d take me into town,
就为了让我帮他拿外套
just so I could hold his coat.
-那里 -哪呢
– There. – Where?
那里 那辆绿车后面
There, behind the green car.
车位不够大
It’s not big enough.
够大了 宽敞着呢
It is, there’s plenty of space.
我看到了
I saw it.
不够的
It’s not enough space.
跟你说车位很宽敞
I’m telling you there’s plenty of space.
不行
No.
我能试试吗
Can I try?
你能试试吗
Can you try?
我对这种事可拿手了
I’m a wizard at this.
我刚试过了 车位不够大 乔
I just tried it. There’s not enough space, Joe.
你也看到了 不够地方的
You just saw me do it. There’s not enough space.
好吗
Okay?
-我能试试吗 -你想试
– Can I try? – You wanna try?
为什么不呢
Why not?
这时候
It was about this time
我内心发生了巨大的改变
that a dramatic change happened inside of me.
我突然可以看到
I could suddenly see
杂乱之中的章法
a kind of order in the mess.
一切都大错特错
It was all very very wrong.
我想成为杰罗姆的一件东西
I wanted to be one of Jerome’s things.
我想被他一次次
I wanted to be picked up
拿起又放下
and put down again and again.
我想被他以一些
I wanted to be treated by his hands,
我不明白的复杂原则
according to some sophisticated principle
用双手触碰
that I didn’t understand.
他那双强有力的大手吗
His strong hands?
是的 但现在
Yes, but now it was
已经不止是他的双手了
no longer just about his hands.
好像他的一切都不同了
It was as if everything about him was different,
事实当然并非如此
which of course it wasn’t,
我脑中也非常明白
and I knew that in my head.
我痛斥自己以这种新眼光
And I scolded myself for seeing him
看待他
in this new light.
爱就是盲目的
Love is blind.
不不 比那更糟
No no no, it’s worse.
爱会扭曲事物
Love distorts things.
或者更糟 爱让你始料未及
Or even worse, love is something you’ve never asked for.
我想要好色的男人
The erotic was something I asked for
甚至要求这样的男人
or even demanded of men.
但这愚蠢的爱
But this idiotic love…
我觉得受到了羞辱
I felt humiliated by it…
还有随之而来的欺骗
And all the dishonesty that follows.
好色的是答应
The erotic is about saying yes.
爱是人类最低等的诉求
Love appeals to the lowest instincts,
裹在谎言之中
wrapped up in lies.
本意是拒绝
How do you say yes
又怎么答应呢 反之亦然
when you mean no and vice versa?
我羞耻于自己当时的模样
I’m ashamed of what I became,
但已经不由我控制
but it was beyond my control.
你知道自己现在在做什么吗
You know what you’re doing now?
不知道 我在做什么
No, what am I doing?
你在维护你的品行
You’re defending your personality.
我们现在不是为了揭露它吗
I thought the point was to reveal it.
这时 我又开始散步了
At this time I took up walking again.
我走进树林
I walked in the forest.
我童年的树林
The forest of my childhood.
我在同一条小道一遍又一遍地散着步
I took the same walk again and again.
走过门房♥向右转
Right turn after the gatehouse,
经过白蜡树再右转
and right again by the ash tree,
白蜡树拥有树林里最美的叶子
which has the most beautiful leaves in the forest.
再继续走 经过那位牵着贵宾犬的女士
And further on past the lady with her poodle
还有坐在长凳上的老人
and the old man on the bench.
我无法让自己
I couldn’t free myself
不去想杰罗姆 以及他不经意间的优雅
of the image of Jerome and his careless elegance.
这段时间里 我也跟其他男人做♥爱♥
And during this time, when I was with other men,
但我不让他们用手触碰我的身体
I forbade them to touch my body with their hands.
很快我♥干♥脆停止了做♥爱♥
And soon I stopped having sex altogether.