伦敦生活剧场版

when the flat needs a bit of going-over.
我从来不知道什么会让他发火
I never know what’s gotta set him off.
这让我一直胆战心惊
Keeps me on my toes.
我坐在马桶上
I sit on the loo.
想着所有现在能和我做♥爱♥的人
Think about all the people I can have sex with now.
我不是沉迷于做♥爱♥
I’m not obsessed with sex.
我只是会不停地想
I just can’t stop thinking about it.
其中的表现
The performance of it.
当中的尴尬
The awkwardness of it.
还有它的戏剧性
The drama of it.
突然间你发现有人想要
The moment you realize someone wants…
你的 身体
your body.
而并不在意它的感受
Not so much the feeling of it.
我想在哈利回来前差不多有一周时间
I reckon I got about a week before Harry gets back, so…
所以最好快点行动
…better get on it.
冲个澡 完成 冲进卧室化个妆 完成
Into the shower, boom, bedroom makeup, boom,
我真要好好收拾收拾
I’m gonna really make an effort.
我花了半小时想收拾得好看点
I take half an hour trying to look nice,
最后简直是美不胜收啊
and I end up looking amazing.
简直是这辈子最美的时刻了
I mean, just best in ages.
仿佛重回巅峰啊 牛逼
One of those days! Boom!
美极了 焕然一新 高跟鞋 小皮裙
Gorgeous! Fresh-faced, heels, wearing a skirt,
新外套 带着小性感去拯救我的咖啡店
a new top, little bit sexy, on my way to save my cafe.
没错 我神气极了
And, yes, I am strutting.
我看见一个男人从公交站向我走来
And I can see a man coming towards me from the bus stop.
他的眼睛死死的盯着我看
He just cannot take his eyes off me.
我好像屁♥股♥像夹着一只画笔扭着往前走
And I am walking like I got a paintbrush up my ass
边走边想”看吧看吧
thinking, “Yeah, you check me out
你永远也没机会的 屌♥丝”
because it’s never gonna happen, chub chub.”
我和朋友波宝一起开的这家咖啡店
I opened the cafe with my friend, Boo.
她已经死了
She’s dead now.
她不小心杀了自己
She accidentally killed herself.
那不是她的本意 但也不算是纯意外
It wasn’t her intention, but it wasn’t a total accident.
她没想到自己会真的死掉
She didn’t think she’d actually die.
她只是发现自己男朋友跟别人上♥床♥了
She just found out that her boyfriend fucked someone else
想着把自己弄进医院然后不让他看望
and wanted to punish him by ending up in hospital
当做是一种惩罚
and not letting him visit her for a bit.
她计划是走到一条繁忙的自行车道上
She decided to walk into a busy cycle lane,
被一辆自行车撞一下 断个手指什么的
wanting to get tangled in a bike, break a finger maybe.
但是呢
But as it turns out,
自行车速度太快也能把你撞到马路上
bikes go fast and flip you into the road.
死了三个人 她可真是个混♥蛋♥
Three people died. She was such a dick.
我没有告诉她父母真♥相♥
I never told her parents the truth.
我告诉了她男朋友
I told her boyfriend.
他哭了
He cried.
很久
A lot.
那个屌♥丝走近了
Chub chub’s getting closer.
超大码夹克
Oversize jacket.
满脸横肉
Meaty face.
上下打量着我
Looks me up and down.
就好像他惊讶居然有女人能够如此吸引人
It’s like he’s confused about how attractive I am.
他好像觉得难以置信
Like he can’t quite believe it.
有一瞬间 我都有点担心
I worry, for a second, I’m gonna make
我要把这个可怜虫逼成强♥奸♥犯了
a sex offender out of the poor guy.
他要开口说话了 快他妈说吧
Oh, oh, he’s gonna say something. Here we fucking go.
最好说点好听的
This better be good.
他过来了 他过来了
He’s passing. He’s passing.
他用手捂着嘴咳嗽了一声
He brings his hand to his mouth, and he coughs,
“以你为耻”
“Walk of shame!”
我也没有时间回家换衣服了
It’s too late for me to go home and change and…
我包里有双平底鞋
I have flat shoes in my bag.
再说反正 他是个死胖子
And, anyway, he was fat.
而肥肉到了晚上也脱不下来
And he can’t take that off at night.
哈利也有点胖
Harry’s a bit fat.
他经常像只小熊一样轻轻拍肚子
He lightly pats his belly like he’s a little bear,
为他的成就而自豪
proud of what he’s achieved.
狩猎 捕捉 进食 拍拍
Hunted, gathered, eaten. Pat.
这就是证据 拍拍
Evidence. Pat, pat.
总惹得我大笑
Makes me laugh.
有一次参加派对 一个漂亮女孩问我
A pretty girl at a party once asked me
我是不是更喜欢有大肚子的哈利
if I secretly liked that Harry had a little paunch
因为这让他不那么招蜂引蝶
’cause it made him less attractive to other women.
她的男朋友是那个在角落里
Her boyfriend was a whale in the corner,
堵着厕所门的大胖子
blocking the doors to the toilets.
我反问她男朋友有没有
I asked her if he made her
让她洗他自己够不到的小钻头
wash the bits he can’t reach.
她扇了我一巴掌
She slapped me!
结结实实的一巴掌
Actual slap.
说明他确实这样做了
Which means he did.
波宝的死讯上了报纸
Boo’s death hit the papers.
“本地开咖啡馆的女孩被一辆自行车和汽车
“Local cafe girl gets hit by a bike and a car…
还有一辆自行车撞了”
and another bike.”
咖啡馆周围突然热闹了 留言 鲜花
There was a buzz around the cafe all of a sudden. Notes. Flowers.
和豚鼠纪念品都被留下来纪念她
Guinea pig memorabilia were left in her memory.
波宝能理解豚鼠主题咖啡馆的意义
Boo made sense of the guinea pig theme.
她娇小又可爱
She was all small and cute
还在所有地方都放上了豚鼠的照片
and put pictures of guinea pigs everywhere.
我假装它们并不存在
I pretend they’re not there,
我怀疑这会让整个
which I suspect makes the whole
豚鼠咖啡馆显得有点诡异
guinea pig cafe experience a bit creepy.
波宝就像一只豚鼠
Boo was built a bit like a guinea pig.
没有腰身和臀部
No waist or hips. Just…
像个木桶
Straight down!
但她以此为傲
But she rocked it.
她确实很美丽
And she was beautiful.
但也有缺点
Tricky though.
嫉妒心强
Jealous.
敏感
Sensitive.
但很美丽
But beautiful.
是我最好的朋友
And my best friend.
在咖啡馆 十一点十分
Ten past eleven at the cafe.
很安静
Quiet.
这很奇怪
Eerily so.
波宝总是在这时候弹奏音乐 读着星座
Boo always used to play music, read out horoscopes,
或者把薯片的包装袋放在微波炉里加热
and shrivel crisp packets in the microwave.
这让咖啡馆充满难以言喻的味道
It used to make the place stink,
但她把这些小包装袋做成钥匙环
but she turned the little packets into key rings
送给那些特别礼貌的客人
and give them to the people who were especially polite.
角落里有个喝着白开水
One guy in the corner
用着插座的家伙
drinking tap water and using the plug.
他应该点些什么东西
He should buy something,
但周围有人也挺好的
but it’s just nice to have someone around.
他在阅读
He’s reading.
他其实还挺迷人的
He’s quite attractive, actually.
但他没有看我
But he doesn’t look at me.
就算我为了能弯腰捡东西
Even when I purposely drop a cucumber
故意丢根黄瓜在地上
just so I have something to bend over for.
乔也没有出现
Even Joe hasn’t turned up.
乔十一点总是在这儿
Joe is always here at 11:00.
正统的老家伙
Proper old geezer,
从头到脚都让人觉得靠谱
coggly from the toes up.
一个好人
One of life’s good people.
很大的牙齿
Huge teeth!
白色的头发 笑起来很诡异
White hair, ludicrous grin,
带着满面春风扑面而来
and a joy that slaps you in the face
然后你会忍♥不住的用微笑回应他
until you can’t help but smile at it.
他妈的连家具都爱乔
Even the fucking furniture loves Joe.
我发誓门在他来的时候自己开了
I swear the door swings open voluntarily when he arrives,
就为了让他有个入场仪式
if only to give the man an entrance.
突然之间 他就出现了
Suddenly, he’ll just be there.
猛的一下