我的婚内情事（2022）

我的心跳加快 口舌干燥
My heart started to beat faster and my mouth dried up.
你想和我喝一杯吗?
Would you like to join me for some wine?
花时间和一位有成就的艺术家相处
Spending time with an accomplished artist would definitely
肯定会把他的一些才能和成就加持在我身上
rub some of his talents and accomplishments on me.
他会引导我学习一些艺术的深奥知识
He would initiate me into the esoteric knowledge of Art.
多好的机会啊
What an opportunity!
和一个没穿衣服的陌生人靠得这么近真是奇怪
It was strange to be so close to a stranger with no clothes on.
他的呼吸和心跳似曾相识
His breathing and heartbeats were vaguely familiar
就好像我们在同一个身体里跑了马拉松
as if we had both run a marathon in the same body,
但现在又分开了 回到了我们各自的躯壳里
but now had separated back into our own casings.
我感觉到了一些新鲜的无名的东西
I felt something so new it didn’t even have a name.
在过去 我把这种感觉叫做
A feeling I did have a name for was:
失望
disappointment.
号♥角在哪里呢?
Where were the fanfares?
庆典烟火呢?
The ceremonial fireworks?
还有无尽的白玫瑰花束呢?
And endless bouquets of white roses?
灵魂和肉体的统一在哪里
Where was the unity of spirits and bodies
融合成一个神奇生物?
melting into one magical creature?
失去我的童贞被证明是一种非常普通的行为
Losing my virginity turned out to be a very ordinary act
包括一些疼痛和适度的不愉快
involving some pain and moderate unpleasantness,
这与在我父亲花♥园♥玫瑰花丛中
not unlike weeding the rose bushes in my father’s garden
徒手除草没什么不同
with bare unprotected hands.
但是第一次如此接近”另一个人”
But encountering Another Human Being
是新奇而可怕的
so close for the first time was new and frightening.
我”自我”的一部分已经融入了”他者”
A part of my Self had been dissolved into the Other.
你脑袋里的电流太强了
The electric currents from your head are so strong.
你是个思想家
You’re a thinker.
我没告诉他 他就了解我了
He knew me without me telling him.
你很漂亮
You are beautiful.
我看得出来你会遇到很多求婚
I can see that you’ll get a lot of marriage proposals.
等等
Wait.
他的意思是我们结婚期间
Did he mean that I’d get a lot of marriage proposals
我会收到很多求婚信吗?
while we were married?
我被弄懵了
I was confused.
我想成为他的世界的一部分 诸如获奖 前卫人群
I wanted to be part of his world, the awards, the avant-garde crowd,
名望和赏识
the power of fame and recognition.
但似乎失去我的童贞并没有完全实现这一点
But it seemed that losing my virginity didn’t quite accomplish that.
你愿意…
Will you…
嫁给我吗?
marry me?
这是我想听到的
This was what I wanted to hear.
通往应许之地的关键
The key to the Promised Land.
他眼睛周围的皮肤布满了皱纹
The skin around his eyes was crisscrossed with wrinkles,
他的脸颊微微下垂
and his cheeks were slightly sagging.
他告诉我 他和耶稣一个时代 但我觉得他这么说
He told me he was the age of Jesus, but I felt he only said that
只是为了通过提及一个宗教人物来丑♥化♥我
to scandalize me by mentioning a religious figure.
他看起来比耶稣老多了
He seemed so much older than Jesus.
耶稣的脸颊非常光滑
Jesus had perfectly smooth cheeks!
我说了一个神奇的词…
I said the magic word…
愿意
Yes.
并等了片刻
And waited a moment.
什么也没发生
Nothing happened.
魔法必须过一会儿才会发生
The magic must take place later then.
我需要独处片刻
I needed to be alone for a moment.
我淹没在海洋般的陌生中
I was drowning in a sea of unfamiliarity
需要重新找回自我
and needed to regain my sense of self.
给我一个小时整理思绪
Just one hour to put my thoughts in order.
我想回家
I want to go home.
我会打电♥话♥给你
I’ll call you.
八月
August
等待是没有力量感的
There is no sense of power in waiting.
正如孩子必须等待长大一样
Just as a child has to wait to grow up,
女人也必须等待未来丈夫的电♥话♥
a woman must wait for a phone call from her future husband.
我希望这段时间花得值
I hoped it was time well invested,
因为每一分钟都是折磨
because every minute was torture.
9月5日
September 5
9月12日
September 12
9月28日
September 28
10月2日
October 2
10月16日
October 16
10月23日
October 23
10月29日
October 29
11月4日
November 4
11月18日
November 18
11月23日
November 23
11月30日
November 30
12月
December
六个月前 我想要更多的时间仔细思考这件事
Six months ago, I had asked for more time to think it over.
那时我还没有意识到我陷入了无尽等待
I hadn’t realized then that I was given eternity.
嘿
Hey!
什么样的变♥态♥灵魂伴侣会设下这样的陷阱?
What kind of deviant Soul Mate sets such a trap?
灵魂伴侣个屁
Soul Mate, my ass.
真是打脸
What a slap!
你掉进了陷阱
You fell into a trap!
你的童贞
Your virginity
是你的筹码
was a surety.
没有纯洁 你注定要失败
You are doomed without your purity.
你现在打算怎么办?
Whatcha gonna do now?
你现在打算怎么办?
Whatcha gonna do now?
你现在打算怎么办?
Whatcha gonna do now?
泽尔玛的处♥女♥膜是一层新月形的薄膜
Zelma’s hymen was a thin membrane in the shape of a crescent
延伸到了她的阴♥道♥口的一部分
that stretched across part of her vaginal opening.
它的作用是防止细菌和灰尘进入
Its purpose was to keep out germs and dirt.
虽然非洲象和其他一些哺乳动物也有处♥女♥膜
Although African Elephants and some other mammals have hymens, too,
只有人类赋予处♥女♥膜社会重要性
only humans attach social importance to the hymen.
我必须想出B计划
I have to come up with plan B.
拉脱维亚 里加
莫斯科
第二部分 实施
Part two – IMPLEMENTATION
【谢尔盖8岁】谢尔盖的父母那晚开了个很棒的派对
Sergei’s parents had a great party the night before Sergei: Age 8
热烈的舞蹈 激昂的呐喊 欢快的歌♥唱
with exuberant dancing, spirited shouting and jubilant singing.
谢尔盖在他的卧室里听了良久
Sergei had listened to it from his bedroom,
为自己被囚禁在童年的牢笼里而感到愤怒
angry that he was in the prison of being a child,
这样的幸福从他身边擦身而过 仅仅是隔了一扇门
such happiness passing him by within the mere thickness of a door.
他的父母天还没亮就得去上班
His parents didn’t have time to clean the apartment
没时间打扫公♥寓♥
before they left for work in the drabness of morning.
现在 尘土飞扬的空气中混合着土豆沙拉的恶臭
Now the dusty air mixed with a stench of rank potato salad,
发霉的香肠 还有一点点呕吐物的味道…
moldy sausage, a slight whiff of puke…
蛋糕尝起来有点腐臭
and the cake tasted stale.
有一个半升的罐子 里面装满了透明的液体
There was a half-liter jar filled to the brim with clear liquid
看起来像水
that looked like water.
谢尔盖知道这是伏特加
Sergei knew this was the vodka his parents emptied
是他父母从客人未喝完的酒杯里倒回来的
from the unfinished shot glasses of their guests.
与公♥寓♥其它地方的暗淡和灰暗相比
In comparison with the rest of the apartment that seemed dull and gray,
这种液体散发出明亮的 夏日碧海般的色彩
this liquid emanated bright colors of summer green-blue sea.
这个世界变成了一场色彩的盛宴
The world had become an amazing feast of colors.
谢尔盖经历了一种前所未有的感觉
Sergei experienced a feeling he had never had before –
他终于完整了
that he was finally whole,
完整到与这个世界合二为一
that he was complete and at one with the world.
他摇摇晃晃地走向自己的房♥间
He staggered towards his room,
倒在床上 晕睡过去
fell into bed, and passed out.
从他出生的那一刻起
From the moment he was born,
谢尔盖从不确定他的母亲是爱他还是恨他
Sergei was never sure if his mother loved him or hated him.
你真漂亮
You are so beautiful!
我爱你
I love you!
妈妈 我牙疼
Mom, my tooth hurts!
你真是个讨厌鬼
You are such a pest!
我恨你
I hate you!
持续的压力导致了谢尔盖的杏仁核
The continuous stress caused Sergei’s Amygdala
不断向他的背内侧前额叶皮层发送紧急信息
(脑部专门平衡情绪的区域)
to constantly send urgent messages to his Dorsomedial prefrontal cortex
要求解决冲突
demanding to resolve the conflict.
这让谢尔盖陷入了无尽的焦虑之中