我的婚内情事（2022）

我见过婴儿和他们母亲眼中疲惫的绝望
I had seen babies and the tired despair in their mothers’ eyes.
婚姻本就是很容易
Marriage was supposed to be easy.
但傻瓜都知道生养孩子很辛苦
But any fool knew that babies were hard work.
我不知道我想不想要个孩子
I don’t know if a baby is what I want.
你想要什么?
What do you want?
离婚
A divorce.
我以为他会尖叫着打我
I expected him to scream and hit me.
毕竟那是他的权利
After all it was his right –
我是他的妻子 承诺过永远在一起 至死不分开
I was his wife and had promised to be with him until death do us part.
如果这是你想要的
If this is what you want.
你知道那句老话吗: 如果你爱一个人 就放他们走?
Do you know that old saying: if you love someone let them go?
不 我不知道
No. I don’t know it.
在我的家乡 你在放他们走之前就杀了他们
Where I was from, you killed them before you let them go.
加拿大 多伦多
拉脱维亚 里加
我重蹈覆辙 婚姻再次失败 因为我不够女人
And there I was again – another failed marriage because I was not woman enough.
我这就来看你
I’m coming to see you.
我得给你看点东西
I have to show you something.
我完全没想到
I had no idea.
在苏联 不规范的行为是要受惩罚的
In the Soviet Union non-normative behavior was punishable.
与众不同是很危险的
It was dangerous to be different.
从表面上看 似乎没有人是不同的
And on the surface it seemed that no one was different.
所有不规范的行为都被归为一堆
All the non-normative behavior was was lumped into one pile
可能会让你被判死刑的不良行为
of bad behavior that could get you the death sentence.
同性恋、恋童癖或暴露狂都是一回事
Being gay or a pedophile or an exhibitionist was the same thing.
我从来没有听说过男人想穿女人的衣服
I had never heard of men wanting to dress in women’s clothing.
她太奇怪了
She is so strange.
她精神错乱了
She’s deranged.
她不是女孩
She’s not a girl!
她打架
She fights!
但突然间 我发现我就像波一样 –
But suddenly I saw that I was just like Bo –
一直害怕被别人评判我无法改变的事情
in constant fear of being judged for something I couldn’t change.
你为什么不告诉我?
Why didn’t you tell me?
告诉你?
Tell YOU?
你就是个无情之人
You were so unforgiving.
现在呢?
And now?
我没有什么可失去的
I have nothing to lose.
没有婚姻能改变我
No marriage can change me.
这就是我
This is who I am
我必须接受
and I have to accept it.
泽尔玛不知道一个男人
Zelma doesn’t know how it feels for a man
想穿女人的衣服是什么感觉
to want to dress in women’s clothing,
但是现在她努力去理解波
but now she makes an effort to understand Bo
基于自己过去的经历
by using her own past experiences.
泽尔玛的下丘脑总是在寻找威胁
Zelma’s hypothalamus, always on the lookout for a threat,
并意识到 尽管他与众不同
recognizes that, although he is different,
但波不会构成威胁
Bo is not going to pose a threat
并向脑下垂体发出信♥号♥♥
and sends a signal to the pituitary gland
释放小剂量的催产素
to release a small dose of oxytocin,
刚好足以感受到共同经历的联♥系♥
just enough to feel the bond of shared experiences,
但又不会太多以致于感受不到爱的陶醉
but not too much to feel the intoxication of love.
感觉到催产素的存在
Sensing the presence of oxytocin,
几个神经元回路释放出小剂量的多巴胺
several circuits of neurons release a small dose of dopamine
向泽尔玛的运动前皮层发送信♥号♥♥
sending a signal to Zelma’s premotor cortex
她可以向一小时前刚认识的人伸出手
that it is okay to extend her hand to someone whom just an an hour ago
她不明白 把自己当成了”他者”
she didn’t understand and regarded as The Other.
她不是女孩 她不是女孩
She is not a girl! She is not a girl!
她不是女孩 她不是女孩
She is not a girl! She is not a girl!
少管闲事
Mind your own business!
我喜欢你现在的样子
I love the way you are.
泽尔玛终于感觉到了完整和平静
Zelma finally feels complete and at peace with herself.
我准备好执行D计划了
I am ready for plan D.
停
Stop!
哆
Do!
哆
Do!
注意发音 -哆
Take the note! Do!
哆
Do!
再来一次 -哆
One more time. Do!
哆
Do!
好
Nice!
咪
Mi!
咪
Mi!
好
Good.
唆
Sol!
唆
Sol!
很好
Excellent.
现在 一起唱
Now, all together!
啊
Baaaah!
很好
Great.
现在 记住要对婚姻保持冷静
Now, remember to keep your heads cool about marriage.
我们很冷静
We cool!
没有压力
No pressure.
没有压力
No pressure!
好极了
Perfect.
让我们保持这种状态
Let’s keep it that way.
光终于亮了
The light finally breaks
蝴蝶飞了出来
And lets the butterflies out.
战争的声音渐渐远去
The sound of war recedes
我的心已经准备好迎接和平
My heart is ready for peace.
在这项艰巨的任务面前 我感到自己如此渺小
I feel so small before this daunting task
当爱摘下它令人困惑的面具
When Love takes off its confusing mask
我明白爱的真谛了
I see what love could possibly be
如果我有勇气打破常规
if I had courage to break with conformity.
我拒绝参与这场永恒的战争
I’d refuse to engage in this timeless war
管它谁会输谁能赢更多
Of who will lose or who could win more
我会让这首老歌♥停下来
I’d put a stop to this time-worn song
管它如何去爱 什么是对什么是错
Of how to Love and what’s right and what’s wrong.
我的错误多如坟墓 我在其上起舞
I dance on the graves of my many mistakes
冰冷闪亮石头 教我新的舞步
Their cold shiny stones they teach me new moves.
(象声词)
Tip top TIP tippity tup
我向前 我向上
I’m moving forward, I’m moving up.
(象声词)
Tip top TIP tippity tap
我向前 带着我的新地图
I’m moving forward with my new map.
Tip top TIP tippity tup
我向前 我向上
I’m moving forward, I’m moving up.
(象声词)
Tip top TAP tippity tip
我向前 去旅行
I’m moving forward, going on a trip.
这个世界太大了 不会关心我的困境
The World is too big to care for my plight
我寻找 我商讨 我恳求 我抗争
I search, I bargain, I plea, and I fight
努力让世界融入一个有风景的房♥间
to fit the world into a room with a view
并与某人分享
and share it with someone
那会是你吗?
Could it be you?
我的错误多如坟墓 我在其上起舞
I dance on the graves of my many mistakes
冰冷闪亮石头 教我新的舞步
Their cold shiny stones they teach me new moves.
(象声词)
Tip top TIP tippity tup
我向前 我向上
I’m moving forward I’m moving up.
(象声词)
Tip top TIP tippity tap
我向前 带着我的新地图
I’m moving forward with my new map.
(象声词)
Tip top TIP tippity tup
我向前 我向上
I’m moving forward, I’m moving up.
(象声词)
Tip top TAP tippity tip
我向前 去旅行
I’m moving forward, going on a trip.
Nah-nah
我会成为一头狮子 我会成为一股力量
I’ll be a Lion, I’ll be a force
我要发出我的声音 直到声音嘶哑
I’ll let my voice out ’til it is hoarse
我的精神将加入其他人的合唱
My spirit will join the chorus of others
我们将成为姐妹 我们将成为兄弟
we will be sisters, we will be brothers
在平等之歌♥中
In the song of parity
爱将是一种颤栗
Love will be a thrill
有共同的基础
On the shared ground
共同的意愿
of a shared will.
我的错误多如坟墓 我在其上起舞
I dance on the graves of my many mistakes