我与赫夫共进晚餐（2018）

我喜欢这里的问候方式
I loved the hug and the kiss.
只是 感觉很好 你知道吧？
It just, it felt right, you know?
你好 你好
Hello. Hello.
欢迎造访电影史上最伟大的篇章
The greatest entrance in cinema history.
我就知道你会过来跟我打招呼
Camille: I knew you’d come and say hi.
我是卡米尔
I’m Camille.
噢 谢谢你
Oh, why, thank you.
现在我宣布你们结为夫妻
And now I pronounce you husband and wife.
新郎现在可以亲吻新娘了
You may kiss the bride.
我没什么好看的
♪ I’m not much to look at ♪
没什么可看的
♪ Nothing to see ♪
我很高兴我活着
♪ I’m glad I’m living ♪
很幸运
♪ So lucky to be ♪
我让一个男人为我疯狂
♪ I got a man crazy for me ♪
我所要做的就是照顾好你
All I want to do is take care of you.
还有我们的家庭
And our family.
是的
Yes.
我们的家庭
Our family.
当我伤害他时
♪ When I hurt his feelings ♪
-偶尔地
– ♪ Once in a while ♪
他唯一的回答
♪ His only answer ♪
是一个小小的微笑
♪ Is one little smile ♪
我觉得 这满满都是好莱坞的气息
Tate: I mean, this looks like quite the Hollywood wedding.
看看你 你看起来很可爱
And look at you. You look so cute.
赫夫 你看起来很幸福 我的天
Hervé, you look so happy. My God.
太幸福了
That’s so sweet.
所以 赫夫
So, Hervé,
你令人发指地 疯狂地 玩弄女人
did your outrageous, out-of-control womanizing
请问这与你妻子和你离婚有什么关系吗
have anything at all to do with why your wife divorced you?
我不是玩弄女人
I am not a womanizer.
我只是喜欢女人
I just love women.
-所有女人 -我的天
– All women. – Oh, my God.
而且 不 我和她离婚跟这没有关系
And no, because by the time I get married,
结婚之后我就克制自己了
I have it all under control.
你一定把我当做三岁小孩儿吧？
You must think I was born yesterday.
停车！
Arrêtez! Stop the car!
你要去哪里？赫夫 去哪里？
Tate: Where are you going? Hervé, where–? Come on.
-嘿 -我不想再和你说话了
– Hey… – I don’t talk to you no more.
你真的想让我相信
Are you seriously asking me to believe
你所有的风流韵事在你嫁给卡米尔后就停止了吗
that all your womanizing stopped once you married Camille?
-是啊 -这算是什么狗屁
– Yes. – What kind of bullshit story
惊天动地的新闻？
are you trying to sell me, Hervé?
-这是事实 -你当然会这么说
– I’m telling you the truth. – Of course you are.
如果你想相信那些舆♥论♥的评价 那随你便
You want to believe those shit rags over me, be my guest.
但我最后一次告诉你
But I’m telling you for the last time,
他们说的关于我和她的事不是真的
what they say about me and her isn’t true.
问我一个问题
Ask me a question.
问什么 好让你继续撒谎吗？
What, so you can lie about that, too?
问我！
Ask me!
好吧 为什么大家都说
Fine, why did everyone say
当你成名的那一刻 你就变成了一场噩梦？
you became a nightmare the moment you got famous?
每个人 都有谁？
Everyone? Who is everyone?
我们为什么不从里卡多·蒙塔巴恩开始呢？
Why don’t we start with Ricardo Montalbán?
梦幻岛是里卡多·蒙塔巴恩的舞台
Fantasy Island is a vehicle for Ricardo Montalbán.
他本该是舞台的中心
He is the star.
但是塔图抢走了他的风头
But Tattoo steal his thunder.
懂吗？他嫉妒了
Huh? He jealous.
这才是真实的故事 愣头青
Now that is the real story, Junior.
那他究竟为什么要嫉妒你呢？
Why on earth would he be jealous of you?
因为我这样一个可怜的小怪物
Because this wretched little freak
竟然能和他有同等的名气
is almost as famous as he is.
我也能够在最高级的餐厅享受等同的待遇
He eat at the best restaurants,
赚的钱也几乎和他一样多
he makes almost the same amount of money,
更何况他能操更多漂亮的女人
he fuck more beautiful women, and this snob Montalbán,
这个势利小人受不了了
he can’t stand it.
他被逼疯
Drive him crazy.
像蒙塔巴恩这样的人并没有给我
A guy like Montalbán doesn’t exactly strike me
留下他会嫉妒的印象
as the jealous type.
你又不是我 你怎么会知道？
You weren’t there. You wouldn’t know.
他做了一些让我生气的事 所以我就和他闹掰了
He try to push my buttons so I explode.
所以我要让他挫败
So I disappoint him.
他还在他的拖车里
Woman: He’s still in his trailer.
啊 里卡多
Ah, Ricardo.
我本来打算让你搭个便车
I was going to give you a ride to set,
但我突然意识到没有座位了
but I realize I don’t have any room.
这是我的粉丝来信
This is my fan mail.
这是我的新粉丝
And this is my new fan.
我很抱歉 你的粉丝来信只有这么一点
And I am so sorry, this is your fan mail.
赫夫 你真是有礼貌和风度
Good manners and charm, eh, Hervé?
我只是想谢谢你把我的戏份都删掉了
And I wanted to thank you for taking out all my scenes today.
这是编剧们一致决定的 赫夫
The writers make all the final decisions, Hervé.
我只是提建议 你知道的
I merely suggest. You know that.
你喜欢建议 不是吗？
You love to suggest, don’t you?
你是一个非常有天赋的演员
You’re an incredibly talented actor
有种奇妙的幽默感
with a marvelous sense of humor.
坦率地说 你这么受欢迎也就不足为奇了
Frankly, it’s no wonder that you are so popular.
但我必须告诉你 你包里的大部分信件……
But I must tell you that most of the letters in your bag…
是我寄的
they’re from me.
片场见
I will see you on set.
不要让他们等
Let’s not keep them waiting.
在我的人生中 我从来没有这么开心过
I never had so much fun in my life.
在我这该死的一生中
In my whole goddamn life.
对其他人来说 这听起来并不有趣
It didn’t sound like fun for anyone else.
我所知道的是数百万人
All I know is that millions of people
收看那节目
tune in to watch that show.
我被追捧为神又不是我的错
It’s not my fault they turn me into a god.
神？
A god?
真的吗？哇！
Really? Wow!
仔细想想这事真觉得难以置信
It’s incredible when you think about it.
难以置信？
What’s incredible?
梦幻岛给了你一切
Fantasy Island gave you everything.
金钱 名誉 女人
Money. Fame. Women.
-一切 -然后呢？
– Everything. – So?
即使是我也不忍♥心把它彻头彻尾地给弄砸了
So, even I couldn’t have fucked that up so spectacularly.
你觉得是我把一切都弄砸了？
You think I fuck everything up?
当然是你
Of course you did.
你奋斗了这么多年
You’re struggling for years,
才得到了这个奇迹般的机会
then you’re handed this miracle of an opportunity.
你继续
Continue. Please.
而你却把这一切都搞砸了
And you just pissed it all away.
看看这些 其中一些可以变成
Look at some of these. I mean some of these just make
很有意思的报导
great, great reading.
“醉酒侏儒的性丑闻”
“Drunk Dwarf Sex Scandal.”
“浴缸里的脱衣女郎”
“Strip Poker in a Hot Tub.”
这些都是爆款头条啊 看了我都希望能在现场
I mean, this is genius. I wish I could’ve been there.
听起来是个有趣的夜晚
That sounds like a fun night. Very nice.
这里面又是一些什么东西？
Now let’s have a look at some of this stuff here.
“侏儒明星宣布在片场开设性诊所，
“Celebrity midget declares on-set sex clinic open.
免费预约”
Appointments are free.”
你可真是慷慨啊
Generous bastard.
您真善良
That is just so nice.
这些东西大部分都是真的 对吧？
I mean, most of this stuff would be true, right?
你觉得我会说它们是真的？
You expect me to take that trash seriously?
这是公开记录
It is public record.
你在做什么？
What are you doing? Hervé…
不要那样做
don’t do that.
赫夫 不要
Hervé, don’t…
优秀
Brilliant.
现在才叫公开
Now it’s public record.
所以这都是真的咯？
So it’s all true then.