怪宴（1976）

– We’ll make it, darling. Never fear.
梅斯先生，这奖金——
The money, Mr. Metzler?
属于我！先生们，
Belongs to me, monsieur!
我的马歇尔，可是世界上最强壮的人,
Marcel is one of the world’s strongest men.
他顶住了那个想害死我们的天花板，
He stopped your ceiling from crushing us at 4’5″.
恐怕得花几个月的时间才能将我们重新拉直，
It may be months before we straighten up again,
还好一百万能让我们买♥♥不少吊带。
but $1 million will buy a lot of back braces.
对吗——艾琳·双小姐，
Right, Miss Irene Twain,
莱昂内尔的女儿？
daughter of Lionel?
什么？
What?
我宁愿别人叫我丽塔。
I prefer to be called Rita.
可你是怎么看穿的？
How did you know?
永远别小看法国人的嗅觉，双小姐，
Never underestimate a Frenchman’s nostrils, Miss Twain.
在今晚的餐桌前……我闻到了你的香奈儿五号♥香水。
At dinner tonight, I smelled your Chanel No. 5.
其他几个人都是你干掉的：
It was you who did away with all of them!
梅斯，高曼还有你的父亲。
Metzler, Goldman and your father.
实际上如果有可能的话，
In fact, if you had your way,
你会干掉这世上所有的男人。
you’d like to do away with all men,
我说得没错吧，双小姐？
wouldn’t you, Miss Twain?
那些让你感到羞辱和难过的男人，
Men have made you ashamed and made you suffer
因为你生来就拥有一切：智慧，才华，金钱，
because you were born with brains, talent, money,
什么都有，唯独没有你最想得到的……
everything but what you most desired,
美貌。
beauty.
我只是陈述事实，双小姐，你要是个男人嘛，还过得去，
Miss Twain, as a man, you are barely passable,
但作为女人，
but as a woman,
你就是条狗。
you are a dog.
那是你的看法……大男孩。
That’s your opinion, big boy.
请把钱给我吧，
And now my money, please.
来得及的话，我想把晚餐安排在马克西姆酒店。
With luck, I can still arrive at Maxim’s in time for dinner.
我要是你的话，就只敢点一盘金枪鱼三明治，
Just order a tuna sandwich!
因为那一沓钞票属于我。
That dough belongs to me.
没错，我还活得好好的，
I’m alive and kicking.
斯凯富顿小姐把你的炸♥弹♥扔厕所里了，
Miss Skeffington dropped your bomb down the toilet.
她刚放水就炸了，
It exploded as she flushed.
飞起的马桶离她的脑袋就差一英寸。
The seat barely missed her head.
(COUGHING)
别说了，J.J.
I’m all right, J.J.
J.J.?
J.J.?
没错，伙计们，他把我们大家都耍了。
That’s right, folks. He outsmarted us all.
坐在那张桌子后面的是真正的山姆·戴蒙德，
The real Sam Diamond is behind that desk.
我是鲁米斯，J.J.鲁米斯。我是个演员。
My name is Loomis, J.J. Loomis. I’m an actor.
在这里虚张声势罢了。
I do impressions.
我去年在卡森剧场出演过六场，
I’ve done the Carson Show six times.
戴蒙德这个周末雇了我，为他做事。
Diamond hired me for the weekend.
这位斯凯富顿小姐实际上是威尔玛·诺曼，
Miss Skeffington is Vilma Norman,
在卡梅尔水床酒店当鸡尾酒服务生。
a cocktail waitress at the waterbed motel.
– Hi
– Hello
– Hi.
– Hello.
这个戴蒙德恨你们大家，你们一个个富得流油。
Diamond hated all of you. You all earned big money.
而他只在三藩市有一间穷酸的办公室，
Diamond had that crummy San Francisco office.
如果他这次把你们都比下去了，就可以抢走你们那些富人客户。
If he proved he was best, he’d get your rich clients.
既然我已经把所有碎片都拼起来了，
But since I figured it out,
我想那笔钱该属于我了吧？
I figure that money belongs to me.
我说的对不，戴蒙德先生?
Isn’t that right, Mr. Diamond?
错。
Wrong.
照你说的那样也太浅显了，小孩子都猜得出来。
That would have been too obvious.
不，我亲爱的同行们，你们都忽略了
My dear colleagues, what you all seem to overlook
一个最简单、最直接的解决方法，
is the most simple solution.
因为我实际上就是
I am indeed
莱昂内尔·双。
Lionel Twain.
(ALL GASP)
长久以来你们一直是那样聪明，
You’ve all been so clever for so long,
你们都忘记了低调谦虚。
you’ve forgotten to be humble.
多年来你花样百出地捉弄读者，
You’ve tricked and fooled your readers for years.
为了出人意表你们尽搞些没有道理的结局，
You’ve tortured us with surprise endings that made no sense.
而你甚至在书的最后五页
You’ve introduced characters in the last chapter
还让从未露头的新角色上场。
that weren’t in the book before.
至于你，总是藏起线索隐瞒信息，
You’ve left out clues and information
让我们根本无法猜出凶手。
that we needed to guess who did it.
现在可好，桌子翻过来了，
But now the tables are turned.
成百万愤怒的神秘小说读者，
Millions of angry mystery readers
总算出了一口恶气。
are now getting their revenge.
当他们得知你们被我捉弄的惨样，
When the world learns I’ve outsmarted you,
他们会把你们1块9毛5一本的书，1毛2分钱就转让别人。
they’ll be selling your $1.95 books for 12 cents.
你们可以结账走人了，女士们先生们。
It’s check-out time, ladies and gentlemen.
账单都为你们准备好了，
I have your bills ready.
同时也接受信♥用♥卡♥付款。
Credit cards will be accepted.
这么说连蝎子也是假的啦？
The scorpion was a fake?
都是，桥啦，厨娘啦。
Everything. The bridge, the maid.
你敢确定蝎子是假的？
You’re sure about the scorpion?
完全确定，甚至连雾气都是假的，
Positive. Even the fog.
是他用干冰器造出来的。你自己看嘛。
He made the fog with dry ice. Look.
真是一点儿都不浪漫。
How awfully unromantic!
如果说他是真的莱昂内尔·双，
If he was Lionel Twain,
你一定就是山姆·戴蒙德。
you must really be Sam Diamond.
没错，宝贝。
Right.
我伪装了一层又一层，再一层……
I was in disguise, in disguise, in disguise.
就一天50美元来说，你这次够卖♥♥力的。
You work hard in this racket.
我猜以后我们不再见面了，山姆？
Will we be seeing each other again?
得看情况，你如果需要我，我随时侍奉。
Well, that depends. I’ll be around if you need me.
你只需吹一声口哨就行。
All you got to do is whistle.
你会吹口哨吧，宝贝？
You do know how to whistle?
当然会。你什么意思？我不太明白？
Certainly. What do you mean?
算了，忘了吧。你把气氛破坏了。
Never mind. You ruined it.
我不明白，老爸。到底发没发生谋杀？
I don’t understand. Was there a murder?
发生了。干掉了一个好周末。
Yes. Killed good weekend.
请开车。
Drive, please.
(LAUGHING)