怪宴（1976）

我觉得今晚就不必亲热了，
It wouldn’t be right for us to make love,
可我还仍然爱你。
but I’d still love you.
别担心我，宝贝。我们来把事情整理一下：
No fear of that. Let’s see what we have…
一个全身赤♥裸♥又失踪了的管家；
One missing, dead, naked butler,
一个背上插着厨刀的主人；
one host with a knife in his back
还有……一只爬上我们被单的毒蝎子。
and one poisonous scorpion crawling up our sheets.
真的有毒么？
Is that what that is?
是的，能让人瞬间毙命。
Yes. They can kill instantly.
我们最好保持不动。
I suggest we don’t move.
保持多长时间？
For how long?
很可能要保持一辈子了。
Possibly the rest of our lives.
老天，我知道凶手是谁了。
Good heavens! I know who it is!
破案了？
Solvey-poo?
是的，威瑟斯小姐。
Yes, Miss Withers.
凶手就是……
The murderer is…
老天，瓦斯味！
Good God! Gas!
对不起，我忍♥不住，我老了。
I’m sorry. I can’t help it. I’m old.
不，不是你吸的那种，
No, the other kind of gas.
是那种能杀人的毒瓦斯！
The kind that kills!
有时候我的瓦斯也这味……
Sometimes my gas…
好像是从通风道传进来的。
It’s coming in through the vent.
(COUGHING)
从外面锁住了。
It’s locked from the outside.
救命！
Help!
我觉得并不那么难闻嘛。
It doesn’t smell that bad to me.
救命！
Help!
今天我没捅娄子吧，山姆？抖出同性恋酒吧那一段效果如何？
Did I do right, Sam, telling them about the gay bar?
棒极了。
Perfect.
心肝。他们都上当了，
They took the bait like a dumb halibut.
让他们以为我是娘娘腔好了，
Let them think I’m a pansy.
他们光顾着怀疑我，
While they’re suspecting me,
其中某人自己的裤子就要掉了。
one of them will let his pants down.
山姆，为什么你的办公室有那么多肌肉男杂♥志♥？
Sam, why do you keep naked muscle-man magazines?
嫌疑人，我每时每刻都在找嫌疑人。
Suspects. Always looking for suspects.
(TICKING)
那个“嘀哒嘀哒”声是怎么回事？
What’s that ticking sound I hear?
你听到的那个“嘀哒”声，戴蒙德先生，是你房♥间里的炸♥弹♥。
“It is a bomb in your room”
还有30秒起爆。签名：凶手
“that will go off in 30 seconds.” Signed, “The murderer.”
快打开门！
Quick, Sam, the door!
PS：门锁上了。
“P.S. The door is locked.”
把你拖进这种境地，我很难过，
I’m sorry about this, Tess.
该死，我还欠着你那么多钱。
And me owing you all that money, too.
没关系的，山姆。眼下我们怎么办？
That’s okay. What can we do?
我有个主意。我还拿不准是否管用，
I got an idea. I don’t know whether this will work.
– 快点儿，转过身去！
– 我转过身了，山姆。
– Quick! Turn around!
– I’m turned, Sam.
无论发生什么事，都不要转过身来。
Whatever happens, don’t turn back.
可是, 山姆, 假如……
But, Sam, if anything…
– 照我说的做，天使。
– 我听你的。
– Do as I say!
– I will, Sam.
我马上就要……就要哭了。
Good, because I think I’m gonna cry.
(SAM SOBBING)
(HUMMING)
你在我床上干什么？
What are you doing here?
没有别的地方可以睡觉，先生。
There’s no place else to sleep.
到车上去睡，你不是司机嘛。去，去！
Sleep in the car, you chauffeur. Go, go!
你这样不公平。
You aren’t fair.
我可要把你戴假发的事告诉他们了。
I will tell everyone about your toupee.
他们已经知道了。
They already know.
那你干嘛还要戴？
Then why wear it?
我以为你还不知道。
I didn’t know you knew.
我当然知道，
Certainly I know.
你那可怕的假发。
It’s a terrible toupee.
(EXPLOSION)
是炸♥弹♥，大厅那边！
A bomb across the hall!
快点儿，开门，开门！
Quickly. The door! The door!
锁上了。从外边锁上了。
It’s locked from the outside.
你看上去高了些。怎么回事？
You look taller to me. Why is that?
我也不知道，先生。我不再长个了。
I don’t understand. I’m not getting taller.
如果你没在长个，
If you aren’t getting taller,
那就只有一个解释了……
there is only one alternative.
房♥间正在变矮！
The room is getting shorter.
(EXCLAIMS IN FRENCH)
噢天哪，天花板掉下来了！
The ceiling is coming down!
(SHRIEKING)
– 我们怎么办？
– 我不知道！
– What will we do?
– I don’t know.
不过……他们取鹅肝就是用这种方法吧？
But this is how they make goose liver pate.
(SCREAMING)
没这么快。
Not so fast, please.
先别忙着划掉王的名字。
Do not cross out Wang name.
划掉蛇的名字吧。
Cross out snake instead.
好枪法，老爸。
Nice shot, Pop.
当时真怕你睡得太死了。
Sure wish I weren’t such a heavy sleeper.
现在……
And now,
请你……
if you please,
拿一百万来，本森夫仁先生。
$1 million, Mr. Bensonmum.
Banzai, 老爸!
Banzai, Pop!
你很聪明嘛，王先生。
Very clever of you, Mr. Wang.
哦，是的，正如你看到的……我能看。
Oh, yes. As you can see, I can see.
我也看明白了。
So I see.
告诉我，作为唯一的幸存者，你怎么推出是我的？
Tell me, how did you deduce it was me?
一种旧式的读者推理方法——
Went back to theory seldom used today.
“凶手是管家”。
Butler did it.
哦，这点儿我倒是疏忽了。
I hadn’t thought of that.
那你怎么解释我在厨房♥的尸体？
How do you account for my body in the kitchen?
塑胶做的，和塑胶厨娘一样。
Body made of plastic, same as plastic cook.
我们研究塑胶管家的时候，
While we examine plastic butler,
你趁机谋杀了莱昂内尔·双。
you murder Lionel Twain.
你真是个聪明的小洗衣房♥老板，王先生。
You’re a clever little laundryman, Mr. Wang.
但是还不够聪明。
But not quite clever enough!
这一百万还是让我来拿吧，
I’ll take that $1 million,
什么本森夫仁，明明是欧文·高曼！
Bensonmum, alias Irving Goldman.
欧文·高曼？
Irving Goldman?
正是，欧文·高曼是已故的莱昂内尔·双的律师。
Yes. Irving Goldman was the attorney of the late Lionel Twain.
莱昂内尔·双五年前就去世了，
Lionel Twain died five years ago.
他的尸体最近在高曼的文件柜里找到了。
His body was recently found in Goldman’s filing cabinet.
我没说错吧，高曼先生？
Am I correct, Mr. Goldman?
你说的没错，马布尔小姐，
Yeah. Correct, Miss Marbles.
不过你是怎么逃过毒瓦斯的？
But how did you escape the poison gas?
很简单，我捂住嘴巴，
Quite simple. I covered my mouth
让威瑟斯小姐把瓦斯都吸了！
and let Miss Withers breathe in the gas.
噢，倒霉案子……
Sicky-poo.
是啊，亲爱的，我知道。
Yes, dear, I know.
请把一百万给我。
The million dollars,
please.
我要是你就不会给她，高曼先生，真的是高曼么？
I wouldn’t, Goldman. Or is it Goldman?
实际上是会计师马文·梅斯先生。
Actually, it’s Mr. Marvin Metzler.
马文·梅斯?
Marvin Metzler?
不错，查尔斯顿先生，
Very good, Mr. Charleston,
不过你是怎么知道的？
but how did you know?
死管家手里的字条写着，
The bill in the dead butler’s hand
整个周末都是预先设计好的，
said the entire weekend was catered.
只有会计师干事才会事先做计划。
Only an accountant would save that.
– 迪迪，拿了钱就走吧。
– 让我再说几句。
– Get the money. Let’s go.
– In a moment, darling.
高曼上个月滑雪时死了，
Goldman died last month while skiing.
他跳进200英尺低的飞行飞机。
He jumped 200 feet into a low-flying plane.
迪迪，我不能再等了。
I can’t wait much longer.
宝刀不老啊，查尔斯顿先生，
You’ve not lost your touch, Mr. Charleston,
可你们是如何躲过毒蝎子的?
but how did you elude the deadly scorpion?
噢，没躲过，朵拉被咬了，
We didn’t. He stung Dora.
我们必须在15分钟内找到医生。
We’ve 15 minutes to get help.
– 你以后再解释不行吗，迪迪？快走吧。
– 来得及的，亲爱的，别担心。
– Explain later, Dickie.