玛丽和马克思（2009）

Max harowirz 96/71X huberk New York
你被欺负过吗
Have you ever been teased?
玛丽的信唤醒了
Mary’s letter triggered memories
马♥克♥思♥深藏已久的记忆
Max had buried deep down in his shoes.
我们把他逼到墙角了
We’ve got him cornered now.
犹太佬 你得付钱
Hey, jew-boy, you’re gonna pay…
接招吧 犹太佬 犹太佬
Take this, jew-boy, jew-boy, jew-boy.
像往常一样 他用自己的办法逃避着
And as usual, he coped in the only way he knew.
在吃了三十六个巧克力热狗
And 36 chocolate hotdogs later…
和仅仅睡了两个小时后
And after only two hours sleep,
马♥克♥思♥的崩溃结束了 他脑中突然灵光一现
Max’s meltdown faded away and an idea popped into his brain.
亲爱的玛丽·戴茜·町可
Dear Mary Daisy Dinkle,
谢谢你的来信和巧克力
Thank you for your letter, chocolate bar,
还有拉明顿蛋糕和小绒球
Lamington and pompom.
巧克力压坏了
The chocolate got crushed,
我把碎块放到牛奶里
So I blended the bits with milk and
加上冰淇淋 正在享用
Icecream and now I am drinking it right now.
深思熟虑之后 我有一个帮助你的好主意
After much thought, I think I have a solution to your teasing.
告诉伯尼·克利福德你的胎记是巧克力做的
Tell Bernie Clifford your birthmark is made of chocolate,
[巧克力主管]
也就是说 当升入天堂时
Which means when you get to heaven you
你负责管理所有的巧克力
Will be in charge of all the chocolate.
当然这是个谎言 我不喜欢说谎
This of course is a lie – I do not like lies –
不过这种情况下谎言是有用的
But in this case I think it will be of benefit.
真希望我能掌管所有的巧克力
I wish I could be in charge of all the chocolate
不过显然不行 因为我是无神论者
But, of course,I cannot because of my atheism. .
我的邻居艾薇也是无神论者
My neighbour Ivy is also an atheist.
她话不多
She doesn’t talk much
但是周日晚上会为我做美味的汤
But makes me very good soup on sunday nights.
她有点失明 有时我会在汤里发现她的头发
She is partly blind and sometimes I find her hair in my soup. eeugh!
我没有告诉她
I do not tell her
因为伯纳德·豪夫医生说这样没礼貌
As dr Bernard Hazelhof says this would be impolite.
附上我每晚的食物清单
Here is a list of what I eat on the other nights.
周一 格力克土豆馅饼
Mondays – glicks potato knish,
周二 炖面条
Tuesdays – yiddels noodle kugel,
周三 逗笑船长的鱼条
Wednesdays – captain salty’s fishstix,
周四 奶酪薄卷饼
Thursdays – yentls cheezy blintz
周五 炸鸡块
And Fridays – chicken nuggets.
周六晚上是我自己研制的食谱
On saturday nights I create my own recipes.
上周我发明了罐装意面汉堡
Last week I invented canned spaghetti hamburgers.
菜谱和数理方程有点相似
Recipes are like mathematical equations.
伯纳德·豪夫医生说
Dr Bernard Hazelhof told me
一个人不能比自己的冰箱还要重
You should never weigh more than your refrigerator
而且不应该吃下比自己脑袋大的东西
And to never eat anything bigger than your head.
有一次我吃了个比自己脑袋大的西瓜
I once ate a watermelon bigger than my head
不过不是一次吃完的
But not all at once.
你对减肥有心得吗
Do you have any weight loss suggestions?
我参加了匿名暴食者交流会
My overeaters anonymous meetings
不过似乎除了让我紧张没别的作用
Don’t seem to be working and just make me tense.
要是世上有胖仙女就好了
It would be good if there was a “fat fairy”.
她会像牙齿仙女[拔走牙齿]一样 不过是来吸走脂肪的
She would be a bit like the tooth fairy but would suck out your fat.
艾薇说自己只是有点瞎
Ivy says she is only a “little bit” blind
不过我觉得她的失明相当严重
But I think she is very blind.
她应该像其他盲人的人一样拄个盲杖
She should get a cane like other vision-impaired people.
可以把尾部削尖
She could make the end pointy
这样同时还能拾垃圾
And collect rubbish at the same time.
我觉得自己应该向市长提这个建议
I think I will write a letter to the mayor and suggest this.
他一定会印象深刻的
He will be very impressed.
艾薇说自己不需要拐杖
Ivy says she doesn’t need a cane
因为她的嗅觉很灵敏
Because she has a good sense of smell.
她说就算是把眼皮订上也能找到我
She says she could find me with her eyes stapled shut.
她说我有一股甘草和旧书的味道
She says I smell like liquorice and old books.
我觉得她闻起来就像咳嗽药混着尿的味道
I think she smells like cough medicine and urine.
这些我也没跟她说 因为伯纳德·豪夫医生说
I have never told her this as dr Bernard Hazelhof
这么做也很不礼貌
Said this would also be impolite.
大家总觉得我笨拙而粗鲁
People often think I am tactless and rude.
我就想不通 诚实有什么不好
I cannot understand how being honest can be…improper.
也许这是我没有一个朋友的原因吧
Maybe this is why I don’t have any friends
当然除了你之外
Of course except for you.
我人生三大目标之一是有一个真正的朋友
A real friend has been one of my three goals in life.
另外两个是 拥有每一个”诺布利特一家”的人物
The other two are to own every noblet
和吃一辈子巧克力
And a lifetime supply of chocolate.
伯纳德·豪夫医生说有目标是好事
Dr Bernard Hazelhof says it is good to have goals
不过不是这么蠢的目标
But not stupid ones like mine.
我一口气把要说的都写下了
I have now run out of things to tell you.
请尽快回信
Please, write soon.
你的美国朋友 马♥克♥思♥·杰瑞·霍洛维茨
Your friend in america, Max Jerry Horowitz.
附言 别为没有笑容担心
Ps. do not worry about not smiling.
我的嘴很少笑出来 不过
My mouth hardly ever smiles but it does
这不代表我在脑子里不笑
Not mean I am not smiling inside my brain.
又及 随信寄去一个飞碟 一些巧克力跳跳糖
Pps. Please find enclosed a frisbee, some chocolate pop rocks,
记得要和可乐一起吃下 还有一张
Which you should eat with cola, and an illustration
选自国家地理的海龟图示
Of a turtle from one of my national geographics.
你知道吗
Ppps. did you know that
这些海龟能用肛♥门♥呼吸
Turtles can breathe through their anuses?
亲爱的马♥克♥思♥ 当我告诉伯尼·克利福德
Dear Max, when I told Bernie Clifford
在天堂我将掌管所有的巧克力
I’ll be in charge of all the chocolate in heaven
而一点都不会给他留时 他哭了
And he wouldn’t get any, he cried.
我还在他玩的沙坑里藏了点狗屎
I also hide’d some dog’s poo in his bit of the sandpit.
你的建议很棒 我有一份工作了
Your advice was great and I’ve got a job
是发放宣传册 这样我就能攒钱去看你
Delivering pamphlets so I can save to come and see you.
听你说自己很胖 我有点伤心
I am sad to hear you are fat.
妈妈也说我太胖 会长成一只小母牛
Mum says I am fat too and I’m growing up to be a heifer,
就是奶牛的一种
Which I think is a type of cow.
你可以试试
Maybe you should only eat things
每天按照信上写的食谱来吃
Beginning with the letter of each day.
周一只能吃奶昔 棉花糖…
On mondays you could only eat milkshakes, marshmallows
和芥末酱
And…mustard.
生日那天 妈妈烤了一个蛋糕
For my birthday, my mum baked a cake
爸爸送我一台照相机
And dad gave me a camera.
希望你喜欢寄去的照片
I hope you like the photos I sent.
第一张是艾瑟儿 刚吃了一些铜箔
The first one is of Ethel, who ate some tinsel.
下一张是我自己 刚按照你说的
The next one is one of myself after I ate the
混和着可乐吃下巧克力跳跳糖
Chocolate pop rocks with the cola, like you said.
下一张是莱恩
Next is Len.
他仍旧在努力消除对外界的恐惧
He’s still trying hard not to be
努力战胜自己的陌生环境恐怖症
Afraid of outside and conquer his homophobia.
下一张是爸爸在工作间里
The next one is of dad in his shed,
还有我偷♥拍♥的
And then one of the times I covered mum while she
妈妈贴着戒烟贴睡觉时的照片
Was asleep in her stickers that help her stop smoking.
下一张 我把头发弄成跳跳圈
Next, when I got my slinky caught in my hair.
还有索尼把自己老婆谢尔挖出来
Then one of the times Sonny digged up his wife, Cher.
最后是
And, finally,
另一位邻居达米安·波波多普洛斯
A photo of my other neighbour Damian Popodopolous.
他是希腊人 闻起来像柠檬洗洁精
He’s a greek and smells like lemon dishwashing
他的皮肤很光滑 就像勺子背面
Liquid and his skin is smooth, like the back of a spoon.
妈妈说他是外国佬
Mum says he’s a wog
还结巴的连自己的姓都说不清
And has a stutter and can’t even say his own surname.
她说 你得敲一下他后脑勺
She says you have to hit him on the back of the head
才能让他说出来
To get his words out.
波波多普洛斯
P-p-p-p…Popodopolous.
希望他能做我男朋友 我们会相爱
I wish he was my boyfriend and we can be in love and do
像凯瑟琳·拉姆齐在车棚说的那样做♥爱♥
Sexing iike katherine Ramsay told me behind the bike shed.
她说当两个人光着身子时
She said it’s when two people go “nuddy”
互相摩擦来制♥造♥小孩子
And rub on each other to make babies. .
我说她是个骗子 会下地狱
I told her she’s a liar and would go
像吐司一样被火烤 因为小孩子
To hell and burn like toast ‘cos babies
其实是从啤酒杯里出来的 或者是从
Really come from beer glasses and eggs
兔子 修女和妓♥女♥下的蛋里来的
Laid by rabbits and nuns and “prosti-tubes”.
她说女人怀孕后
She said ladies get knocked up
把孩子在胃里烘烤两年
And bake babies in their stomachs for 2 years