爱你，西蒙

艾比什么时候开始觉得马丁有趣了
Since when does Abby find Martin so goddamn funny?
我知道 太疯狂了
Yeah, it’s crazy.
这太蠢了
You know, this is stupid.
我打算直接告诉她我喜欢她
I’m just gonna tell her that I like her.
而且我一直在想性经验
And I’ve been thinking the whole sexual experience thing,
并没那么重要
it’s not that big of a deal.
事实上我一直在练习 你知道吗
And, actually, I’ve been practicing, right?
我从网上搞来这个东西
I got this thing online.
超级酷 叫做便携阴♥道♥
It’s really cool. It’s called a pocket puss…
艾比喜欢马丁
Abby likes Martin.
她告诉我的
She told me herself.
-但那可是马丁 -我知道
– But he’s Martin. – I know.
我不在乎
Look, I don’t care.
-我要去搏一把 -等等
– I’m gonna try. – Wait, wait.
那莉亚怎么办
What about Leah?
莉亚怎么了
What about Leah?
兄弟
Dude.
-莉亚爱上你了 -不 她没有
– Leah’s in love with you. – No, she’s not.
你在逗我吗
Are you kidding me?
得了吧 她看你的眼神
I mean, come on. The way she looks at you
以及自从艾比出现后她的那股醋意
and how she’s been all jealous ever since Abby’s been around?
每次你出现她都会脸红
And she blushes every time you come into the room.
听着 你和艾比
Look, you and Abby…
永远不会有结果的
it’s never gonna happen.
但是你和莉亚
But you and Leah…
你俩有可能是天作之合
I mean, you could be incredible together.
你好吗
What’s up?
我有件事要告诉你
So I have something to tell you.
尼克约我在返校日比赛前去吃晚餐
Nick just asked me to get dinner before the homecoming game.
好吧
Okay.
你没明白 小西 他…
No, like, Si, he was like…
他走到我面前然后问我
He came up to me and he’s like,
“想一起吃晚餐吗”
“Do you wanna go get dinner?”
然后我说
All right, and I was like,
“没问题 艾比和西蒙也来吗” 然后他说
“Sure, are Abby and Simon in?” And he was like
“我在想也许就我们两个人 去约会”
“I was thinking it could just be the two of us. Like, a date.”
这太棒了
That’s amazing.
是吗
It is?
当然了
Yeah.
莉亚 别装了
Leah, come on.
我知道你喜欢他
I know you’re into him.
什么
What?
布拉姆的派对结束后那晚
All that stuff that you were talking
你说的那些话
about the night after Bram’s party,
关于深爱着某人时
about, you know, being so into one person
那种备受煎熬的感受
that it almost kills you.
你是在说尼克
You were talking about Nick.
所以你觉得我应该答应他
So you think I should go out with him?
是的 没错
Yes. Yes.
好吧
Okay.
-真的吗 -是的
– Yeah? – Yeah!
我保证你不会后悔的
I promise you, you’re not gonna regret it.
一切都会很棒的
It’s gonna be great!
伸出你们的爪子吧 灰熊们
Let’s pull out your claws, Grizzlies!
西蒙 那个阿尔蒙特的四分卫太性感了
Simon, that Almont QB is insanely hot.
我们现在可以谈论这些事情了
We can talk about stuff like this now, you know.
好吧 我还是没太搞明白怎么聊
Yeah, I still don’t know if I really quite figured out how.
-真的吗 -是的
– Seriously? – Yeah.
我们得练习 西蒙
We gotta practice. All right. Simon.
-什么事 -你认为
– Yeah? – Do you think
那个穿紧身裤的四分卫性感吗
that quarterback is lookin’ fine in those hot pants?
他看上去很性感
He’s lookin’ pretty fine.
不 不 不是这样
No. No. No.
性感 很好 带动你的身体
Fine! Good. Put your body into it.
性感
Fine!
刚才那次非常棒
That was really good.
-真的很好 -谢谢
– That was so good. – Thanks.
快看 那是在松饼屋打工的那个人
Check it out. It’s the Waffle House guy.
没错
Yeah.
-是莱尔吗 -我不知道 有可能
– Lyle? – I don’t know. Could be.
-我真的不知道 -你觉得他是
– I don’t know. – Do you think he’s…
我不知道
I don’t know.
好吧 你应该和他谈谈
Okay, well, you should talk to him.
我去买♥♥杯咖啡
I’m gonna go get a coffee.
听着 你很性感
Look, you are fine!
你能行的
You got this.
这不是我最爱的服务生吗
If it isn’t my favorite waiter.
他在这呢 洞察一切的人
There he is. The guy who sees everything.
是啊
Yeah.
我没想到你会来看返校节比赛
I wouldn’t have taken you for a homecoming guy.
我只是来喝咖啡的
Just here for the coffee.
当然了 你只在乎卡布奇诺
Of course. Yeah, it’s all about the cappuccinos
和同志情谊
and camaraderie for this guy.
我很高兴你来了
I’m glad you’re here.
真的吗
You are?
是的
Yeah.
因为我有事想问你
‘Cause I wanted to ask you something.
本来我那天就打算问你
I was gonna ask you the other day
但我太胆怯了
and then I was, like, too chickenshit.
艾比是什么情况
What’s Abby’s deal?
我知道你和她经常一起玩
I know you and her hang out a lot.
你俩是一对吗 还是
Are the two of you like a thing, or…
不
No.
不 我们只是朋友
No, uh, we’re just friends.
我绝对没法跟如此性感的人只做朋友
I could never be just friends with someone that hot.
我知道
Yeah!
每一天都充满挣扎
Every day is a struggle.
我得走了 回见
I gotta go. I’ll see ya.
站住 说你呢
Hey! You!
有只小鸟告诉我你喜欢熊
Little birdie told me you’re into bears!
兄弟 是我
Dude! It’s me!
我是吉祥物溪木熊
I’m the Creekwood bear.
你当然是了
Of course, you are.
谢谢
Thank you.
这不是赞美
Not a compliment.
我知道下一步该怎么追艾比了
I figured out my next move with Abby.
棒极了 这是好事 马丁
Great, that’s good for you, Martin.
我只是想听听你的意见
I just wanted to run it by you real quick.
不 马丁
No, Martin, look.
我已经帮你好几周了
I’ve been helping you for weeks
我受够了帮你搅合我朋友的生活
and I am sick and tired of helping you mess with my friends’ lives.
你为何不故伎重演松饼屋的那一套呢
So why don’t you just do that shit that you did at Waffle House?
那次进展得很顺利
That went great.
所以你认为我该大胆去做吗
So you’re saying I should go for it?
稍微有点兴师动众哦
It’s kind of a big gesture.
要干就干票大的 不是吗马丁
Go big or go home! Right, Martin?
要干就干票大的
Go big or go home.
我喜欢 谢谢你为我打气 兄弟
I like that. Thanks for the pep talk, man!
要兴奋起来了
Gotta get amped up.
加油
Come on!
我们会打败你们的
We’re gonna take ya!
伊森
Ethan!
原来你还喜欢橄榄球
I didn’t know you like football.
他只是来看球员的裆部
He’s just here to check out the packages.
你妈妈没教你吗
Didn’t your mother ever tell you
不要当众摸你的迷你小鸡鸡
not to grab your micropenis in public?
能拿点鹰嘴豆酱吗 小胡萝卜得蘸着吃
Could we get some hummus for that baby carrot?
别笑了
Shut up, man.
-你们好呀 -来啦
– Hey, guys. – What’s up? Hey.
-晚餐怎么样 -挺好的
– How was dinner? – It was good.