爱你，西蒙

我跟你一样
I’m just like you.
The Oogum Boogum Song – Brenton Wood
总体来说 我的人生很平常
For the most part, my life is totally normal.
-生日快乐 -不是吧
– Happy birthday. – No!
我爸是帅气逼人的四分卫
My dad was the annoyingly handsome quarterback
他娶了性感的毕业生代表
who married the hot valedictorian.
高中还不是他们的人生巅峰
And, no, they didn’t peak in high school.
我有个我挺喜欢的妹妹
I have a sister I actually like.
但我不会告诉她
Not that I’d ever tell her that.
去年
And last year,
在看完两百集《厨艺大战》前
and 200 episodes of Chopped ago…
她决定要当厨师
she decided she wanted to be a chef.
于是我们都成为了她的实验对象
Which means we’re pretty much all her test subjects now.
很辣吗 杰克
Is it spicy, Jack?
天啊 妈呀
Gracious. Oh, my gosh.
然后是我们的朋友们
And then there’s my friends.
其中两个我从盘♥古♥开天辟地开始就认识了
Two of them, I’ve known since pretty much the beginning of time.
-或是至少从幼儿园开始 -不 不
– Or at least kindergarten. – No. No.
-对不起 -看招
– Oh! Sorry! – Okay. How ’bout that?
还有一个 我只认识了几个月
One of them, I just met a few months ago,
不过我感觉已经认识她一辈子了
but it feels like I’ve known her forever.
我们做朋友会一起做的事
We do everything friends do.
喝超多冰咖啡
We drink way too much iced coffee,
看九零年代的烂片 在松饼屋消磨时间
watch bad ’90s movies and hang out at Waffle House
一边梦想大学时光 一边狂吃
dreaming of college and gorging on carbs.
离毕业还有208天
就像我说的
So, like I said.
我跟你一样
I’m just like you.
我的人生再平常不过
I have a totally, perfectly normal life.
除了我有一个大秘密
Except I have one huge-ass secret.
早上好
Hey! Morning!
-好啊 -抱歉
– Hey! – Sorry.
我不知道你在打飞机
I didn’t realize you were masturbating.
真幽默
Yeah, very funny.
你妹妹在楼下
Your sister’s downstairs making some
做从《顶级大厨》学来的花哨薄煎饼
la-di-da pancake thing she saw on Top Chef,
我们最好捧场去吃一下
so we should probably go eat that.
很好 我马上就下去
Great. I’ll be down in just a second.
好的 等你在网上搜完…
Okay. Right after you finish searching the internet for…
名模吉吉·哈逼波的内衣照
lingerie photos of Gigi Habib?
是哈迪德
It’s Hadid.
对哦 我都不知道她是你女朋友
Right. I didn’t realize she was your girlfriend.
好了 快弄完
All right, finish up here.
算你厉害
You got me.
-大家早 -西蒙 快坐下
– Morning, guys. – Simon, have a seat, honey.
-早安 西蒙 -你得吃早餐
– Morning, Simon. – You gotta eat your breakfast.
拜托你别说
Please don’t tell me
早餐是一天中最重要的一餐
that breakfast is the most important meal of the day
实在太老套了 你可没这么俗
because that is just so cliche. You’re better than that.
我是要说早餐可以降低胆固醇
I was gonna say breakfast lowers LDL cholesterol
避免血糖水平波动
and prevents fluctuating glucose levels
预防2型糖尿病
that lead to type two diabetes.
说得好
Touche.
诺拉 这些太好吃了
Nora. These are incredible.
玉米粉博煎饼配黑莓蜜饯
Cornmeal pancakes with blackberry compote.
但还不够松脆
But they’re not crumbly enough.
别这样 已经很完美了
Stop it. They’re perfect.
吃掉 比伯
Eat up, Bieber.
-再见了 -再见 西蒙
– See you, guys. – See you, Simon.
儿子 七点前回来 今晚一起看电视
Hey, honey. Be back by seven! It’s TV night.
早上好
Morning!
我是西蒙 我住在这
It’s Simon! I live right here!
我喜欢你的靴子
I like your boots!
再见
Okay, bye!
该死
God damn.
爱你 西蒙
Rollercoaster – Bleachers
我昨晚做了个超疯狂的梦
Had the craziest dream last night.
尼克 你每晚都做超疯狂的梦
Hey, Nick, you have the craziest dream every night.
你不懂 我在一个山洞里
You don’t understand. I’m in this cave, right?
也可能是在外太空
Or maybe it’s in outer space.
大卫·贝克汉姆也在 他拿着两副隐形眼镜
David Beckham is there with these two contact lenses
问我要蓝色的还是红色的
and then like, blue one or red one,
仿佛他是《黑客帝国》里的性感睡神
like he’s a sexy Morpheus from Matrix.
我不知道该选哪副
And I don’t know which one to pick.
我不知道要拿来干嘛
I don’t know what to do with these things.
天啊 你们今天看溪木镇树洞了吗
Oh, my God. Have you guys seen Creek Secrets today?
首先 你太沉迷那个博客了
First of all, you are obsessed with that blog, so…
好吧 不过据说贝卡·彼得森
Okay, but apparently, Becca Peterson
被撞见在泳池帮瑞恩·奥多诺万撸管
got caught giving Ryan O’Donovan an HJ in the pool.
这才是他们把池水排掉的真正原因
That’s the real reason they drained it.
学校的清洁工需要涨工资
Man, our janitor needs a raise.
-我的天啊 -还需要打宫颈癌疫苗
– Oh, my God. – And an HPV vaccine.
莉亚 我做了个梦
Leah, I have this dream, right?
尼克 我不是说好了吗
Nick, we have a rule, remember?
喝了咖啡才准你分♥析♥梦境
No analyzing dreams before coffee.
你好 四杯冰咖啡 谢谢
Hi, could we get four iced coffees, please?
艾比那杯要加奶 她喜欢牛奶
Oh, could you get Abby’s with milk? She likes milk.
-一杯加奶 -怎么 你是她的咖啡师吗
– One with milk. – What are you, her barista?
“加奶”又不难记住
It’s not hard to remember “with milk.”
谢谢
Thank you.
谢谢你 我快死了
Oh, thank you. I am figuratively dying.
艾比 我昨晚梦见
So, Abby, last night I dreamt
我放错隐形眼镜到眼睛里了
I put the wrong contacts in my eyes.
又做梦了 你…
Another dream. You’re like…
你简直是弗洛伊德和球星C罗的私生子
You’re like the love child of Sigmund Freud and Cristiano Ronaldo.
-天啊 -谢谢夸奖
– Oh, my God. – Thanks.
在梦里 我什么都看不见
Now, look. I can’t see anything
在山洞里跌跌撞撞
and I’m stumbling around in this cave,
撞到东西上 然后我就醒了
crashing into stuff, and then, I wake up.
-就这样 -嗯
– That’s it? – Yeah.
也许是因为现实中有些事你看不清
Maybe it’s something that you’re not seeing clearly.
比如就在你面前的事
Like something that’s, like, right in front of your face.
我看不清什么
What am I not seeing?
不知道
No idea.
Love Me – The 1975
我们万圣节应该扮成性感的宠物小精灵
We should be hot Pokemon for Halloween.
-对哦 -但我要扮骚版小火龙
– Oh, yeah. – But I get to be slutty Charmander.
围巾不错 伊森
Cool scarf, Ethan.
希望别卡到你的阴♥道♥里
Hope it doesn’t get caught in your vagina.
对了 你的工装裤选得很好
Great choice on the cargo pants, by the way.
看起来就像你被打折商场轮♥奸♥了
It looks like you got gangbanged by a T.J. Maxx.
随便了 死基佬
Whatever, fag.
老实说 已经变得毫无挑战性了
Honestly, it’s just not even a challenge anymore.
一群混♥蛋♥
Dicks.
伊森不应该轻易放过他们
Wish Ethan wouldn’t make it so easy for them.
是啊 在我以前的学校
Yeah, well, at my old school,
这种事会动刀子来解决
that would have been settled with a knife fight.
早上好 溪木镇高中
Good morning, Creekwood High!
快关掉手♥机♥
Come on, phones off!
有广阔世界等你们去看呢
There’s a whole world to look at!
你们可以看着别人的眼睛
You can look people in the eyes!
好了
Yeah.
别再自♥拍♥了 你没多帅
Stop with the selfies. You’re not all that.
-午餐见 -好
– I’ll see you guys at lunch. – Yeah.
西蒙
Simonay.
瞧你的新球鞋 兄弟
Look at those new kicks, my brother.
你在哪买♥♥的 我去哪能买♥♥到
Where’d you get those? Where could I get a pair of those?
-我忘了 抱歉 -你忘了
– I forget. Sorry. – You forget?
快点 你得告诉我牌子
Come on, you gotta let me know the brand!
我想跟你穿兄弟鞋
I want to be sneaker brothers.
我又看到更多手♥机♥ 谁没收了你们的手♥机♥
Oh, I see more phones! Who took your phones now?
我 是我没收了你们手♥机♥ 到我办公室取回